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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What would you do if you heard ds17 having sex

300 replies

superdo · 21/03/2022 21:56

Just that really. He's been with his girlfriend 3 months, he's 17 (18 in may) she was 18 last month.
She's comes over 4-5 times a week and sometimes stays in a Saturday night.
They sit in his room and watch tv.

I'm in bed next door to ds. I thought I heard the bed quietly banging, then dh messaged me from downstairs saying he'd just heard them having sex, he heard the bed. Obviously he's not happy about it and neither am I.

I've just texted ds didn't want to go in and told him what we heard. He's denied it.

What would you do?

OP posts:
grapewines · 22/03/2022 07:54

I can't believe you texted that. I hope your son manages to move out soon and away from that controlling dick of a man.

AlwaysLatte · 22/03/2022 07:55

@mumofblu

Sorry but I can't stop laughing at the suggestion to find some nice pubs. Not suggesting you get grandma to babysit sleeping toddlers are you . Because shagging while grandmas babysitting is perhaps another thread hahaha .

Haha! I missed that there were younger ones too. LOL at Grandma babysitting Grin

TeaKlaxon · 22/03/2022 07:55

OP you need to decide if you want your DS to have a home or just somewhere you allow him to live.

There is a world of difference - a home is somewhere you are free to do legal and reasonable things that don’t significantly affect others. Somewhere you allow him to live always comes with conditions and is basically just somewhere to sleep.

It is massively sad if your DH’s prudery (and hypocrisy) deprives your DS of a home. But you need to decide if that’s something you’re willing to happen.

In any event he’ll probably be gone in a few years but if he’s been told that DH gets to dictate what he can and can’t do in his home, the impact on relationships will last.

I’d tell DH to do one. He’s your DS and he’s not doing anything wrong. If DH expects him to (a) be celibate; or (b) have sex only outside, then he’s being unreasonable and you should not be going along with it.

RosesAndHellebores · 22/03/2022 07:57

It is a very long time since MNet made me laugh so much I nearly spat tea on the screen - especially before 8am but on a thread about teenage sex my DS always comes before my DH I shall chuckle all day op.

I haven't read the whole thread, however what on earth did you expect if a 17 and 18 year old were spending time in DS's bedroom. A long time ago now but when ds was 17 and had a steady girlfriend we (I in reality) spoke to him and said if she was to stay, then I needed to be reassured that her parents knew where she was and were happy with her staying. And threw in a reminder about safe sex and respect - a conversation that had been had many times before.

Girlfriend disappeared years ago. Her parents still exchange Christmas cards with us.

BellatrixOnABadDay · 22/03/2022 07:57

@superdo

Well now I'm getting all the messages from dh. Saying I need to sort this out, he's not having it in his house with 2 toddlers. He's pays half towards everything so why doesn't he get a say. Her mum and dad don't allow him to stay at hers or go in her room alone so why should we. MHD even said why don't I look for a flat for ds. Beading in mind he's in college and only works 2 days a week! No chance
He does sound controlling and really unpleasant tbh- what's the attraction?!
LetItGoHome · 22/03/2022 07:58

I would tell your husband that if there is a no sex rule in the house then it should apply to everyone under the roof. That includes him!

HaggisBurger · 22/03/2022 08:01

@superdo

Well now I'm getting all the messages from dh. Saying I need to sort this out, he's not having it in his house with 2 toddlers. He's pays half towards everything so why doesn't he get a say. Her mum and dad don't allow him to stay at hers or go in her room alone so why should we. MHD even said why don't I look for a flat for ds. Beading in mind he's in college and only works 2 days a week! No chance
I think he’s using the toddlers as an excuse. Without getting all amateur psychologist - older adult males often feel quite threatened / almost jealous of the sexuality of young men. Perhaps more when they are not their biological kids. Sounds like he was waiting to be able to throw something like this up.

In many ways, it’s a tricky one. Not all parents do allow this at that age. He does have the right to an opinion.

Also - I’d stop using your DH as a front to your DS when you are ALSO not happy about something! Your text could have presented a more United front. Whilst it might be a convenient / easy way to communicate with your DS it’s damaging to his relationship with your DH.

terriblyangryattimes · 22/03/2022 08:03

I'd buy some ear plugs or stick my earphones in and listen to a podcast. He's an adult and you should treat him as one. If he heard YOU having sex would you want him to text you to say so?

