So draining living with teenagers!

[hellswelshy]

Is it just me? I have two teen dd's. They are not awful by any means but my god they are sucking the life out of me! Sullen, sour faced, miserable about 90 % of the time, self absorbed etc. It's like living with two people who I do lots for but in turn they are not interested in me, selfish, and almost constantly simmering with dislike for me Example: one of them just got back from school, I called out hi love how's your day? Grunt in reply. Then Can I go out? That's it, no asking me how my day was, face like thunder. HOW MUCH LONGER WILL THIS LAST????

Opps - excuse the typo! It is supposed to read ‘yes’ not ‘yea’!

@MoiraNotRuby

Happy Mothers Day for yesterday... I had low expectations.... one teen was horribly moody all day and the other was quite sweet. Comme ci comme ca.

Same here!

Mine behaved! Begrudgingly!!!

@ChiswickFlo I've been quite upset about your post and have been mulling it over this weekend. I sincerely hope I'm not like your parents, it sounds like they didn't care about you at all.

If anyone can offer any advice about our holiday problem I would be very grateful.

@bendmeoverbackwards is there really no way you could leave the one who is being difficult at home? Pay someone to house sit/ keep an eye on her? IF you feel Mexico is too far, could you swap the holiday and go nearer.

Have a family meeting and tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable - bullying that would not be tolerated in a work environment or at school and you have to treat it like that.

Explain calmly that unless you behaves with consideration to others in the home she will not be able to participate in family events?

It just does seem to send a terrible message to the other teen that the whole family holiday gets cancelled because her sibling is so horrible to her.

Alternatively - do you just decide that big foreign holidays are too much stress with teen and think of something simpler (but still implement some of the above)

We've booked the holiday via a tour operator who only does long haul. Can't get a refund, we can only move the dates or location.

@Wondergirl100 I have considered leaving dd3 behind and now we have more time on our side, I have told her that this is a real possibility. In reality though, we don't have grandparents around etc....there is a possibility dd3 could stay with my cousin but it's a pretty big ask for 10 days. Or I could look into having someone stay at home with her, will probably cost me money. And I don't know if I could relax properly knowing my autistic teen was on the other side of the world with a stranger

We have a holiday booked for July. Just me, dh and dd16. It's me that doesn't want to go. I have a little daydream of me being left 'home alone' like Kevin. We can't move it again so we either go or lose the money.

Dd is self centered and treats us like shit.
My relationship with dh has taken a battering too. We retreat to different areas of the house when we're emotionally burned out rather than help each other through it. It's quite painful for us both to discuss it so we just try and get through each day. One thing's for sure, we are never booking another holiday with her. A holiday is supposed to be something to look forward to, not dread.

I’m sorry to hear @Playplayaway Where is the holiday to and what sort of accommodation? Could you spend time with Dh and leave dd to it if she’s being unpleasant?

Sounds familiar Playplayaway - last year's holiday abroad was tricky so bit tense about this year's. What me & dh have agreed as a plan is generally leave them to it, go to the pool/beach and invite them to come, but if they are negative go without them. I will probably insist on maybe a few family day trips, but on the whole let them be. Easier said than done of course but that's my plan

It's a 2 bed/2 bath apartment in a resort with pools, entertainment etc. We'll leave her for a short while to go for a walk or the shop. It's the complaining about things before we've even gone that's hard to deal with. Nothing is ever quite good enough.

Sorry others are going through shit too but it feels less lonely when I read about your issues. Sending you all a

@Playplayaway she's old enough to be left for a longer period if she's being difficult. I would be firm - if she's moaning/complaining/being ungrateful then you will leave her behind in the apartment and go off and do fun stuff with dh. She is welcome to come and join you later. Go and sit by the pool with dh, read, have a drink, do whatever you enjoy doing. Don't let her spoil it for you.

Just thinking about holidays do you think on a deep developmental level some teens just can't enjoy ir benefit from such extended time with parents? Are we keeping them tied to family time for too long ? Just thinking back in time by 14 or 15 maybe teens would not be centered round parents anymore. Certainly not at 16 ....

I really remember at 16 wanting so much to just spend my summer with friends.

Totally understand though about not wanting to leave autistic teen so far away.

My son barricaded himself in his room last night using my lovely inherited Georgian tallboy.
I shoved my way in and a foot snapped off. It's buggered - lying flat on its face and will need a carpenter to men it.
All because I asked him to do his French homework.

Sooo. in retaliation...He didn't come home after school.

I've blocked his mobile.

Cancelled his monthly allowance.

I must get to bed as ....Work tomorrw. Pip pip!

He's staying the night at his friend's house (friend's mother called me) just in case anyone is worried that he's wandering the streets in his fleecy Christmas onesie wailing into the moon.

I am having an awful time with DD 16 at the moment so sympathy to any other suffering mothers. I am going through chemotherapy for breast cancer which has spread and life is quite tricky with that already, plus her brother is SN and mute and just been told school cannot meet needs mid GCSEs so I have all that to sort.

