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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

So draining living with teenagers!

317 replies

hellswelshy · 07/03/2022 15:45

Is it just me? I have two teen dd's. They are not awful by any means but my god they are sucking the life out of me! Sullen, sour faced, miserable about 90 % of the time, self absorbed etc. It's like living with two people who I do lots for but in turn they are not interested in me, selfish, and almost constantly simmering with dislike for me Sad Example: one of them just got back from school, I called out hi love how's your day? Grunt in reply. Then Can I go out? That's it, no asking me how my day was, face like thunder. HOW MUCH LONGER WILL THIS LAST????

OP posts:
planetme · 08/03/2022 18:12

@hellswelshy

Is it just me? I have two teen dd's. They are not awful by any means but my god they are sucking the life out of me! Sullen, sour faced, miserable about 90 % of the time, self absorbed etc. It's like living with two people who I do lots for but in turn they are not interested in me, selfish, and almost constantly simmering with dislike for me Sad Example: one of them just got back from school, I called out hi love how's your day? Grunt in reply. Then Can I go out? That's it, no asking me how my day was, face like thunder. HOW MUCH LONGER WILL THIS LAST????
I feel your pain

It's so hard

I'm told it gets better so just keep doing what you're doing, be there for them, show them love and try not to feel too hurt by their awfulness

I was awful to my mum between about 12 and 22 😢 I feel so bad and I don't really know why I was so horrible to her. I think we're the safe ones to take their grumpiness out on

spacehardware · 08/03/2022 18:13

"Oh fuck me yes the 'shaming' comments from them about Every.. Bloody. Thing."

Oh god ditto

They say whatever they like to us of course

Ledkr · 08/03/2022 18:15

I'm currently ill with covid. I just want to sit quietly on the sofa and feel sorry for myself. However I am a capitve audience to dds continuous self absorption and tales of what people have said and done and whether i like her eyelashes or hair and should she get her boobs done or her lips filled.
Jeeesssuss

ittakes2 · 08/03/2022 18:16

I feel your pain.

RockinHorseShit · 08/03/2022 18:23

However I am a capitve audience to dds continuous self absorption and tales of what people have said and done and whether i like her eyelashes or hair and should she get her boobs done or her lips filled.
Jeeesssuss

Oh gawd @Ledkr, that sounds horrendous🥴. I think I'm now glad that mine thinks I'm "ridiculously out of touch" & "wouldn't dream of asking for my opinion" never mind that I've had a long & successful career in fashion

I hope you feel better soon 💐

Knittingnanny2 · 08/03/2022 18:23

Ah I remember those years, which of course often coincide with peri-menopause. My three sons are adults now in their thirties, 2 of them could have been your children you are describing in this thread. The middle one didn’t seem to be a teenager! Went straight from child to responsible cheerful young adult!
In my limited experience they become “ normal” when they have children of their own. One of mine said recently “ flipping heck toddlers are hard work aren’t them mum”
I tried hard to put on a sympathetic face whilst secretly thinking your toddler is an angel compared to what he might be like in ten years time!

GreekGod · 08/03/2022 18:46

DD of 16 and 18 are a joy, really, a pure joy. DS of 15 is let's say, a huge challenge. Just waiting for him to get through it to be honest. Acts horribly to all of us and then says he is sorry just before bed. It is so exhausting and many family dinners and family trips out have been ruined...just waiting for it to be over which i am told by friends it will be at some point. i really try hard for it to not affect my mood and focus on good things and know that he loves us all but is just a moody teenager

TragicMuse · 08/03/2022 19:56

@CurryLover56

This thread has depressed the hell out of me but also comforted me as I know I am not alone! DD13 is adopted so we have all the fallout from that plus multiple issues including self harming, an eating disorder ( her description not ours), suicidal thoughts/ one attempt, self neglect, school refusal etc etc. And the self absorption can be staggering! It’s very very tough. But there are glimpses of the lovely affectionate considerate kid she used to be.

US TOO! Huge solidarity fist bump, on all of it.

I'm off work with depression because I can't hold all of it for them AND work AND be sympathetic AND AND AND.

It's exhausting.

MoiraNotRuby · 08/03/2022 20:14

Oh yes The Shaming! What utter bastards we all are.

