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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 year old daughter moved out

158 replies

Doodles14 · 18/03/2022 16:15

Hi there

My 14 year old daughter has moved out last week cos I grounded her, she has met her dad for the first time last Thursday and moved in with him and his fiancé that she’s never met on the Friday, due to the fact he has parental rights I can’t do anything, he doesn’t even pay for her. I have been absolutely broken, sometimes she messages me, sometimes she doesn’t. Any ideas on how I should play this? She now has covid so will be isolating with 2 people that she doesn’t really know 😢

OP posts:
CrazyRatLover · 20/03/2022 15:50

@Doodles14 glad you're okay. Is she okay, did she say much?

Thank you.

Original poster
Doodles14 · 20/03/2022 15:58

Just for “goodnight” that was all 😢 so I just replied goodnight love you… do you get any contact with your daughter?

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 20/03/2022 16:01

Op I would encourage you to seek counselling for yourself. I posted the story about my friend above and she still finds that time of her life very painful. I think she would really have benefited from talking to someone while it was all happening to work through the feelings she had.

Roselilly36 · 20/03/2022 16:07

Similar thing happened to a friend of mine when her DD was around that age. She soon returned home OP. Try not to worry, don’t be held to ransom. All teens think they know best. Don’t argue with her, let her work it out for herself, she will. Sending you a hug.

BlackbirdSingingdeadofnight · 20/03/2022 16:11

@HollowTalk

Try not to get too upset. Try to think of it as having a little holiday from her. It's pretty obvious that her dad is not going to be able to put up with her for very long. If I were you I would restrict messages between you and her to things about what you're doing, what you're watching on TV etc. Take the drama out of the situation. If she complains about her dad just say oh yes he was always like that. Have you been watching XXX on TV? So you're changing the subject and reducing the drama.
Agree with this
uggmum · 20/03/2022 16:13

Just to offer you some support.

My dd had mental health issues which started when she was 15.

It was a rollercoaster. She self harmed, threatened suicide and stayed out with people I thought were inappropriate. It was a nightmare.

But we got through it. It's been a journey but she went to university. Is a functioning adult and we have a lovely relationship. She is also in a stable relationship and is engaged to a lovely man.

She is now 22 and has just got a diagnosis of adhd. Which makes sense of it all now. She feels that she understands her brain now and her progress has been amazing.

So there is a lot of hope. Keep in contact with your DD. These things have a habit of working out

CrazyRatLover · 20/03/2022 16:17

@Doodles14 that's great you're keeping in contact.
I messaged mine in a group chat with her sister yesterday saying about picking up stuff and also about a family member that has died suddenly. Her sister replied but she didn't...that hurt!

Original poster
Doodles14 · 20/03/2022 19:36

@CrazyRatLover it hurts so much when they don’t reply doesn’t it. My daughter reads her messages and replies hours later, so today I haven’t been in touch, it’s so bloody hard though xx

OP posts:
CrazyRatLover · 20/03/2022 19:58

@Doodles14 hopefully she'll make the effort with you tomorrow. I'm going to leave it at least a few days to message again. Just to let her know I'm there.
Hope you manage a decent sleep tonight. xx

ArnoldBee · 20/03/2022 20:10

My step daughter came back to live with us due to a breakdown in the relationship with her mother. As we've always been in her life not such a shock to the system. She is now rebuilding her relationship with her mother and both have said how much happier they both are and how much better her day to day behaviour is. They are both enjoying each other's company now.

CrazyRatLover · 20/03/2022 20:11

@ArnoldBee that's lovely! How long was she away for?

ArnoldBee · 20/03/2022 20:25

It took 2 months before she saw her mum again. Having tried to coax her as she was adamant she wasn't going to see her yet I would say keep messaging her. They read them. Just don't try and win her back as she saw through it. Don't take it personally when they don't reply. Just carry on regardless.

PiperPosey · 20/03/2022 20:29

On the brighter side my daughter left to live with loser of a dad.

A week later she whispered on the phone..."Pick me up please..."
And I did...Apparently dad wouldn't buy her an Iphone either.

CrazyRatLover · 20/03/2022 20:36

@ArnoldBee wow 2 months! I'll keep in contact but I won't beg, I'll leave it to her to decide. I know her dad will encourage her to come home after the agreed time away. Just hurt to hear her say that she wanted to stay there for good!

PiperPosey · 20/03/2022 20:38

I am so sorry that you and others are going through this OP..
I know that you are worried sick especially concerning her mental health... Flowers

ArnoldBee · 20/03/2022 20:54

[quote CrazyRatLover]@ArnoldBee wow 2 months! I'll keep in contact but I won't beg, I'll leave it to her to decide. I know her dad will encourage her to come home after the agreed time away. Just hurt to hear her say that she wanted to stay there for good![/quote]
Yep things had got that bad between them. She spends most the week here now. To be honest I think they had both got in a cycle that needed breaking. Her mother is just relieved it's not everyday now that she's having the battles.

CrazyRatLover · 20/03/2022 21:47

That's good news, sounds like everyone is happier now. Good luck to everyone!

Nat6999 · 20/03/2022 21:49

Ds did the same at that age, he was back before he was 15 after his dad threw him out. Keep your cool & let him catch up some of the money he never paid.

Original poster
Doodles14 · 21/03/2022 07:20

I am loving (I say that loosely) all the replies, makes me realise I am not alone, although gutted so many are or have been in the same situation. There’s a meeting today over zoom regarding my daughters behaviour at school which I have sent a text to my ex a few days ago to let him know and he hasn’t replied so I trust I will be the only person attending… another big meeting tomorrow with CAMHS, social work, school etc, going to be hard seeing her on zoom when I haven’t seen her in in almost 2 weeks x

OP posts:
CrazyRatLover · 21/03/2022 07:30

@Doodles14 hope the zoom goes okay. xx

Original poster
Doodles14 · 21/03/2022 07:32

@CrazyRatLover thank you, have you heard anything from your daughter? Yesterday was the first day I heard nothing x

OP posts:
THisbackwithavengeance · 21/03/2022 07:41

A relative of mine did this at the same age (she's now in her 30s).

Went off to live with her crap Dad and his wife; they were the best thing since sliced bread apparently.

It didn't last long. She was back at her mum's within a year and she and her mum are extremely close now.

I know it's hard and you feel like you have been slapped in the face.

But I would use this time away from her to focus on yourself and regroup. Concentrate on other areas of your life. Naughty teenagers wear you to the ground and you must be knackered. As others have said, keep lines of communication open. See it as a break for you and let's see how Father of the Year will shape up when the first tantrum hits.

Anon778833 · 21/03/2022 07:45

This happened to my friend with her dd who at the time was a similar age. In that case, he wasn’t the most attentive father and the dd soon realised that she’d be better off with her mum and moved back.

CrazyRatLover · 21/03/2022 13:15

@Doodles14 fingers crossed you hear someting. No not heard anything.
Her school account needs topping up, would it be unreasonable for me to ask her dad to top it up for a change?

implantreplace · 21/03/2022 13:18

@Doodles14

If I take her phone off her for skipping school she will take an overdose, or self harm. It's almost like she's blackmailing me
Previous post you said she has “a few issues with mental health” This actually sounds very very serious mental health issues