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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

So draining living with teenagers!

317 replies

hellswelshy · 07/03/2022 15:45

Is it just me? I have two teen dd's. They are not awful by any means but my god they are sucking the life out of me! Sullen, sour faced, miserable about 90 % of the time, self absorbed etc. It's like living with two people who I do lots for but in turn they are not interested in me, selfish, and almost constantly simmering with dislike for me Sad Example: one of them just got back from school, I called out hi love how's your day? Grunt in reply. Then Can I go out? That's it, no asking me how my day was, face like thunder. HOW MUCH LONGER WILL THIS LAST????

OP posts:
Comedycook · 11/03/2022 08:09

I clean it as well because I don't want him to get used to living in filth and think it's a normal thing and become accustomed to it.

steppemum · 11/03/2022 08:18

[quote Comedycook]@WhatsitallaboutAlfie1. I still clean and tidy my teens bedroom. My family tell me I should leave it if he wants to live like that or make him tidy it. Honestly though I cannot bear the thought of him going to sleep in a messy, dirty room. Makes me upset[/quote]
yes, sorry maybe my post should say don't insist or be controlling about their room it is their space.
dd2 finds life easier when her room is tidy. But she finds it impossible to tidy, But she doesn't want me to go in and tidy, as that is an invasion of her space.
(ds loved me to clean his room, so he didn't have to!)
So every now and then we work on it, either I sit with her while she does it, or she lets me help and I follow what she wants.
It is about respecting her needs, and at the moment being in control is high on the list.

But to be fair, dirty washing and plates come out regularly as she doesn't like dirty things

Comedycook · 11/03/2022 08:21

It is about respecting her needs

Oh definitely. They're all different aren't they. I tidy my Ds room when he's at school and he doesn't seem to mind yet! I'm not sure he even notices to be honest Grin

C8H10N4O2 · 11/03/2022 08:30

I was always told that 13/14 was the age of maximum torture for girls, 14/15 for boys. That pretty much aligned with my experience.

  • Pick your battles; decide what really matters and let some things go.
  • Let them suffer some consequences of their own thoughtlessness/unkindness n the smaller things
  • Don't be afraid to tell them very simply, in words of one syllable when they have really hurt/upset someone and why, ask them if that is what they meant to do
  • Remember who much of a struggle this time was when you were same age
  • Sometimes, when you really want to scream at them try hugging them instead. It may sound bonkers but mine were at their worst when they were actually really upset about something
  • They really do grow out of it and become proper adults, who talk to you and hold down jobs and build relationships
Comedycook · 11/03/2022 08:59

I was always told that 13/14 was the age of maximum torture for girls, 14/15 for boys. That pretty much aligned with my experience

Oh I hope not! Ds is 14 in a couple of weeks. He has been horrendous from about 11. He seems to be slowly coming out of it. He has moments now of relatively pleasant behaviour amongst the back chat and attitude. I'm hoping we had the difficult years early and we're now emerging from it. Fingers crossed

BigSandyBalls2015 · 11/03/2022 10:12

15-17 was the worst stage in our house. Rude, school refusing, going out drinking and not coming home or even texting us, putting herself in very risky situations.

Super stressful and it put a big strain on our marriage as DH buried himself in work and left the brunt of it to me IMO.

She’s lovely now, working, great boyfriend. She mentioned her behaviour recently and said she feels ashamed when she looks back.

So hang in there everyone, it’s yet another phase in this parenting journey Wine

Floralmotifs77 · 11/03/2022 10:24

That's good to hear BigSandyBalls2015 .

14-18 yrs with us and still a bit hairy at times but there are some chinks of light appearing!

bendmeoverbackwards · 11/03/2022 10:40

Good to hear @BigSandyBalls2015 what happened with the school refusal? Did she still manage to do GCSEs?

steppemum · 11/03/2022 12:44
  • Sometimes, when you really want to scream at them try hugging them instead. It may sound bonkers but mine were at their worst when they were actually really upset about something

absolutely. Took me ages to realise this.
initially I took it all so personally

CandyLeBonBon · 11/03/2022 16:48

@bendmeoverbackwards

Good for you *@CandyLeBonBon* Did she make herself food?
Well I'm guessing she didn't starve - I suspect cereal was consumed but I didn't bother to ask.

