DD is pregnant, not sure what do

[penguinmoonwalker]

Hey, dd is 17, 18 in June. She's pregnant unplanned and she has decided now she wants to keep the baby. I think she is naive and doesn't know how much work it will be and how it will take over every aspect of her life. When I've tried to talk to her about this she says that she isn't stupid and to stop patronising her. She says that she thinks that this happened for a reason and that part of her wants to be a young mum. She says she plans to do A levels in the summer as planned and then take a year out and go to uni September 2023 at a uni locally and tbf she has been doing some research on doing a degree with a baby. However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare. She wants to stay at home and I'll be honest I'd rather not have a young baby in the house. However there is no way I would ever kick her out and would much rather she was here with her baby than in wherever else she might go and I have told her this as I don't want to lie to her about it. She says that most girls who decide to get an abortion have no support and no other options but she feels like that is not true for her and that she could raise a child and that abortion should be the last resort. She also says that her life is 'kinda boring' at the moment.
Her bf seems like a reasonable guy and isn't putting any pressure on her but he doesn't want to be a father yet and he says that 'he will try and help a bit but won't make any huge sacrifices' and he will be going to uni in September and realistically he will hardly be involved
I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

@Booboobagins

I have several friends who did this. They all call themselves late bloomers as they went to uni, bought houses/started their careers slightly later than those of us who were allegedly more sensible.

Every one of them have had marvellous careers, they kids are fab too.

They def relied on relatives to help for sure, but children bring an amazing dimension to our lives and the grow up quickly, so really wondering what tge issue with a baby at your house is - bothered by nappies, toys and sticky fingers? The joy of a grandchild will out strip all of that.

Support your daughter, things will work out well for all of you xxx

That's encouraging that it all worked out so well, although I am not sure I want all of that in the house anymore. I feel like it might go all ok but I don't know and that is the scary bit, as I know there is a high chance everything will go really badly

@Krakenchorus

Sit her down and have her set up a Mumsnet account. Let her start her own thread and ask for input.

Haha I'm not sure she'll be up for that but I will try and see

I try and look at it from his point of view. If my son was in this position then I wouldn't want him to have to make huge changes to his life plans because of the mistake of not using contraception properly and what I thought was a mistake of his gf being extremely naive
I was pretty horrified at your reaction to the father but I'm even more disturbed by this. It reeks of "boys will be boys" and goes a way to explaining how 'we' make it so easy for men to walk away. Poor boy made a silly mistake, why should he suffer. Silly girl made her bed. Awful. On the flip side, this boy did not care enough to protect your daughter. Why does he get a pass for that? My sons are taught from very young to respect themselves and any partner they may have and contraception is a HUGE part of that. If they were stupid enough not to remember this, no way would they get to just walk away from their actions.

I cannot believe the amount of suggestions and endorsements for manipulating this lassie into termination on here
Meh. Termination would be the best ending. Why are our girls aiming so fucking low? If she was mature enough, she'd know this.

[quote Ponoka7]@LollyLol, why would you do less for a younger woman who needs support than you would for a woman who doesn't? Are we back to the days were we punish young women for getting pregnant? I suppose you were in favour of the laundries?

@penguinmoonwalker, you're going to be doing more childcare than you would like. My DD did 100% when she was bf until they were 2. Then she grew into herself, wanted to date again, because let's face it how many people in their 20's don't miss sex. She also started to develop interests, which if course you can't do with a child under 5. Her uni friendship group will be at a completely different stage. She may befriend mature students who have children and they swap babysitting. I've seen that work. 'my life isn't exciting ' sounds in a rut. There was a new life waiting for her at 18. I'd talk through what having a child actually means. Is his Mum going to be involved?[/quote]
I am ok with doing more but I still just need to set clear boundaries and stick to them which I don't if I will or not! I think she is being in a bit of a rut recently and I don't think she really understands anything. That could hopefully work well if she is able to do so. I've reached out to his mum today and she is really nice and understanding and would want to help, though I am not sure to what extent and in what capacity. I worry that will happen with my dd that to start with it'll be ok but over time she gets more and more bored and becomes more and more unhappy. How has everything worked out for you now and what would you do differently?