I'm really sorry for the bereavements mentioned. When I was a teenager my grandad was dying but no one properly told me, and no one gave me any skills on how to deal with it. It was my stepmums dad. I think looking back it would have helped if my dad had sat us kids down and explained that grandad was going to die, it was going to be extra hard on our stepmum, she would seem OK a lot of the time but that she was very vulnerable. And that we could support by not being demanding, by remembering to ask after him, by offering to make a cup of tea every so often, by being willing to step up and walk the dog on someone else's day, etc. I was self absorbed and clueless. In my adult life I have dealt first hand with a lot more deaths and kind of know the score now. But I didn't have the awareness or skills as a teenager.

MadameTuffington2 · 08/03/2022 23:01

I have DS24, DD19 and DD15 - I’ve had drugs, prison, sectioning, SS involvement, running away and now (with the oldest two) I have sobriety & hard work with one and the other excelling at a Law degree at Manchester Uni - DD15 is in the throes but slowly emerging - I praise the Lord above that this is my last teen to parent.

Weather the storms - it mostly always gets better and the suffering & patience pays off 👍😂

Outhouse71421 · 08/03/2022 23:03

@Ledkr

I'm currently ill with covid. I just want to sit quietly on the sofa and feel sorry for myself. However I am a capitve audience to dds continuous self absorption and tales of what people have said and done and whether i like her eyelashes or hair and should she get her boobs done or her lips filled. Jeeesssuss
You poor thing. I recognise the feeling, too. My youngest DD sobbed though my first week of covid because she couldn't see her boyfriend. Look after yourself. She'll cope.
MissyB1 · 09/03/2022 08:07

I lost it at 13 year old ds this morning, feel bad because I properly screamed Sad
He had “lost” a brand new pair of Adidas trainers but wasn’t in the slightest bit bothered. He was too busy texting gossip to his mates to look for them - how very dare I interrupt?! Couldn’t be bothered to think about where he had last worn them or working out where they could be. It took me to think it through and conclude that he had left them at a sleepover at the weekend.

His attitude of shrugging his shoulders and not caring about losing something I had just spent £60 on is what sent me over the edge!

God give me strength! I will have a bloody stroke or heart attack at this rate!

NoraLuka · 09/03/2022 08:29

Thank you for starting this threatd OP - I'm sorry that so many others are going through this but at the same time it's a relief that I'm not alone!

DD1, 15, is being awful - she has been grumpy for a few years but has taken it up to another level lately, doesn't speak unless she wants something, grunts the rest of the time. I've found that she communicates much better by text message when she's sitting on the bus home from school. Doesn't mean she listens to anything I say but at least I get some insight into what she's thinking.

She isn't doing any homework or revision because she spends all her time online so we have arguments about that. Her room is a health hazard, I am not micromanaging but have literally just said, if something belongs in the bin, the dishwasher or the laundry basket, don't leave it lying around on your floor!

The worst is that I also have DD2 who is 14, who is not at all teenagery, works really hard at school and sometimes asks to go for walks with me at weekends. I'm worried about her because surely she should be rebelling or something by now?

CherylPorter350 · 09/03/2022 08:30

I have one adult child (22) 3 teens and one DS at 12!! I totally feel you...I was in tears yesterday because they make me feel like I'm a bad mum! It's hard work!

But...my oldest is out the other side and she is now the nicest, most caring young woman and we are very close. This gives me hope for the others...hang in there

RockinHorseShit · 09/03/2022 08:55

I want to get in the car and drive and drive sometimes.

Ours was so bad at one point & then crying to DH that I was abusive & causing rows, that I actually did pack up & leave to run away one night, I was just done from the abuse & disbelief from DH. I got as far as the train station & then couldn't get a train ticket & just broke down in pieces. I've been in & left an abusive relationship & this at times has honestly been worse, it's broken me in a way he never could.

FluffyScarves · 09/03/2022 09:00

Haha. The shaming thing made me spit my coffee out. Dd13 seems on the up at the moment as she’s in the school show, and is actually loving it. Despite the vile bat shit behaviour a month or two ago when she hated me as I refused to allow her to drop out!!!

I think our relationship has come some way recently. As a few months ago I just felt any communication with her (me and DH) was negative. As in. I felt we were always getting at her. So we both had to actively try hard with her. To be more positive. It’s easy to fall into a rut of just getting at her. Her room is a shit hole!! It stinks to Doritos and dip!!! Confused And her personal hygiene is about the same! But, I generally think she’s a bit happier these last two months. Her room is still a shit hole and I just help her with it here and there She’ll happily bathe in her own filth I think!!! She’s showering and bathing more. Washing her hair and Straightening it. Definitely taking more pride in herself. And I praise that, praise praise praise whenever I can. God it’s exhausting!

