DD is pregnant, not sure what do

[penguinmoonwalker]

Hey, dd is 17, 18 in June. She's pregnant unplanned and she has decided now she wants to keep the baby. I think she is naive and doesn't know how much work it will be and how it will take over every aspect of her life. When I've tried to talk to her about this she says that she isn't stupid and to stop patronising her. She says that she thinks that this happened for a reason and that part of her wants to be a young mum. She says she plans to do A levels in the summer as planned and then take a year out and go to uni September 2023 at a uni locally and tbf she has been doing some research on doing a degree with a baby. However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare. She wants to stay at home and I'll be honest I'd rather not have a young baby in the house. However there is no way I would ever kick her out and would much rather she was here with her baby than in wherever else she might go and I have told her this as I don't want to lie to her about it. She says that most girls who decide to get an abortion have no support and no other options but she feels like that is not true for her and that she could raise a child and that abortion should be the last resort. She also says that her life is 'kinda boring' at the moment.
Her bf seems like a reasonable guy and isn't putting any pressure on her but he doesn't want to be a father yet and he says that 'he will try and help a bit but won't make any huge sacrifices' and he will be going to uni in September and realistically he will hardly be involved
I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

Honestly at this point all you can do is support her and give her the facts. If she's planning on how she'll get to uni in a year is she planning on how she'll afford her "gap" year? Has she made a plan for how she'll afford it all? Is she happy giving up all her 18th birthday presents for romper suits and nappies? What benefits will she get beyond £20 a week CB? How much money will you lose and can you still afford to keep her? If not what costs does she have to cover for herself and baby? Does she know how much milk and nappies cost?

As for "dad" what have his parents said? He might be happy to pretend his child doesn't exist but are they? Does he understand once he has a jjob she will claim CSA?

I'm sorry, OP .

You can’t make your DD have an abortion, obviously, but you need to find a way to drive home the realities of having a baby to her somehow.

I think this is true. It doesn't sound like she has a realistic appreciation of what it is going to be like. If she's 'bored' now, having a baby is not going to improve that and she may soon be bored of the baby. Yes, you should support her decision, but you need to be sure it's being made with a realistic appreciation of what life will be like with a baby. I'm not sure how you achieve this but certainly get her to talk to others who have been in a similar situation if you can.

If she's becoming a parent in your house and having her own child, then I don't think it is unrealistic to say that the parent-child dynamic between you needs to change so that she takes a greater share of responsibility. She needs to draw up a budget so she works out how she affords everything the baby will need. She should also contribute something to the household, even if it's only a token contribution. She should take responsibility for some chores, mainly baby-related ones but also cooking for the family a couple of times a week in exchange for you cooking the rest of the time. And you should be clear on how much you are willing to babysit for her - maybe as PP suggested have a token system where she gets 10 tokens a month which she can either use or save. None of this is to be cruel to her, but presumably the overall aim is for her eventually to live independently with her child so you need to work towards making sure she is able to do so. It's also not unreasonable for you to take (some) steps to minimise the effect of the baby on your own life.

NC for this, OP I feel for you this must be so worrying for you.
I can see both sides of this coin Fwiw, when I met my now husband around 20, we had an accidental pregnancy and a medical (tablet) termination at around 6 weeks. It traumatized me. However, it was the right decision for us at the time because being a parent with no home set up terrified me more than the thought of termination. If I'd had any inkling of pressure from anyone to do this I definitely would have blamed them, I did need counselling after. So you don't want to be that person.
On the other hand,
My brother and GF had a baby 2 years ago, fell pregnant after 6wks of meeting. At 17+20. She lives with her DP still who own their home (?if it makes a difference to benefit claims I don't know) and gets around £800 per month in benefits then child maintenance on top if money is a concern for you..their ds seems well loved and cared for. But she has on occasion left baby with mum with the promise of being back at midnight and disappeared only to be found at 4am being sick outside a club and then is no good for baby the following day either, so nan is left holding the baby... (Also access issues going on so they are currently going through courts for access as she stopped my brother seeing baby boy, therefore nans holding baby rather than him!)

I would chat with her about what happens if she doesn't get in to uni, she's planning for childcare in uni etc as if it's a given but what happens if she has a tough pregnancy and can't manage her A levels. What if her baby was born with additional needs, would she still feel that she could do it with babies dad away and you working full time etc.

Whatever happens if baby arrives, you will undoubtedly adore them and won't imagine life without them. Your daughter is young and it will be tough I'm sure - isn't it always with babies! but uni can wait if necessary. Sure it's not the path you thought she'd take but maybe it's the one she's meant to take. Big hugs xxx

Don’t like some posters’ posting stereotypes about abortion leading to trauma, or even getting pregnant again quickly ‘to get over the loss’.

But anyway, OP’s DD seems clear she wants to continue with the pregnancy.

