Anyone else with a teen girl who dresses badly? (Frumpy)

[PatsArrow]

I hope this post doesn't make me sound like a complete cow. I will caveat this by saying I love my daughter a huge amount. I think she's funny, clever, kind and a loyal friend.

She's 17. She's never been into 'girl' clothes. She always wore Spider-Man fancy dress rather than Disney Princess when she was little. She always preferred wolves and dragons to fairies etc. She's only ever worn a dress or skirt a few times in her life. She doesn't own a skirt atm.

Now, I don't care about what she wears - if it's 'feminine' or not. However, recently she been upset.
For sixth form she wears such dowdy and frumpy clothes. Badly fitting joggers with 80's style jumpers mainly. She hardly ever wears make-up. She has fairly large boobs and she tries to squash them down in a sports bra but this just makes them looks like they're in a flat bag. She's started to get upset and complaining to me about how ugly and fat she looks when someone has caught her on camera (she hates her photo taken).

I find this incredibly upsetting. She has a very womanly figure, small waist, big boobs and big hips - a much more different shape to her friends. If she's going out to a party, she can make herself look amazing - she puts on more fitted clothes and a small amount of make-up.
I've always told her she's beautiful. I've always tried to champion her in whatever she feels like wearing. I just feel like she's a bit lost. It's like she wants to exude confidence but thinks hiding away in an over-sized hoodie will do it.

In that past I've taken her shopping (she hates shopping) and have spent lots of money on nicer clothes that at the time she's enthused about. However they're never worn and end up at the back of the wardrobe.

At 17, she wants to feel attractive and confident although I know not many are truely confident at 17.

How do I help her without ruining her confidence? Last week she started saying she wanted a breast reduction. I objected but she said I can't object because I had one (I did, aged 45). I said she's too young and she said I'd told her I wished I'd had it done when I was younger (I did). She says she's saving for one to have when she's over 18.

This is all normal right? It's really upsetting to see the confident, wear-anything little girl she once was really unhappy in her appearance and hiding away in frumpy, badly fitted retro knitwear and joggers.

If anyone has been through this, where do I start? It's really heartbreaking to see her hating on herself.
I said I'd take her shopping on Sat for new bras and a pair of jeans.......

I wouldn't worry OP - most 17 year olds are not comfortable with the way they look. It is a normal developmental stage and nothing to do with parenting. You don't need to pathologise it. I spend a lot of time photographing 17 and 18 year olds in bands and they are all, male and female, very self depracating and anxious about how they look.

And they all look better than I did at 17. I was into grunge and was a skinny, scruffy female who based their look on Kurt Cobain and skateboarders.

@vamptramp

We all dressed like this when I was in 6th form 20 years ago! Make and female clothes were interchangeable, we all wore huge baggy cords or jeans, and hoodies.

Also had blue hair.

Why does it matter?

Because her dd is clearly unhappy

I think you need to listen to her very seriously about the breast reduction, this is possibly impacting on her more than you realise-not just about how she looks, but how she feels physically-f cup boobs are a lot to carry around.

As others have said, in the meantime look at minimising bras, f cups are precisely what they’re for

She is marking time until she can have the breast reduction. In her shoes I would do the same. Every pound she spends on nicer clothes is a pound less she has for her surgery.

Pay for her breast reduction surgery OP. I think that would be the best you can do for your DD. Her life will be revolutionised and everything else will fall into place after that.

Do you release your post heading about her is negative - but then the writing says you want to help her. I am wondering if she is getting messages from you you think she dresses badly.
One great thing to do which is not a comment on what she wears or her body is to take her to one of those colour consultants. It would be a nice mother daughter activity for you to do together and the consultant showing her what colours make her pop even without makeup will be a tremendous boost to her confidence. And save you money in the long run as you’ll only buy clothes in colours that make her look fabulous.

@PatsArrow

I hated my breast through teenage hood and adulthood really, although I learned to put on a confident 'mask'.

It wasn't until I was 45 I went for the op. My boobs were 36HH by then.

At 50, I'm still not confident in my appearance although my boobs are easier to deal with, Now I'm feeling guilty she's just mimicking me.

Okay. I think this sounds like there is quite a lot going on; both with you and your own self image and your daughter. Have you had some form of counselling, therapy, professional help? Has your daughter?

