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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD is pregnant, not sure what do

380 replies

penguinmoonwalker · 26/03/2022 22:25

Hey, dd is 17, 18 in June. She's pregnant unplanned and she has decided now she wants to keep the baby. I think she is naive and doesn't know how much work it will be and how it will take over every aspect of her life. When I've tried to talk to her about this she says that she isn't stupid and to stop patronising her. She says that she thinks that this happened for a reason and that part of her wants to be a young mum. She says she plans to do A levels in the summer as planned and then take a year out and go to uni September 2023 at a uni locally and tbf she has been doing some research on doing a degree with a baby. However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare. She wants to stay at home and I'll be honest I'd rather not have a young baby in the house. However there is no way I would ever kick her out and would much rather she was here with her baby than in wherever else she might go and I have told her this as I don't want to lie to her about it. She says that most girls who decide to get an abortion have no support and no other options but she feels like that is not true for her and that she could raise a child and that abortion should be the last resort. She also says that her life is 'kinda boring' at the moment.
Her bf seems like a reasonable guy and isn't putting any pressure on her but he doesn't want to be a father yet and he says that 'he will try and help a bit but won't make any huge sacrifices' and he will be going to uni in September and realistically he will hardly be involved
I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

OP posts:
Soulstirring · 27/03/2022 05:01

Despite the planning she doesn’t sound as though she has a real grasp on the day to day reality. Take her age out of this, if she’s going to be a mother then she has to think like one. Providing a home for her child, not still acting as one herself and expecting her own parent to provide. Very hard for you OP, and for your daughter.

user1471447924 · 27/03/2022 05:47

I’d be encouraging her to consider an abortion TBH.

LollyLol · 27/03/2022 05:48

Let her know you won’t be going to any midwife appointments.
Tell her you are booking a 14 night holiday at the time she is due to give birth so the likelihood is you won’t be around and she will be bringing the baby home alone. Ask her what happens If she has a c section, how will she manage. Ask her what happens if it is twins, what happens if the baby and later on child, has extra needs. What happens if she gets pnd.

Tell her she will have to have the baby in her room for naps and at night and you won’t be helping her with nights. Tell her you aren’t reorganising the house for a baby or a child. At the most when the baby is 6 months you will let her put a small foldable high chair in the kitchen, and she can keep a buggy in the garage. When the baby is too small for a buggy she will have to use a sling. She will need to clear out space in her room to fit the baby’s stuff in, space for changing and playing etc. Ask if she has decided whether she will take the risk of co sleeping or make space for a cot.

Tell her you can’t adjust your life just because she has decided she wants to make this enormous life decision. Tell her you’ve reflected on it but you can’t see it working long-term and she should plan on a possibility she may need to move out when the baby arrives but you will give it two months to let her recover.

You can respect her choice but you don’t have to agree.

Immediately start treating her like an adult. Tell her if she’s having a year out, she will be living rent free at least for the period she’s staying in your home. As she won’t be up for chores with a tiny baby, give her housework now. Tell her you expect her to do six hours housework pe week. Stop making her life easy. Stop her allowance and tell her to get a job, stop paying for he phone and clothes etc, if she’s decided she’s an adult she can behave like one and fit her A levels around that.

Mrstwiddle · 27/03/2022 05:49

I had a baby at 16, my parents were obviously less than happy (I wasn’t over the moon either!). Continued living at home, finished my A levels, worked whilst doing degree and Masters, and my child is now in their 20s. It is doable but your daughter will need your support.

Mrstwiddle · 27/03/2022 05:51

Just to add, although it certainly didn’t seem it at the time, it was the best thing to happen to me, as it made me grow up very quickly. It also made me much closer to my parents, particularly my mother.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 27/03/2022 06:03

How does she plan to support herself and a baby? It’s all very well being ’bored’ and getting pregnant but she honestly needs a reality check pdq. And the feckless father needs a kick to realise he’s going to have to support the child for the next 18 years (though that’s probably a fat chance reading what his intentions are ☹️)
Good luck OP, I’d be pretty exasperated and unimpressed as well as very disappointed.

BrokenCopper · 27/03/2022 06:14

I am sorry OP Flowers

CJsGoldfish · 27/03/2022 06:19

First of all there is nothing wrong with being a teenage mum, most women in my family were teenage mums, my own mum was 16 when she had my DB. But none of them had anything handed to them, they made their own choices and had to survive on their own
Really? Nothing 'handed' to them?