Original poster
superdo · 22/03/2022 08:09

I probably shouldn't have sent him a text and just waited till this morning. It was just a heat of the moment action.
Like I said I've just spoke to him and explained and also apologised for texting him. Was just something I wasn't expecting or didn't want to hear when I got in bed.

We generally all have a really good relationship it's just dh doesn't always agree with what I say or allow with ds.
He's quite "old fashioned" with parenting. He likes to think he's the only man of the house and what he says goes but it doesn't happen like that

OP posts:
ssd · 22/03/2022 08:11

Your problem isnt your son its your husband.

SpicePumpkin · 22/03/2022 08:16

So your husband is a bully then.

toomuchlaundry · 22/03/2022 08:18

Your DH sounds awful

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 22/03/2022 08:18

@Susu49

Well...presumably you and your DH have had sex while DS has been in the next room?

Why's it different?

Because I imagine that the OP and her DH have been quiet?
iamsoreadyforbednow · 22/03/2022 08:19

So, you want your son and his girlfriend to schedule their sex life around you? How do you plan do do that, all have co-ordinating diaries?

Or do you often think while in the moment “let’s stop now and continue this in 2 hours when everyone gone to bed and are asleep” Confused

I wish the ‘disaster strikes again my legally aged offspring has sex’ stigma would die already.

beachcitygirl · 22/03/2022 08:25

How did you conceive
A) toddler 1
B) toddler 2

Were the other kids in the house? Shock horror.
Or did you go out elsewhere to have sex?

Tell your dick of a husband to get a grip and give yourself a shake. Jeezo

SpiderVersed · 22/03/2022 08:26

Your DH is a controlling arse.

Lalliella · 22/03/2022 08:30

He likes to think he's the only man of the house and what he says goes but it doesn't happen like that

Control freak alert. Is he like this with you too? You have a DH problem not a DS problem.

Twinsmummy1812 · 22/03/2022 08:31

You let her stay over, what did you think was going to happen?!

starsss · 22/03/2022 08:32

so your DH didnt have sex as a teenager? and you and him do not have sex?

I get it cant be nice to hear but it doesnt sound like they were shrieking and yee hawing, the bed was heard a bit and looking at the time you posted it's not even like you were all downstairs having a family lunch and they were going for it.

I would of hated being 17 living with someone like your DH.

OrlandointheWilderness · 22/03/2022 08:33

Eh? His gf is an adult, he very nearly is and you expect them to not have sex in his home?!?
The toddler thing is a complete red herring, unless you never have sex in that house with any of your children present!
Bonkers. Nothing wrong with 2 people in a relationship having sex. Put some music on.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 22/03/2022 08:35

@ThenAgainMaybeIWont

lol. So many 'cool mums' on here

I have two teens. They would immediately be told to just bloody stop and I'd be very clear that I didn't want to hear them having sex again.

This ‘cool mums’ jibe always pisses me off. The implication is that we all deep down agree with the poster, but we’re not admitting it. So this isn’t a contribution to the discussion - it’s just a playground snark. “I’m right and you know it. Turn round, touch the ground and no returns.”

You know, it is possible for people to hold different views to yours, to run their lives differently to yours, to apply parenting differently to you for exactly the same reasons as you do what you do - that is, they’ve thought about it and made decisions about what is reasonable and responsible and loving and right.

Which, incidentally, is a very cool thing to do. You’ve done it You’ve made those decisions. You’re a cool mum.

Lovemusic33 · 22/03/2022 08:37

Where is he supposed to have sex?

Maybe make sure he gets some alone time with her occasionally so he doesn’t have to do it when your in the house 🤣

When I was 18 my BF moved in with me and my parents, they couldn’t really expect us not to have sex whilst the were in the house. And TBF I had spent many years having to hear my parents having sex 🤢.

OrlandointheWilderness · 22/03/2022 08:39

God your husband sounds like a dick.

IamMydaughtersMum · 22/03/2022 08:45

@superdo

I know he's doing nothing illegal I just think it's a bit disrespectful when he knows I'm the next room.

So your telling me you wouldn't mind hearing your son have sex on the room next to you!

I'd rather they do it in the safety of my home with adequate contraception tbh
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 22/03/2022 08:46

I'd ask him to keep it down without specifically mentioning sex.