It sounds to me like your daughter coming to you to complain is actually her way of asking for help. It's good that she's coming to you. You don't need to fix her. You just need to listen. You may find that hard, especially given your own apparent history of discomfort and perhaps lack of self confidence. Active listening may do wonders for both of you. Family counselling sessions may be helpful.

It may be that your daughter just wants to talk, offload, express her feelings to you. So what she needs is perhaps not you to take her shopping or tell her she's gorgeous, whatever. She needs you to listen. This is harder than it sounds! But when she next signals that she has something to share, try:

1. Hold silence. You don't have to respond verbally. You can nod or turn towards her.
2. When she says something, you don't have to respond verbally. You can smile or otherwise let her know you've heard and you're listening.
3. When she sees its safe and that you are listening she may continue and say more.
4. You can reflect back what she's said to show you've heard her. Just gently, 'I can see you're upset' etc, something simple like that can help.
5. This can take time and patience and she may say reckless things she doesnt mean. It's about releasing emotions.
6. You can then perhaps think about positive ways to coach her in self confidence, motivate her, model self confidence, etc. Is there a hobby or an activity you might both enjoy doing together? Could you set aside an hour a week to do this, just the two of you?

How about a bra fitting and maybe getting her colours done? You could even do a photo shoot.

Some suggestions here for connecting:

www.ahaparenting.com/read/parent-teen-relationship

Maybe your DD finds it hard to find a style of clothes she likes so reverts to default joggers and jumper?
My stick thin dd used to wear baggy joggers and jumpers because none of the regular shops (new look, next, river island) have any clothes she likes. We then started looking at alternative /goth/emo clothing online, blue banana, SHEIN and she found her style. So when she’s hanging round the house she is joggers and hoodie and when she goes out she is gothy/emo. Maybe your DD needs to find her niche.

Hi OP I wonder is there any possibility that your daughter is struggling with female identity in some ways? Is that more the point here?

I imagine if she felt like that and then was dealing with boobs and all the other body changes of womanhood it would be a huge struggle.

Having said that I only have boys but have noticed young women and girls in the very shapeless and quite masculine sweatshirts and hoodies with jeans or skirts and can see it’s definitely the look right now. It looks fab at that age.

I was your daughter! For me, the trigger was I developed much quicker than my peers and had a similar shape to your daughter. I got constant comments and was regularly sexualised. It made me feel so self conscious and ashamed of my body.

I grew up with 3 brothers, and my parents had very little money so I couldn't ask my mum to help me find things that would flatter me. Nor would she have known what to do or say either.

It sounds to me like you are doing a great job supporting your daughter through this. I imagine she is just struggling to understand how to feel comfortable in her body. Keep being open to what she needs, talk to her and maybe even ask what she needs from you? Other suggestions like a proper fitting bra are great too. She will find her way!

@PatsArrow your daughter sounds lovely, and so do you. She also sounds as though she has a huge amount going for her.

I agree with a number of posters on here about exercise. If she finds something she enjoys doing, it will give her physical confidence. When I was about 15 I started putting on weight and my mother's attitude was sympathetic but she implied that's how you are and it's impossible to change. Once I left home and started doing more regular exercise, which actually just came about from an activity I enjoyed doing outside, I lost weight but most importantly my happiness and confidence changed dramatically. I also met a whole new group of friends who enjoyed doing the same things. Could you encourage her to do something that's a bit different? Does she like nature, if so, she could join a hiking group? Or you could encourage (and pay) for her to do a course to try something she might enjoy, perhaps tennis, or zumba, or anything she hasn't tried yet. The important thing is for her to realise she's not sentenced to a life of physical awkwardness, she can be fitter and healthier and confidence can come with this. Also, as other posters have suggested, a good bra is imperative!

She doesn't want you to take her shopping for some kind of movie glow up

Please stop talking along the lines of her "making the best of herself" - consciously or unconsciously you are telling her she's not good enough as she is.

OP isn't being aggressive at all. She is being assertive to posters who haven't read her posts properly.

@PatsArrow But It's always the mothers fault isn't it.

I don't mean to sound harsh but to be quite honest, it's most likely that your feelings about your own body have unconsciously trained your daughter to feel how she does about hers. Our kids pick up on what we put out there, even if we think we've hidden it from them. On a subconscious level they know how we feel about pretty much everything we have big feelings about. They pick up on all our tiny little cues that we think nobody notices. That we don't even notice.

