DD is pregnant, not sure what do

[penguinmoonwalker]

Hey, dd is 17, 18 in June. She's pregnant unplanned and she has decided now she wants to keep the baby. I think she is naive and doesn't know how much work it will be and how it will take over every aspect of her life. When I've tried to talk to her about this she says that she isn't stupid and to stop patronising her. She says that she thinks that this happened for a reason and that part of her wants to be a young mum. She says she plans to do A levels in the summer as planned and then take a year out and go to uni September 2023 at a uni locally and tbf she has been doing some research on doing a degree with a baby. However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare. She wants to stay at home and I'll be honest I'd rather not have a young baby in the house. However there is no way I would ever kick her out and would much rather she was here with her baby than in wherever else she might go and I have told her this as I don't want to lie to her about it. She says that most girls who decide to get an abortion have no support and no other options but she feels like that is not true for her and that she could raise a child and that abortion should be the last resort. She also says that her life is 'kinda boring' at the moment.
Her bf seems like a reasonable guy and isn't putting any pressure on her but he doesn't want to be a father yet and he says that 'he will try and help a bit but won't make any huge sacrifices' and he will be going to uni in September and realistically he will hardly be involved
I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

Be supportive whatever her decision is.

Your daughter is already planning her life with her baby, I don’t think spooking her into an abortion is the right path to go down at all, it will irreparably damage your relationship with her and will forge lifelong scars. The horse has already left the stable, so it seems pointless to try to close the gate now. She will probably end up getting pregnant again to get over the loss of the first.

Your only option is to love and support your daughter, whilst also being extremely clear about boundaries and expectations. I’d personally make her sit down and create a 5-year plan, including a detailed financial budget for the next 2 years at least. This is the “life homework” she truly needs.

She needs to screw her head on quite quickly and learn what the working world is all about. “Boredom” will soon be something she longs for, because working with a baby as a young mother will be a baptism of fire.

Now that we’ve spoken about her, who on Earth does her useless trollop of a boyfriend think he is by getting her pregnant and then shirking all responsibilities? To me that’s utterly sickening and if it were my daughter I’d sit down both him and his parents and give them what for. This child is 50% his. I would absolutely not let him get off so lightly, he needs to be making both childcare and financial plans, as do his parents in terms of what they will offer support-wise, just as she is. Completely outrageous, both you and her should not be so passive when it comes to him. You’re now all one family whether that’s convenient for them or not.

This isn’t the 1950s where men get to have illegitimate children and then swan off and start a new life, where the hell is the equality? I’d have him by his balls for the audacity. Disgusting.

It's tough you don't get a say in this but ultimately you are the who's going to end up supporting dd if/when she struggles - emotionally, practically and financially. I feel for you op no easy answers.

Agree with most of above posts.

Her baby and body - her choice.

However I'd be more firm about not facilitating that choice post the summer.

You don't want a baby's in your home - perfectly reasonable. She'll be an adult and if she wants the baby she has to raise it. By allowing her to stay as you don't like the idea of her being in a flat alone means you are facilitating it and she'll be making the decisions based on your support - you don't want to and don't have to give.

If she wants this baby she needs to get somewhere to live, work to fund what the baby needs and manage it herself.

Also you won't be the main carer by default if she's not at the family home.

It doesn't make parents bad parents for expecting their adult children to fend for themselves. And I've known many 18yo young mums who've made something of themselves and a great life for their children. All the ones I've known that have done this have had parents who said they weren't staying at home.

The ones who've remained at home remained children with children who didn't need to forge their own path in life.

‘Looking bad’ to whom? The only people concerned are OP, her DD, the father, at a stretch his family and OP’s employer, and anyone else living in the household.

What does ‘be supportive’ mean? It sounds as though this means providing housing, food, paying all the bills etc for several years. Which it seems OP is OK with and can afford financially.

Her DD also seems to be assuming that when tiredness and/os childcare probs arise - which they will do, even assuming fantastic government subsidy (!) - OP will provide free childcare.

I thought it would sleep then give it a bottle then repeat

Haha same @user43786 but I was 40.