It’s a shame when it’s an effort isn’t it. That it doesn’t come naturally. But I think it’s really important to acknowledge these little victories/steps forward/improvements/glimmers of hope. That our gorgeous little cheeky chops poppets are still in there. I even managed a cuddle with her the other day. I felt her melt into me a bit. Like she used too. I nearly sobbed like a baby!!

She’s one of 4 kids. And she’s the most like me. DH really didn’t like her a few months back. I told him to leave her to me and he and her are loads better. They have their own joke/banter thing going. Irritating but I’m happy for them. It’s nice to see them smirk and laugh and get on.

I’m rambling. Sorry. But the Shame thing made me giggle. Oh… and the dementor!!

My oldest dd17 has a boyfriend and I’m taking her to the dr’s for birth control next week. Aaaahhh. Help me!!!

Good luck all. Buckle up!!!

Feelsliketeenspirit108 · 09/03/2022 09:28

God I identify with so much of this!

I definitely want to get in my car and drive away and I don't mean that in a jokey way either.

I am drained and have very little left. I think perhaps I should go on ADs. I'm ashamed I have given up to some extent. The asking six times to pick up a coffee cup thing. It's more bother than it's worth.

She's pushed me to the edge of a breakdown, tried hard to drive a wedge between me & DH by being sweetness & light around him, but a vicious argumentative cow around me. I've been accused of anything she thought would upset me ....

^^ I identify so much with this! My dd's are sweetness and light around DH which has the added effect of him not supporting me when they are vile, especially dd1. She has this horrible belittling sneer about her ATM which I find soul-destroying, partly because she was such a joyous, kind and funny child, and partly because it's intensely unpleasant having it directed at you constantly. I don't really know where to turn either.

RockinHorseShit · 09/03/2022 09:55

@Feelsliketeenspirit108, get yourself some support & if it's bad with DH, family counselling too. It's helped us a lot.

Mine actually goaded me to breaking point when I was I'll with migraine & then videoded herself quietly asking if I was okay because she was so worried... that did not fucking happen, she was a total bitch & DH wasn't believing me. That was my breaking point

I also stepped back & forced DH to deal with her at times it needs a big fat no. He soon saw the other side of her & she had all 6'6" hairy assed biker of him in tears too. He gets it now at least. I think without the counselling I'd be gone by now, not because I want to, but because I had no support from DH & felt disbelieved too. Thankfully things have improved

Comedycook · 09/03/2022 09:57

Ds13 was absolutely vile this morning. Giving me dirty looks and muttering under his breath...then asked for money and a lift Hmm

MissyB1 · 09/03/2022 10:55

@Comedycook
That literally is the title of a book I read recently (it’s very good and actually helpful) called
“Get out of my life! But first take me and Alex into town”

nolongersurprised · 09/03/2022 10:57

Mine (14) was awful to her younger sister on the way home and over food, pleasant and interactive on her way to bed initially and then visibly disgusted by my physical presenceSmile. It’s 9pm here, I’ll be up at 5 to take her to swimming training so I’m in my old, stretched nighty. Apparently it’s so awful she can’t bear to look at it.

nolongersurprised · 09/03/2022 10:59

Ds13 was absolutely vile this morning. Giving me dirty looks and muttering under his breath...then asked for money and a lift hmm

DD14 and I were having an intense discussion/disagreement one night by text. Half way through vehemently disagreeing me she said, “Also, I need more conditioner”.

Feelsliketeenspirit108 · 09/03/2022 11:19

Thanks RockinHorseShit on the strength of your post this morning, I have emerged from my stupor and contacted a therapist. Their books will probably be full but at least it's a start.

Comedycook · 09/03/2022 11:20

[quote MissyB1]@Comedycook
That literally is the title of a book I read recently (it’s very good and actually helpful) called
“Get out of my life! But first take me and Alex into town”[/quote]
Yes I keep planning to get it!

PangolinPie · 09/03/2022 11:22

[quote MissyB1]@Comedycook
That literally is the title of a book I read recently (it’s very good and actually helpful) called
“Get out of my life! But first take me and Alex into town”[/quote]
I've read this book twice now. It really helps. Solidarity to you all on this thread ✊️