My mother has always been someone who is quietly happy with how she looks. She has never been overly consumed with her looks but what she does think about herself very clearly ranges from benign to positive. My dad is pretty much the same, tbh. And I grew up like that. I have a prominent birthmark on my face but I generally see past it. When I think about how I look I think about what I like and rarely dwell on what I don't. And I learned that from my parents. Not through what they ever said to me on the days that I was upset about how I looked but how they lived their lives in terms of how they felt about their own bodies/looks.

The best thing you could do for your DD at this point is probably lead by example. Find a way to take joy in your body. Maybe take up a sport/dance you have always wanted to do. Start strength training. Women with hourglass figures are a mesomorphic body type and we are naturally really strong. When you start thinking about your body in terms of what it can do. Actually, when you stop thinking of your body as something other but realise that you and your body are one. That your body is you and you are your body. And you focus on using your physical self in a way that brings you joy and satisfaction then regardless of how you look, you will come to feel a real satisfaction from that part of yourself. Though in all likelihood, you will also look aesthetically better too. But that's just the bonus to how you are able to make yourself feel and all the things you can do. And if your daughter sees you feel like that, it will be worth so much more than any positive words or new pairs of jeans or style advice.

If she's going out to a party, she can make herself look amazing - she puts on more fitted clothes and a small amount of make-up.
This is interesting. Is it school particularly that makes her feel unconfident about her looks and body?

Overall I agree that this sounds like a normal developmental stage. Keep loving and supporting her (and look for some seriously
good bras!)

Ignore posters who are implying that you are the problem here. You've explained very clearly that you are only responding to what your DD is telling you.

It sounds like she has an idea what kind of style she is aiming for, but is struggling to make it work for her shape, and that is making her feel unhappy about her body. The baggy look is much easier to pull off if you are skinny imo. I would help her look on insta, tiktok or wherever people look for this stuff now to find tips on how to achieve the style she wants with a more curvy figure. Agree that a good bra would be a great place to start, and more expensive track pants will probably be more flattering.

Re. the breast reduction - I think she needs to be heard about this. I agree she is very young, but perhaps she would feel better if you acknowledged that it might well be the right path for her, but that you would like to wait until she is a little older (how old?) before she makes a decision. If she knows that you will support her with the decision when the time is right it might help her relax a little about it now and be patient. You say you wish you had have had the op earlier - when do you think would have been the optimal time for you?

"One great thing to do which is not a comment on what she wears or her body is to take her to one of those colour consultants. It would be a nice mother daughter activity for you to do together and the consultant showing her what colours make her pop even without makeup will be a tremendous boost to her confidence."

Do not do this

Where do you live, OP?

With boobs that size you'd be better off taking her to a shop which specialises in larger cup sizes and having her properly measured.

I think the underwear is the first priority because right now it seems like she's self conscious about her boobs and wants to squash them flat, and is already thinking about surgery. Maybe breast reduction surgery is the right option for her later down the line, maybe it isn't. But she definitely needs to try some properly fitting bras first and see if that changes her perception of her body.

Regarding the rest of her clothes, could you talk to her about how she would like to look? I wouldn't necessarily rush out and buy lots of new things straight away. But perhaps you could look at things like Pinterest together and see if you can identify a particular style that she likes, and see what clothes she could wear which flatter her shape and are in a style that she finds appealing.

Ah OP, the oversized 90s look is fashionable at the moment and it's what is in the shops. I really wouldn't advocate a breast reduction as this can be sorted with a good bra / bra fitting - try a few different places.

I think your DD needs time to work out her style and what suits her, everyone dressed the same at school and college regardless if it suited them or not as there was a great need to fit in.

For me it was going to Uni that enabled me to experiment and see that different things suited different people and that it was OK to have your own style. I would try to encourage your DD to experiment with things she likes. And FWIW my mother hated everything I wore as a teenage and thought it was dowdy, frumpy, unfitted (but that was the point)

Bravissimo for a proper bra fitting and some nice bras.

This - I have to admit I've been on whole glad my DDs haven't been as large as me as early as me.

Having said that DD1 does head of to college in leggins, oversized shirts, sweat shirts - she may wear a denim dress on top. She often also wears a beany hat - last time we went out for a meal she was approached with some inane question and as part of that it turned out group opposte couldn't work out if she was male or female - she told me after or I'd have said somethoing rude to them.

I don't know about you but I do like clothes, even now, I can hide behind - cardigan/ jacket - loose top though often shaped and fitted at slightly at waist - because despite many posters telling me I should be happy with my large breats I'm still uncomfortable about men staring at them and feel more comfortable if I have option of hiding - as it does usually stop the staring.

