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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What would you do if you heard ds17 having sex

300 replies

superdo · 21/03/2022 21:56

Just that really. He's been with his girlfriend 3 months, he's 17 (18 in may) she was 18 last month.
She's comes over 4-5 times a week and sometimes stays in a Saturday night.
They sit in his room and watch tv.

I'm in bed next door to ds. I thought I heard the bed quietly banging, then dh messaged me from downstairs saying he'd just heard them having sex, he heard the bed. Obviously he's not happy about it and neither am I.

I've just texted ds didn't want to go in and told him what we heard. He's denied it.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Halllyup17 · 22/03/2022 08:53

Nothing. They're old enough. Be grateful they're in your house and not down the park.

FairyPolkadot · 22/03/2022 09:00

@LetItGoHome

I would tell your husband that if there is a no sex rule in the house then it should apply to everyone under the roof. That includes him!
Brilliant. Grin
Cheekymaw · 22/03/2022 09:01

God these "cool" mums as a PP said. Have some fecking self respect. I would have told them to at least have the decency to wait until they knew we were sleeping ffs! Someone said teens don't have any self restraint, so they can't help themself? What a cringe . Naw if they are to be treated as adults , act like adults and be respectful of those they live with.

SpidersAreShitheads · 22/03/2022 09:02

I'd yell up to them "DS!!!! I hope you're remembering what I said to you the other day about female orgasm - nipple stimulation! Very important!!!"

I guarantee that will cool their ardour, at least temporarily 😅😅

But in all seriousness, I personally I couldn't care less if my teen (post-16) DS or DD were having sex under my roof. I'd rather they were doing it safely in a bedroom than behind the bins at Tesco. If they're noisy, just tell them - if they're old enough to have sex, they're old enough to hear that they're being noisy and need to dial it down a notch.

Useranon1 · 22/03/2022 09:06

@superdo

Well now I'm getting all the messages from dh. Saying I need to sort this out, he's not having it in his house with 2 toddlers. He's pays half towards everything so why doesn't he get a say. Her mum and dad don't allow him to stay at hers or go in her room alone so why should we. MHD even said why don't I look for a flat for ds. Beading in mind he's in college and only works 2 days a week! No chance
Ask your DH if he really wants a 'no sex in the house with toddlers in' rule. He'll soon change his mind!
iheartmybeachhut · 22/03/2022 09:06

Move the bed, adjust it so it doesn't creak, what's the problem ? I don't understand the 'not under my roof aspect' but then I was happy for my dc to have a steady partner sleep over, we felt they were more likely to be using contraception if it was in a comfortable and safe environment.

Calandor · 22/03/2022 09:11

@Cheekymaw

God these "cool" mums as a PP said. Have some fecking self respect. I would have told them to at least have the decency to wait until they knew we were sleeping ffs! Someone said teens don't have any self restraint, so they can't help themself? What a cringe . Naw if they are to be treated as adults , act like adults and be respectful of those they live with.
What do you think adults in flat shares do? Have silent sex for years? Everyone just ignores it!
Anon778833 · 22/03/2022 09:11

Don’t say anything to him. It’s normal - you just have to try and ignore it.

grapewines · 22/03/2022 09:14

@MondaysChild7

Don’t say anything to him. It’s normal - you just have to try and ignore it.
That's a little late. She already texted him that her husband won't like it, and now the husband is having a controlling tantrum.
CheekyMaw · 22/03/2022 09:31

@Calandor
It's not some flatshare is it ? It's his parents' house and his younger siblings are about. Wait until they are out or asleep like normal people ,ffs . They won't explode !
Also don't know about the flatshares you had , the ones I had we actually attempted respect and privacy for ourselves and our flatmates . Kept the noise down, waited until the rest of the flat were asleep or out and viceversa. No one needs to hear them screaming and banging away ffs. In this instance I get what the DH is getting at; young toddlers asleep. They may not know what is going on but kids soon suss stuff out and what if the young children walk in on the brother and girlfriend becaause they fear something is up with them ? Do you think that's okay ? He waits to be treated like an adult then behave like one. And no , me and my husband don't shag when my teenage daughter is awake. That's rude and tacky.

thingymaboob · 22/03/2022 09:38

Why is it disrespectful? How does two people of appropriate age having sex in his room disrespect you? It's a perfectly normal, healthy activity. It would be disrespectful if they were having sex in your bed, maybe but his room is his private space.

ididntevennotice · 22/03/2022 09:38

He's quite "old fashioned" with parenting. He likes to think he's the only man of the house and what he says goes but it doesn't happen like that

He isn't old fashioned, he is a controlling cunt of a man. I suggested last night this was about him feeling threatened by not being the only man in the house. I didn't realise you already knew it. Why on earth are you maintaining any sort of relationship with someone like this?

BellatrixOnABadDay · 22/03/2022 09:57

[quote CheekyMaw]@Calandor
It's not some flatshare is it ? It's his parents' house and his younger siblings are about. Wait until they are out or asleep like normal people ,ffs . They won't explode !
Also don't know about the flatshares you had , the ones I had we actually attempted respect and privacy for ourselves and our flatmates . Kept the noise down, waited until the rest of the flat were asleep or out and viceversa. No one needs to hear them screaming and banging away ffs. In this instance I get what the DH is getting at; young toddlers asleep. They may not know what is going on but kids soon suss stuff out and what if the young children walk in on the brother and girlfriend becaause they fear something is up with them ? Do you think that's okay ? He waits to be treated like an adult then behave like one. And no , me and my husband don't shag when my teenage daughter is awake. That's rude and tacky.[/quote]
Screaming and banging away? At what point has the OP said they were doing this?