There are some almightily unsupportive posts on here. Telling her to move out by sixth month of pregnancy?!

As a mother you should support your child when they need you. Now is a time she needs her mum to support her in whatever choice she makes, not throw her out. By that I am not saying you should do her childcare or sacrifice your life for her but support her in her choice.

And yes we have family experience with a similar situation, the young mum involved sat her A levels, took her toddler to university with her and now has a senior position, is now married with another child. She did fantastically, it is possible.

@CJsGoldfish

I try and look at it from his point of view. If my son was in this position then I wouldn't want him to have to make huge changes to his life plans because of the mistake of not using contraception properly and what I thought was a mistake of his gf being extremely naive I was pretty horrified at your reaction to the father but I'm even more disturbed by this. It reeks of "boys will be boys" and goes a way to explaining how 'we' make it so easy for men to walk away. Poor boy made a silly mistake, why should he suffer. Silly girl made her bed. Awful. On the flip side, this boy did not care enough to protect your daughter. Why does he get a pass for that? My sons are taught from very young to respect themselves and any partner they may have and contraception is a HUGE part of that. If they were stupid enough not to remember this, no way would they get to just walk away from their actions.

I cannot believe the amount of suggestions and endorsements for manipulating this lassie into termination on here
Meh. Termination would be the best ending. Why are our girls aiming so fucking low? If she was mature enough, she'd know this.

I think my daughter should get an abortion and I think that is right for her. And she has access to this and could make this choice. I don't know exactly what happened with contraception and my daughter said they didn't do anything wrong although I am very sceptical of this, but its done now and there is no point dwelling on it when there is so much we need to work out about the future. But they are both equally responsable for that and both should have taken more care over it. But my daughter rightfully has the choice to get an abortion and I think she is making a mistake not getting one. Her bf thinks she is making a mistake not getting one. Why should he have to make huge sacrifices because of that choice she has made that he thinks is a mistake. I don't see how, in this case, him saying I don't really want to be involved is any different really to if my daughter got an abortion, how is it different? I've said that i think it is completely different when a pregnancy is planned and the father has left having made that comittment

Her bf thinks she is making a mistake not getting one. Why should he have to make huge sacrifices because of that choice she has made that he thinks is a mistake. I don't see how, in this case, him saying I don't really want to be involved is any different really to if my daughter got an abortion, how is it different?
Contraception used correctly is pretty damn effective. Of course you have all the "I did everything right and still got pregnant" anecdotes that come up every time there is a thread like this but, really, it's usually a case of not using a condom. Who wants to admit to that though? There is no need for any teen to fall pregnant but some still aim that low.
As a mother of a son, I'm just aghast at your reaction. This boy had a choice and he chose and now you don't think he should be 'inconvenienced' because your dd isn't making the decision you want her to.
Now, I agree, abortion is the better option but I also don't agree with 'punishment' if it isn't the one she chooses. And that's the vibe coming from your posts. He gets to 'punish' her for not making the choice he wants as well by walking away. After all, his education and his life is so much more worthy. There'd be no baby, and no decision to make, if he'd just protected her from that. It was HIS call.
This is all kinds of wrong and, like I said, a clear indication of why the whole 'boys will be boys' attitude still thrives.

@Snorkello

Hi OP. I know it must be difficult for you to worry for your daughters future, and feeling she is making a mistake, but it is her choice.

She’s not listening to you because she knows you’re not supporting her decision right now. You need to embrace it, and listen to her side. Be emotionally supportive right now. The fact that she’s researching parenting and studying is a good sign.

Once you’ve opened up a good line of communication, it will be easier to explain some of the challenges she will face, and give her the opportunity to talk through all her options and how it could work. Rather than say ‘you won’t be able to do x once you have a baby’ try asking ‘have you figured out how x will work with a baby’. Allow her to come to you to talk through everything.

