So draining living with teenagers!

[hellswelshy]

Is it just me? I have two teen dd's. They are not awful by any means but my god they are sucking the life out of me! Sullen, sour faced, miserable about 90 % of the time, self absorbed etc. It's like living with two people who I do lots for but in turn they are not interested in me, selfish, and almost constantly simmering with dislike for me Example: one of them just got back from school, I called out hi love how's your day? Grunt in reply. Then Can I go out? That's it, no asking me how my day was, face like thunder. HOW MUCH LONGER WILL THIS LAST????

I hear you all. Mine is 15 and it's bloody stifling.

She still my lovely girl but my god it's hard work.

Mine is 12, turning 13 in October. She hasn't got her period yet and is still ok in terms of moods and rudeness. I am waiting with trepidation though. I worry that she hasn't tuned into Kevin the teenager yet as most of her friends at school are ahead of her developmentally even though she is one of the oldest in the year.

To those with slightly older girls, what age did they start to become moody teens?

DD is 16. Honestly, the trouble and upset she's caused. A combination of hormones, obstreperousness, late diagnosed ADHD and being a popular girl pretty girl in a society which places value in the wrong things. About a year ago I told DH it felt like I was in an abusive relationship. DH stopped interacting with her which was for the best as she was so unbelievably foul to him. It was dreadful.
12 months later we've just had another nice family meal. DH has volunteered to run her to her friends house and she's said thank you nicely. Im not panicking about them being in the car together and falling out. She's doing better at school. Moods have stabilised. Friendships calmer and happier. A few weeks ago she told me that all her friends thought I was a brilliant mum and that she was lucky and she gave me a hug. (Didn't tell me she agreed with them obviously!) It was so lovely and unexpected that I've been a bit tearful about it.

Yes to the abusive relationship comparison, I hesitated to voice it this way but you are right. My dh seemed to get the brunt of the disdain at one point, and I had to step in and read the riot act as he's so mild and was quite hurt!

Thanks all for the sympathy and solidarity, it helps !

@AbbieMia

Mine is 12, turning 13 in October. She hasn't got her period yet and is still ok in terms of moods and rudeness. I am waiting with trepidation though. I worry that she hasn't tuned into Kevin the teenager yet as most of her friends at school are ahead of her developmentally even though she is one of the oldest in the year.

To those with slightly older girls, what age did they start to become moody teens?

I would say from 13. But it's been a funny old transition due to the pandemic & they went from being with us lots because they had to, to suddenly disliking us and not wanting to be with us at all

It's like having a dementor from Harry Potter living upstairs.
I mutter obscenities under my breath and remind myself that I do really love him and this phase will pass, at regular intervals throughout everyday.

It is hard but they are meant to detach from us old parents... easier to do if they convince themselves we are stupid hateful losers and they're better off without us... they don't actually want to be moody its just part of the process.

Get maximum enjoyment from the small glimmers of hope. I bet they are lovely to other adults. I make sure to tell my friends how nice their kids are (e.g. if I've given them a lift somewhere) - they don't show it to their parents but its still there.

And remember you are not alone in this.

I don't know why I'm reading this because mine are only little but I'm terrified for the future with 2 girls now 🤣

Thank you for this thread, my DS16 had me in tears this weekend with his absolute foul mood, rude come backs just generally disgusting way of talking to me like dirt and still expecting me to taxi him around

I just gave up, I lost my mum a few months ago and I'm trying to cope with that, my work, my life and then throw in this awful stage and I'm at breaking point.

I had to go away and take time out before I actually lashed out the rage and anger in me was awful.

Oh and add in newly started HRT to the mix and it's just a recipe for disaster.

I've managed to gather myself back to something resembling a functioning adult today and be nice to him, I took him his old favourite cakes and a cup of tea, I got grunted at but there was a tiny smile as he hasn't had those for years.

That's all I can do really is keep being kind here I can, and be firm about boundaries when I can.

It's just so hurtful when someone you love so much is just rude daily.

Yep

15 & 16 here and utterly draining and soul destroying.

15 (DS) not as bad but monosyllabic and minimal conversation
16 (DD) horrendous. Miserable or angry 90% of the time. We don't understand that it's worse for her than anyone else. Endless friendship drama / A-Levels are 'impossible'/me and her DDad are areseholes. Only happy when she is out with friends or she is standing over me whilst I order something on Amazon that she is after. Selfish beyond belief, humourless, self absorbed and lashing out in temper endlessly.

I've found myself tolerating behaviour I swore I never would.

I want to get in the car and drive and drive sometimes.

And yet... and yet... every now and then, there are moments of love/vulnerability/kindness/humour and sweetness that that indicate the lovely girl is still in there and will re-emerge at some point. I just need it to be soon.

Same here.
DD (17) constantly on phone, zero engagement with us parents bar some bizarre retelling of weird teenage dramas. Totally self absorbed. Zero effort made in important areas. Had hoped to see a chink of light by now. Feel my life has been on hold for years as try to fathom a way through. Not keen on her pretty dysfunctional friendship group. Also tolerate behaviour that I can’t stand, just so I pick my battles (which would be constant). DH equally miserable. We both cling to hope there is light at end of tunnel after such a long haul but we reckon we have aged at least 10 years. I didn’t want to get out of car and come into my own house from solo trip to my parents tonight. Hoping clouds will part one of these days and v cheered by my mums netters who say that for them it finally has. Roll on that day…

The disdain and absolute lack of interaction and communication is soul destroying. DS1 (15) was the loveliest, cheeriest, happiest child you could ever imagine, we had such a lovely relationship, and it feels like I have totally lost him. Whoever described it like having a dementor living upstairs - yes! exactly that.
Plus I worry so much about how much time he's on his phone (although we limit it and have restrictions in place). It's not healthy, it's just not. Any discussion or suggestion that he do something else leads to arguments and sulking and just makes everything even worse.
But there are also tiny glimmers of hope that he is still in there somewhere. Some days I find it so hard to ignore the bad though, it's utterly draining. And it affects my relationship with DS2 who is much younger and still wants his mum to be the centre of his universe.