I'd suggets keep buying a variety of clothes - so they're there for her to experiment with - but maybe second hand and primark to keep costs down - or as PP said soem alternative shops - DD1 likes a lot of the mock victioran ranges. Both DDs will wearing things around the house that perhaps they're not completely comfortable with outside home yet.

And FFS do not take her to do her 'colours' - this is nothing a teenager will want to do ...

This sounds difficult for you both.

The shopping trip is a really good idea. My advice is to keep telling her how amazing she is and recommending clothes. If she tries something on that she looks great in, make it very clear and positive.

She needs to learn to love herself again.

If you can't get to brassimov - there are sites that tell you how to measure correctly - and then www.brastop.com/ is worth a look they have bigger sizes and many styles.

The biggest difference fro me at that age - after I left for University was getting measured correctly and finding underwired bras - I tend to dsilke underwire now but then they were a revelation.

@PatsArrow

I hope this post doesn't make me sound like a complete cow. I will caveat this by saying I love my daughter a huge amount. I think she's funny, clever, kind and a loyal friend.

She's 17. She's never been into 'girl' clothes. She always wore Spider-Man fancy dress rather than Disney Princess when she was little. She always preferred wolves and dragons to fairies etc. She's only ever worn a dress or skirt a few times in her life. She doesn't own a skirt atm.

Now, I don't care about what she wears - if it's 'feminine' or not. However, recently she been upset.
For sixth form she wears such dowdy and frumpy clothes. Badly fitting joggers with 80's style jumpers mainly. She hardly ever wears make-up. She has fairly large boobs and she tries to squash them down in a sports bra but this just makes them looks like they're in a flat bag. She's started to get upset and complaining to me about how ugly and fat she looks when someone has caught her on camera (she hates her photo taken).

I find this incredibly upsetting. She has a very womanly figure, small waist, big boobs and big hips - a much more different shape to her friends. If she's going out to a party, she can make herself look amazing - she puts on more fitted clothes and a small amount of make-up.
I've always told her she's beautiful. I've always tried to champion her in whatever she feels like wearing. I just feel like she's a bit lost. It's like she wants to exude confidence but thinks hiding away in an over-sized hoodie will do it.

In that past I've taken her shopping (she hates shopping) and have spent lots of money on nicer clothes that at the time she's enthused about. However they're never worn and end up at the back of the wardrobe.

At 17, she wants to feel attractive and confident although I know not many are truely confident at 17.

How do I help her without ruining her confidence? Last week she started saying she wanted a breast reduction. I objected but she said I can't object because I had one (I did, aged 45). I said she's too young and she said I'd told her I wished I'd had it done when I was younger (I did). She says she's saving for one to have when she's over 18.

This is all normal right? It's really upsetting to see the confident, wear-anything little girl she once was really unhappy in her appearance and hiding away in frumpy, badly fitted retro knitwear and joggers.

If anyone has been through this, where do I start? It's really heartbreaking to see her hating on herself.
I said I'd take her shopping on Sat for new bras and a pair of jeans.......

Honestly, it's like my own mother wrote this! It's uncanny.

I swear I was your daughter when I was 17. My breasts have always been huge. I have always had a curvy figure. At 17 I was a bit frumpy and overweight and did not feel comfortable in my own skin. I also wanted a reduction as my mum had one too. It also didn't help that my friends where all super tiny and I felt like the larger one out of the group!

It wasn't until I was in my mid twenties I started exercising more (gym, cycling, weight training) and watching what I ate. This made me more confident within myself and I know love my body (although right now, I am 38 weeks pregnant 🤣)

I think you just need to let her figure it out OP(as hard as that may be) My mum would mention my weight/appearance quite a lot and it did affect my confidence eventually. And it made me resent her slightly, even when she thought she was trying to help. It's just hard seeing your daughter be so down on herself.

Any time she talks negatively about her appearance, just keep telling her how beautiful she is and be encouraging. Maybe suggest going for walks or take up a fitness class together?

Hope it goes well! Xx

My dd dresses like this all the time, so do her friends. She’s not interested I make up.

In terms of bras, she needs a side sling balconette. Minimisers are horrible, they just squash everything.

www.pourmoi.co.uk/lingerie/bras/side-support/

Side slings minimise and shape big boobs really we.