So draining living with teenagers!

[hellswelshy]

Is it just me? I have two teen dd's. They are not awful by any means but my god they are sucking the life out of me! Sullen, sour faced, miserable about 90 % of the time, self absorbed etc. It's like living with two people who I do lots for but in turn they are not interested in me, selfish, and almost constantly simmering with dislike for me Example: one of them just got back from school, I called out hi love how's your day? Grunt in reply. Then Can I go out? That's it, no asking me how my day was, face like thunder. HOW MUCH LONGER WILL THIS LAST????

I've just ordered it (for kindle - obviously having an actual book about parenting teenagers lying around would be considered a hate crime by said teenager)

🤞🤞🤞 for you @Feelsliketeenspirit108

I have found even just having somewhere to offload & reassurance that I was actually doing things right & not the crap parent I was made to feel I was helped keep me sane . It was also reassuring to hear that this is actually a sign that they are actually very close & very attached & reliant on us & they hate themselves for that, so take it out on us. This is very true of ours due to significant health problems growing up forcing us to be extremely close. It encouraged me to speak out too, we don't due to shame & not wanting to bad mouth our kids to people they know. Turned out I'm not alone, 3 friends going through or coming out of the other side of it too, which has also helped

I hope you get on top of it all soon, mine is coming through it & she's impressing me a lot with her courage in dealing with difficult people etc, something we never thought we'd see as she has raging anxiety. I realise that she's cut her claws on me, not good, but she is a bloody fierce young woman & I'm proud of that

@RockinHorseShit

🤞🤞🤞 for you *@Feelsliketeenspirit108*

I have found even just having somewhere to offload & reassurance that I was actually doing things right & not the crap parent I was made to feel I was helped keep me sane . It was also reassuring to hear that this is actually a sign that they are actually very close & very attached & reliant on us & they hate themselves for that, so take it out on us. This is very true of ours due to significant health problems growing up forcing us to be extremely close. It encouraged me to speak out too, we don't due to shame & not wanting to bad mouth our kids to people they know. Turned out I'm not alone, 3 friends going through or coming out of the other side of it too, which has also helped

I hope you get on top of it all soon, mine is coming through it & she's impressing me a lot with her courage in dealing with difficult people etc, something we never thought we'd see as she has raging anxiety. I realise that she's cut her claws on me, not good, but she is a bloody fierce young woman & I'm proud of that

That's so good to hear, thank you again RockinHorseShit. I have read about it being extra hard for them to extricate themselves from us when they are reliant on us, and my dd1 also has anxiety. I try and remember that this is really hard for them too, but it wears you down day after day when we feel stressed and constantly "under fire". It can't have been easy for your DD to navigate health issues, not easy for you either, and I am so glad to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel for your both. Thanks again for the support, as you say, there is so little of it out there, and I was at the very end of my tether today

There are some days when everything you say is wrong - even if it's just 'hello'!
Im on my 4th teenager now and while I do pick my battles there is some stuff that I think it's really important to challenge even though you know there's going to be an almighty row, such as making nasty personal remarks about you or outright rudeness when their friends are in the house. I'd have no hesitation in giving one warning and then sending home the friend if my dd did that because it's important for teens to learn their mothers are people too. And that there are some non negotiable standards of behaviour expected. Same with personal attacks.
The stuff I let go is the messy bedroom and general inability to see anyone else's perspective

I would never ever tolerate my dc to belittle or ridicule me in front of their friends. I would never even have dreamed about ridiculing my parents. Is this a generational thing? I was moody, argumentative doors may have been slammed by me out of teenage rage but never would I have disrespected my parents in front of people who are not family, not even in front of my bff at the time. Did posters here ridicule their mum and dad in front of their friends? I also would not have been allowed to leave my room as a pigsty. I was lazy and would resell but I on the whole my room would not be a health hazard. Don't get me wrong, I was a pain in the neck as a teen just wouldn't have disrespected my parents in front of others. I couldn't stand if my dc did this.

Do you have teens @MuppetNet, as I'd guess not unless you are one of the few lucky parents who get through it mostly unscathed

No I wouldn't have dreamed of disrespecting my parents in that way, neither would my friends who have suffered at the hands of their teens too.