Mothers Day she doesn't get a card, present, say happy Mother's Day nothing. Just off with boyfriend for the day. My birthday yesterday after I have done chemo day before and have severe side effects which could result in permanent eyesight loss and she knows I have had to call emergency line and 12.10am on my birthday she comes whilst I am in massive pain and starts ranting at me that I have not booked her trip to Paris and she has asked 3 times. It was always going to be DH booking it and he told her he was going to I heard him. She started on that she has the rest of her social life to organise and can't do it with crap parents who don't book her Eurostar efficiently and chemo is no excuse. Then I ask about holidays and she starts saying she will only come with us if its an expensive holiday and saying only one week we are allowed to do as its the best week for her. I mention I could possibly see a friend in Italy who has been lovely to me with chemo then she replies well if you see a friend I will refuse to come on holiday with you and get my brother to refuse to, I don't want to see a friend of yours. Then tonight it was I hate you, my brother hates you, your husband hates you, you are a bad person and a whole bunch of lies. So delightful birthday for me. Though I am very tempted by the holiday without her if she is going to behave like this, save half the cost as well and all the hassle. It is a really hard year for her with lots of gcse mocks but I hate being the punchbag for her emotions especially doing chemotherapy. She also keeps school refusing saying migraines but never gets them at the weekend, DH calls it her Monday migraines and she used her rant at me as an excuse to be off Monday and Tuesday.

She is doing really well academically and can be a lovely child for long periods of time, just goes like this from time to time and it is so hurtful. I have spent so much time sorting issues out for her and sometimes you wonder why when she can be so utterly vile to me. Though at least she has stopped her physically attacking me phase from when she was about 13. She was the loveliest, kindest child at primary, perfectly behaved at school and home and a joy to take on holidays. Wish I could get that girl back though sometime she is like her again then she goes into pscyho mode. I wonder if she is bipolar as there were so many lies though I am not sure if she believes her lies or its competitive teenage drama. I am just giving up for now and concentrating on fighting cancer and getting her brother a change of schools. She should get great grades at gcse and a great 6th form though she is a nightmare for school as well and they are so kind with her and let her away with a lot.

@hellswelshy thanks it's exactly that!! Exactly. My mental health is also affected. Xxx

Silkierabbit Wishing you all the best. I can't imagine going through cancer treatment and having such a difficult teen to deal with on top.

Really pleased to hear she has lovely moments. My teen does too and those little glimmers into her sweeter side just about keep me going. We were at the cinema a few weeks ago to see Batman which goes on forever. Dd yawned and put her head on my shoulder for about a minute. I swear I stopped breathing the whole time and had a huge lump in my throat.

Hi all, just wondering if most of these are in state schools? Mine is and I think maybe that's made her behaviour worse. Or maybe it's just gen z teens? I feel like I've been broken many times over. It's very very tough xxx

@Playplayaway Yes I got that last night. A moment of affection then your heart fills. Feels a bit abusive though. I'd never put up with this from a man. Why do I put up with it from a child? I can't help thinking our modern life all phones and social media and not much outside group activities where we all group socialise if affecting all this. Honestly our generation was more polite I think xxx maybe I'm just getting old. I'm 54. Older mum.

@Silkierabbit
Good luck with the treatment and I sincerely wish you well.
You are a lovely person to see the goodness in your DD even when you so much to think/worry about. You have given me some perspective today.

@Quatrophoenix
That barricading in the room sounds so familiar. Exactly what my DS would do (while breaking his things inside the room)
Hope your tall boy is fixed and you get to keep it longer in your room rather than his!

I've just read this whole thread, makes me relieved that maybe DS just turned 16 isn't so bad. @Silkierabbit I can't imagine how hard things must be for you, I'm sure when your DD is older she'll look back with extreme embarrassment at her behaviour.

My main issue is that DS goes to private school ( paid for by GPs) and has managed to get in with the uber wealthy set. So apparently it's beneath him to get a summer job, our house is an embarrassment and smells of dog and when are we buying him a runaround to learn to drive in - oh and ideally a little VW Golf would fit the bill.

I just have to remember that his brain isn't engaging properly when his mouth opens. I feel we've perhaps done him a disservice by sending him privately. Annoyingly most of his old friends are in similar financial circumstances as we are - comfortable but certainly not living in mansions or off to Courcheval for skiing every Feb half term, but that's not the set he is in any more.

@rookiemere
Thank you for this phrase "Brain doesn't engage when their mouth opens"
You summed it perfectly!

@Scoobydoobydoo the most infuriating thing is when DS makes one of his particularly triggering remarks, I also lose the brain to mouth switch and come out with some quite unpleasant stuff.

It's so hard because at work I'm renowned for my unflappability, but DS manages to wind me up so much.

@rookiemere
Oh I get you!
I am guilty of losing that brain to mouth connection even without the teens triggering me.
Menopausal brain is just as bad as the teenage one and I know that is not an excuse. I need to work on my own thoughts and emotions first (sorry for the derail)
This morning I was mean for no reason (teen with gut health issues choosing yet another bad breakfast which I could have honestly ignored) which is why Silkierabbit's post gave me perspective.

[quote rookiemere]@Scoobydoobydoo the most infuriating thing is when DS makes one of his particularly triggering remarks, I also lose the brain to mouth switch and come out with some quite unpleasant stuff.

It's so hard because at work I'm renowned for my unflappability, but DS manages to wind me up so much. [/quote]
Yep so hear this. I am ashamed to say I've lost it twice this last week with dd, it's definitely worse at the moment, think I'm in peri menopause. Need to try to get a hold on the temper as it's not helping