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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What would you do if you heard ds17 having sex

300 replies

superdo · 21/03/2022 21:56

Just that really. He's been with his girlfriend 3 months, he's 17 (18 in may) she was 18 last month.
She's comes over 4-5 times a week and sometimes stays in a Saturday night.
They sit in his room and watch tv.

I'm in bed next door to ds. I thought I heard the bed quietly banging, then dh messaged me from downstairs saying he'd just heard them having sex, he heard the bed. Obviously he's not happy about it and neither am I.

I've just texted ds didn't want to go in and told him what we heard. He's denied it.

What would you do?

OP posts:
makeupfail · 22/03/2022 06:10

We have a rule not in daytime when young son is awake. After 730pm fine but be quiet. I always knock before I go in.

makeupfail · 22/03/2022 06:11

Also if dh is unhappy then surely he should speak to ds?

makeupfail · 22/03/2022 06:13

@ThenAgainMaybeIWont

lol. So many 'cool mums' on here

I have two teens. They would immediately be told to just bloody stop and I'd be very clear that I didn't want to hear them having sex again.

You prefer they do in a car? A public toilet?
GnomeDePlume · 22/03/2022 06:15

Ask DS to tighten the bolts on the bed or replace the bed with the type they use in hotels (divan with separate headboard attached to wall rather than bed).

Tell DH he is a hypocrite (unless you conceived toddlers in a car/woods/shed at the bottom of the garden).

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/03/2022 06:16

So your dh disapproves of your ds having sex because there are toddlers in the house. This is a silly excuse. But could be insidious, as in the ‘MY children are more important than yours’ attitude. How is your dh about your ds in general?

Would it be effective to play him at his own game? Ie the next time he wants to have sex, say you can’t, you’ve thought a lot about what he said and he’s right, no sex as you have toddlers in the house.

makeupfail · 22/03/2022 06:17

Actually having read on I found the worry of stepdads reaction to ds more concerning than ds having sex. Is he often unreasonable?

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 22/03/2022 06:18

@AllThingsServeTheBeam :o

Blossom, I am afraid you have been lied to.

YukoandHiro · 22/03/2022 06:19

They're obviously going to be doing it wherever they are. Wouldn't you rather it was in his bed rather than the bushes in the park?
Ask him to be more discrete and make sure you use it as an opportunity to discuss safe sex and consent. Make sure he's always using condoms to prevent pregnancy even if she says she's on the pill

BellatrixOnABadDay · 22/03/2022 06:20

I wonder what your response would have been OP if your son had objected to you moving your now husband in and having more children with him- you've already said that because he isn't your son's dad he isn't as understanding of him. Your choice to marry and have more children, and bring another man into your son's home has far bigger repercussions for him, than you hearing your nearly 18 year old son and his 18 year old girlfriend having sex. Unless they were making no effort to be quiet then how is it disrespectful?

Nothing to do with being a 'cool mum' btw. Just actually realistic. He is nearly 18, he's over the age of consent. If he's trying to be discreet (as frankly any adult in the house should be so I do hope there was no chance he heard the conception of those sleeping toddlers) then it's not disrespectful.

Bananarama21 · 22/03/2022 06:23

Hrs almost 18 just tell him to be quite your dh sounds like a jerk. You'll have sex when your dc are in bed why isn't it any different

Allsorts1 · 22/03/2022 06:24

Reminds me of my horrible step dad - don’t let your DH’s bad attitude towards your son ruin your relationship with your son.

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 22/03/2022 06:29

I’d ask him to be a bit quieter. That’s all. And probably remind him to make sure they use protection.

Would have no issue with my nearly adult child having consensual sex.

Dentistlakes · 22/03/2022 06:30

I’m afraid your DH needs to back off. Presumably your son was in your life before he was? He came into your son’s life not the other way around. I’m afraid I wouldn’t stand for that, I would be standing up for my son.

As for the sex, he’s nearly 18 not 12!

Sally2791 · 22/03/2022 06:33

No need for anyone to get angry/upset about it, maybe just a tactful word to DS.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 22/03/2022 06:35

Ask him to be more discrete and make sure you use it as an opportunity to discuss safe sex and consent. Make sure he's always using condoms to prevent pregnancy even if she says she's on the pill

Discussing safe sex and consent now brings shutting the stable door a whole new level of meaning ! Years 6,7,8 Are the time for those chats, not at 18 !

YukoandHiro · 22/03/2022 06:43

Well of course @Neurodiversitydoctor - but there's no harm in bringing it back up again is there. It's one thing in theory, but how many 18 year old lads would just go condomless anyway if a girlfriend is on the pill? A reminder of why that's a terrible idea is important

HTH1 · 22/03/2022 06:47

So what do you think will happen if you ban him? Either he will carry on doing it anyway or he will simply go to GF’s house (maybe falling out with you in the process) and you will see him less.

That shop has sailed and it is very unlikely he will suddenly take a vow of chastity just because you tell him to. The toddlers aren’t relevant here, if you can just hear a little quiet banging late at night as opposed to banshee screams etc.

Muppetlove · 22/03/2022 06:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Thatsplentyjack · 22/03/2022 06:51

@superdo

I know he's doing nothing illegal I just think it's a bit disrespectful when he knows I'm the next room.

So your telling me you wouldn't mind hearing your son have sex on the room next to you!

But you've had sex while he's in the same house yes? They should keep it down so you don't have to listen to it but not a big deal.
Neurodiversitydoctor · 22/03/2022 06:51

Most young women these days use the implant rather than the pill. If they have both had STI screens then there is no reason to continue to use condoms in a monogamous committed relationship. At 18 I would consider that they were adults, had all the information and were making informed decisions. I certainly wouldn't start weighing in on contraceptive choices unless explicitly asked.

Roselilly36 · 22/03/2022 06:52

It wouldn’t worry me in the least tbh. DS’ is safe, in his own bedroom with his consensual GF. As long as they were as discreet as possible. I wouldn’t mention a thing.

Happymum12345 · 22/03/2022 06:54

Turn the tv up. Now you’ve told him you could hear him, he’ll probably be quieter.

Datada · 22/03/2022 06:56

Priorities, buy a big box of condoms. Youngsters that age are ^^fertile! Then if you don't want him having sex there, make it so.

Muppetlove · 22/03/2022 07:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

BacardiOnATuesday · 22/03/2022 07:06

Out of interest, at what age does MN think it is ok for their son or daughter to have sex in their home? Is it to do with their marital status or is it simply ‘never in my house’ or is there an age threshold when it becomes acceptable?

It doesn’t sound as though they were being incredibly loud or inconsiderate. The only way you can prevent this is to say your son’s girlfriend isn’t to come to your house. And that would damage your relationship with your son.