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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 year old daughter moved out

158 replies

Doodles14 · 18/03/2022 16:15

Hi there

My 14 year old daughter has moved out last week cos I grounded her, she has met her dad for the first time last Thursday and moved in with him and his fiancé that she’s never met on the Friday, due to the fact he has parental rights I can’t do anything, he doesn’t even pay for her. I have been absolutely broken, sometimes she messages me, sometimes she doesn’t. Any ideas on how I should play this? She now has covid so will be isolating with 2 people that she doesn’t really know 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Doodles14 · 18/03/2022 16:15

What should I do

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 18/03/2022 16:18

I am sorry you are going through this, it must be so difficult for you.
In your situation, I would sit back, keep channels of communication open and loving, so if it all goes horribly wrong, she knows she can come home to you.

NoSquirrels · 18/03/2022 16:19

What’s your relationship been like generally?

Original poster
Doodles14 · 18/03/2022 16:21

We are so close, she has had a few issues with her mental health, and she has started to go off the rails, she just cannot handle boundaries.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 18/03/2022 16:21

Does he have parental responsibility?
Have you spoken to him?
How did she get in touch with him?

Original poster
Doodles14 · 18/03/2022 16:22

If I take her phone off her for skipping school she will take an overdose, or self harm. It's almost like she's blackmailing me

OP posts:
Original poster
Doodles14 · 18/03/2022 16:24

Was all done through social work, I called a social worker as she's been getting up to all sorts for advice, and they recommended to contact her dad which my daughter agreed to, I wasn't keen as didn't feel she was emotionally ready. I have been in touch with him, sometimes he replies sometimes he doesn't

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 18/03/2022 16:25

I agree, keep the lines of communication open. Im going to guess that she'll be having a great time with her dad right now but that will soon change if/when she starts to go out of control and her dad or his partner clamp down....i doubt they will want an unruly teenager in their lives when you consider he hasnt taken any interest in her life so far.

Original poster
Doodles14 · 18/03/2022 16:26

Thank you, I hope so. I have let her know my heart and home is always here, he's been letting her run riot this week so now she has to stay in, not sure what will happen. Thanks guys x

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 18/03/2022 16:26

Call social services and get a plan in place if they're aware of him having contact but them having previously had no relationship

Original poster
Doodles14 · 18/03/2022 16:30

Social services are aware but said due to him having parental responsibilities they can do anything

OP posts:
CrazyRatLover · 19/03/2022 15:28

@Doodles14 Hi, I'm in the same position as you. We've had a massive falling out over something my daughter has done. I'm heart broken, and people keep telling me that she'll come back. She says that she doesn't hate me but it feels like she does.
I know exactly how you're feeling Flowers

Original poster
Doodles14 · 19/03/2022 15:45

@CrazyRatLover oh my heart aches for you, it’s just such a horrible feeling isn’t it. In between tough love and begging her to come home. Sending you hugs 😘 xx

OP posts:
CrazyRatLover · 19/03/2022 15:56

@Doodles14 thank you. I'm wondering how I'm going to deal with it if she never comes home. Worst feeling ever. I've given her tough love but not begged yet, it's not been long, the arrangement is that we all have time to calm down. I feel like she's wanting to punish me, it's horrible.

I'm trying to keep busy, are you doing anything to help, does school know?

Original poster
Doodles14 · 19/03/2022 15:58

I hear you!! I feel like I am being punished also, she’s manipulating me, I feel. I haven’t let the school know, but I have a meeting with them about her behaviour next week so will let them know then, I’m trying to hard to take a step back, this is honestly the hardest thing ever. Teenage girls are so hard 😩😩

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 19/03/2022 15:58

What is a friendship group like? Are they running wild?

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 19/03/2022 16:04

Op I would copy her dad in on the email about the meeting and tell him seeing as she's now residing at his and he has parental rights he also needs to be there.

Grit your teeth through it op and at least he will get an eye of what's been happening.

In the meantime as hard as it is I wouldn't message or call for a few days just purely so dd and her circle of self might change her thinking abit.

