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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What would you do if you heard ds17 having sex

300 replies

superdo · 21/03/2022 21:56

Just that really. He's been with his girlfriend 3 months, he's 17 (18 in may) she was 18 last month.
She's comes over 4-5 times a week and sometimes stays in a Saturday night.
They sit in his room and watch tv.

I'm in bed next door to ds. I thought I heard the bed quietly banging, then dh messaged me from downstairs saying he'd just heard them having sex, he heard the bed. Obviously he's not happy about it and neither am I.

I've just texted ds didn't want to go in and told him what we heard. He's denied it.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Neurodiversitydoctor · 22/03/2022 07:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

collieresponder88 · 22/03/2022 07:07

This happened to me with my daughter. Of course I'd know they would do it but I did not want to hear it and I had told her beforehand. I text her to say I could hear her and he needs to leave. He never stayed after that. She broke the rules that was the consequence

Neurodiversitydoctor · 22/03/2022 07:07

Out of interest, at what age does MN think it is ok for their son or daughter to have sex in their home? Is it to do with their marital status or is it simply ‘never in my house’ or is there an age threshold when it becomes acceptable?

For me sixth form. But no sleepovers during the week in term time.

Tillsforthrills · 22/03/2022 07:08

Can’t believe you texted the poor boy about it! Hmm

TheTeaFairy · 22/03/2022 07:09

@Vanillalatteplease the next day after I heard my DC having noisy sex in their bedroom above our living room, I asked her to watch that Gavin & Stacey scene with me.

Never heard a peep again Wink

makeupfail · 22/03/2022 07:10

@Muppetlove I change my name if the post could be outing or if I don't want it linking to my previous posts?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 22/03/2022 07:12

do nothing

MrsLargeEmbodied · 22/03/2022 07:12

[quote TheTeaFairy]@Vanillalatteplease the next day after I heard my DC having noisy sex in their bedroom above our living room, I asked her to watch that Gavin & Stacey scene with me.

Never heard a peep again Wink[/quote]
what a great idea!

Original poster
superdo · 22/03/2022 07:15

My ds ALWAYS comes first before my dh and they both know this.
Yes he can be a bit controlling when he comes to my son but I've always and always will stick up for my son.

He's been in his life since he was 2 years old and they have always had a great relationship. Now that he's a teen things have got a little harder. He still treats him like he's 14 not nearly 18.

He is quite strict and a bit of a prude when it comes to sex and relationships regarding my son. We have had a few arguments about this. But like I said my son will always come first no matter what. It's his home too

OP posts:
BacardiOnATuesday · 22/03/2022 07:18

@Neurodiversitydoctor That sounds very reasonable.

I remember my mum insisting my boyfriend and I had separate bedrooms when we visited her. We were in our late 20s. I recall him coming into my room in the morning just to say hello and plan our day (no sex). My mum went mad.

For this and many other reasons we don’t have a good relationship now.

When I visited him, however, his parents couldn’t have been more welcoming. They checked whether we wanted to share a room during our stay and were just lovely. I had a wonderful relationship with his parents and had our relationship progressed I have no doubt I would have been closer to them than I am to my own mother who didn’t seem to trust us under her roof.

Seraphinesupport · 22/03/2022 07:20

are you saying you have never had sex whilst your children have been at home? in the entirety of there lives??

Original poster
superdo · 22/03/2022 07:20

I've just spoken to ds and we are fine, we had a little laugh and joke about it.
Told him in future just to be a little more whiter or make till everyone is either asleep or out. He's not embarrassed we do have a good relationship.

Now just waiting for the phone from my mardy DH about it. I can deal with him though

OP posts:
Original poster
superdo · 22/03/2022 07:22

@Seraphinesupport

are you saying you have never had sex whilst your children have been at home? in the entirety of there lives??
Yes obviously but we've always waited till they are asleep, out or gone in a room where they won't hear anything
OP posts:
BacardiOnATuesday · 22/03/2022 07:23

@superdo That’s good to hear. It sounds as though things might be difficult between your DH and son though which is a shame.

