14 year old daughter moved out

[Doodles14]

Hi there

My 14 year old daughter has moved out last week cos I grounded her, she has met her dad for the first time last Thursday and moved in with him and his fiancé that she’s never met on the Friday, due to the fact he has parental rights I can’t do anything, he doesn’t even pay for her. I have been absolutely broken, sometimes she messages me, sometimes she doesn’t. Any ideas on how I should play this? She now has covid so will be isolating with 2 people that she doesn’t really know 😢

I disagree and would not stop all contact with her. Despite her attitude towards you, she needs to know you still care and you stopping any form of contact sends the wrong message. She is 14. A parent staying in contact with a child who is clearly struggling is not allowing her to manipulate you or spoiling her. You can set boundaries about that contact or what it looks like - but the well I am moving on with my life without you but you know where I am if you ever want to contact me is somewhat manipulative on its own. Your daughter is not responsible for your emotional state. She is a teen and teens are developmentally self centered and not overly future oriented when it comes to anticipated outcomes. They live in the now and don't have the life experience to foresee with perspective how their actions are impacting everyone around them.

You are still her parent even if she doesn't live with you and even if she can be difficult and even if she makes choices you don't agree with.

@Midlifemusings no-one has suggested to stop all contact.

@CrazyRatLover

Thank you *@PiperPosey* x

You are welcome CrazyRat Having kids...we all have these dreams and hopes for them. It hurts when they treat us badly. Sometimes it takes them having children to truly understand how devastating and painful their rejection is to us.

I will only hope that one day she wakes up to the fact that the comfort and safety that she must feel at her age can only be found with her mama.

@Midlifemusings

I disagree and would not stop all contact with her. Despite her attitude towards you, she needs to know you still care and you stopping any form of contact sends the wrong message. She is 14. A parent staying in contact with a child who is clearly struggling is not allowing her to manipulate you or spoiling her. You can set boundaries about that contact or what it looks like - but the well I am moving on with my life without you but you know where I am if you ever want to contact me is somewhat manipulative on its own. Your daughter is not responsible for your emotional state. She is a teen and teens are developmentally self centered and not overly future oriented when it comes to anticipated outcomes. They live in the now and don't have the life experience to foresee with perspective how their actions are impacting everyone around them.

You are still her parent even if she doesn't live with you and even if she can be difficult and even if she makes choices you don't agree with.

"I disagree and would not stop all contact with her" ............. Not one person mentioned that she is to stop all contact with her daughter. ......................... "You can set boundaries about that contact or what it looks like"

She has by telling her daughter how much she loves her and the door is always open.

"You are still her parent even if she doesn't live with you and even if she can be difficult and even if she makes choices you don't agree with."

She has no control over her daughter as a parent. The dad has the power at this point. 14 isn't the same as 14 before cell phones and the internet. She is drinking and smoking and not going to school. When she does go to school she is receiving F's.

I have worked with kids who all had probation officers. Many treated their parents as jokes. When the mom stepped up and pleaded with them to stop drinking or smoking or to go to school..etc. the kids would call them suckers.

The moms would break down and cry and the teens would just laugh in their faces.

The mom has given consequences and her daughter has refused to follow them or threaten to harm herself.

I'm not saying the teen will end up like the juveniles I worked with. The mother's hands are tied. The teen is making terrible choices and her dad ( who has been absent all her life) is trying to make up for lost time by permitting her to do whatever she chooses.

An unruly child is defined as a child who doesn't obey parents, teachers or guardians; who is habitually truant; who endangers his
or her own health or morals; or who violates a law.*

In the US a child can be arrested for being incorrigible.
A child is considered incorrigible when the child repeatedly or habitually disobeys the direction of the child's lawful parents, guardians, or legal custodians.

The 14 year old knows she is loved. The mom has repeatedly told her. She also knows that her mother wants her to come home. She has also told her that repeatedly.

So the ball is in the teens court. She knows exactly what she is doing. She is hurting her mom by NOT following mom's rules. Dad
in charge. Daughter's in charge as well as the fiance.

The mom? What leverage does she have as a parent? NONE. That is the reality of the situation as I see them.

@PiperPosey you're lovely! Can I please ask, in what capacity have you worked with teens? You don't have to answer that, but do you mind if I PM you please? I don't want to take over @Doodles14 thread. Could do with some advice/support.

[quote CrazyRatLover]**@PiperPosey* you're lovely! Can I please ask, in what capacity have you worked with teens? You don't have to answer that, but do you mind if I PM you please? I don't want to take over @Doodles14* thread. Could do with some advice/support.[/quote]
Thank you so much what a nice compliment. Of course you can PM me..
I was in charge of pregnant and parenting teens in a residential facility designated for children who were deemed by the court system to be incorrigible.
It was my job to not only supervise these teens ( Ours ranged from 12-18), but to teach child care, self esteem and life skills classes.