What is the point in this post? Just to reinforce how it can be 'cyclic'?

Doesn't sound like she's going to make the best decision here OP so you really, really need to be clear about expectations now. Then again, an immature decision to get pregnant/have a baby now kinda points towards you having to do some of the hard yards. Good luck!

Wife2b · 27/03/2022 06:30

@LollyLol

So at a time where her daughter is vulnerable and needing as much support possible, OP should withdraw all of her support and make living at home as miserable as possible for everyone involved?Whether OP is happy or not, the decision is her daughters and her daughters alone without any form of bullying and coercion. Her daughter is clearly serious about her decision if she’s already researching uni with a baby. If she has an abortion without wanting one, she will never forgive the OP and that will probably fracture their own relationship with one another.

navydear · 27/03/2022 06:31

@BluebellsGreenbells

University’s have grants that cover childcare and it doesn’t need to be paid back. There’s no need to worry about that. She needs to look into it and apply.
These olaces are extremely limited and difficult to get into to? Huge waiting lists also? What is she going to do untill then. Op, please sit your daughter down and explains that yes u will support her decision, don't be afraid to tell her that it's not the decision you had hoped for her. Tell her now that you will not be used for financial support, you will not be providing for the baby and you certainly won't be raising the baby. No set babysitting rules. You may give her a few hours break evry fortnight but that's it. Providing housing is more than enough. Your dd sounds extremely immature, talks of "being bored"
thatweirdhippygirl · 27/03/2022 06:40

The thing is, I don’t think it is her decision alone if she intends to live with with the OP… obviously it’s her body and her choice, but her choices have financial and physical consequences for everyone else.
My baby days are well and truly over. Even if OP never had to lift a finger for the baby, surely the baby would be waking up the whole household multiple times a night. I did years and years of the sleep deprivation baby torture, no way would I want to go back to that.

But yes, what can you do 🤷‍♀️
I love babies and think they are indeed a blessing, I just don’t want to live with one again. But if you ask her to find her own place you’re unsupportive and your relationship will never be the same. Lose/lose for the OP. It sucks.

Darbs76 · 27/03/2022 06:51

I had my first baby at 16, he’s 28 now. I did what your daughter is planning and went to Uni locally and commuted in. I have a good career now. I don’t regret for a minute keeping him, despite pressure from my mum not to. Like you she just wanted the best for me. She didn’t end up doing all the childcare but my parents did help me out of course. My dad died a few years back but both he and my mum adore my son and they have a closer relationship to him that their own grandchildren. Once my mum realised my mind was made up about an abortion she supported me and actually my son lives with her now as he moved back up that way (when he was 7 and I graduated we moved to london for my job) and I’m so glad my mums got him for support since I lost my dad.

My advice is just support her. I got tired of everyone telling me I’d ruined my life, but those comments are what pushed me during the hard days of my degree. All the best to you both, it will work out as long as she’s got support

Darbs76 · 27/03/2022 06:58

@GeorgiaGirl52

I have had your experience. DD gets pregnant, BF drifts away, DD wants to live at home and go to local college. one year later, DD has left college because she cannot keep up with the work and a part-time job and afford child care. By the time grandchild is 18 months she is in trouble with SS and I have had to retire early to provide child care. It was either that or let the grandchild I (now) loved to to foster care. I raised grandchild alone for the first 13 years. Are you ready to do that?
@GeorgiaGirl52 - that happens and you’re right to raise it. But many young girls do go on to get a degree and good jobs despite having a child. I did exactly that. It’s not easy, but I had plenty of evenings free to study once my son was asleep. I had to travel over an hour each way on a train that went once an hour, once every 2 after 6pm!
Sushi7 · 27/03/2022 07:00

Remind her that this is not a baby. Babies grow up. Children are expensive and their demands increase with age. Ask her how she will support this child. Where is her house/flat and job? How will she afford things? How will she afford childcare if she wants to go to Uni? Tell her that your parenting days are over and you won’t provide childcare.

Also, I’ve never had an abortion but I can’t stand women who try to emotionally manipulate other women (or girls) into not having one. There’s nothing wrong with an early term abortion. When she’s older, she’ll be more prepared (practically and emotionally) and be able to fully provide and care for dc.