The weird thing is that reading this, I don’t think I sound totally different to the OPs DD, age aside.

Possibly an unpopular view on MN but I personally think there are far worse things that can happen than an unplanned pregnancy at a young age but I suppose I really wouldn’t mind helping. I think it might be tricky otherwise.

I think you need to be kind and emotionally supportive. Your dd is probably terrified. Be realistic about what practical and financial help you are/arent willing or able to provide. Sit down with her to work out a plan how she will manage day to day. It doesnt have to be a huge battle, communication is key.

@LollyLol imagine anyone treating their child in the way you propose:

Tell her you are booking a 14 night holiday at the time she is due to give birth so the likelihood is you won’t be around and she will be bringing the baby home alone.

At the most when the baby is 6 months you will let her put a small foldable high chair in the kitchen, and she can keep a buggy in the garage.

Just horrible.

OP can me justifiably concerned at the choices her DD is making without being callous towards her.

OP, I think you do need to insist your DD sits down and looks at the practical implications of her decisions. All options should be considered, but you cannot force her decision.

I would be concerned at the comment about her life 'being a bit boring'. Clearly a baby is not a solution to a boring existence!

I think if she's determined to have the baby & plans to go to university, I'd bring it back to the practical aspects, and outline what you can / will do. I think offering some support is reasonable, but you also have to work & live so cannot be this baby's parent.

If she has universities in mind, start looking specifically at what services & supports they provide and factor that into plans.

How many weeks is she?

As she won’t be up for chores with a tiny baby, give her housework now.

I swear to God Lolly, it's like an extract from life in a Magadelene Laundry.

She doesn't need to be punished.

@TeatimeGlitter

Your daughter is already planning her life with her baby, I don’t think spooking her into an abortion is the right path to go down at all, it will irreparably damage your relationship with her and will forge lifelong scars. The horse has already left the stable, so it seems pointless to try to close the gate now. She will probably end up getting pregnant again to get over the loss of the first.

Your only option is to love and support your daughter, whilst also being extremely clear about boundaries and expectations. I’d personally make her sit down and create a 5-year plan, including a detailed financial budget for the next 2 years at least. This is the “life homework” she truly needs.

She needs to screw her head on quite quickly and learn what the working world is all about. “Boredom” will soon be something she longs for, because working with a baby as a young mother will be a baptism of fire.

Now that we’ve spoken about her, who on Earth does her useless trollop of a boyfriend think he is by getting her pregnant and then shirking all responsibilities? To me that’s utterly sickening and if it were my daughter I’d sit down both him and his parents and give them what for. This child is 50% his. I would absolutely not let him get off so lightly, he needs to be making both childcare and financial plans, as do his parents in terms of what they will offer support-wise, just as she is. Completely outrageous, both you and her should not be so passive when it comes to him. You’re now all one family whether that’s convenient for them or not.

This isn’t the 1950s where men get to have illegitimate children and then swan off and start a new life, where the hell is the equality? I’d have him by his balls for the audacity. Disgusting.

Completely agree with this!

I think @user43786 makes really good points.

Being bored is definitely not a good reason to have a baby ….. she will never do the social things late teens and 20s do (unless you take on a lot of baby caring) . You were probably looking forward to more free time as she flew the nest to uni and you work full time so you are not free to do childcare.

We had one girl on our course at uni with a kid who was 3-4 when she started. She moved to uni later when her sister could come too and they both managed the childcare outside the uni day. So she came out once per week clubbing etc but it wasn’t easy and she started uni at 21-22.

I think you need her to understand that mates holidays, spa days with the girls, boozy weekends and partying will stop or not even start. If she wants to know what boring feels like and never being spontaneous then she’ll find out - perhaps for the next week every time she tries to go out with her friends or bf say no - and mimic her life with a baby.

Having a child with a partner is still super hard. Pregnancy and giving birth damage many women’s bodies and mentally while children bring lots of joy …. Having no money and a difficult life with few freedoms is ok when you have lots of friends of a similar age in the same boat but will be isolating when all the other mums are in their late twenties and late thirties …..

