Anyone else with a teen girl who dresses badly? (Frumpy)

[PatsArrow]

I hope this post doesn't make me sound like a complete cow. I will caveat this by saying I love my daughter a huge amount. I think she's funny, clever, kind and a loyal friend.

She's 17. She's never been into 'girl' clothes. She always wore Spider-Man fancy dress rather than Disney Princess when she was little. She always preferred wolves and dragons to fairies etc. She's only ever worn a dress or skirt a few times in her life. She doesn't own a skirt atm.

Now, I don't care about what she wears - if it's 'feminine' or not. However, recently she been upset.
For sixth form she wears such dowdy and frumpy clothes. Badly fitting joggers with 80's style jumpers mainly. She hardly ever wears make-up. She has fairly large boobs and she tries to squash them down in a sports bra but this just makes them looks like they're in a flat bag. She's started to get upset and complaining to me about how ugly and fat she looks when someone has caught her on camera (she hates her photo taken).

I find this incredibly upsetting. She has a very womanly figure, small waist, big boobs and big hips - a much more different shape to her friends. If she's going out to a party, she can make herself look amazing - she puts on more fitted clothes and a small amount of make-up.
I've always told her she's beautiful. I've always tried to champion her in whatever she feels like wearing. I just feel like she's a bit lost. It's like she wants to exude confidence but thinks hiding away in an over-sized hoodie will do it.

In that past I've taken her shopping (she hates shopping) and have spent lots of money on nicer clothes that at the time she's enthused about. However they're never worn and end up at the back of the wardrobe.

At 17, she wants to feel attractive and confident although I know not many are truely confident at 17.

How do I help her without ruining her confidence? Last week she started saying she wanted a breast reduction. I objected but she said I can't object because I had one (I did, aged 45). I said she's too young and she said I'd told her I wished I'd had it done when I was younger (I did). She says she's saving for one to have when she's over 18.

This is all normal right? It's really upsetting to see the confident, wear-anything little girl she once was really unhappy in her appearance and hiding away in frumpy, badly fitted retro knitwear and joggers.

If anyone has been through this, where do I start? It's really heartbreaking to see her hating on herself.
I said I'd take her shopping on Sat for new bras and a pair of jeans.......

And F cup is not especially large these days ... average size is 36DD but many fitters think 34E is the average as most people still buy with the backs to large rather than going down a band size and up a cup.

DD1 doesnt like to go shopping with me - but she'll happpy to look on-line so I do have an idea of wat she does and doesn't like - so I can then pick things up as and when I see them - though I don't always get it right I can check before buying.

Though increasingly she like making her own clothes - so it's basics then fabrics and patterns.

Unless you have been there with the boobs then you have no understanding of how this feels. At a younger age I loved them but as I got older I hated them - especially after pregnancy . I recall telling the surgeon I just wanted to look "normal". Until I had my reduction aged 40 I wore boring sports bras all the time to minimise them ( except when I liked having them when early 20s). Many people afterwards said " you hid them well" . Like my Mother and Grandmother I had inherited this shape and as you age it gets very "matronly" ( no doubt a bad word here too). In fact it was that very word ( used by an Aunt of mine to describe me) that inspired me to have mine. It is one of the best things I have ever done. My boobs are still great now and are still pretty much where the surgeon left them. You haven't mentioned her size - is she big all over? A weight loss will of course reduce them somewhat. Is she out of proportion ? As regards the clothes that sounds like the uniform of the local Sixth Form College as they pour out. All you can do is support her. She is lucky she has you - my Mum would have told me to be grateful for what I have.

I'd recommend reading some things by Phillippa Perry - she's great at understanding that teens need empathy and not necessarily anyone to fix it for them. Just listen and be there for her. It's tough being 17. This was me at 17, i also slouched around in joggers. My mum just gave me unfailing love & as far as she was concerned there was absolutely nothing to change or fix - I was just perfect and she envied me my youth and good looks. I found my confidence when I went off to uni.

