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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What would you do if you heard ds17 having sex

300 replies

superdo · 21/03/2022 21:56

Just that really. He's been with his girlfriend 3 months, he's 17 (18 in may) she was 18 last month.
She's comes over 4-5 times a week and sometimes stays in a Saturday night.
They sit in his room and watch tv.

I'm in bed next door to ds. I thought I heard the bed quietly banging, then dh messaged me from downstairs saying he'd just heard them having sex, he heard the bed. Obviously he's not happy about it and neither am I.

I've just texted ds didn't want to go in and told him what we heard. He's denied it.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Wiredforsound · 22/03/2022 04:15

I think you need to buy him a chastity belt and make sure you take the key with you every time you go out.

jamandmarmaladeoncrumpets · 22/03/2022 04:19

Yes and one for your son too

jamandmarmaladeoncrumpets · 22/03/2022 04:21

Just wear ear plugs and some for your husband

ChainAusten · 22/03/2022 04:23

Trouble is they will just go somewhere else to do it if they don’t feel comfortable at home. Much better that you know where they are and that you can be open enough to make sure they are practicing safe sex.
We have a very similar set up to you, your dh needs to get over himself

Malibuismysecrethome · 22/03/2022 04:50

I’m old skool, if they are mature enough to be having sex they can sort a room out. I would have the ick if I could hear them in the next room.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 22/03/2022 04:57

I am not sure what all the "class" comments are about.
All the MC teenagers I grew up with had bf/gf staying over in Sixth form. All have functional adult relationships with their parents as adults too.

CheshireSplat · 22/03/2022 04:59

OP, your last 2 messages are all about DH's feelings. What about your DS? I'm getting the impression your DH comes first which must be awful for your DS. Does DS feel you are on his side. Not about this particularly but in general.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 22/03/2022 05:00

This was in the 90's. Same with DS's mates , DS (nearly 18) doesn't have a girlfriend but wouldn't have an issue with them staying over.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 22/03/2022 05:02

Malibuismysecrethome just how old are you ? Nobody is is the parent of teens now can possibly have been an adult before 1967 ?

Malibuismysecrethome · 22/03/2022 05:06

Neurosiversitydoctor sorry but what has my age got to do with it, or 1967? I don’t understand your comment.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 22/03/2022 05:10

1967 the sexual revolution ? Summer of love ?
The contraceptive pill, abortion act ?
Free love ?

Suggesting that sex is somehow shameful or pre-marital sex (or god forbid living in sin) is wrong. Belongs to a set of values I associate with those born before about 1945. I really thought even my DCs grandparents were more enlightened.

BunsyGirl · 22/03/2022 05:11

Did DH have sex with you before you were married OP? If the answer is yes, point out that his behaviour towards DS is hypocritical.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 22/03/2022 05:12

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_revolution

American but you get the point.

Malibuismysecrethome · 22/03/2022 05:19

Where did I say that sex was shameful. Do you imagine that generation of free love and expression were doing it in their bedrooms with their parents next door?

Malibuismysecrethome · 22/03/2022 05:20

People were managing to have sex before 1967 as well.

Fucket · 22/03/2022 05:26

Slightly off topic but this reminds me of that film The Family Way, when the dopey dad can’t work out why plaster is falling off the ceiling into his tea, and he is asking his wife what the noise is. She just says, “never you mind!” As their son and his new wife are upstairs dtd.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 22/03/2022 05:33

Where did I say that sex was shameful. Do you imagine that generation of free love and expression were doing it in their bedrooms with their parents next door?

No but you would imagine they'd let their own children (that's us) do it and in my experience they did.

Sex before 1967 was largely expected to be between a man and a woman within a marriage. That was 55 years ago.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 22/03/2022 05:34

Subjecting a young adult to pre-sexual liberation values is like expecting the teens of the 60's to behave like it was 1910.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 22/03/2022 05:37

DH on the other hand is not happy about any of it says I need to put a stop to it. Doesn't want it happening in the house when we have 2 sleeping toddlers
Hypocrite.

Alrightqueenie · 22/03/2022 05:41

Actually it's the perfect opportunity for your dh to ask your ds about whether they're using contraception. I assume neither of you want to become grandparents just yet.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/03/2022 05:43

@Blossom64265

I can’t help but wonder if this is a life path/class divide response kind of issue. Every 17yo I know only has to wait a little while until they are in student accommodations at university to have all the unfettered sex they want. They only have to deal with the hassle of parental rules on holiday breaks and if they return home during the summer.
Jesus. How the fuck can you turn this into a class argument.
NorthGirlie · 22/03/2022 05:53

Hi,
I have an 18 year son who hasn’t got a girlfriend yet but, if he had, it wouldn’t bother me as long as they were careful. I think I’d put some music on. I have a 14 year old daughter too so I'd be more worried about her hearing but not sure what I’d do about that!

GreyCarpet · 22/03/2022 06:08

@Blossom64265

I can’t help but wonder if this is a life path/class divide response kind of issue. Every 17yo I know only has to wait a little while until they are in student accommodations at university to have all the unfettered sex they want. They only have to deal with the hassle of parental rules on holiday breaks and if they return home during the summer.
Oh dear...

Well my son lived at home during university. He had been on a few dates previously but not brought anyone home. He had his first serious girlfriend at university. They were together for 18 months.

She stayed over. I knew they had sex. They were respectful. As I am when my kids are here and I have sex with boyfriend. And they know I have sex with him too. Not because I've told them but because we are adults in a relationship.

I'm not a 'cool mum' - I've always been a parent and not a friend but there's nothing shameful about sex and certainly nothing shameful about sex in a relationship. It's how couples bond. It's why we're all here! Everyone does it and pearl clutching and pretending your child doesn't or demanding they do it elsewhere (where??) is ridiculous.

I wouldn't have allowed him to bring random women back but then he never did.

He is now in his 20s, lives alone and is single so I don't know what he gets up to and it's none of my business.

And if my daughter is still at home at the same age, the same rules will apply.

I actually dont see what the problem is.

mumofblu · 22/03/2022 06:08

@AlwaysLatte . Sorry but I can't stop laughing at the suggestion to find some nice pubs . Not suggesting you get grandma to babysit sleeping toddlers are you . Because shagging while grandmas babysitting is perhaps another thread hahaha .

Seriously when I read your original post I hear your discomfort at knowing for sure that your son is being sexually active and the stepfather too . Personally I would have spoke to the stepfather saying

"yes I know but she is is his GF , he's an adult , we've allowed them to stay over , it's unfortunate we heard it this time ( and fortunate we didn't hear it before now ! ) . I wonder if we've ever been heard ? At least he's never let us know because that would have been so embarrassing for us !!!! "

And why was your dh texting you ? Did he want you to confront / embarrass your son while he sat downstairs and washed his hands of it all . He sounds v disapproving of your son when he's only doing what I presume you already knew what he was doing

And I def wouldn't have txt him .

Papayamya · 22/03/2022 06:09

I never had sex in the family home with my parents and siblings there, but perhaps it's mutual respect as I didn't ever hear or see my parents have sex growing up.