Why are teens worse now. I think it's pretty obvious that it's stress. Education is way more full on than it ever was for us, plus we are dealing with Brexit, missing friends who've left because of it, a pandemic & all that that brings, suicides & missing teens in DDs cause & now a war. We are their safe space where they feel safe to let rip at all the hurt, stress & injustice. It's not because we're shit parents that we are dealing with this, it's because our teens know 100% that we are there for them & feel safe letting it all out on us. Not great ofc, but times are friggin hard on teens. Mine nearly had a nervous breakdown over her Alevels & GCSEs & she's very bright & did very well. Gawd knows how tough the current system is on those that struggle

@AngelsWithSilverWings

My two are adopted and exactly the same ages boy 16 girl 13.

DD's issues are also numerous and was adopted as a baby. I think teenage hormones have made it worse but from being about 7 she has gone from school to school being excluded, she is now in a PRU and regularly goes missing and runs away. Last Sunday the police brought her home at 12.30 at night.

I hear your pain!

It's all too easy to say I wouldn't tolerate rudeness or whatever but in reality what are you going to do? Ok, sanctions...no phone, turn off wifi etc but when you've exhausted those, then what? Or if they don't care, then what?

I remember calling my mother a bitch when I was about 11/12. She slapped me incredibly hard across my face. I didn't do it again. But these are different times and we can't discipline kids like that anymore.

I clicked on this because I totally understand the sentiment.

It is emotionally exhausting and draining. Never knowing what mood they will be in in the morning or when they get back from school.

I have 3. The older 2 are almost through the other side and I can say it does get better. Not only that but suddenly you start to see all the work you poured into their lives return.
ds is 19, he grew up MASSIVELY aged 17-18. Now really an adult and such nice young man. When he was chucking stuff round his room in fury at a perfectly reasonable consequence we had put in aged 14 I would not have expected this.

dd1 is 17. She often comes and curls up on the sofa with me now, and we watch something daft like pottery throw down. She was never and angry sulker, but we have been through the emotional mill with her as she struggled.

dd2 is 14 and full on foul teen 90% of the time. Then there is that 10% glimmer, which I hold on to, as the part of her that I see will come out of the other side. Her mental health has been awful and lockdown screwed her up completely, but there a moments when I see the funny lovely girl underneath the thick layer of teenage anxiety.

Hold on in there. They will come through.

and the horrendous lack of resilience and self absorption.
the need to be different, so diagnose yourself as have anxiety, and 25 other things, when most of it is normal teenage stuff.

dd2 ruined ds 18 birthday 2 days running (the actual birthday and the dinner out we had planned.) actually had her 18 year old brother in tears. I found that really really hard to forgive.
Then almost ruined mine a few months later. ds turned to her and let rip, and dared her to be such a brat as to ruin another family birthday. I think hearing it from him rather than from us gave her quite a shock.

I am so tired of walking on eggshells.
So tired of jollying her along to stuff she is supposed to bloody want to do. Furious that she has declared she 'doesn't like' her lovely Granny who has been nothing but wonderful to her.

13 and 14 is the worst time.

I'm not sure where this new level of disrespect comes from. I am nearly sixty and wouldn't have dared called my mother a bitch, not that the word had entered in to general parlance then. I hate it.

I wouldn't have been that disrespectful because I would have been afraid of the consequences ; we would have been hit or shouted at.

So although I think stress does play a part, as does spending a lot of time on-line, mainly I think it is our more libertarian parenting style that is the cause.

I am seen as fairly strict among my dds' peers but I have occasionally been willing to admit a few of my failings to my dc, and admit that I have made a mistake, whereas my parents never ever did that. And they maintained authority that way. My dds on the other hand have occasionally brought up the mistakes that I have admitted to, when we were having a dispute about rules or they have been challenging a curfew or something and whereas I thought it would make me more human to them, and they would see my point of view, they have rather taken advantage tbh, so I have been wary of doing it again! It doesn't help that dh has no authority over them whatsoever and hates confrontation of any sort.

Hi @hellswelshy you are definitely not alone! If it's any comfort this is a very normal part of teenage development. As others have said, they need to prepare for separating from you. The teenage brain undergoes a lot of 'rewiring' with the result of them being very toddler-like. It is very common for teenagers to be selfish and self-absorbed. This does NOT mean you have done anything wrong in raising them or they will go on to become selfish adults, it really is a phase and they come through the other side.