As for what DD’s bf ‘needs’ to do: under the law that’s v little, unfortunately. Agree that ethically and as regards his DC his behaviour so far seems despicable.

My daughter got pregnant at the same age. Her little boy brought unimaginable joy to us all. For what it’s worth support your daughter however she needs it. The benefits of doing so are immense. :)

Sorry you're going thru this. My cousin was in this situation with her DD, twice, GC3 was born in (brief) wedlock.

Gchild#1: raised by cousin (grandparent) for first 8 years
Gchild#2: given up for adoption
Gchild#3: Mostly raised by her dad, Cousin persuaded her DD (then age 25) to get tubes tied after this one.

Don't think anyone else can judge how you deal with this, OP.

Realistically there is zero chance two 17 year old parents are going to be able to raise a child and study at university full time. Either the grandparents will be doing the childcare or they (she) will end up dropping out.

I think OP is getting a bad time from some people on here. She hasn't said she's going to try and force her to have an abortion, as a parent you want to advise your children the best you can and given the response she's had from the father it's very clear she's going to be doing this solo and no one wants their children to be single parents.

We are fortunate enough to have the choice in our country and the abortion option should be looked at and discussed sensibly and considered as an option.

The reality of being a single parent on benefits is grim and shouldn't be taken lightly.

No idea if this is possible but can you get her to meet other teenage mums to tell her their experience and how it impacted their lives? I suspect though she is expecting you to be more involved than you want to be.

@Loopytiles

Don’t like some posters’ posting stereotypes about abortion leading to trauma, or even getting pregnant again quickly ‘to get over the loss’.

But anyway, OP’s DD seems clear she wants to continue with the pregnancy.

As for what DD’s bf ‘needs’ to do: under the law that’s v little, unfortunately. Agree that ethically and as regards his DC his behaviour so far seems despicable.

Tbf I think it's more the being pushed and bullied into abortion rather than choosing abortion.

My husband's cousin had a baby in 1968 at 18. The way he remembered it all and the way it actually was were totally different things. He was much younger than her and thought she had had the baby, returned to uni with the baby , studied, graduated and sailed off into a fabulous life. I had a chat with her recently. She had the baby in the Easter holidays of her first year at Uni.Her boyfriend disappeared as soon as she became pregnant. She had 3 weeks with her new baby and then went back to uni. Her son remained with her parents. Her mother gave up her job to look after him. She went home at weekends and got jobs each summer to help pay for him. Her parents brought him up fulltime for 3 years. I was a single parent of 2 in my early thirties and I was totally in awe of the thought that she had had a child at uni and brought him up whilst studying. The reality was very different. She said it would have been impossible to bring up a child whilst studying. Obviously it isnt. Many people do do it and times are hugely different from the Britain of the 60s, but it will still be incredibly hard to achieve. My son and his wife (late 20s,married,good jobs, own house) have a 2 week old baby. There are 2 of them and both sets of new grandparents live close by. Even with all that they have done nothing but baby stuff and they are absolutely shattered. I can't imagine studying and trying to actually retain anything you have read when you have had 20 minute blocks of sleep for 2 weeks. There must be lots of stuff online about single ,teen mums talking about the reality. Have a look on you tube. At least your daughter will be better prepared for some of it. In the ante natal classes my son and DIL did, the midwife played a tape of a baby constantly crying throughout one of the sessions to see how they would all react. Perhaps you should do that with your daughter. Twenty minutes of screaming is nothing to how it will really be.

@BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ
Abortion can be really positive and your daughter needs to have that message hammered home to her.

What an absolutely awful comment !! Positive ? For who, this is a human life not a day trip out !!

Make her sit down with you and work through the finances of living in her own one-bed rental and paying for childcare while she works or studies. Talk her through the cost of bills and food shopping. Add it all up. Try to encourage her to see how stuffed she'll be (without you).

What she might not realise is that she won’t have the same social life as her uni peers - or even her school peers. Both because of time and because she won’t fit in, she’ll be different and that will probably feel horrible.

She might be able to get her head down, work hard and get a good career with the right childcare etc, but travel and spontaneity will gone from her life - completely gone. New friendships will be hard to make and relationships with other boys / men will be harder too.

Of course, you can’t tell her that. You can only support her.

Do you know anyone who had a child as a teen who might be able to tell her what it’s REALLY like?

All this might feel worth it. But in reality, it might not.

If she thinks life is boring now, wait until she’s indoors for hours on end with a baby.

@Sandallllllls

What she might not realise is that she won’t have the same social life as her uni peers - or even her school peers. Both because of time and because she won’t fit in, she’ll be different and that will probably feel horrible.

She might be able to get her head down, work hard and get a good career with the right childcare etc, but travel and spontaneity will gone from her life - completely gone. New friendships will be hard to make and relationships with other boys / men will be harder too.

Of course, you can’t tell her that. You can only support her.

Do you know anyone who had a child as a teen who might be able to tell her what it’s REALLY like?