Boys aren’t going to be interested in a teen girl with a baby in tow so dating etc is kind of over too….

I’d take her to the area of your town with the worst social accommodation for a reality check. Explain you need your sleep and that she’ll be moving out and living on her own with babysitting once per month.

Bf will also be financially responsible for life if she goes ahead and it’s his pregnancy/ baby too - so perhaps a call to him to make him aware of this because he needs to speak to her too if he doesn’t want that responsibility at his age.

Really really really good luck - you can be loving but very very clear and realistic - children are amazing but at the right time - especially when uni is an aspiration and bf isn’t interested.

Op I got pregnant at 15 and kept the baby. It want plain sailing but I managed A levels and a degree with a young baby. I was quite vulnerable though because even though I came from a nice family I was a very young mum. I moved out at 18 (my choice) and ended up with an abusive guy for a few years who was horrible to my child too. I certainly was not mother of the year but I had loads of support from my family in particular ny mum. At first she didn’t want me to keep the baby but ended up loving it and wanted to help out because she adored the baby. That baby is nearly an adult now. I’ve had other dc since and I was a completely different mum to them. More patient, less selfish. I feel quite guilty about not being a better mum to my youngest but I was just a child myself. In my opinion young girls are going to have babies they just need LOADS of support if it’s going to work. I had all my childcare paid by care to learn and then at uni there was funding available to help. But she’ll need someone to look out for her and the best place to do that is with her at home. It all went wrong when I left home. My mum couldn’t protect us anymore at that point and I hid stuff from her. My advice to you would just be to love and support her. It’s all you can do really. Having said all this she may well be very mature for her age and cope better with the responsibility.

I had my son at 21 and so obviously older than your DD but it was difficult keeping friendships when I didn’t always have childcare to join in with the things that my friends were doing and there were opportunities that I couldn’t access due to having DS. There will be so many nights out and experiences that your DD will have to miss out on being a student with a baby/child and she’ll say it won’t matter but when her friends are constantly going out without her and planning holidays and trips that she can’t go on, you can guarantee she’ll think differently

Well I couldn't do those things as medicine stole my youth, was always on call or studying. If OP's Dd has a baby now she will be done by 35, which is hardly ancient, she can travel/ go on holiday then. I have teenagers who love the parents of their friends who are still in their 30's, so much more in common. Also at 18 she is likely to sail through pregnancy/childbirth with few problems and have a very healthy baby with low chance of developmental difficulties.

Christ, if you want a relationship with your daughter (and future grandchild!) do not do anything @LollyLol suggests.

My DDs are small but I have thought about if this were to happen in the future, before they are really adults. It’s a potential scenario when you become a parent unfortunately, no matter how much you talk to them, accidents happen.

There’s nothing more you can say now without pressuring her into an abortion, which you already know is unfair (and will ruin your relationship with her anyway) Explain to her you will be supportive, but not parent the baby. Decide now on how far that support stretches (financially and practically in terms of childcare) and explain that to her.

It’s good that you’re letting her stay, kicking her out would make life harder for her and long-term more likely to increase the risk of SS involvement and you having to step in.

Ask her how she plans on affording baby items now, she needs a part-time job now at the very least, look into what financial support she will get once the babies born (mat allowance, child benefit, UC) and help her work out a plan (she’s unlikely to really factor in all costs, so how will she afford all baby equipment, talk to her about breastfeeding to reduce costs).

You keep letting her boyfriend off the hook here, I would be furious that hes basically shrugging his shoulders and saying he’s ‘basically not going to be involved’ and would be contacting his parents. He had sex with your daughter knowing that this risk may happen, even if she said she would abort if it did, it’s still a potential possibility that she wouldn’t, or would find out too late. We need to be teaching boys that sex=potential baby, regardless of what is said, and that they need to consider that before they have sex! Teenage fathers are always let off the hook and it’s the teenage mothers who deal with it all and face the backlash.

@LollyLol what an awful response.

Oh and talk to her about the reality of missing the social side of university and how this will impact on future relationships.