I would also have to write monthly assessments regarding my opinion as to what I would recommend to the county and court future placement and goals for the teen.

I would go to court when they finished our placement and make a recommendation as to whether they could keep their baby/child under supervision from County and/or probation officer in charge of the case.
In some cases I would recommend that the child be removed from the mother because of many factors.
Our facility accepted the hardest cases from all over the US.
We had ( since closed) 12 parenting teens and 15 pregnant teens. A full house always.
I worked closely with parents ( if the parents would participate) also to determine which strategy they need to employ to ensure the teen follows the rules of their home once returned.

To each their own. I worked in adolescent mental health for 24 years.

This is a teen whose father hasn't been in her life and then walked in. This is a teen who overdoses and self harms. This is a teen who isn't managing school and doesn't seem to have a connection to a supportive adult at school. This is a teen who only left home less than two weeks ago and has all kinds of conflicted feelings about this dad showing up. This is a teen who is 14 and clearly struggling. The daughter has been in touch - even sending her a Mother's Day message.

The idea that that a parent should tell an angry, difficult 14 year old - that tough - you hurt me and didn't contact me when I wanted you to so I am not contacting you again is certainly a choice. Not the best choice but a choice. She will now know you were only there if she is good and behavious and that your love and support ends with any difficult behaviour. A fairweather mother who shuts her off when the going isn't good. 14 year olds are not adults. They don't think like adults, they don't act like adults. You want her to show you she cares but you are unwilling to even reach out or show her you care unless she only acts in ways that don't hurt your feelings. At the end of the day any parent can make any choice they want. Lots do walk away from their kids - in this case the dad stopped contact for his reasons and now mom has stopped contact for her reasons. This kid hasn't had it easy. Boundaries can be set without rejecting her.

The OP hasn’t walked away. She has made it clear she is always there for her daughter. There is just no point in running after her daughter, pleading and begging. Grovelling and bargaining with her to return home.
It’s up to her daughter to return when she is ready, realising her mother is not just there at her beck and call, to be treated like shit and mop up after her. Her mother deserves respect and she needs to adhere to some sensible rules.
Teaching a child that they can walk all over a parent, demand what they like and behave with no regard for others is not parenting.
It is really hard work bringing up teenagers. They need boundaries. They need to learn that their parents are not just punch bags .
The OP sounds like she is absolutely doing her best. She is not rejecting her daughter or walking away, she’s looking after her own well being and teaching her daughter that she is also an autonomous human being with feelings and needs. Also that actions have consequences.

I never said her mother should grovel or plead or beg or be at her beck and call or let her walk all over her.

I said I do not agree that the choice to say I am not contacting you again is the right one for a parent - even a non custodial parent.

We know that one of the protective factors for a troubled teen is having a caring adult who sticks by them even when they are not easy. Not contacting your child again is not sticking by them.

@AnastasiaRomanov thank you ☺️ This has been the hardest 3 weeks ever, I have told my daughter time and time again my heart and home is always open. I have chased her at the start, but I’m getting no where. It’s so hard. So at the moment I am giving her space, again I messaged her yesterday just to let her know I am here when she’s ready. Honestly this is the hardest thing ever xx

You’re doing the right thing. I really understand how hard it is for you. 💐

@Midlifemusings

I never said her mother should grovel or plead or beg or be at her beck and call or let her walk all over her.

I said I do not agree that the choice to say I am not contacting you again is the right one for a parent - even a non custodial parent.

We know that one of the protective factors for a troubled teen is having a caring adult who sticks by them even when they are not easy. Not contacting your child again is not sticking by them.

She didn’t say that!! She said FOR NOW she is stepping back a bit but is keeping in touch by text.

@Midlifemusings I never said I am not contacting her again, for now I am giving her space

@AnastasiaRomanov 💖💖

@AnastasiaRomanov

The OP hasn’t walked away. She has made it clear she is always there for her daughter. There is just no point in running after her daughter, pleading and begging. Grovelling and bargaining with her to return home. It’s up to her daughter to return when she is ready, realising her mother is not just there at her beck and call, to be treated like shit and mop up after her. Her mother deserves respect and she needs to adhere to some sensible rules. Teaching a child that they can walk all over a parent, demand what they like and behave with no regard for others is not parenting. It is really hard work bringing up teenagers. They need boundaries. They need to learn that their parents are not just punch bags . The OP sounds like she is absolutely doing her best. She is not rejecting her daughter or walking away, she’s looking after her own well being and teaching her daughter that she is also an autonomous human being with feelings and needs. Also that actions have consequences.

I totally agree with you Anastasia.. 100% I was going to respond to @Midlifemusings But you have stated what I would say.