I have 3 dds aged 20, 19 and 15. The oldest was a dream throughout her teen years, I was bracing myself for the worst but she really didn't change much (very unusual and I was lucky). However she did have some mental health problems around 17/18 which caused me a lot of worry.

The middle one had a difficult period from 13-15 ish but she was more unhappy than unpleasant. She is now 19 and at university and feels so much more secure than she did then. She remembers how it felt, hopeless and lost and like she was a horrible person so she created her own narrative. They really do test your unconditional love, they need to know however horrible they are, you still love them.

The youngest? Oh boy! It is currently hell-ish. She was diagnosed with autism at age 11 and that combined with teenage hormones is bloody awful. She is rude, unpleasant, swears, demands everything to be done right now and has little regard for anyone else. She has also created this narrative of being a horrible person and her self esteem drops. Sometimes when I say I love her, she says 'do you really?' (not in a sarcastic tone, she is genuinely surprised). They are in that in-between place of wanting to be independent but also wanting and needing their parents very much still.

I know how to handle her now - I don't initiate much conversation unless she wants it. If she wants a silent car journey so she can sit and think, so be it. She went through a phase a few months ago of not wanting hugs or any physical affection at all. But that's starting to come back now and she'll ask for hugs.

Up till recently I used to get very down about her behaviour. My mood would depend on how she was. But I read an article in The Times recently which prompted me to buy this book -

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1472139011/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01_s00?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8

It's been an eye-opener and I've changed my attitude completely. You know that phrase 'you're only as happy as your unhappiest child'? Bollocks to that. I realised that dd's problems and issues (obviously manifested by her autism) aren't going to go away any time soon and there's no way I'm putting my life on hold till then. I've stopped obsessing about her behaviour and try and distance myself. I've told myself this is how things are now for HER, it WILL get better eventually but in the meantime I have my own life, my husband, other children and work and leisure pursuits. I think it makes it harder on you if you wait for change then you're disappointed that things are still shit. It's also not good for THEM to see their parents anxious and upset about their behaviour.

The books about teenagers mentioned above are good but I really like the book I linked to because it's more about how you react to their behaviour.

OP, as much as you can, leave them to it. Don't ask too many questions, if they want to talk they will initiate it. Be calm and consistent. Tell you you love them. I send my dd WhatsApp messages, cute GIFs etc which she likes. Just to connect to her when she won't talk to me.

Hang in there, as others have said, they do come through it eventually.

The other thing to add is that teens are under so many pressures - school, exams, their changing bodies/hormones, worries about how they look, friendships, social media etc. Sometimes asking them to do seemingly simple things tips them over the edge.

It's bloody hard work, harder than toddlers I think. But at least you can go out and leave them alone!

I jinxed it. Dd13 was vile the moment she stepped in the door. And won’t come out of her bedroom other then for a silent, head down, scooping food into her mouth at the table just now!! Hey ho!

Thanks for the book recommendations - am reading the 'Get out of my life..' one currently!
bendmeoverbackwards thank you - the book looks interesting and most definitely something I need to preserve my own sanity. I consistently get dragged into their woes and dramas and lows, it's not good for me or me & dh's relationship. You are right, I need to prioritise myself whilst supporting them to help themselves.

Strength to you all!

@spacehardware

I've just ordered it (for kindle - obviously having an actual book about parenting teenagers lying around would be considered a hate crime by said teenager)

This made me laugh and reminded me of this

I’m getting so much from this thread. Thank you all and strength and vodka to you all.

@bendmeoverbackwards you are right about teens being harder than toddlers, my boys were a breeze when they were toddlers compared to their teen years.

Just some things which I have found helped over the years.

1. Keep being nice to them. Let much of the language etc flow over, and ignore. Let the storm pass over and round you. Despite that, use words of love to them all the time. Sorry if that sounds a bit wishy washy. It really isn't Every single day I tell them - bye have a good day, love you. as they walk out of the door. Said door is sometimes slammed in return, but that it OK. I choose to say things like - good night darling. Thank you sweetheart, etc etc.

The rule of thumb is say 10 nice things to every 1 bad. They need to know that you care and every neutral comment is seen by them as negative, you have to be more emphatic about the positive things you say.

1. Insist on some family rules, but not too many eg we eat at the table 98% of the time, no phones. Just chit chat about life, the dog, school (or anything but school) what's happening this weekend. Minutiae of life. Veyr grounding and positive and important to get them into normal space. They each have a job - dishwasher, clear table. Occasionally hang/fold washing, keep them going, but don't make it a battle field. Ds got really bad at jobs for a while, he's pretty helpful now.

