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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

14 year old daughter moved out

158 replies

Doodles14 · 18/03/2022 16:15

Hi there

My 14 year old daughter has moved out last week cos I grounded her, she has met her dad for the first time last Thursday and moved in with him and his fiancé that she’s never met on the Friday, due to the fact he has parental rights I can’t do anything, he doesn’t even pay for her. I have been absolutely broken, sometimes she messages me, sometimes she doesn’t. Any ideas on how I should play this? She now has covid so will be isolating with 2 people that she doesn’t really know 😢

OP posts:

user1471474462 · 19/03/2022 16:45

A family member did this, exactly this actually. She lived with her dad for a few weeks then he got bored of taking care of her. Initially he was flattered I think, he’s always been an arse.

She now live’s with her mum and they have a good relationship. The mum had to lower expectations a bit, and take the pressure off, but eventually things settled down.

Just tell her your sad she doesn’t want to live with you but you understand, you miss her and worry about her, she is always welcome to come home. When she does you can look at boundaries which feel fair for the both of you.

Something along those lines, worked well in my family!

Original poster

Doodles14 · 19/03/2022 16:50

He can ask for maintenance all he wants, he owes me thousands in CSA arrears ☺️

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Original poster

Doodles14 · 19/03/2022 16:51

Thanks again guys, some really good advice, nice to know I’m not alone in the situation xx

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DesertStorms · 19/03/2022 16:54

I would bet anything she’ll be back very soon with her tail between her legs. Hopefully willing to be more cooperative with you! Just sit tight and try not to worry. Her Dad sounds awful.

Chickychickydodah · 19/03/2022 17:04

Just leave her to it and let the father deal with her. Just keep in touch sayin hope you’re ok etc.
she is trying it on with you.

butterpuffed · 19/03/2022 17:05

Your DD doesn't know her father, doesn't know his fiancee, she's living with two virtual strangers. She's in isolation as well.

Perhaps she thinks it's a case of the grass is greener but I'm sure she'll soon realise what she's missing , and want to come home. I hope so.

msssm · 19/03/2022 17:16

Following this with tears in my eyes. I thought I was the only one.
My daughter hadn't seen her dad for 6 years when she ran to him because she didn't like my rules.
My ex and I had been separated 12 years. I fell out of love and asked him to leave. His bitterness and hate for me because of that has been put on to my daughter and she now doesn't speak to me. It's been 3 years. She left at 15.
No advice but sympathy and understanding. I hope I too may get something from this thread.

Cameleongirl · 19/03/2022 17:25

Sending you 💐, OP. I haven’t personally experienced this, but I will say that 14-15 was also a difficult time for my DD, rebellious behavior, sneaking out with friends, stealing money from us, not doing her best at school, etc. I kept communication open and made sure she knew I loved her-then last year at 16, she seemed to have a light bulb moment and realized we weren’t ogres and that she needed to get herself sorted out. Now she’s doing well at school and has stopped all the questionable behaviour.

So hang in there.💐

Bluezoo123 · 19/03/2022 17:26

@msssm so sorry to hear of your story - my friend's dd did the same as a teenager - she did eventually come back to her mum aged 17 and now sees the parental alienation that her dad was doing against her mum in the time she lived with him so perhaps all is not lost. Sending you hugs x

SandyDays · 19/03/2022 17:32

Please make sure that school are aware of where is now living and with who, providing all contact details you have. You should then ask the school to invite her dad to the meeting next week. He is also now responsible for her, what she gets up to and will need to be part of any plans.
Interestingly, the fiancée is also now a carer ( in educational law) and is also equally responsible for her attendance at school. Although whether you would want her coming to a meeting about your child is another question
Really hope things is just a short term move and she comes back to you

Cameleongirl · 19/03/2022 17:38

You’re absolutely, right, @SandyDays, her Dad can’t just refuse to engage with the school while she’s living under his roof. As you said, he’s responsible for her now.

Original poster

Doodles14 · 19/03/2022 17:46

Yeh he’s an arse, why would anyone want to live with someone who hasn’t bothered for 7 years il struggle to understand, all because I grounded her for skipping school 🙄 I will let the school know of any details I can find out to contact him.