She is clearly misrepresenting OPs case of rejecting her daughter because her "feelings were hurt.." and she is cutting the daughter out of her life and failing her.

"I said I do not agree that the choice to say I am not contacting you again is the right one for a parent - even a non custodial parent."

She never said that she was NOT contacting her again. You are twisting her words.

@AnastasiaRomanov

I was basing it on her comment that she was taking PiperPosey's advice and texting her what PiperPosey told her to text.

That was...."I would advise you to step away... make one last text with her informing her that the door is open...she can reach out to you at anytime to talk. But you won't be contacting her. And that getting her rejection is too painful and that you have to take care of the boys. Love mom."

Her advice was to send one LAST text and then NO LONGER contact her. To step away. To tell the daughter that her feelings are hurt so this is the last text and she won't be contacting her again.

My comments are based on what was written.

As I said, many parents choose to step away and no longer contact their kids. I just disagree that is the right choice or the right message to send to a troubled teen.

@Midlifemusings

Stepping away for a break..
Not for the long term.
The door has always been left open....the teen knows the mother loves her and wants her to come home.

That is a big difference than saying the mother is NO longer contacting the child.

@Boundaries can be set without rejecting her.*
.........................................
The boundaries have been set by the mom...
She is NOT rejecting her.

@ piperposey

You said to step away and that it will be hard but that it has to be the daughter's decision to reunite. Your own words are not about a break but no further contact unless it is initiated by the 14 year old. That the 14 year old needs to grow up and realize how she needs to treat her mother first.

Op has a husband and other kids - she has her nuclear family. The daughter is an outsider to that and for many with a difficult young teen who doesn't feel they fit anywhere - it is easier to just step away and live with your husband and younger kids. Teens want to belong, they push hard partly to test who will still be there when the going gets tough and who will step away.

This isn't an uncommon scenario at all. I have seen it many times. Life is easier and better without the difficult teen who is acting out because they feel like they don't belong anywhere. Could be some trauma in her life as well. Teens act out even more when they feel unwanted. Maybe dad will step up and stick by her, who knows.

Anyways, I am done here. Her daughter is 14. She is a child and OP has parental responsiblities regardless of how ungrateful or difficult her daughter is. Having worked in mental health and seen many parents who feel the same as Piperposey and who stepped away, stopped contact, just wanted the happy new nuclear family without the hassle of the difficult kid who isn't part of that nuclear family, and the impact that had on their young teens...this isn't the thread for me any more.

Having worked in mental health and seen many parents who feel the same as Piperposey and who stepped away, stopped contact, just wanted the happy new nuclear family without the hassle of the difficult kid who isn't part of that nuclear family, and the impact that had on their young teens.
...........................................
You are assuming facts that have NOT been presented.

@Midlifemusings

@ piperposey

You said to step away and that it will be hard but that it has to be the daughter's decision to reunite. Your own words are not about a break but no further contact unless it is initiated by the 14 year old. That the 14 year old needs to grow up and realize how she needs to treat her mother first.

Op has a husband and other kids - she has her nuclear family. The daughter is an outsider to that and for many with a difficult young teen who doesn't feel they fit anywhere - it is easier to just step away and live with your husband and younger kids. Teens want to belong, they push hard partly to test who will still be there when the going gets tough and who will step away.

This isn't an uncommon scenario at all. I have seen it many times. Life is easier and better without the difficult teen who is acting out because they feel like they don't belong anywhere. Could be some trauma in her life as well. Teens act out even more when they feel unwanted. Maybe dad will step up and stick by her, who knows.

Anyways, I am done here. Her daughter is 14. She is a child and OP has parental responsiblities regardless of how ungrateful or difficult her daughter is. Having worked in mental health and seen many parents who feel the same as Piperposey and who stepped away, stopped contact, just wanted the happy new nuclear family without the hassle of the difficult kid who isn't part of that nuclear family, and the impact that had on their young teens...this isn't the thread for me any more.

As Andrew Gold said ...Thank you for being a friend.

I understand all sides, I can and will never turn my back on any of my kids, but I also can’t keep chasing her to come home either. It’s so bloody hard not going to lie. I just everything back to the way it was x

@Doodles14 I hope you're managing to distract yourself a bit, It's really hard isn't it, mine still isn't home.You have my sympathies, I want everything back to normal too desperately, wish we could have our teens back to what they were before they played up! I know they grow up and change and I keep telling myself it's the normal teen pushing boundaries phase!

@CrazyRatLover how are you doing? This is so hard xx

Okay...one day I'm really positive, the next I can feel quite low...today's been a good one though. We've been through so much over the past year. I'm just wanting some breathing space now, nothing to happen for a while. I have to deal with an absolute bellend ex, makes it so much harder.
How are you feeling today? xx

PM'd you xx