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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 year old daughter moved out

158 replies

Doodles14 · 18/03/2022 16:15

Hi there

My 14 year old daughter has moved out last week cos I grounded her, she has met her dad for the first time last Thursday and moved in with him and his fiancé that she’s never met on the Friday, due to the fact he has parental rights I can’t do anything, he doesn’t even pay for her. I have been absolutely broken, sometimes she messages me, sometimes she doesn’t. Any ideas on how I should play this? She now has covid so will be isolating with 2 people that she doesn’t really know 😢

OP posts:
implantreplace · 21/03/2022 13:21

What was the original issue that led to the grounding?

Original poster
Doodles14 · 21/03/2022 13:32

Meeting was awful. My daughter or her father didn’t appear, she has been causing mayhem at school, so I have no cut her phone off. For him having her last week she only went to school twice and skived the rest of the time 😩

OP posts:
maddy68 · 21/03/2022 13:36

Just wait .....

Just keep communication open and say I'd she wants to come back at any point she can

Don't judge don't shout

Maybe a grandparent can be a go between?

ivykaty44 · 21/03/2022 13:43

If I take her phone off her for skipping school she will take an overdose, or self harm. It's almost like she's blackmailing me

its not almost it is blackmail and its very manipulative

Its really hard to be in this type of situation but you need to set boundaries.

Id text probably twice a week - not more and if she doesn't reply then leave it for 3 days before texting again

moving away as she can't have her own way at home shows she trusts you, but is really pushing the boundaries - don't be a push over

Go and live your life and have some freedom

Original poster
Doodles14 · 21/03/2022 14:13

@ivykaty44 thank you!! I really needed to hear that, just getting abuse from her now for cutting her phone off, but she’s can’t get away with treating me and the school the way she is xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Doodles14 · 21/03/2022 14:52

What led to the grounding was that she skipped school that week so I grounded her, also with regards to her mental health issues, is she was that bad surely they wouldn’t allow her to move in with strangers. She likes to manipulate me a lot, and the school.

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Billybagpuss · 21/03/2022 15:12

Is there any way you can provide her with a basic, zero internet phone so she can still be in touch with you? How is she in contact with you for the abuse with cutting the phone off.?

I can’t see her dad providing her with a phone from what you’ve said.

CrazyRatLover · 21/03/2022 15:18

I'm sorry that they didn't turn up on zoom and that you've had to resort to cutting her phone off. I've been in two minds myself and warned her. If she was to do anything further I was going to put parental controls on (using the account, does she have a contract or PAYG?). When I looked into it, it would restrict her using social media but she'd still be able to use it for calls, which is important with what's going on at the moment.

Original poster
Doodles14 · 21/03/2022 15:22

She can use her phone for internet when she’s at his house, so can contact me. I need to have some sort of boundaries, the school have literally had enough of her. If she wants I can get her a pay as you go SIM card or maybe her dad could

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 21/03/2022 15:26

@Doodles14

She can use her phone for internet when she’s at his house, so can contact me. I need to have some sort of boundaries, the school have literally had enough of her. If she wants I can get her a pay as you go SIM card or maybe her dad could
It’s a fine line to tread, technically if she lives with him, it should be his expense. But you are having to navigate wanting her back and not pushing her away further.
ivykaty44 · 21/03/2022 15:29

Doodles14

no don't get a pay as you go sim or phone

sit backa dn have a rest - your foolish ex has taken her in. What he should have done was support you in parenting but instead has been her knight in shining armour

So for now enjoy having less stress and chill out a bit. Do you have other dc?

Original poster
Doodles14 · 21/03/2022 15:31

It was a hard decision, but I’m literally paying £50 a month for her phone, she’s not going to school, manipulates me, I don’t know what else to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doodles14 · 21/03/2022 15:31

@ivykaty44 that m you so much for the support 😘 yes I have 2 other children, both boys and so much easier 🤣 xx

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 21/03/2022 15:59

Id suggest giving the boys your attention, I bet they have been pushed to the back of the queue for a bit. It'll be nice to go and do stress free things with them and they will appreciate your time and attention.