She did once (in all seriousness) suggest that I'd be guilty of child neglect if I went on strike as I was threatening at the time.

I'm sorry to say I laughed and told her to get on to child line IMMEDIATELY!!

I love her dearly, of course. But really!! 🙄

CandyLeBonBon · 11/03/2022 16:48

@steppemum

- Sometimes, when you really want to scream at them try hugging them instead. It may sound bonkers but mine were at their worst when they were actually really upset about something

absolutely. Took me ages to realise this.
initially I took it all so personally

Sometimes even that ends in disaster! I tried that yesterday. She still kicked off!!
spacehardware · 11/03/2022 18:30

Feel utterly worn down with constant complaints from school about my son's low level bad behaviour, lack of compliance with homework, and his nasty moody behaviour to me. It's his birthday tomorrow, he's already complaining about it. He's pleasant for about 30 seconds when he wants anything then reverts to churlishness.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 11/03/2022 19:01

I also think threads like this are great because people are truthful. It’s a bit like when you all have babies and all the other mums are like ‘oh mine sleeps through the night all the time now’ - the competition for sensible teens is still strong.
Mine on paper were great, no trouble, worked hard etc but bloody hell it was hard. They are now 21 and 20. Eldest is fine but youngest is just more highly strung personality wise so is still a tricky customer.
I wonder if this is why we are so nice to our ageing parents now, I’m so sorry that I was a pain in the arse and grateful that my mum doesn’t laugh when I complain to her about them.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 11/03/2022 23:22

@bendmeoverbackwards yes she got good GCSEs considering how absent she was. She wasn’t off constantly but rarely did a full week.

It does make me wonder what she could have achieved but no point in going there.

CandyLeBonBon · 12/03/2022 09:12

@NaturalBlondeYeahRight

I also think threads like this are great because people are truthful. It’s a bit like when you all have babies and all the other mums are like ‘oh mine sleeps through the night all the time now’ - the competition for sensible teens is still strong. Mine on paper were great, no trouble, worked hard etc but bloody hell it was hard. They are now 21 and 20. Eldest is fine but youngest is just more highly strung personality wise so is still a tricky customer. I wonder if this is why we are so nice to our ageing parents now, I’m so sorry that I was a pain in the arse and grateful that my mum doesn’t laugh when I complain to her about them.
I'm constantly apologising to my mum, even though she remarried 5 times during my childhood and teens/early adulthood and made some very questionable/damaging relationship choices, I STILL apologise for being a teenage shithead!
Original poster
hellswelshy · 12/03/2022 10:25

@NaturalBlondeYeahRight

I also think threads like this are great because people are truthful. It’s a bit like when you all have babies and all the other mums are like ‘oh mine sleeps through the night all the time now’ - the competition for sensible teens is still strong. Mine on paper were great, no trouble, worked hard etc but bloody hell it was hard. They are now 21 and 20. Eldest is fine but youngest is just more highly strung personality wise so is still a tricky customer. I wonder if this is why we are so nice to our ageing parents now, I’m so sorry that I was a pain in the arse and grateful that my mum doesn’t laugh when I complain to her about them.
Agree with this. I find if I have a little moan in real life it's met with an almost denial because they are not out on the streets doing wild things or getting arrested. So there's no cause for complaint unless it's an extreme situation. I know it could be worse, as with most things, but a daily grind of misery can be very hard and affect you. It's come as a bit of a shock to me as I thought I had been through the hard part of my parenting journey ie twin newbornsGrin
OP posts:
Floralmotifs77 · 12/03/2022 10:39

Yeah my friends and I don't talk about this, even though we openly moaned when we were having problems with babies and toddlers. I think it's because we know one another's teens and it feels like we would be betraying confidences.