All this might feel worth it. But in reality, it might not.

If she thinks life is boring now, wait until she’s indoors for hours on end with a baby.

Why can’t OP tell her that?

@LollyLol well there's tough love and then there's that!! I think a lot of what you've just said is a bit mean to be fair.

Why can’t OP tell her that?

Sorry I phrased that badly. I meant, it doesn’t sound like she’ll listen to her mother from everything the OP has said.

But maybe she would listen to someone who has been through it?

One of the saddest things I’ve ever read on here was a poster saying they were pressured into an abortion as a teenager and was never able to get pregnant again. She hugely blamed her DM for this and it ruined their relationship. I know the odds are just incredibly small, but actually I would need this to come from DD as you do never know and I couldn’t have on my conscience that I’d pushed her into something she didn’t want.

[quote Sunnierdays]@BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ
Abortion can be really positive and your daughter needs to have that message hammered home to her.

What an absolutely awful comment !! Positive ? For who, this is a human life not a day trip out !![/quote]
Yes it’s the DD’s human life, one that will be a lot harder with a baby at 17. It’s not awful to say an abortion would be better in the circumstances.

You need to set boundary’s now. You are willing to do one evening a week and you can provide x food she will need to buy all nappies etc.

I think this needs to be really clear as I can see her going with the pregnancy and expecting from you when your expectations are different. That has potential to blow up big time.

I don’t think you can do anything else it’s her choice. The more you try to push her the more your pushing get away.

I'm not sure why the boyfriend is getting such a hard time. He doesn't want a baby, he wants the life he planned and deserves.
Yes OP's daughter has every right to keep the baby. Suggesting he should get a job or stay near home and help, is dreadfully unfair when he doesn't have the power of choice.

I'm sure he knows that he will have to pay, but that's a long way off, he might do three years at uni, then travel for a year. Graduate salaries are low, plus paying debt off. it will be a long while before he pays a decent amount.

I have a daughter and a son, and see both sides. I think it's sad that your DD will miss out on the joy of being a feckless 20 something, they really are fabulous times. I would be stressing that to her.

@LollyLol

Let her know you won’t be going to any midwife appointments. Tell her you are booking a 14 night holiday at the time she is due to give birth so the likelihood is you won’t be around and she will be bringing the baby home alone. Ask her what happens If she has a c section, how will she manage. Ask her what happens if it is twins, what happens if the baby and later on child, has extra needs. What happens if she gets pnd.

Tell her she will have to have the baby in her room for naps and at night and you won’t be helping her with nights. Tell her you aren’t reorganising the house for a baby or a child. At the most when the baby is 6 months you will let her put a small foldable high chair in the kitchen, and she can keep a buggy in the garage. When the baby is too small for a buggy she will have to use a sling. She will need to clear out space in her room to fit the baby’s stuff in, space for changing and playing etc. Ask if she has decided whether she will take the risk of co sleeping or make space for a cot.

Tell her you can’t adjust your life just because she has decided she wants to make this enormous life decision. Tell her you’ve reflected on it but you can’t see it working long-term and she should plan on a possibility she may need to move out when the baby arrives but you will give it two months to let her recover.

You can respect her choice but you don’t have to agree.

Immediately start treating her like an adult. Tell her if she’s having a year out, she will be living rent free at least for the period she’s staying in your home. As she won’t be up for chores with a tiny baby, give her housework now. Tell her you expect her to do six hours housework pe week. Stop making her life easy. Stop her allowance and tell her to get a job, stop paying for he phone and clothes etc, if she’s decided she’s an adult she can behave like one and fit her A levels around that.

I’m so glad you weren’t my mum. Wow.

This thread is so nuts . All the mum has to do is support the daughter. Reading the threads on MN you can clearly see that not all mums who have a home a partner are settled and happy, many struggle with aspects of life irregardless of age.
Being young your recovery time is less, potentially you do have support but irregardless it shouldn’t be a shameful existence. I hope your daughter accomplishes her dreams on her own and enjoys having a wonderful teenager while others are just starting into mother hood in their thirties.

Fwiw, I’m obviously a young mum too with two much older children now and utterly despair at my friends who started their families in their 30s and cannot cope with the reality of motherhood. They can’t seem to understand that they have little control over these little beings that wiggle and squirm and cry and my only understanding is that they have lived so much of their life in control and doing as they please that having a child later in life can be an even bigger shock.

@Loopytiles it’s not a stereotype to suggest that someone who is led down the garden path to abortion, who has clearly stated that she doesn’t want that, would have trauma from the fallout of an incredibly large decision that she didn’t come to by herself.

There’s a huge difference between a woman making a decision to have an abortion herself, because she feels it is the best decision, versus feeling external pressure which she then caves to despite how she truly feels. Learn the difference.

@LollyLol I just pray you don’t have children. You’d have to an actual monster to behave so coldly to your own child.