It’s really kind of you to say you won’t be kicking her out. You’re clearly a great mum, so have confidence that she will be too.

In respect of the bf. It’s clear he won’t be that involved, but when baby arrives he may feel differently and offer some support. Have faith! No, he can’t financially support her right now, but there’s plenty of financial support out there for young mums.

It’s a shame she won’t get to go out partying, and you can make it clear that she will miss this. Does she go out with friends lots? Festivals, clubs, spontaneous nights out are all gone. But I think that comes as a shock to new mums of any age!

You don’t have to provide financial support or babysitting services to be there for her. Emotional support is key here, whilst still keeping boundaries about what help you can provide. It will empower her to achieve and keep a good bond between you, which is so important. Make it clear what support you can offer. She’s not a child anymore, and I know plenty of people who had children young and are amazing parents.

Wishing you all well and I hope it works out for her, whatever she decides.

Its tough because I am in 2 minds as I don't want her to have this baby and I want to be honest with her. But perhaps you're right and phrasing it that way will be better! It is good that she is trying to take it seriously and she does realise it is going to be a huge change, just she doesn't realise quite how huge and I'm worried in 2 years she will basically feel like she made a mistake. I don't think that a 17 yo should have to maek such life changing and huge decisions even if she is not a child.

I can't believe the people on this thread who think it's fine for a bored 17 year old to have a baby. Just flabbergasted.

Love to you OP, I can't imagine how angry and frustrated you must be.

OP you may think you know what is right for your daughter but only she knows. It’s her life and her body. Yes, she will need support but ending a life is a very serious choice and one she shouldn’t be pressured into. I know if this had happened to me at 17 I would have kept the baby. It’s going to affect the rest of her life, whether she chooses to abort or not. The father doesn’t have to carry the baby or have life growing inside him.

"Support" feels like a bit of a euphemism here.

OP didn't choose to use ineffective contraception as the young couple did, nor does she get to choose what path the DD takes.

But surely she - as. woman in her late 40s - gets to choose how she spends the next years of her life.

In the OP, the DD has already said that she feels she can keep the baby because she has "support ".

It feels like casual ageism from some here. Of course the middle aged woman who already supports an entire household can take on a baby as well, and that's what currently will be happening if the DD gets bored looking after her baby.

Yes an abortion should never be considered lightly, but the implications of bringing a child into the world who subsequently ends up being resented or ultimately having to be adopted, should be considered as well.

anyway, im 20 now with a 15mo DS, who is the light of my life! we moved out of my mum and dads just after christmas after saving and saving which felt like such an achievement.

the achievement was teamwork though. You did a bit but did you contribute any cold hard cash to the household? or just save?

@Brefugee

anyway, im 20 now with a 15mo DS, who is the light of my life! we moved out of my mum and dads just after christmas after saving and saving which felt like such an achievement.

the achievement was teamwork though. You did a bit but did you contribute any cold hard cash to the household? or just save?

yes, we paid more in rent at my mum and dads than we do in our 2 bed house now

I would be reminding her it's not just the baby years she needs to think of. After 3 years at Uni presumably she wants to get a job. The toddler will need childcare, how will she afford this? A year later the child will be going to school, how will she work around dropping the child off and picking it up. Its not just a baby, it's the next 18 years of her life.

OP I haven't read the full thread but I'd be devastated if this was one of my DDs - and I'd be incredibly disappointed. I also wouldn't want to take on a baby and I'd be making it clear you wont be constantly there to help and I'm sure you are making it clear to her what she will be missing out on in terms of travel/opportunities.

Hi op , what a difficult situation to be in .
Have you discussed long term plans, how long you will allow her to live with you , a time scale for her to become independent of you ?
It's a very big commitment and she will need to see the big picture, no clubbing , nights out , sleepless nights when trying to study, being able to have a new relationship plus's costs involved bringing up a child.
I would make it clear you will support her short term but she needs a long term plan.

Sounds like you'll end up doing the bulk of child raising.

I think the best solution is for DD to get her own place. That is my plan should my DD come home pregnant (many years before that).