DaffodilsPlus · 13/03/2022 13:32

I made a comment to someone who'd had a good experience with their 16 year old that speaking as a mum of teens they were winning at life. We laughed together as we know the crap side.

steppemum · 13/03/2022 20:09

@Floralmotifs77

Yeah my friends and I don't talk about this, even though we openly moaned when we were having problems with babies and toddlers. I think it's because we know one another's teens and it feels like we would be betraying confidences.
yes I think this is true. You know them as people, so seems hard to moan about them.

I do look at people wiht toddlers and feel like they those days were simple.
I know they weren't. But somehow I find the emotional roller coaster of teens harder. I think it is because you feel like you are failing as a parent more, you think that the decisions all MATTER more.

especially round things like school and exams.
you are wondering if the sullen attitude means they will turn out to be a adult with no social skills unable to hold down a job etc.

I have to remind myself what I was like.

vbnm89 · 14/03/2022 10:02

I feel your pain. My DH actually wants out of our relationship because he can't cope with our teens. It doesn't help that I don't think they are that bad. He wants peace and quiet and he says they are always in the way or wanting lifts and I allow them to do too much. They are messy and answer back sometimes. He thinks their behaviour is shocking - he doesn't really socialise with other families so he doesn't understand what is normal for teenagers today. I try to keep him out of their lives as much as possible as he can be quite mean to them - I don't think it is intentional - he just doesn't understand that they are a different species in their teenage years. He thinks it is my parenting!!

They have a bedroom and that is where they should be all evening - so he can use his house. If they are in the house they are always in the way- they like sitting downstairs and chatting to me - they don't have a playstation or xbox so they aren't always confined to their rooms - much to his annoyance!!! He can't stand the mess they make after a shower and refuses to pick them up from activities or friends houses because he is too tired after going to work all day. Luckily I have a friend who helps me if I need to pick both kids up at the same time.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 14/03/2022 10:47

@vbnm89 wow that sounds very difficult, for you and the teens. Very hurtful for them.

spacehardware · 14/03/2022 10:50

It's your parenting vbnm89? Has he had no part in their lives at all?

What an arse. Sounds like an extra man baby you don't need

EITTYBreck · 14/03/2022 15:10

I feel your pain. My DH actually wants out of our relationship because he can't cope with our teens.

Oh do let him go, and take care to not let the door hit him on the way out Hmm.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/03/2022 22:57

@vbnm89

I feel your pain. My DH actually wants out of our relationship because he can't cope with our teens. It doesn't help that I don't think they are that bad. He wants peace and quiet and he says they are always in the way or wanting lifts and I allow them to do too much. They are messy and answer back sometimes. He thinks their behaviour is shocking - he doesn't really socialise with other families so he doesn't understand what is normal for teenagers today. I try to keep him out of their lives as much as possible as he can be quite mean to them - I don't think it is intentional - he just doesn't understand that they are a different species in their teenage years. He thinks it is my parenting!!

They have a bedroom and that is where they should be all evening - so he can use his house. If they are in the house they are always in the way- they like sitting downstairs and chatting to me - they don't have a playstation or xbox so they aren't always confined to their rooms - much to his annoyance!!! He can't stand the mess they make after a shower and refuses to pick them up from activities or friends houses because he is too tired after going to work all day. Luckily I have a friend who helps me if I need to pick both kids up at the same time.

I had one like that, @vbnm89

When my now 20y/o (autistic and adhd ds) was 5 or 6, exH told me (in front of ds) that he thought he should be taken into care because 'we' (i.e HE) couldn't cope.

He's still an obnoxious prick to o this day and has utterly alienated our kids through his utterly unreasonable and inflexible behaviour/attitudes and 2 of my 3 refuse to have anything to do with him. Ironically it's my 20 y/o who continues to try and keep a relationship going with him!

ImAvingOops · 15/03/2022 07:50

vbnm89 if you lose the husband you'll all be much happier. Your children aren't doing anything wrong - they absolutely should be able to sit and talk to you and share the space. It's lovely that they want to! Asking for lifts is perfectly normal. Your kids sound lovely - your husband does not. Please put a stop to this before he completely alienated your kids and they move out, leaving you with him!