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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Anyone else with a teen girl who dresses badly? (Frumpy)

251 replies

PatsArrow · 15/03/2022 08:29

I hope this post doesn't make me sound like a complete cow. I will caveat this by saying I love my daughter a huge amount. I think she's funny, clever, kind and a loyal friend.

She's 17. She's never been into 'girl' clothes. She always wore Spider-Man fancy dress rather than Disney Princess when she was little. She always preferred wolves and dragons to fairies etc. She's only ever worn a dress or skirt a few times in her life. She doesn't own a skirt atm.

Now, I don't care about what she wears - if it's 'feminine' or not. However, recently she been upset.
For sixth form she wears such dowdy and frumpy clothes. Badly fitting joggers with 80's style jumpers mainly. She hardly ever wears make-up. She has fairly large boobs and she tries to squash them down in a sports bra but this just makes them looks like they're in a flat bag. She's started to get upset and complaining to me about how ugly and fat she looks when someone has caught her on camera (she hates her photo taken).

I find this incredibly upsetting. She has a very womanly figure, small waist, big boobs and big hips - a much more different shape to her friends. If she's going out to a party, she can make herself look amazing - she puts on more fitted clothes and a small amount of make-up.
I've always told her she's beautiful. I've always tried to champion her in whatever she feels like wearing. I just feel like she's a bit lost. It's like she wants to exude confidence but thinks hiding away in an over-sized hoodie will do it.

In that past I've taken her shopping (she hates shopping) and have spent lots of money on nicer clothes that at the time she's enthused about. However they're never worn and end up at the back of the wardrobe.

At 17, she wants to feel attractive and confident although I know not many are truely confident at 17.

How do I help her without ruining her confidence? Last week she started saying she wanted a breast reduction. I objected but she said I can't object because I had one (I did, aged 45). I said she's too young and she said I'd told her I wished I'd had it done when I was younger (I did). She says she's saving for one to have when she's over 18.

This is all normal right? It's really upsetting to see the confident, wear-anything little girl she once was really unhappy in her appearance and hiding away in frumpy, badly fitted retro knitwear and joggers.

If anyone has been through this, where do I start? It's really heartbreaking to see her hating on herself.
I said I'd take her shopping on Sat for new bras and a pair of jeans.......

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
raffle · 15/03/2022 08:32

A minimising bra won’t cause that flat bulge you get with a sports bra. So that’s a good start. And any jeans will look better with a jumper than joggers do 👍🏽

crossstitchingnana · 15/03/2022 08:34

Feeling ok about ourselves comes from the mind, not clothes. Buying her clothes may just feed into the idea that her worth comes from how she looks. Build her self-esteem by focussing on her achievements and what she's good at.

HelenWick · 15/03/2022 08:34

I always dressed like this and still do. I was horrendously sexually harassed as a teenager and this was my protection. I said I liked dressing this way etc. I went clubbing, to parties etc all dressed in really baggy jeans/joggers and a massive hoodie. If she seems happy and well in herself and has good hygiene and friends and things she enjoys then please focus on other things. And please don't say 'frumpy' no one says this to men - scruffy maybe, but frumpy has all sorts of misogynistic implications - she is not a 'frump' she is your beautiful daughter - in any clothes.

Movingonup22 · 15/03/2022 08:36

Bravissimo for a proper bra fitting and some nice bras.

Then what about booking a personal stylist appointment at h and m or somewhere like that? I don’t hunk you have to pay but obviously it’s kind of expected you’ll buy some things. You can really specifically tell them what her style is and she can find a few nice comfy outfits!

Original poster
PatsArrow · 15/03/2022 08:38

I've never called her a 'frump' I just didn't know how to describe it.

I do focus on her and her achievements all the time. I champion her constantly. She has friends and is doing well at school. It's just this issue - her appearance that she seems very low about.

OP posts:
Movingonup22 · 15/03/2022 08:38

You could also go to Mac or something for a makeup tutorial and then get a few bits of makeup.

To be VERY clear I don’t think she should
Be trying to change herself to fit some feminine ideal! But she’s not happy with what she is wearing and I’m sure she can find some lovely clothes that ARE her style!!

Rshard · 15/03/2022 08:41

Very much the uniform for girls that age, mine wears this constantly too. I’ve found more expensive joggers are better than cheaper ones, urban outfitters have a brand called lets frans which dd likes. You can use student discount there which helps.

Original poster
PatsArrow · 15/03/2022 08:41

She's a F-cup bra size. Do they make minimiser bras in that size?

OP posts:
Curioushorse · 15/03/2022 08:43

That describes most of the sixth formers in our school.

AtomicBlondeRose · 15/03/2022 08:44

I teach sixth form and loads of the girls dress like this, it's much more the style than dressing in a figure-hugging or "feminine" way. Even those who wear skirts wear hippy style maxi skirts with charity shop jumpers over the top! They don't wear much make up or have very styled hair and there's a lot of boxy jackets and so on. I like it actually! Better than when they were all tottering in on heels and showing acres of cleavage (made me feel cold to look at them...)

mushforbrain · 15/03/2022 08:44

The only thing I would say is in our city all of the uni girls seem to dress this way at the moment - super unflattering clothes and very retro

Movingonup22 · 15/03/2022 08:46

Def proper bra fitting needed! Bravissimo great for that

vamptramp · 15/03/2022 08:47

We all dressed like this when I was in 6th form 20 years ago! Make and female clothes were interchangeable, we all wore huge baggy cords or jeans, and hoodies.