Sending hugs to you all, especially the ones in the same situation, it just feels like a huge kick in the teeth to me and her step dad. I’m struggling to not contact her but trying to leave her be x

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mumofblu · 19/03/2022 18:22

Have read the start of this post only because I'm short of time , forgive me if already been said . SS will know dads address and be able to let the school know so he should be involved . And what kind of man gives a teenage daughter who he's only met shelter without trying to work with her mother . Blocked contact grrrr

Original poster

Doodles14 · 19/03/2022 18:30

Yeh it was social work who gave my daughter his mobile number, this man is just awful, he will be delighted with this. Nobody stopped any contact I just wanted it done slowly, social work told me it would be done supervised that was on the Thursday and then on the Friday she stayed there and I haven’t seen her since 😢

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DesertStorms · 19/03/2022 18:31

Why are social workers involved?

DesertStorms · 19/03/2022 18:31

Is she adopted?

Original poster

Doodles14 · 19/03/2022 18:33

No she’s not adopted, and social work are involved cos I contacted them as she’s been self harming and taking attempts at her own life and asked for help.

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Original poster

Doodles14 · 19/03/2022 18:33

Social work, CAMHS and the school are all involved, all contacted by me, as I was looking for get her help

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Midlifemusings · 19/03/2022 18:41

The teen daughter of a friend did this. She ended up staying at dads for 3 years (until she was 17). My friend really struggled with it as her ex was very manipulative and also played the 'cool' parent. The daughter loved her father's girlfriend as she was young and hip and had zero actual parental responsibilities. She did as she pleased and got into all kinds of trouble. At 17 she came home to my friend as she realized that her life choices (university) were being limited by her life of sleeping in, partying, and letting her grades slide. Anytime my friend tried to set any boundaries, she would just go back to her dads for a bit. It was a very very difficult transition back home and my friend was actually quite glad when she moved out a year later.

Now ten years on, my friend and her daughter are very close and her daughter no longer really speaks to her dad. Her daugher said that part of her reasoning as a teen was that she knew that no matter what she did or where she lived, my friend would always love her, support her and be there to pick up the pieces. She knew she could always come home. On the other hand she was desperate for her father's approval and love and felt she could only get that if she lived with him and was his friend and talked trash against her mom. She thought if she went back to her mom's that her dad would kind of just forget her again and not see her much so she stayed. And obviously as a teen the independence she had there at the time seemed so much better than rules and structure and expectations at her mother's. My friend asked her if there was anything she could have done differently and her daughter said no.

Original poster

Doodles14 · 19/03/2022 18:45

@Midlifemusings that’s quite a story, so glad things worked out with your friend, and hopefully they do for all us mums involved, being a teenager is a horrible time for all concerned, I remember it well.

Thanks for telling me your story, gives me a bit of hope 🤞

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Eightiesfan · 19/03/2022 19:17

Someone who has dodged their parental responsibility both financial and emotional will not be able to cope with a teenage girl going off the rails. His GF will not be happy when the novelty invariably wears off. As PP say keep the channels of communication open and try and arrange some one on one mother daughter time, go for lunch, movies or anything else DD is interested in. This time will give you the opportunity to rebuild your relationship. Worse case scenario, once DF realises just how much money having a teenager costs, he’ll no doubt give her the you’re better off at your mum's speech. But best case scenario, things might improve and DD might end up with another parent which will give you some support (optimistic I know!)

HollowTalk · 20/03/2022 07:54

Try not to get too upset. Try to think of it as having a little holiday from her. It's pretty obvious that her dad is not going to be able to put up with her for very long. If I were you I would restrict messages between you and her to things about what you're doing, what you're watching on TV etc. Take the drama out of the situation. If she complains about her dad just say oh yes he was always like that. Have you been watching XXX on TV? So you're changing the subject and reducing the drama.

Kylereese · 20/03/2022 08:18

Honestly, as hard as it is I bet she’ll be back when she realises the grass isn’t always greener.

CrazyRatLover · 20/03/2022 13:35

@Doodles14 how are you feeling today? I've not been too bad as it's the weekend which is the usual time alone for me, but Monday is looming and I'm starting to feel anxious again.
for you.

Original poster

Doodles14 · 20/03/2022 15:22

@CrazyRatLover I’m ok today, I haven’t heard from my daughter since yesterday but during the day I’m fine, I find nights the worse. Hope you will be ok this week, I am only a message away 😘😘

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