@2022HereWeCome

And FFS do not take her to do her 'colours' - this is nothing a teenager will want to do ...

@2022HereWeCome - a family friend gave me a book on colours when I was 18/19. I was vaguely interested but it was a bit complex.

I think @DomesticatedZombie post is great. I love ''hold the silence'

At that age with big boobs it was just tricky to know who I wanted to look like. Big boobed women where always portrayed in a slutty way.

How about discussing who in the media she thinks look amazing, if that is loads of tall, skinny, no boob women then that is gonna be tricky for her.

Find some big boobed women who are female icons for that they have achieved. Discuss their look, can it be emulated?

I might get flamed for this but maybe a breast reduction is something to start considering? A friend of mine had one at 18 and her confidence soared.

I have a 17 year old DD who wears very similar. In fact the highlight of her weekend is going to charity shops looking for (and I quote) old lady jumpers!

Don’t focus on the make up too much. I am 36 and don’t wear it-can’t stand the stuff. Some women just don’t want to wear it.

Mom jeans from primark are also a huge factor in my daughters wardrobe. Big and baggy. I think it’s just the current trend.

I suspect a well fitting bra will do wonders for her.

@ChickenStripper - I have large breasts that got even larger after pregnancy and now droop. and I don't give a shit about them, other than to make sure I wear a supportive bra when exercising. I wouldn't dream of going for surgery unless I had chronic back pain that couldn't be fixed by posture and exercise

Joe Browns online have some lovely leisurewear in their range. The Outlet section has some on sale. Soft, comfortable & looks nice. Suit most ages.
I've just treated myself!
Hope you & your dd have a nice shopping trip & she can get a confidence boost & feel happy with what she's wearing.

DD has a similar shape, we got her fitted for some nice bras in M&S. (not Bravissimo as that was scary for her, too intimidating I think) and they've given her a totally different shape she's comfortable with. We also found her clothes in M&S to supplement ones from Urban Outfitters as places like Top Shop & Zara just don't work with boobs or curves. We got her t-shirts in womens but a size larger than I'd wear if I were her so they didn't cling but they weren't as oversized as others . And trousers to fit.

Also plan to get her some Levi's when she wants them. Find her favourite shape, then she has them.

Also - I know a teen who's now 24 but when she was younger she was tall and slim but with definite boobs - think at least a F cup.

One of her DM's friends took her bra shopping.

Now she looks just a normal 24 year old - in one photo I saw of her with a crop top/bandeau showing a lot of boob (think that's the fashion these days) but when she was a teenager I know she worried about her breasts as they were bigger than some of her friends.

[quote 2022HereWeCome]@ChickenStripper - I have large breasts that got even larger after pregnancy and now droop. and I don't give a shit about them, other than to make sure I wear a supportive bra when exercising. I wouldn't dream of going for surgery unless I had chronic back pain that couldn't be fixed by posture and exercise[/quote]
Everyone is different.

Wow this thread could have been written about me. I definitely dressed that way when I was younger, then I’d get upset if I saw a photo of myself.

What helped me was a mixture of my mum taking me to get my ‘colours done’. The woman there held up lots of different coloured cloths to my face and decided which suited me, as well as giving me style tips on what type of jeans, skirts etc I should wear for my body type.
I think also over time I just slowly became more interested in more feminine looking clothes. Honestly I’m still not good at dressing myself and I always secretly wished someone would teach me how, but I know if my mum had tried I would have argued with her.
I was around 20 when I started to really take an interest in not looking like a frump.

It’s a tricky situation but I think if you can keep reassuring her eventually time will fix it. If you can, going to a style day or for colours might also help?

Tell her that IF you had known how to get a properly fitted bra, then you would not have thought the breast reduction was so amazing. And then get her a properly fitted minimiser bra.

