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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD is pregnant, not sure what do

380 replies

penguinmoonwalker · 26/03/2022 22:25

Hey, dd is 17, 18 in June. She's pregnant unplanned and she has decided now she wants to keep the baby. I think she is naive and doesn't know how much work it will be and how it will take over every aspect of her life. When I've tried to talk to her about this she says that she isn't stupid and to stop patronising her. She says that she thinks that this happened for a reason and that part of her wants to be a young mum. She says she plans to do A levels in the summer as planned and then take a year out and go to uni September 2023 at a uni locally and tbf she has been doing some research on doing a degree with a baby. However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare. She wants to stay at home and I'll be honest I'd rather not have a young baby in the house. However there is no way I would ever kick her out and would much rather she was here with her baby than in wherever else she might go and I have told her this as I don't want to lie to her about it. She says that most girls who decide to get an abortion have no support and no other options but she feels like that is not true for her and that she could raise a child and that abortion should be the last resort. She also says that her life is 'kinda boring' at the moment.
Her bf seems like a reasonable guy and isn't putting any pressure on her but he doesn't want to be a father yet and he says that 'he will try and help a bit but won't make any huge sacrifices' and he will be going to uni in September and realistically he will hardly be involved
I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

OP posts:

sauvignonblancplz · 27/03/2022 08:54

@crocus776 because it’s his responsibility too

crocus776 · 27/03/2022 08:56

@sauvignonblancplz
He'd had an abortion though, wouldn't he.

Sunnierdays · 27/03/2022 08:58

@LittleBearPad but her daughter wants to keep her baby, the powers of mumsnet are the ones predicting it will ruin her life. Let the poor girl make her decision, explain the reality but don’t bully her into an abortion she may well live to regret !

EarringsandLipstick · 27/03/2022 08:58

@crocus776

Well, he can't. That's the point. Only women can get pregnant & give birth. So he can't make that choice, and if she chooses to have the baby, he should support his child.

blinkbonny · 27/03/2022 09:00

I'm surprised at this part of your post, OP:

Her bf ... says that 'he will try and help a bit but won't make any huge sacrifices' and he will be going to uni in September and realistically he will hardly be involved

He may not want the baby, but he still has a responsibility and cannot completely walk away. If your daughter proceeds with the pregnancy then surely she should be having a conversation with him about exactly what that support will entail - emotionally, practically, and financially. It seems as if, just because your daughter is the one deciding to keep the baby, that obviates the bf's involvement beyond the donation of sperm. It doesn't. The decision may be hers, but the fact that she is having to make it is his also and it has repercussions for him as well, which it would be wise to confirm formally right now.

sauvignonblancplz · 27/03/2022 09:01

@crocus776 He knew that when he started having sex.

MNCar · 27/03/2022 09:03

@penguinmoonwalker what’s wrong with Social housing? She needs to go on the waiting list. Once she is 20 weeks pregnant they will normally assess her as eligible for 2 bed. You will need to write letter to say she can not reside with you.

Post college and when your child benefit ends she needs to claim Universal credit til she goes to Uni.

This doesn’t have to be game over for her studies at all.

crocus776 · 27/03/2022 09:04

He's been honest though hasn't he, he's got his life planned, he's not going to help.

You can't force someone to be a parent.

DomesticatedZombie · 27/03/2022 09:07

I don't think 'naive' is quite the word for being unaware of what having and raising a baby/child involves. Nobody is really prepared for it until they do it.

OP, this is a very difficult situation for you.

A friend of mine in a similar situation chose to have her baby. She's fine now, but I think there were many very difficult and lonely years for her. None of her friends had children until a good ten or fifteen years later, so she was isolated and stuck in an unhappy relationship. Now her children are grown, and she wants to do all the things she couldn't as a young woman, but her friends are all at the babies/toddlers stage. I think it's been hard.

Of course these are individual experiences, it really does depend on so many different factors. But I think it's important your daughter gets bit of perspective on how this is likely to impact her life.

It is a life changing decision, obviously, and one your daughter has to make by herself. Be clear on your boundaries and what you are and aren't willing to do for her and the baby/child. You do not have to give up your life to look after your grandchild, and I think you need to tell your daughter this.

Gosh, how hard. She can have no idea of what is involved and how it will impact her, and it's almost impossible to explain.

Wishing you both all the best.

Calamityjane1987 · 27/03/2022 09:08

@sauvignonblancplz great post. It makes for depressing reading. There are many ways to live life and the A levels, uni, career, husband, babies route can be reshuffled. I have young children now but I hope I manage to convey to them that life is flexible, as long as they have motivation and ambition they can make it work. I’m firmly of the belief that if I’d had a baby at 17 I would have made it work. I likely would have stayed local to my mum rather than moving to my university town. I likely wouldn’t have gone to uni until a few years later. But I would have made it work. I wasn’t some degenerate, incapable being at age 17. I was just a young version of me.

I think the fact your daughter is doing research sounds great OP. She might be in that awkward teenage phase of finding it too soppy to articulate deeper feelings. Her ‘life is boring’ comment could be her offhand reasoning for you, when the reality is that she really wants and loves this baby. That’s reason enough.

sauvignonblancplz · 27/03/2022 09:09

@crocus776 He does have financial responsibility though if the mother chooses to pursue that road.

BellaVita · 27/03/2022 09:10

Slightly different as DS2 is very supportive but this is our story…

Last year DS2 then 21 and his partner then 17 had been seeing each other a few months although they had known each other for a number of years became pregnant. She was on the pill but had been poorly with a tummy upset and they didn’t take extra precautions.

