So draining living with teenagers!

[hellswelshy]

Is it just me? I have two teen dd's. They are not awful by any means but my god they are sucking the life out of me! Sullen, sour faced, miserable about 90 % of the time, self absorbed etc. It's like living with two people who I do lots for but in turn they are not interested in me, selfish, and almost constantly simmering with dislike for me Example: one of them just got back from school, I called out hi love how's your day? Grunt in reply. Then Can I go out? That's it, no asking me how my day was, face like thunder. HOW MUCH LONGER WILL THIS LAST????

Let’s hope he gets a job! I’m exasperated by him. His father doesn’t think he needs a job, but I won’t start on that one!

He doesn’t want days out. His choice I guess but I’ve learned not to bother.

We drove to the beach (2 hours) the last time he wanted to go but then when we arrived he didn’t want to do anything- no walk, no sitting on the beach reading, no fish and chips … there’s nothing else to do at the beach near us! We only stayed 50 mins!

Thank you all for replying, a resounding cancel then. I can get a voucher for the flight value and cancel everything else bar trains so I’ll have lost about £150-200, drop in the ocean!

ChickenRunner

Definitely no days out then! Plan lots of stuff for yourself. It's your time now.

My ds was awful until he got a job - lazy, selfish, rude. Working completely changed him.

Just coming back to say I've cancelled it, it's for the best. I got a voucher for the value of the whole flight which is great, everything else cancelled without charge apart from about £85.

I was questioning my reasons for booking it after waterrat's post. In my extended family all my (four) siblings' kids still holiday with them, late teens, even into their 20s, now with their partners - so it is fairly normal to see here. No difficult XP in the picture though and their boys were never like DS.

Probably the right decision @ChickenRunner I'm sorry it's rubbish for you. Could you go away on your own or with friends and your ds can stay with his dad? Maybe if things improve, you could book a shorter holiday for you and him too?

I think I’m done tbh. We did have a city break at Easter which was fairly tricky, like DS not conversing at all in pubs/cafes. It felt like being bound together in an unhappy relationship.

I could do loads, I’m invited on a free holiday with friends who own a property in France, could go to stay with other friends who live in Cornwall, travel alone, go away with a couple people from my cycling group.

XP refuses to be pinned down on dates in the summer, his wife and work come before DS (who doesn’t see it). I’ve never done it because I didn’t want DS thinking no one cared about him. Still don’t if I’m honest, half of me thinks maybe he needs a bit of tough love at this point. The other half doesn’t.

Oh @ChickenRunner im sorry my post was insensitive. I think the reality is there is just lots and lots if variation in teens wanting to holiday with parents. That is what I see around me. I think what I meant is to try and reassure you that it's fine to say no if it isn't working

Oh don't apologise waterrat, I wasn't upset, it just made me think about it and think about the 'normal' I see. Even one of my pals, she has just been away with her two daughters and their husbands/fiancees for three weeks. So not wanting to holiday with parents isn't really something I see.

Since his dad left (ten years ago), I have always made sure that he had someone 'there' for him because if I wasn't he wouldn't have that.

He was referred to CAHMS a few years ago, they said it was entirely normal for him to vent with me - the person who is there all the time. He stopped his sessions after about ten, discharged himself at 15, but he isn't very robust imo.

I want to be there for him, what parent doesn't, but I simply cannot take his behaviour. He also needs to get a job, something to get up for/get him out of the house in the holidays .... and I need a holiday.

ChickenRunner it's definitely not just your ds. IME parents of teens just don't tend to talk to each other about the trouble they're having with teens, like they do with babies & younger children. That's why this forum is so helpful.

Your ds will come out of this fog and realise what a great mum he has and your relationship will improve. It's honestly just a waiting game. My adult ds came over today and was chatting all day about this and that, what movies he's seen, stuff happening at work, the car he wants, holidays etc. From age 15-19 he barely said a word to me! I still can't quite believe he's the same person.

It absolutely does get better. Hang on in there.

I love your post @Playplayaway gives us all hope.

My dd has actually been quite pleasant over the weekend. My Dh went away on a week’s work trip yesterday and I think she’s enjoying having me to herself. We went to see a show yesterday and had a great time. Although she is pretty horrible to her dad a lot of the time and I never know whether to get involved or not.