Also had blue hair.

Why does it matter?

Hoppinggreen · 15/03/2022 08:47

As the proud owner of a 17 year old girl I would suggest someone has said something about her boobs and so she’s doing everything she can to hide them. It’s really shite that girls are made to feel like this and no matter how much we tell them to ignore idiots making comments on their appearance they mostly won’t
Could you try and ease her into smarter trackies etc?
Of course she should wear what she wants but if she does want to feel better about her appearance then baby steps is the way to go

Original poster
PatsArrow · 15/03/2022 08:49

Ok. Good to hear it not unusual.

I wouldn't care at all if she wasn't expressing how awful she feels about how she looks. Maybe I just need to learn not to take it in too much and just help her when she asks for something new?

OP posts:
Hathertonhariden · 15/03/2022 08:49

With the best will in the world your plans will just make things worse. Could you try not mentioning her clothes or the way she dresses for a month and take an interest in other aspects of her life? Make sure she knows that you value her as an individual rather than giving her the impression that how she looks is the be all and end all. Your post comes across as if the pressure to conform to your ideal is pretty relentless.

Original poster
PatsArrow · 15/03/2022 08:52

It's not ME telling talking constantly about her clothes, it's HER coming to me and telling me how horrible she looks! I try reassuring her, talking to her, suggesting things.
Sometimes it falls on deaf ears and it's not mentioned, until she brings it up again.

Why are a lot of you determined to think this is all coming from me?

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 15/03/2022 09:00

I have an hour glass shape and big boobs ( also an F cup) and when I was growing up it really, really wasn’t fashionable. It is fashionable now so if she wanted she could really go to town with the whole bodycon look . I understand though that showing your shape isn’t for everyone and if you’ve had comments about your boobs from people there can be a great desire to cover up. I definitely recommend Bravissimo for a bra because wearing the right size and shape really changes the shape and can minimise the look of them if that’s what’s wanted. ( it made me look slimmer). Maybe she’ll continue to want to cover up and maybe she’ll change as she gets older. I know that I sometimes wear less flattering clothes because I want to wear them and they look cool to me rather than being “right” for my shape. There are little tricks that can help style “cool” oversized clothes to make them more flattering for her shape ( like the French tuck) but only if she’s interested in pursuing it.

Darhon · 15/03/2022 09:00

First off use the bra method abs measure here abs get her a couple of decent bras. Neutral colour (this means skin colour not white and one in black) wiring if she will tolerate it, and smooth cups. She can shove these on under anything and it will look loads better immediately.

Then get her to look at Instagram, TikTok, clothes shops for stuff she likes. The baggy, gender neutral 90s look is massively in and loads of girls wear it now - she may prefer a ‘cool vibe’ to a ‘done’ vibe. Asos is great for dupes and you can order loads and send it back once she has tried stuff.

Also if she wants a hair cut - get her one.

I think she just wants a bit of support to find her style and groove. Most teens go through this stage, it’s completely normal. Whatever she chooses though, say she looks nice.

Divebar2021 · 15/03/2022 09:01

What about a haircut - would that give her a boost?

EveryCloudIsGrey · 15/03/2022 09:02

Op, ignore the posts trying to blame you! You sound a lovely supportive Mum. I've two daughters and I'd sometimes be lost about how to help them with their worries.
The big boobs is tricky. I can understand her wanting a reduction. That not an unreasonable thought. I tried to never dismiss my kids worries so if one of mine said they were feeling ugly or something I'd try not to fire back a quick dismissive 'don't be silly - you are beautiful' It's so, so tricky. It's frustrating not being able to fix their problems.
Has she mentioned wanting to lose weight? Is that something you could help her with.

Firstshoes · 15/03/2022 09:04

My dd (16) wears clothes like this. Charity old man style jumpers with super baggy ripped jeans and DM style boots. I think it's just the style. She has just bought a pretty feminine prom dress tho !Grin

Original poster
PatsArrow · 15/03/2022 09:07

She used to play netball and go running but she's slowly stopped that as she s self-conscious about the large boobs. Even with a hood sports bra.

I do know how she feels. I had a breast reduction myself and spent most of my life crippled by them (physically and emotionally). I'm just upset that she feels the same way I guess :(

OP posts:
Original poster
PatsArrow · 15/03/2022 09:09

@Firstshoes

My dd (16) wears clothes like this. Charity old man style jumpers with super baggy ripped jeans and DM style boots. I think it's just the style. She has just bought a pretty feminine prom dress tho !Grin
She was thinking about a dress for Y11 prom and wear DM's with it (I used to do this too) but Of course that never happened because of covid. Her confidence seems to have nose-dived even further since then.
OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 15/03/2022 09:11

As someone else suggested people will have made horrible comments about her boobs and she doesn’t feel confident enough to wear tight fitting clothes. I was exactly the same as a teenager.
As she hates going shopping then start by asking her if she wants to go online, buy lots of different styles and try them on at home. Just gently suggest she tries different things. Also darker colours on top minimise the size of your boobs.

Even if it takes her months to find things that make her feel happier then it’s worth it!