Anyone else with a teen girl who dresses badly? (Frumpy)

[PatsArrow]

I hope this post doesn't make me sound like a complete cow. I will caveat this by saying I love my daughter a huge amount. I think she's funny, clever, kind and a loyal friend.

She's 17. She's never been into 'girl' clothes. She always wore Spider-Man fancy dress rather than Disney Princess when she was little. She always preferred wolves and dragons to fairies etc. She's only ever worn a dress or skirt a few times in her life. She doesn't own a skirt atm.

Now, I don't care about what she wears - if it's 'feminine' or not. However, recently she been upset.
For sixth form she wears such dowdy and frumpy clothes. Badly fitting joggers with 80's style jumpers mainly. She hardly ever wears make-up. She has fairly large boobs and she tries to squash them down in a sports bra but this just makes them looks like they're in a flat bag. She's started to get upset and complaining to me about how ugly and fat she looks when someone has caught her on camera (she hates her photo taken).

I find this incredibly upsetting. She has a very womanly figure, small waist, big boobs and big hips - a much more different shape to her friends. If she's going out to a party, she can make herself look amazing - she puts on more fitted clothes and a small amount of make-up.
I've always told her she's beautiful. I've always tried to champion her in whatever she feels like wearing. I just feel like she's a bit lost. It's like she wants to exude confidence but thinks hiding away in an over-sized hoodie will do it.

In that past I've taken her shopping (she hates shopping) and have spent lots of money on nicer clothes that at the time she's enthused about. However they're never worn and end up at the back of the wardrobe.

At 17, she wants to feel attractive and confident although I know not many are truely confident at 17.

How do I help her without ruining her confidence? Last week she started saying she wanted a breast reduction. I objected but she said I can't object because I had one (I did, aged 45). I said she's too young and she said I'd told her I wished I'd had it done when I was younger (I did). She says she's saving for one to have when she's over 18.

This is all normal right? It's really upsetting to see the confident, wear-anything little girl she once was really unhappy in her appearance and hiding away in frumpy, badly fitted retro knitwear and joggers.

If anyone has been through this, where do I start? It's really heartbreaking to see her hating on herself.
I said I'd take her shopping on Sat for new bras and a pair of jeans.......

I think you sound like a lovely mum OP - what sort of mum would not respond in some way to their daughter TELLING them they felt unhappy with their look.

re. her boobs - go into listening mood and then try to bring her back to current practical suggestions. Say yes you can of course have a boob reduction but right now you need a proper set of bras - take her out for the day to a really great bra shop - even with my not so huge boobs it is life changing putting on a non saggy fitted bra!

I used to dress in baggy stuff at her age - to be honest I think so many women wish we could get a bit of support and help in looking nice! I feel that now post covid - I know I could look a lot better than I do!

Firstly - bra - then talk to her about what a huge difference hair and shoes can make - clean/ done hair - bit of make up -

Ask her would she like to start with her top or bottom half and take her shopping for some more fitted trousers or tops.

Shame topshop doesn't exist any more ! But you could also (if you have the cash) try the personal shopper at Peter Jones/ John lewis - I love shopping there as they have lots of brands - not the cheap ones but maybe for one or two things?

Agree about easy to go to uniform - slowly replace stuff - like, focus on the baggy trousers - replace with cropped trousers for summer? Or some nice leggings not the really cheap type.

Would she wear short skirts? I found it an easier way to look a bit smart - trousers have to be well fitted to look smart. Could she swap to short skirts and tights and boots?

Why does it matter? Leave her alone. Let her wear what makes her comfortable. FWIW, I dressed similarly---well, the 90's version of "frumpy", with oversized flannel shirts and baggy jeans or joggers, no makeup, hair "undone." I couldn't be bothered. It drove my parents crazy.

I know OP is concerned about her daughter, but I don't think it is productive to imply that she had no responsibility for her daughter's self image.

If the mother has had a reduction, this is absolutely going to impact on how her daughter sees her own breasts. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have the reduction, but it's extremely naive not to see a connection.

Equally, the mum having surgery, and then admitting she still has body confidence issues. Did no one else see that?!

Again, not her fault, but maybe think about how she uses language, and how she may have presented her own qualms over the years.

Presumably as it gets a bit warmer, the daughter would be finding the hoodie etc a bit warm.. maybe look at some maxi dresses (she might be surprised), and certainly much lighter fabrics in joggers and sweatshirt shaped. You can get joggers in all sorts of fabrics now, even silk, so you might be able to find the exact shapes she finds comfortable, and slightly less obliterating. Equally, once you've got the go ahead from the doctor that her boobs have stopped developing (I think it's about 18?), she should crack on with that.