1. let them be themselves, untidy room, bad taste in music, hideous clothes, disgusting hair style. As far as possible let them do it. Mine dye their hair blue/purple/pink in the school holidays. And then - compliment them on their originality, creativity. Ask them about the weird T shirt and let them know that their attempts at finding their own style are OK.

1. Don't react. (actually this is usually remembered through gritted teeth in the face of the teenage storm) don't react, don't react, don't react. But really, for most of the drama and comments they are venting, and venting at you because you are safe space. Let them vent, listen, be sympathetic, don't react and try not to get involved, don;t try and solve their problems, but support them emotionally.

1. Let them wallow in their teen pit. Their bedroom is theirs, let them wallow, don't insist they are downstairs all the time, or that it is tidy in a way that suits you.

1. Be clear but realistic about expectations - Granny is coming on Saturday, yes you need to come down and say hello and be nice for a bit, no you don't have to stay downstairs all the time she's here.

1. Find things to do together - watch Dr Who, walk dog, make a cake, go to cinema - anything, but not too much or too often, let them chose and go with it (I hate Dr Who, but I can give you way to much information about it)

1. remember that this is part of growing up and so they WILL grow up and through it. Eventually. Hopefully.

I am also finding this thread really comforting/reassuring, especially when people say their kids are out of it. My dd (17) is still in the thick of it (well, it might be ever so slightly less worse (I won't say 'better'), but of course the past behaviour causes residual chaos - in our case re her schoolwork - and there are other sixthformers going haywire and therefore elements of social contagion there). The one point of positive connection is when I tidy her room. Why am I doing it? I ask myself this ALL the time as I would never have advocated it, and in my head I think I shouldn't be doing it. But it's the one thing she says 'thank-you' for and it is my lame attempt to reset the clock. Every time it is tidy, I am hoping she will see the world as a little calmer, more orderly, place in which she can function positively. (DH and I are totally and utterly drained but would probably try anything at this point). I would agree with the person who says teens are all looking for a 'condition' to pin their angst to. It's terrifying. They have given up on camhs (if they get that far) and being told to get more exercise and sleep, and want results sometimes in the form of meds. I keep telling mine that that is for an expert to decide, not her, her mates, or TikTok. We carry on...

@WhatsitallaboutAlfie1. I still clean and tidy my teens bedroom. My family tell me I should leave it if he wants to live like that or make him tidy it. Honestly though I cannot bear the thought of him going to sleep in a messy, dirty room. Makes me upset

[quote Comedycook]@WhatsitallaboutAlfie1. I still clean and tidy my teens bedroom. My family tell me I should leave it if he wants to live like that or make him tidy it. Honestly though I cannot bear the thought of him going to sleep in a messy, dirty room. Makes me upset[/quote]
Ha! I’m the same! I can’t help myself, I can’t bear a mess and I can’t stand him sleeping in one 🤦‍♀️

I got home from work at 7:20. Started putting away shopping and organising food. My delightful 13 y/o had been asleep. She came down and started ranting, but it was hostile ranting - you know they type where you just stay quiet in case they turn on you because you breathed wrong and they decide you're shaming them for something and then the ranting gets directed at you?

I made the stupid mistake of asking if framing a phrase in the way she did was helpful (calling herself and others 'dumb' in a maths test) as I was concerned it was feeding into her overall negativity. Well, that well and truly lit the blue touch paper and she kicked off at me.

So I went out for dinner and left her to it. I'm soooooo done with teenagehood

If you want something to make you laugh
I was going through periods and being a vile teenager while my mum was going through the menopause
My dad sat on the stairs and wailed "even the fucking dog is female"
it still makes me laugh

Good for you @CandyLeBonBon Did she make herself food?

It's really hard to ignore a messy bedroom of you are naturally a tidy person. Yesterday I found a packet of this pink sherbety stuff upside down in a drawer. I can just about live with untidy but not with ants!
Every few days I go in and remove empty cola cans and glasses of water before the cat knocks them on the floor and retrieve the laundry/sweet wrappers and change the bedding. I do my best to not stress about the piles of clothes I've washed which are just dumped on the floor along with the wet towels!