Don't you think that if you are the parents of teenagers and toddlers you ought to be making a massive effort to make sure the toddlers are not impeding on the teenagers personal space? That's just basic respect for your existing, much older nearly adult children, no? Or do you not think they are worthy of respect or consideration, and that they should automatically delighted as teens to have toddlers barging in on them all the time?

thevassal · 22/03/2022 10:45

Sooo if you have two toddlers presumably you and your husband had sex when your ds could have been awake next door? And even when the older toddler was in the house when making the second one? So what exactly is the difference?

By all means have a cringy conversation about trying to keep the noise down but other than that what do you want them to do? If they went outside and had sex in the garden and the neighbours complained doubt you'd be happy with that either!

McNick · 22/03/2022 11:20

They are doing nothing wrong. Both above age of consent, in a loving relationship & it's a natural part of life.
I think your DH still views him as a child & is probably having difficulty coming to terms that he is now a young man.
I'd have a word with DH & emphasise this.
Personally, I wouldn't shame him. It's his room, his private space just like yours & DH bedroom is. So long as he isn't bringing random one night stands back I don't see the problem.

EthelTheAardvark · 22/03/2022 11:29

Well now I'm getting all the messages from dh. Saying I need to sort this out, he's not having it in his house with 2 toddlers.
He's pays half towards everything so why doesn't he get a say.

Why is he texting you when he's in the same house? Why doesn't he come and have a conversation like a normal person? How exactly does he think it will harm the toddlers, particularly bearing in mind that I assume he expects to be able to have sex whilst they're in the house?

And you pay half towards everything, why don't you get a say?

This has really touched a nerve with your DH, hasn't it? It sounds very much as if in some way he feels it impugns his masculinity or something for someone else in the house to be having sex.

SpicePumpkin · 22/03/2022 11:53

[quote CheekyMaw]@Calandor
It's not some flatshare is it ? It's his parents' house and his younger siblings are about. Wait until they are out or asleep like normal people ,ffs . They won't explode !
Also don't know about the flatshares you had , the ones I had we actually attempted respect and privacy for ourselves and our flatmates . Kept the noise down, waited until the rest of the flat were asleep or out and viceversa. No one needs to hear them screaming and banging away ffs. In this instance I get what the DH is getting at; young toddlers asleep. They may not know what is going on but kids soon suss stuff out and what if the young children walk in on the brother and girlfriend becaause they fear something is up with them ? Do you think that's okay ? He waits to be treated like an adult then behave like one. And no , me and my husband don't shag when my teenage daughter is awake. That's rude and tacky.[/quote]
Oh the hysterics! Screaming and banging away 😂!

Hertsgirl10 · 22/03/2022 11:56

How old was your son when your partner was coming around having sex with you?
Was his morals so high then too?
Did you always go out and have sex where you child wasn’t in the house?

Strange that he has double standards or is it different cos the toddlers are ‘his’ kids?
That’s an issue for you tbh.

What’s the difference with you and him having sex in the house or your son and his partner?

Also why do posters always say - lots of cool mums on here, to the weirdest things?
Only cool mums can see the sense here 😂

So many questions

LynetteScavo · 22/03/2022 12:38

There's nothing more cringy than hearing a bed banging when you're quietly trying to read a book, no matter who it is.

Just have a word with your DS and ask him to make sure it doesn't happen again.

I have in the past stood on the landing and shouted "Stop, just stop, I'm not impressed." It's not something I'd thought through and probably not the best way to treat house guests, but I was tired and they were keeping me awake.

ISpyCobraKai · 22/03/2022 12:43

I heard Dd and her Bf once, it wasn't him I heard and it wasn't the bed either!
I turned the TV up full blast and when she came out to ask why I said it was better than the alternative.
Never heard a thing again.
Them having sex didn't bother me, but I do not wish to hear tyvm.
They've been together five years now and are a lovely young couple.

daisyjgrey · 22/03/2022 14:34

Fucking hell, mountain out of a molehill.

You ignore it, because they weren't exactly screaming and loud or in the middle of the dining table, and if it happens again and does for some reason cause you both u told levels of fury, you quietly stick your head into his room a day or two later and say "a heads up, we can hear you both sometimes at night and it's making your step dad have an aneurysm, tread lightly for a while' or something and then you go about your day.

daisyjgrey · 22/03/2022 14:35

Also your husband sounds like quite the prat.

TheChronicalTales · 22/03/2022 18:13

@superdo

Well now I'm getting all the messages from dh. Saying I need to sort this out, he's not having it in his house with 2 toddlers. He's pays half towards everything so why doesn't he get a say. Her mum and dad don't allow him to stay at hers or go in her room alone so why should we. MHD even said why don't I look for a flat for ds. Beading in mind he's in college and only works 2 days a week! No chance
He sounds like a nasty bully
Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 22/03/2022 18:57

I've had to listen to our 18 year old son having sex next door.
My suggestions;

  1. get ear plugs
  2. tell your DH that he is a knob
  3. for your own sake learn to have sex with toddlers in the house (as clearly you aren't allowed and aren't getting any, which is clearly frustrating you and your knobber of a DH.
Blossom64265 · 22/03/2022 19:09

Note that while the girlfriends parents don’t allow bedroom visits or sleepovers, no one seems to be castigating them.