DH and I and the other set of parents both work full time. We made it clear that whilst we would all support them they could not live at either house.

DS works full time and partner is at college full time and also works part-time.

They found a lovely little private house to rent and have got it really nice. They meal plan to make sure they don’t waste money and food.

She had awful hyperemises and had to be hospitalised at one point, but college were great and let her do her studies at home for a while.

Unfortunately last October our granddaughter was born sleeping at 19 weeks due to complications.

Through all of this she has kept up with her studies, worked, passed her driving test and both of them have been amazing.

DS1 is now working two jobs and she has upped her part time hours as they are saving for a mortgage and although very early days they will be parents again in November.

They have both grown into amazing human beings who now appreciate a lot more what us as parents did for them whilst growing up. They are such a good team and I honestly can see them being together as long as DH and I (I was 17 and DH 21). We met 40 years ago in July and married for 35 years although we were married 10 years before DS1 came along (by choice).

Just set your boundaries whilst being very supportive at the same time. It will work out xx

Tumbleweed101 · 27/03/2022 09:12

I think the ‘life is boring’ thing is so common at that age. They haven’t had freedom of being adults yet - having a car, going abroad, moving out. A baby probably does sound like an interesting diversion but only because they’ve not experienced being a grown up yet.

Whatever your daughter decides you already know you are going to have to support her through that decision emotionally. If she keeps the baby then it will be very important to step back and not let your knowledge on how to care for children take over. My daughters friend had a baby at 18 and lives with her mum. Her mum ended up doing the lions share - including the night wakings so her daughter could do exams and ended up stuck doing it afterwards too. She does the majority of care now the child is 4yo and had to change her work and retirement plans to financially support them.

If your daughter goes ahead then firm boundaries will need to be put in place so roles don’t get blurred - for the child’s sake too.

And good luck! I have a 16yo daughter with a boyfriend and I worry that they might mess up contraception and end up in that situation.

Dontjudgeme101 · 27/03/2022 09:13

@Abaababa

I wouldn’t let the baby father off the hook so easily, tough shit that he thinks he won’t be involved as he’s too busy having a blast at uni.

I would make sure he, or his parents, are involved with childcare and certainly financial support, even if you have to get a CM order.

I agree with this.

tothemoonandbackbuses · 27/03/2022 09:13

Childcare will be covered by uni grants. If she doesn’t go to uni there would be 15 hours free at 2 years. I know on mumsnet most put their children in nursery even if a sahm but in reality where I live no one dos until free hours kick in.
She would get maternity allowance of £155 per week, child benefit and some UC. She would probably get the food vouchers and the child stuff grant.
You will end up with an amazing relationship with your grandchild
It’s far from ideal but equally not a disaster either

crocus776 · 27/03/2022 09:14

He does have financial responsibility, but that's years down the road.

I had an abortion young, It was a great decision at the time, I've never regretted it.

If I'd been the boy in this scenario, I would have been devastated. My life would have turned out very different.

sauvignonblancplz · 27/03/2022 09:14

@BellaVita I’m so so sorry for your whole family

I’m sure you are very proud of both of them.

Pluvia · 27/03/2022 09:15

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Ime how YOU handle things now will be how all of your futures play out. I had a dc just before I was 18. Didn't speak to dm until the very end of the pregnancy.. Tbh our relationship never recovered.. At 50 she has missed the last 20 years of my life. And my dc's.. Support in silence op!! Keep your opinions to yourself.. Help her plan on paper. Let her see how she will manage and how she may struggle. Be there. Listen. And love them all. Even her bf! She will love you for it. And congratulations dgm!! My own dgm was immensely supportive and bursting with pride when dd was born. Our relationship was amazing.

I suspect what you are actually saying here is that your mother drew some boundaries and you resented that. but you managed to exploit your grandmother.

sauvignonblancplz · 27/03/2022 09:15

@crocus776 You’re projecting , a lot.

crocus776 · 27/03/2022 09:17

@sauvignonblancplz

No, I'm seeing both sides.

CharSiu · 27/03/2022 09:18

Even if her BF wanted to support her he is going to be a student for a minimum of three years possibly more so won’t be able to financially support to a decent level.

Biggiraffe · 27/03/2022 09:22

Your DD will get Care to learn grant to cover nursery fees whilst she is in full time education , to cover her time in college.
She will also get universal credit and second child rate child benefit if they live with you .
So financially she can fund nursery and living at home.

HJ40 · 27/03/2022 09:22

She's going to have to reach any decisions herself as the more you state as fact the more she'll get defensive.

The reality no one, regardless of age, knows just how hard it is being a parent until it happens to you.

You said she's doing research. Can you sit down with her to do a budget plan and also a hypothetical weekly timetable? Will the provided childcare cover the hours needed? Who will babysit when she needs to do assignments? Does she realise babies are terrible sleepers so actually she might not have evenings? Don't too obviously push your point of view, but help her see the facts.

As pp said, it could be the making of her, but it's not fair for her to expect you to step in and fill the gaps.

CaptainMyCaptain · 27/03/2022 09:25

@MissM2912

What you do- your her mother and you put your arm around her and tell her you will support her no matter what decision she makes and if she does decide to keep it you help her develop a plan on what the next couple of years will look like and what external support will be available. There are far worse things can happen in life than a baby.

This.

SirVixofVixHall · 27/03/2022 09:26