Original poster
superdo · 22/03/2022 07:29

[quote BacardiOnATuesday]@superdo That’s good to hear. It sounds as though things might be difficult between your DH and son though which is a shame.[/quote]
They do have a good relationship but DH can also be a dick as well but I always have my sons side no matter what. I would never ever want him to feel left out or pushed out. He's my first born and will always have me

OP posts:
Brefugee · 22/03/2022 07:30

it's not about being a "cool mum" it's about teenagers learning how to behave. Sure they're having sex - sex is great, most people love it so much they go to great lengths to have as much as possible. There are whole industries built around it.

OP, what is your DHs actual objection to your son having sex? Is he worried about consequences? (pregnancy? STIs?) or is he only embarassed at hearing the evidence? how is it disrespectful of anyone to be doing private things in your own private space?

Sure, nobody wants to hear it (and at least it wasn't porn-film style moaning and only the usual headboard rattling) and that is a legit conversation to have with your son, alongside the one about safe sex. It's uncomfortable to know your kids have sex, for sure. But when it came down to it with our DCs we were happy to know they were being responsible (and silent, we never heard a thing so not 100% sure it happened under our roof).

It is utter piffle to be concerned that sex is going on with children in the house. Unless it is in front of them? Or similarly inappropriate.

Have a grown up conversation about it. (is it the growing up that's a problem? Parents/children need to constantly re-evaluate and re-think their relationships as time goes on and some of the changes are difficult to navigate and happen at the wrong time sometimes, but it must be done)

CollyFleur · 22/03/2022 07:33

I would put my fingers in my ears and think "Yuck".

LakieLady · 22/03/2022 07:35

@LoveFall

I would probably do nothing.

I did worse decades ago and walked in on DS and his girlfriend. They were 18.

I had been home from work for a good hour and was collecting laundry from the bedrooms. Big OOPS. I shut the door as fast as I could and hightailed it back upstairs.

Poor kids, they came upstairs and apologized. I told them was I who should apologize.

My boyfriend's dad walked in on us when I was 17. I'm 66 now, and your post made me blush all over again, nearly 50 years later!

He got a talking to from his dad, but it was mostly along the lines of "Don't let your mother catch you at it, she'll go mad". And about contraception.

Just ask them to keep the noise down, OP. It's surely far better for them to shag under your roof than in the local park, alleyway or bus shelter. And your DS will be an adult in a few weeks, it's not like he's 15 or anything.

I think your DH's attitude is a bit weird, tbh.

PinkFluffyUnicornSlippers · 22/03/2022 07:43

Not the end of the World is it? They’re both above the age of consent. It would be different if he was having send with a 14 year old but he isn’t 🤷‍♀️

PinkFluffyUnicornSlippers · 22/03/2022 07:44

*sex

Citygirl2019 · 22/03/2022 07:46

I would have been in the camp of not under my roof when DC were pre-teen.

Reality is once they are in relationships post 16/17 they are going to have sex. My priority in your situation would be to ensure it was safe sex.

My rules when my DS was a similar age were that he needed to be considerate to the rest of us in the house and I'd rather not hear. I think I only did the once.

Your DH is being unreasonable and I'd be more concerned about his relationship with your DS. You felt the need to text DS to warn him your DH was not happy!! That rings alarm bells to me.

Also I assuming you and your DH have had sex while your DS is in the house.

FairyPolkadot · 22/03/2022 07:47

I just told mine (17 also) that I could hear them. He was embarrassed, I haven’t heard them since so they’re obviously just being quieter about it now!

If your sons girlfriend stays overnight, I’d have thought it obvious they were not just watching television in his bedroom.

The only thing to do is talk to him about safe and responsible sex.

Original poster
superdo · 22/03/2022 07:49

Well now I'm getting all the messages from dh. Saying I need to sort this out, he's not having it in his house with 2 toddlers.
He's pays half towards everything so why doesn't he get a say.
Her mum and dad don't allow him to stay at hers or go in her room alone so why should we.
MHD even said why don't I look for a flat for ds. Beading in mind he's in college and only works 2 days a week! No chance

OP posts:
ididntevennotice · 22/03/2022 07:51

It's a control thing. What a prick. I hope you choose your son here...

MrsGHarrison87 · 22/03/2022 07:52

It's only disrespectful if they're not making any attempt to keep the noise down. Just have a quiet word and ask them to be quieter next time. Or tell him he can't have her stay over anymore. It's your house after all. But you can't control what goes on in his bedroom.