Mamadooley · 27/03/2022 07:05

I think as much as you think you won’t want a small child in your house once the baby comes you’ll fall in love with your grandchild and it will all be okay, my sister got pregnant weeks after finishing year 11 she was still 16 when the baby arrived, my mum was livid and like you said she didn’t want the baby in the house, my sister ended up living with my mum untill said baby was almost 3 and my mum loves her to absolute peices. My sister is 24 soon and has another child now too, although her relationship didn’t work out with the father of her children she’s doing okay, she’s got her own 2 bedroom house, she’s started up her own dog grooming business, these things have a way of working themselves out and let’s be real there’s a lot worse things in the world than a baby. She will be okay.

Cocogreen · 27/03/2022 07:14

Is there anyone in your friends or family network that has a newborn?
Has she spent any time with babies?
It would be really valuable to get her together with someone who is going through the early months so she can see what babies are really like ie they don't sleep all day and let you get on with your life and study etc

Darbs76 · 27/03/2022 07:19

@LollyLol - thankfully the OP doesn’t sound like the type of mum to do the things you suggest.

Darbs76 · 27/03/2022 07:23

For all those telling the OP to ask her daughter who will be funding her year off etc - I’m sure you know that the government provides financial assistance for young mothers. This will be enough for her daughter to live off and once she goes to Uni there is financial support for childcare etc. Financially she will be fine. There’s also grants for a few hundred for big purchases such as prams. It’s not like the OP will be expected to fund all of this. Yes she might help out, my parents bought the pram for me, as many parents do for their first grandchildren. Financially she will be fine. I’m sure she’s looked into all of this

Goodbyetowinter · 27/03/2022 07:24

@GeorgiaGirl52

I have had your experience. DD gets pregnant, BF drifts away, DD wants to live at home and go to local college. one year later, DD has left college because she cannot keep up with the work and a part-time job and afford child care. By the time grandchild is 18 months she is in trouble with SS and I have had to retire early to provide child care. It was either that or let the grandchild I (now) loved to to foster care. I raised grandchild alone for the first 13 years. Are you ready to do that?
My experience was totally the opposite. My DD took A levels at 38 weeks pregnant. Took a year off and then went to university, leaving her DD with a childminder. Fees for childcare were covered. Good degree and post graduate qualifications, Masters etc. She split with the dad and successfully combined being a single parent with a highly successful career. DD has severe special needs and she's had to cope with that. I was able to work as she organised her own childcare. Just give support as and when needed. It's hardly the disaster that some PPs seem to think it is.
Loopytiles · 27/03/2022 07:24

You say you think you need to be clearer with DD about the limits of what childcare you will provide . Eg virtually no night time care, no weekday care as your paid work is essential.

Boyfriend’s attitude - ‘I’m alright Jack’ - is typical but not OK. ‘I don’t blame him’ seems passive and sexist - why such low expectations? He will be a father, and at some point at a minimum will need to pay some maintenance.

If DD plans to continue dating him now despite his stated intent to leave and not do any parenting, that’s a strange decision.

pamplemoussee · 27/03/2022 07:28

Does she will have a realistic picture of what having a baby entails - I know I didn't in my 30s!!

Can you find some YouTube videos or tick-tock etc which show some realities of round the clock care etc with a baby and how her life will change - she won't be going out, some days she will struggle to have a shower make herself a drink etc especially if she's breastfeeding

www.babycentre.co.uk/a1046160/what-i-wish-id-known-about-life-with-a-newborn

I think I'd want her to have some sort of picture of this and if she wants to go ahead still then she's had all the information and all you can do is be there for her but set clear boundaries beforehand with the amount of babysitting you'd be happy to do. As you work full time it's unlikely you will be able to do much... - would you be happy to help out at night? How often would you be happy for her to have time out? It's things like that I guess she needs to know too

BestZebbie · 27/03/2022 07:28

It sounds as if the father is going to be involved, but what about his parents?
Perhaps this is time for your daughter to make very good friends with his mother and see if they would be a potential source of additional babysitting a few nights a week while she studies - they may fall in love with the baby grandchild when it arrives too.
The father may not like this if he moves on emotionally and it is a bit of a drag having his ex hanging around with his parents, but your DD is going to need all the help available to her and this includes anything that can come from the father's side.

BestZebbie · 27/03/2022 07:29

is not going to be involved!

Mamadooley · 27/03/2022 07:29

[quote Darbs76]@LollyLol - thankfully the OP doesn’t sound like the type of mum to do the things you suggest.[/quote]
Agreed, extremely harsh advice 🥵

StooOrangeyForCrows · 27/03/2022 07:29

She is morally blackmailing you. You cannot come out of this with your boundaries intact and not looking bad.