I understand you must be gutted, but I came here to say I had DD at 17, got 4 As at A level, went to a top 5 university and now have a pretty nice life. I married a lovely man, did some fun travel with DD, had two more kids (much later) and it all worked out ok. I'm not saying it was easy and I probably missed out on loads but it motivated me in a strange way and I'm now reasonably well off. I left home at 18 and had very little support.

@RolyPoly12

You absolutely should not be making this decision for her or pushing her into a decision that suits you. If keeping the baby is what she wants to do then she needs to be supported.

I got pregnant at 17, my mum was of course disappointed and extremely worried but never once did she tell me what decision to make or sway me in any direction, she was there for me to talk to and made it clear that she would support me with whatever decision. I made the choice myself to keep my baby and of course it was the best thing I ever did. I went back to college and finished my A Levels, got a job and worked my way up to a senior level and now have a solid career and great pay. It wasn’t without its hardship but what parent finds juggling parenting/relationships/career a breeze? My DS’s dad and I split not long after baby was born but we managed to make it work and co-parent just fine. Even if dad isn’t about, single mums can still absolutely smash life.

Your daughter sounds like she has ambition and great intentions, even though she will be a teenage mum. That’s the sort of energy you should encourage.

If my mum had swayed me to have an abortion, I probably would have, it was at a time that I was so impressionable and scared and wanted someone to tell me what to do but thankfully, nobody ever did. I am so so thankful that my mum is my mum and let me choose my future. Set your boundaries of course but be there for your daughter, she needs you. I for one am rooting for her!

@RolyPoly12. That's lovely 😊. It's not the norm though & id love to hear your Mums take on it & how she feels about it.

Often the parents (now grandparents), if they let the DD & DGC stay 'at home' sacrifice a lot more than the DC consider.

It's great for you/your DC that your mum did/could do that, but not everyone can/wants to.

Oh dear, your life is about to change forever. She's got you over a barrel. Always the maternal grandmother.
I'd be devastated too. And massively resentful. She sounds very presumptuous about the amount of 'support' she's going to get. Ask her what she thinks that entails. It doesn't have to fall to a female though. Can't her DF do most of the childcare? Why you?

You owe it to her and her future not to be passive about this. I had my eldest child at her age and it was fucking hard work. I also had to go through uni with DC, it’s exhausting and you miss out on the whole halls / freshers/general partying and socialising experience because you have to go home to your child every day. My Mum was passive and told me she’d support whatever decision I made. I wish she’d been bloody honest with me and actually told me how difficult it is. I’m not sure whether I’d have changed my mind but at least I’d have had a little understanding rather than thinking it was all going to be fine. Love my children obviously, that goes without saying and I wouldn’t be without them at all but I made life a lot more difficult for myself.

HeyItsPickleRick To achieve all that it seems likely you did have ‘support’, if not from your family than from the state, eg housing and childcare subsidies.

You can't make her have a termination. You can decide that she is not living in your house with a baby, and you can make it clear that you will not be doing the bulk of the child care.

This. Part of being a parent is knowing what you would do if you and only you had to look after your own child/children. There are plenty of us who have to suddenly plan for parenting alone and to not even consider what parenting without your support would look like, would be a mistake.

@Justmuddlingalong

I would say I'd support her choice but not enable it. I'd have a calm conversation with her and be very clear and honest about what my input would and wouldn't be.

This. Also make a list together of all the stuff baby/toddler needs and ask her who’ll be paying for it (clue-not you). Yes you could gift her a pram etc but I bet she hasn’t thought through the day to day costs.

Don’t pressurise her into abortion but make it absolutely clear your practical and financial limitations

The father should not be allowed to walk away. He needs to get a job or go to university close to home and share the care of his child.

@forcedfun

An abortion she doesn't want is just as likely to ruin her life. the mental health impacts would be huge.

I had several friends who have made a huge success of their lives despite having babies in their late teens. In each case the common feature was that their parents supported them (emotionally and practically) to further their education and start their careers.

So the OP should chuck her job and give up whatever plans she may have for her own life in order to support her daughter?

To say an abortion is likely to have such serious mental health impacts as to 'ruin' a life is unhelpful scaremongering.