It is very comforting to hear that I'm not alone in this nightmare.

So funny that a few of you have talked about them being like dementors as that's exactly what I said to DH about DD.

She has just stormed out of the house after giving me a really dirty look and accusing me of judging her. My anxiety is now running through my body even though I was perfectly calm before this latest interaction with her.

I'd obviously committed some unknown crime by answering the door to her friend who calls for her on the way to school ( DD was running late as ever) and trying to hand her a breakfast biscuit.

Her rude behaviour always increases in front of her friend and I've already told my husband that any requests to invite friends for dinner or sleepovers will be refused after DD ridiculed me , taunted me and left me desperately trying to hold in my tears in front of her friend over the dinner table this weekend.

She's only 13 - I've obviously got years of this to come going by the posts on here.

Idk if it helps but I was a horrific teen I ended up leaving at 16, now 29 so a far way off but honestly my dad is my best friend in the world now x

@Littlemissprosecco

Sometimes! Inbetween bringing washing home

Most likely

I could have written your post justsatfloating (with the exception of losing your mum. I'm very sorry for your loss ).

I have been ill with Covid the past two weeks but I'm still taxi and laundry service, still producing meals and doing my full time job. My DS (14yo) hasn't once asked how I'm feeling or offered to make me a cup of tea. I got upset on Sunday and cried at him; told him to start making an effort. I'm not proud of this but I was feeling so lousy.

He still hasn't asked how I'm feeling but he has actually opened his bedroom curtains and made his own packed lunches the past two days without being nagged which is something.

@Waspie my DS was awful at 14. They seem to have no emotional intelligence or empathy. I used to joke that if he came home and found me injured or dying on the kitchen floor he would probably just step over me to get the the biscuit cupboard whilst moaning that I was in his way.

Now at 16 he is lovely. He has learned to use humour to make communication easier. He is sensitive to my moods now and he often asks if I'm ok if he sees me looking sad ( usually because of DD's behaviour) He can read situations better now.

I was having a little cry earlier about DD and DS texted me a nice message after getting one of his GSCE mock results back. Cheered me up made realise again how far he has come on. It does get better and I really needed reminding of that this morning.

Oh yes 17 ds here
He's still quite self absorbed and rude, every now and then he kicks himself mentally when he says horrible things as he knows he needs a lift or some cash later on! I don't even have to say anything now, as he knows it won't happen!
He does apologise sometimes...

When he gets up at the weekend his younger brother will announce ITS UP and we all run away until he's eaten

The splice got me is he'll be 18 soon and has grand plans to get a job and move out 😀😀😀😀

@ponkeydonkey,
The "ITs UP" properly cracked me!!

@Scoobydoobydoo he says it in a deep voice like he's narrating a documentary 🤣🤣

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at your posts Angels. DS would certainly step over me to get to the biscuits and moan that I was in his way! He'd then leave the cupboard door open and strop off back to his room. Will you accept virtual tea and an Un-MN empathetic hug?

I clashed with my mum as a teenager and I was genuinely pleased when DS was born because I thought I might escape that mother/daughter clash. I'm glad for you that your son has come through his early teenage phase and your relationship is better now. Your daughter will get there too I'm sure. 13 is such a difficult age.

I tell myself that teenagers challenge boundaries and behaviour with those they know love them most and it is just the way they are dealing with growing up; it's not actually personal. It's just hard sometimes.

I have 2 here who drain the absolute life out of me. Rude, selfish, cheeky, moody, crying one min, screaming the next, showing me tik toks the next, slamming doors, wailing, leave me alone/get out/ fuck off/ you don't understand/ you are the best Mum/ you are the worst Mum etc etc. It's a rollercoaster. I agree with the feeling of dread when I hear their feet hit the floor in the mornings. They also fight relentlessly with each other.

It can be very very hard. I have to say this thread has cheered me right up knowing others are going through the same!

@Waspie thanks for the hug! Right back at you. I find it hard to talk about these issues in real life as I get too emotional so reading these posts and being able to right down what's going on in my family is really helping.

And the "it's up" thing really made me laugh.

Thanks OP for starting this thread this morning

I often feel a bit more sympathetic with my son when I think of my PMT and feeling so emotional and irrational.

Whats had helped the most with my 14 yr son is firstly the Sertraline the GP prescribed to help me with my PMT. I feel much calmer and able to ignore things and don't rise up to argue back with him.

The other things that have helped us make him independent. He knows how to do his own laundry and cook. I obviously do the family laundry and dinners with my husband but if he doesn't bring clothes to wash that he needs or comes home late etc he can sort himself out. It has meant I am less stressed.

Also family time, he spends most of his time in his room or out. So we try and book some short breaks that forces us to spend time together.

And finally being clear about expectations. I want him to focus on studying and we give him space as long as he delivers reasonable school reports and meets all his commitments. For example he was one of only 3 in his class to attend all the extra revision classes put on for a subject. So even if he doesn't do brilliantly I know he has made the effort.
In return he had a reasonable amount of freedom.

I know we don't have a great relationship but he does have a great relationship with his dad. So as long as he communicates i am happy.