Stop worrying about dd, she is safe with her father (she could have run away)

dd is not doing drugs, run of with a man twice her age etc

so let your ex be the stopping point for the school and her behaviour

if school ring say, dd is living with ex and you really need to call him first and then he can relay stuff to me as im not fully in the picture

believe me your dd will come back to you and it may take a few months, but it will happen.

Ozanj · 21/03/2022 16:04

She’s living with your ex, so make sure the school knows. It will look extremely bad on him that he hasn’t updated her records & may warrant a meeting with the school. But that’s his problem and I bet when she gets made responsible for parenting he will, himself, drop her back to yours like the arsehole he is.

Original poster
Doodles14 · 22/03/2022 12:26

So the big meeting today, and he won’t attend cos I am there, so how on earth are we meant to co parent 😢 daughter messaging me telling me I am pathetic and just drain her. Is it too early for gin 😭

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 22/03/2022 13:05

@Doodles14

So the big meeting today, and he won’t attend cos I am there, so how on earth are we meant to co parent 😢 daughter messaging me telling me I am pathetic and just drain her. Is it too early for gin 😭
Call his bluff, message him and say ‘ok as you are now the resident parent I’ll stay home and you can go, let me know how it goes’

Let the school know what’s going on and ask for feedback.

As for DD try and keep your messages about how she is, what’s she’s been up to rather than trying to ‘parent’ her at the moment. Not saying parenting does t need to happen it obviously does but she needs a safe outlet for everything she’s dealing with and I’m sure she doesn’t open up to her df having only reconciled with him for less than a week.

I really feel for you, 💐

ivykaty44 · 22/03/2022 13:46

I’d message back

Certainly don’t mean to be draining you, best if I take a step back so that stops happening. You know where I am and are always welcome. I’ll let you and your dad sort out the meeting at school as you’re living with him - hope all goes well

Then do take a step back and concentrate on your boys.

Your ds is looking for drama, let her look elsewhere

Lunificent · 22/03/2022 13:58

@ivykaty44

I’d message back

Certainly don’t mean to be draining you, best if I take a step back so that stops happening. You know where I am and are always welcome. I’ll let you and your dad sort out the meeting at school as you’re living with him - hope all goes well

Then do take a step back and concentrate on your boys.

Your ds is looking for drama, let her look elsewhere

Yes. Send this.
Mummyoflittledragon · 22/03/2022 14:25

It sounds as if he’s dripping poison into her ear. Or she’s saying stuff and he’s lapping it up and joining in. I also think that message is a good idea. It lets your dd know you’re around. But that you’re not going to be there to prop her up when she’s ganging up on you / being really unkind.

It’s too early for gin, think and it will make you tearful. Watch some Kevin and Perry. Smile

CrazyRatLover · 22/03/2022 18:03

I agree to get him to do the meeting on his own, and you have a break from the parenting and communicating for a while. Don't message each other for a while now.
I totally understand your frustration, and you want things to improve and run smootly again but you all need to stop contact for a bit in order to break the cycle.
Flowers @Doodles14

CrazyRatLover · 23/03/2022 18:11

@Doodles14 how are you today?

Original poster
Doodles14 · 23/03/2022 18:19

@CrazyRatLover hiya, no contact today I’m gonna leave her a few days, I’m ok today, first day I have howled 😢 how are you?! Xx

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CrazyRatLover · 23/03/2022 18:27

Ah, yes good idea. Oh, did you feel better afterwards? Have you spoken to friends and family? It really does help me to do that. I know I feel better after a cry when I've released all that tension.

Original poster
Doodles14 · 23/03/2022 18:42

I meant to say first day I haven’t howled. Yeh I speak to my mum, husband and friends. But so nice to speak to you guys that have been in same situation. Have you heard from your daughter? X

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