Yes it does Play, thank you.

I think that DS seems slightly ashamed of his behaviour today, he actually sat in the same room as me this evening. Perhaps cancelling our holiday has hit home!

@ChickenRunner cancellation is absolutely the right thing to do.

We went away recently for a ridiculously expensive city break - think around £4K for 4 days - with ds’s 16 and 18. The 18yo was just horrible and it was really upsetting because I was so looking forward to it and it is such a beautiful place I wanted to enjoy it with him.

Silent at meals which was the only time he really spent with us so he didn’t have to spend the money we’d given him on food - not smiling - being surly - it was really grim.
Even ds 16 felt sorry for us I think.

You did the right thing. Nothing can spoil the mood more effectively than a teen with a bad attitude.

DD went to bed at eight. Hungry

She was not tired, she did not have a hard day, she went to bed because she could not BARE TO LOOK AT ME for one more moment. And she feared that if she stayed in the same room as me, her rage would spill over into something she might regret...

My terrible crime was to give her the chicken breast (her preferred bit of chicken) and not wings or legs and to brazenly just ASSUME that i know best what she would want. Because stupidly that's what I did. I assumed she would want the bit she likes best. That'll teach me.

I foolishly popped up later to see if she wanted to eat and got the eyes-of-death-and-disgust. So that'll be a no then.

I can honestly think of nothing worse that 19 days of that @ChickenRunner . You did the right thing!

Please can I come in and rock quietly in the corner? My DS is 15 and has six of his GCSE exams coming up, starting on May 20th (we're in Wales and they spread the GCSEs over two years for certain subjects). Has been making minimal effort with revision, assuring us that he's doing fine. He's always been very able academically so we weren't too worried, but we found out at parents' evening last week that he's on course for Cs at best in his 'best' subjects, for which he's been telling us he's getting A-grades in class assessments. Teacher after teacher told us he needs to revise more at home. DH and I are both academics and have done our absolute best to support him with revision - bought revision guidebooks/York Notes etc., helped him to find resources online, offered to help with revision techniques - but it's all been thrown back in our faces because obviously we know nothing. He has now announced that he doesn't need academic qualifications anyway because he's going to be a racing driver 😳 He's been karting a few times and he is very quick and has a fair aptitude for it, but that's as far as it goes - at no point have any of the karting track staff sugested that he's the next Max Verstappen. Apparently he is going to get a Saturday/summer job, save up for his own kart, be picked up by a team/sponsor and go from there. This cannot possibly fail and therefore his grades will be irrelevant and what he needs to be doing is spending time on his racing sim games because it is all preparation for his career. He has his first exam (maths - his weakest subject) in two weeks 😭How do I get some sense into him?

Spiderlight we've got exams here going on as well, A level mocks and yr 8 tests for the younger one. Eldest is on study leave so trying to encourage and bring snacks etc and getting grumpiness in return- I know it is stressful but it gets to you after a while.

Not sure what to say about the racing driver business. I hope the GCSEs go OK.

@spiderlight I think you have to pretend to take him seriously and then remind him that he COULD get an injury so does need some backup options.

I'd probably extend this to blackmail - so if you do xxx amount of revision and get xxx grades, we will pay for 10 karting sessions.

I've just had the 'what if you get injured?' conversation with him, funnily enough! Not sure it had much impact but he's incredibly stubborn - I've long suspected ASD because when he gets these obsessions he's like a dog with a bone and he always knows best. And I got my dates wrong - his first exam is a week tomorrow 😫

Tricky one Spiderlight - the more you oppose his idea, the more he will dig his heels in. I had a slightly similar scenario, though not as extreme maybe when dd's were choosing options. Some of the suggestions were random & a bit unrealistic maybe. The practical part of me wanted to scream nooooooo but the dream believer side made me swallow that. Get tactical is my advice along the lines of 'that's great you have a dream and ambition, but cover your bases and get good grades too, so you have options later on' . Maybe also pointing out as pp said if he's serious AND gets good results you'll assist in some way? Good luck and sending strength, it's a tightrope to deal with impulsive teens whilst worrying they are jeopardizing their future potentially 😬