But remember to tell her that it doesn't solve everything if she has concerns about her body generally.

At least one of you might find counselling useful. Especially with a professional who has experience with body dysmorphia/ teenagers etc.

I think you're doing all the right things around listening and supporting. Some things she just has to work out for herself.
It sounds like she's actually dressing like her peers but lacks self confidence. That's the bit I would try and help her with.
Self confidence comes from a variety of sources - what is she good at? Does she have a job or do any voluntary work? I'm guessing sport might be taking a hit if she's self conscious - maybe look out for some female only gyms/classes. Or maybe something like horse riding/climbing/boxing.
I'd try and get her to do something useful with her time and physical so she uses her body in ways that she doesn't feel embarrassed about.
It's such a tricky time and body confidence is so fragile. Good luck.

I’d also support her in getting a breast reduction.
You’ll probably see the change in her as soon as you suggest looking into it. Most likely she has little enthusiasm for all the other stuff because she has this overwhelming body issue she can’t change. Did you catch the fairly recent episode of teen first dates where one of the girls spoke about how her breast reduction gave her a whole new lease of life? It was quite moving. It was like a dark cloud had been lifted.
The way she dresses sounds quite normal for her age and you sound like a great mum.

As an aside, I know several women who had breast reduction surgery in their 20's. All very pleased that they did. Large breasts can be a nuisance in many ways.

@MrsMariaReynolds

Why does it matter? Leave her alone. Let her wear what makes her comfortable. FWIW, I dressed similarly---well, the 90's version of "frumpy", with oversized flannel shirts and baggy jeans or joggers, no makeup, hair "undone." I couldn't be bothered. It drove my parents crazy.

This would be true if the daughter had not approached her mum for a discussion. It helps to read the OP’s posts!

You sound like a lovely mum, sorry there are always some posters who are mean to the OP.

I think all you can do is keep shopping to try and find clothes that suit her. She doesn’t want figure hugging, fine, but she can still have well fitting jeans and a well-cut flattering bra and jumper, it just might take a while to find stuff perfect for her size. Getting stuff altered by dry cleaner might help eg buy bigger then nip in waist.

I’m sorry she is F cup, that sounds so hard. At her age I was AA cup, I thought my friend’s D cup was huge, I can’t imagine F! (I suspect her confidence will improve once she has a boyfriend, I expect he will be thrilled by the F cup.) Re the reduction I guess talk to her about how this might cause problems with breastfeeding (if it does, I haven’t looked into it).

Being 17 is hard. Hope her confidence improves.

My boobs are still fairly large (G cup) but are half the weight they were.

I looked into breast reduction post DC and bf -as my overall weight then was low - as they are a huge weight and I think do contribute to some back and neck issues - however we didn't have the money and there were many hoops via NHS incuding losing 3 stone and not going down in breast size and then they stopped doing them completey in that area.

So I'm not against it - though I agree at 17 it's a bit early to be thinking that way.

Aww op my heart goes out to her, everyone is beautiful no matter their shape or size or whatever else
Maybe have a little treat day, get a blow dry (isn't overly girly just nice and fresh) just make her feel better when shopping maybe give her that little extra bounce she needs, some comfy jeans- I'm picturing the straight leg ones that go above the anckle are they called mom jeans ? With her jumpers will look lovely
As for the boob thing if it's what she wants an she really doesn't like them that much an thwir causing her issues then just support her, take her the GP an get some advice together. She has a point you did say you wish you had yours done sooner ! I always wanted mine bigger from been really young- thankfully I met my husband and didn't bother as having kids made them bigger but to a nice size so I love them now!
Hope you have a great day Saturday, just be their for her and support what she wants Xx

Have a look at adsa for bras they have large range going up to a g cup.
You can order online and pick them up in local asda for free in a couple of days and can be tried on at home

I think her dismay at her breast size is triggering your own feelings about yours at her age. I went through this with all 3 DDs, reliving the less happy parts of my late teens as they experienced similar issues. It’s perfectly normal. You’re aware of it and you’re doing your best. You’re a good mum.

Having seen my DD’s best friend struggle physically and emotionally with her large and uneven boobs from late teens to 30, and now seeing her utter delight in her reduced boobs, I would actively encourage your DD to save and plan for a reduction sooner rather than later.

@crossstitchingnana

Feeling ok about ourselves comes from the mind, not clothes. Buying her clothes may just feed into the idea that her worth comes from how she looks. Build her self-esteem by focussing on her achievements and what she's good at.