Some of her behaviour is clearly mental health linked but some of it is being a bolshy 14 year old girl pushing boundaries so it must be really difficult for you but liken it to being in an abusive situation op.

Would you be approaching a partner if they were doing this?
I know when it's a child it's different but the same reasoning applies to a point.

CrazyRatLover · 19/03/2022 16:08

@Doodles14 yep manipulating and controlling! I'm glad that you have a meeting. Yes I'm trying to take a step back so we can have space, but I agree, it's so hard. I've said that she can come home when she's ready and texted her since but I also need to leave her alone too. I've done so much for her.

Original poster
Doodles14 · 19/03/2022 16:15

Thanks guys for all your support, her friendship group ain’t the best, she wants to live in the town, we live in the country, dads in the town. So he will let her run riot. He has blocked all contact so can’t put him in the email 😩😩 as I said before he never pays anything for her, so will hopefully be a wake up call for them both. 🤞🤞

OP posts:
Bluezoo123 · 19/03/2022 16:21

OP I feel for you and went through something similar with my ds a few years ago now. Is your 14yo still able to have the consistency of school and friendship group etc or does the move geographically mean she needs to move schools etc? Hopefully it may be a temporary thing and she will eventually see the light and come back although there's no guarantee on this of course.

My tips would be -
-keep lines of communication open and positive (and do not bad mouth or pass judgment on anything she says of the other house - if anything she says raises safeguarding concerns for you then log everything and discuss with social worker as needed)
-maintain your role as parent - make sure you stay in the loop with school and attend all parents evenings, make sure you're still down as an emergency contact etc. do not pander to any blackmail from her and maintain your previously set boundaries with her
-if you have other children this will effect them in some way so make sure pastoral support is in place for them
-take time to get you in to the best place mentally and physically that you can - take time to exercise, rest, enjoy the outdoors etc.
-and also ignore any negative nelly's - myself and 2 of my friends each went through this with 1 of our dc and I remember I was worried that people would think I was a bad mother, as how bad of a job could I be doing that my child would want to leave and others saying I shouldn't have let ds go. they havent walked in your shoes.
-try and get a regular visitation schedule in place - even if it is just having dd round for dinner once a week - just maintaining regular non-pressured contact if you can is soooo important.
-sounds like ss opening the line of communication to your dd played a massive part in your dd's decision - teenagers like to push boundaries and if you are all your ds has ever really known now to have the option to spend time with 'fun dad' sounds exciting and rebellious but in time she/and they will learn that it's not all fun parenting a teenager.
This is not a rejection of you no matter how much it may feel like it!
Sending you an unmumsnetty hug and I wish you all the best. For what it's worth, in all 3 cases I mentioned above each of our dc eventually came back, ranging from taking 6 months to a couple of years.

Original poster
Doodles14 · 19/03/2022 16:28

@Bluezoo123 wow, thank you, I needed to hear that. Yes she’s only 5 miles from me and she needs to travel that to go to school, so now the school is just round the corner, I am hoping the novelty will wear off. She was slagging his new partner on fb, and then met her the day before she moved in, so can’t be easy for them, suddenly having this feral teenager living with them xx

OP posts:
Frigginintheriggin · 19/03/2022 16:29

My teen did this. Her father was miles away!
She came back within 2 weeks because it was awful.
Hopefully your dd will see the grass isn't always greener.
I highly doubt your exs gf is going to put up with a stroppy teenager for long.
She knows you love her, but just keep letting her know.

crosbystillsandmash · 19/03/2022 16:36

Do you think your ex will ask you for maintenance? You may need to brace yourself for this.
Sorry to hear what you're going through, it must be so hard, hopefully she'll see sense and return home soon Thanks

moose62 · 19/03/2022 16:42

My niece was like this, suddenly hated her mother and went off the rails. Turns out she was undiagnosed with bipolar. It took a long time and heartache but all is well now. Just let her be for now and hope that her father either can't handle her or she gets bored of them and your relationship gets back on track.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/03/2022 16:44

That post from Bluezoo was stellar. Sorry I don’t have any advice. My dd is about the same age. Flowers