I can't bear the little kid stage, my sleep has been broken for 5+ years already, and still continues, although not as much. Once I reach 48, I will be totally done and looking forward to living how I want.

I do just think some of these comments are a tad on the expecting the young girl to fail before she’s even had a chance to prove herself side. I mean I had my first child at 20 and was I absolutely perfect? No, but nobody is, however I did raise my son very well whilst dealing with an DV relationship at the same time which I hid from my mum because I didn’t feel as though I was welcome back home, luckily I opened up to my mum and was rushed straight home with my son at 5 months old but I think people are a little quick to judge young mothers and suggest she fend for herself which can do more harm than good. Might I add I saw the red flags blazing before I moved in with him but felt I had no choice because I was turned out.

@Mamadooley it is a harsh world, as we all find out for ourselves, it is just very sad when it happens so early in life when things are usually more carefree and fun. I'm sorry you had a tough experience and you were fortunate your mum was willing to rush you home and cushion you from the impact of getting in over-your-head in a terrible relationship that went as far as producing a child. I'm glad it worked out for you. I'm not saying that you can't end up in an awful pickle at any age, but things are easier with some life experience, a good education and work history - things that set you up to stand a chance of being financially independent and weathering life's storms without falling back on mum/dad at the first sign of trouble.

I wouldnt especially want a naive teenaged DD assuming she can bring a baby into the world and I'll carry the burden of it for her. It is so hard at that age to really imagine what life is like with a small baby.

And yes, I do judge people who bring kids into the world with no real clue how they will support them; it isn't a mystery how babies are made; jt isnt hard to access birth control; abortions are available on the NHS. It is a really horrible, tough option to have an abortion and personally Ive always known I couldnt do it. I was really very, very careful not to put myself in a position where it could be an issue. So I judge people who arent willing to make the tough choices and yet put themselves at risk of having to.

If the DD is simply expecting to get a free ride because mum will support her whatever happens, then that's a very selfish assumption (even if it turns out to be true). At the very least she should be thinking she has to stand on her own two feet as fast as possible, make a plan to be independent. It might mean her child is in daycare from a very young age, and she struggles and/or has to delay a lot of her life. On her own, it will be an uphill battle to pursue further education; form a new relationship or enjoy her social life; get a good career. Those things are hard anyway, but it's even harder with a little baby.

Of course in reality I probably would swoop in and save DD from her own stupidity but it would be with consequences and she wouldn't find it was an easy ride.

I think for many of us it's that most women know how many children they wish to take on and that there will come a point when they want to move on from parenting small children. It's interesting that there is more sympathy for the father who at least willingly rolled the dice here. The maternal grandmother isn't at all involved in the conception and get is expected to be the co-parent.

It's one thing being a young parent who goes into it with their eyes open and sensible plans. This doesn't sound like it and for all the inspiring stories of teen mums who later become CEOs there are going to be far more less inspiring tales.

OP
I suggest you get a night shift job, so you cannot be dragged into daily evening childcare.

@Mamadooley

I do just think some of these comments are a tad on the expecting the young girl to fail before she’s even had a chance to prove herself side. I mean I had my first child at 20 and was I absolutely perfect? No, but nobody is, however I did raise my son very well whilst dealing with an DV relationship at the same time which I hid from my mum because I didn’t feel as though I was welcome back home, luckily I opened up to my mum and was rushed straight home with my son at 5 months old but I think people are a little quick to judge young mothers and suggest she fend for herself which can do more harm than good. Might I add I saw the red flags blazing before I moved in with him but felt I had no choice because I was turned out.

But being forced into a dv relationship or grandma having to pick up the pieces is what we are trying to avoid.

I knows this sounds ridiculous (and possibly is) but has she ever watched any of the MTV series 16 and pregnant? The vast majority of them are all naive and think schooling/college/relationships are going to be a walk in the park. After the baby is born they really struggle, watch their friends having care free lives going off and usually the boyfriend scarpers and doesn't provide child support despite any initial promises. I'd be sitting her down to a box set.

How are things progressing op ?