Brilliant advice

PatsArrow

She's a F-cup bra size. Do they make minimiser bras in that size?“

Specialist companies do. Forget M&S, for example, their “fittings” are rubbish.
You’ll be able to find several online like Ample Bossom, Bravissimo, Nicola Jane etc. but you’ll have to be prepared to spend more. Well fitting, supportive bras don’t come cheap but with her build they’re essential to help her posture and prevent future aches and pains.

I really don’t think whether she wants to wear make up or not is any of your concern

It takes a while for teenage girls to get used to their new bodies and also how to dress them.

Equally, teenage girls are sexual dynamite for men and get a disproportionate amount of hassle, partly also because they're young and an easy target. All the more if big boobs are involved.

So apart from a completely valid desire to be comfy and not to dress up for school, she could be protecting herself as best she can from overwhelming attention.

get her a stitch fix or lookiero box - there is space to tell the stylist what you are after so she could ask for things that are modest/her style but to flatter an f cup figure with a waist, or just to try new things - you can put in all your sizes and measurements and set a budget too.

also second minimiser bras. I'm 34J and manage to find some

Haven't read full thread. Other than a reduction, what else has she said would help her feel more positive about herself?

I think treating her to new clothes that she will actually wear and guide her is right.

When I was a teenager I looked great in anything, and so never bothered. My sister had confidence issues and my mum spent a lot of time with her shopping. For some reason I was made to feel like an interest in clothes was frivolous and more for my more beautiful and fashion conscious sister. Which is stupid as the reason I never cared about clothes was because I was a nice looking teenager! Anyway, now as an adult I really struggle with style, and my sister doesn't. I want to look and dress well, to have my own sense of style, but I just don't know how to. Long winded way to say: invest time now helping her if she wants, just like you are, and even if she doesn't change much right now it might help her in 30 years time!

It's very trendy to wear oversized clothes at moment my DD 15 does. Baggy trousers and oversized tops.

But when she goes to a party then they all wear very short tight fitting clothes.

PS you sound like a lovely mum :)

I understand exactly what you are saying, its a shame that many people aren't reading your posts properly. We just want our daughters to feel good about themselves and hold their heads up.
My dd was tall with a figure any adult woman would have been proud of at just 12yo. She started to wear a bit of make up, stylish but age appropriate clothes and then just like that was in the oversized hoodies and joggers. Reading between the lines I think she got unwanted male attention too young and it frightened her. She just went straight from child to child in woman's body.
We are also having the what to wear at the prom dilemma and it will be trousers and flats.
For smart my dd will wear Doc Martens with a nice shirt and well fitting trousers or jeans, for casual its jeans and a hoodie or baggy t. I make sure she has everything she needs for good skincare, her favourite perfumes and that she has the regular haircuts / hair treatments that she likes. This all gives her the confidence she needs. Over all she is more focused on her education than her wardrobe, and really isn't interested in romantic relationships yet, which is great.

I would support her in that if she decided that's what she really wanted. Just not at 17 when she's feeling quite down on herself.

Tell her this if you haven't already. It lets her know you understand.
Assertiveness training and self-defence/martial arts could help her deal with the hassle. (I'm not suggesting she jumps on pervs but knowing that she is able to stand up for herself will help.)

@Badbaddog

I think her dismay at her breast size is triggering your own feelings about yours at her age. I went through this with all 3 DDs, reliving the less happy parts of my late teens as they experienced similar issues. It’s perfectly normal. You’re aware of it and you’re doing your best. You’re a good mum.

Having seen my DD’s best friend struggle physically and emotionally with her large and uneven boobs from late teens to 30, and now seeing her utter delight in her reduced boobs, I would actively encourage your DD to save and plan for a reduction sooner rather than later.

I think this is good advice. I already find my much younger girls triggering my own feelings about my experiences as a girl, and I try to be aware of it so that I can separate out my experience from theirs. Easier said than done! But otherwise I can be projecting my experience on to them, without listening to hear what their unique experience is.

This bit of one of your posts jumped out to me - I do know how she feels. I had a breast reduction myself and spent most of my life crippled by them (physically and emotionally). I'm just upset that she feels the same way I guess

You are honest, and sound a lovely mum, this is no criticism. But I think you’re hoping for her to be able to live with challenges that you know fine well from your own experience, are hard to deal with. It’s so natural as parents we want our children not to suffer and it pains us when they do. But perhaps if you can just stay with what she feels instead of trying to move her/ reassure her out of the feelings (I hear you are listening to her and not doing this all the time). Maybe just having your support and understanding in her feelings is enough. If she asks for advice you can give it, but just agreeing it’s so hard and it’s horrible feeling unattractive, could go a long way.

Breast reduction will cost at least 7k.