@ChickenStripper - I have large breasts that got even larger after pregnancy and now droop. and I don't give a shit about them, other than to make sure I wear a supportive bra when exercising. I wouldn't dream of going for surgery unless I had chronic back pain that couldn't be fixed by posture and exercise

Wait until your in your 50’s. I had crippling backache and neck ache from my 34K boobs.

I had a boob reduction 6 years ago. I’m pain free now. Not everything can be fixed by posture or exercise.

Listen to this. I don’t do beauty because I can’t be bothered, but it blew even my mind.

Ignore it. Unless she specifically asks to do make up with or something. Build up who she is. It’s not about how she looks. Telling everyone they are beautiful is STILL valuing them on how they look. Value what they do instead.

Thanks for all the comments. I'm reading and taking them in.

Re - listening to my daughter. I do. All the time. She tells me huge amounts about herself, how she's feels, her worries etc. even her friends worries. Sometimes it's a big splurge as soon she comes home.

Re - Brest reduction. I had mine at 45. I could hardly hide it. Naturally (as we talk a lot) my dd has asked about it. Do I regret it? Do I wish I'd had it done younger? So I did say that I wished I had. It was the truth. I wish I had, maybe 25 ish? I did go for a consultation at that age but the surgeon was so horrible to me I was put off for years.
I would support her in that if she decided that's what she really wanted. Just not at 17 when she's feeling quite down on herself.

Re - counselling, yes I've had counselling and continue to do so for various reasons. Dd has also had counselling during lockdown due to a bout of anxiety related to lots of different things. Anxiety is much improved.

Dd herself suggested the shopping trip for jeans and a new bra. She orders a lot online but I think she needs to try a lot of jeans on so they fit comfortably.

She has never mentioned that she doesn't want to be a girl/woman and has never questioned her gender identity.

I do, all the time celebrate all her strengths and talents. We're very close.

I'm not sure what else to say. Thanks to everyone saying that they 'baggy style' is very normal. This is fine with me. I just wish dd felt a bit happier in how she looks and feels.

[quote 2022HereWeCome]@ChickenStripper - I have large breasts that got even larger after pregnancy and now droop. and I don't give a shit about them, other than to make sure I wear a supportive bra when exercising. I wouldn't dream of going for surgery unless I had chronic back pain that couldn't be fixed by posture and exercise[/quote]
Well that’s great but not everyone feels the same

I get the impression that if she was happy, you wouldn’t care what she looked like or wore, but she’s not happy. She seems to be wearing clothes that are in fashion at the moment with young people. Of course she wants to wear what all her friends are wearing.

I’d support her in getting a breast reduction.

In that past I've taken her shopping (she hates shopping)

I'm surprised so many posters are suggesting taking the DD shopping as as some kind of bonding experience as the OP has already said her DD hates it.

We point things out when we're out and about around shops and look on-line - and I'll maybe make a special trip if I think we've seen something DD1 will like but need her approval but mostly she has no interest in shopping with me - DS is the same DD2 a bit more open to it - they won't do it with MIL either and aren't keen on doing it with friends. I don't think it's the leisure activity it once was - and on-line is great for getting an idea of what they like.

Just to add. I've known for decades how to get a properly fitted bra.
I personally didn't get my 36HH boobs reduced because I didn't have a good bra.

My boobs are still fairly large (G cup) but are half the weight they were.

This

Dd herself suggested the shopping trip for jeans and a new bra. She orders a lot online but I think she needs to try a lot of jeans on so they fit comfortably.

I do think jeans and bras are better tried on but my DDs hate bra shopping so we manage on-line - though if you can get her to bravissimo shop they are very good.

She needs an easy 'go to' uniform.

Find trousers or leggings that she likes and build from there.

Cropped T-shirt's and jumpers are everywhere but for the large of boob it doesn't always work. Find a length and a neckline she likes and stick to that.

Hoodies and trainers are always a winner if she wants comfy and a bit of a cover up.