So draining living with teenagers!

[hellswelshy]

Is it just me? I have two teen dd's. They are not awful by any means but my god they are sucking the life out of me! Sullen, sour faced, miserable about 90 % of the time, self absorbed etc. It's like living with two people who I do lots for but in turn they are not interested in me, selfish, and almost constantly simmering with dislike for me Example: one of them just got back from school, I called out hi love how's your day? Grunt in reply. Then Can I go out? That's it, no asking me how my day was, face like thunder. HOW MUCH LONGER WILL THIS LAST????

Until about 19-20. My 16 year old has her moods but is generally lovely to be with. My 18 year old - on eggshells waiting for the next outburst!

Great to find this thread, I feel so hurt by my teenagers telling me that can't wait to leave home everytime they earn £20 from a babysitting job. Child 1 was anxiety over school and will pass GCSEs if she manages to sit them, Child 2, aggressive rude and stroppy. Is it worth banning hobby of child 2 with poor behaviour or do I give up? Child 1 I feel like I can't challenge anymore under the mental health banner. I feel like I've lost my parenting tools

My 19 year.old is just starting to improve.. slightly

ITS up is genius. This is when you pay for having an only child! It was easier when younger!

Honestly my 14.5 ye DD is close to breaking me.

And DH just agrees with her to keep the peace. Mind you I can understand. She's soo difficult. She and he went all aggressive over me suggesting she take a different suitcase on her ski holiday. I literally had no idea about teens. Mind you I'm away from family. Maybe that makes things worse.

@Feelsliketeenspirit108 it's exactly the same for me. I have completely blamed myself for being a bad parent. But maybe she's not that great. Also DH doesn't know how to handle it.

Thanks Play Glad you had a lovely moment, they do provide hope. My dd goes through periods of being so lovely and has been really kind with a lot of my cancer things saying not to worry if I die for her brother as she will take care of him, saying she will get a ring with my ashes in and wear it everyday, telling me not to do chemo as she does not want me to suffer to stay alive for her. But sometimes she just turns and goes the complete opposite and chemo seems to be triggering that and she says really horrid things whilst I am very anxious / stressed and having lots of side effects and no HRT and on steriods with menopause coming. But just think its 3 more months of hell combination of gcses and chemo then that ends. Its still radio and 10 years more treatment after that and 6 months chemo recovery but the worst will be over and hopefully not too much permanent damage. At least today she was replying to my e-mails and ranting phase is over so I think the end is in sight.

Thanks everyone else. Sorry to hear of your struggles. Allotment I actually found consequences made things worse and best approach was to wait until she was calm and see what problems were. My DD normally has a bad turn when she is stressed or anxious and there is generally a problem that needs addressing but often not the one she is ranting about. But I find best to ignore the rant, refuse to engage and talk to her calm otherwise it escalates. But very hard with chemo and steriods to keep that patient but at least DD has realised now I think I will answer back on steroids and be like a moody teenager back. Its hard though as you do feel like you have given up on parenting but I think this phase is adjusting them to independence from heavy parenting and helping them problem solve and think of solutions so they can adjust to being an adult. Though I may be wrong just my experience and its a bit trial and error and child dependent.

Love to everyone and sending some strength to carry on. Most worried about my DS now who is mute and distressed in school and need to get him changed schools asap but LA dragging heels as EHCP involved. Never stops does it but I love kids.

I'm literally losing my mind over all this. Seems like everyone had pressures too.

I feel like I am distancing myself from my son(hes 15)
He barely interacts with us and all he is interested in is his phone/xbox and meeting different girls every few weeks!
I find his lack of concern for anyone else in the house hard and like I say am just ignoring his behaviour now.
I guess I have given up!
His dad tries hard with him and is the task master but they end up arguing and this makes son worse...he is taller than his dad already and can get quite aggressive when challenged about his behaviour,our younger son hides when this happens!
I know he's had sex with his last girlfriend and god knows what's going on with the lastest(turns up with love bites all over his neck)
I find this hard to deal with and despite repeated chats about what we deem acceptable he just bloody does what he wants!
Dissappears out the house without any thought to whether it's tea time or even letting us know!
So yes it's hard and it can have a negative impact on mine and my husband's relationship.
Then there our the moments he spends with us and is funny and chatty and nice to be around...
It is definitely not all bad but I am dreading the coming years!

Just a friendly wave to you all - hope you are having or are due to have a break over Easter! Our school hols start next week, I have one week off with dd's. Hoping for a balance of me time and maybe hang out with them - if they want to! They are worn out so a break from the drama of school is needed. Had a chat with one dd yesterday after she had some friend issues and also saw her ex boyfriend unexpectedly, she was upset so I listened and tried to comfort. It went ok but then she turned prickly and the subject turned to GCSE choices and how she felt she was regretting some of her choices. This then led to her forgetting the weeks of me trying to advise without influencing, but remembering when I lost my temper and shouted at one point where I had reached my limit. So all of the hours of listening to her and dd2 agonising over what subjects to choose, null and void as I had got cross with them once over it. It really upset me, know I do my best but I'm not perfect of course...It feels like any mistakes I make are stored up and used to punish me further down the line!

@Hellswelshy
Wave back to you and hope you get to enjoy the break the way you want to.
We came back from a week away.
Mostly it went well (as long as bank of mum and dad was always open to activities they liked and endless supply of food). We also lowered our expectations a lot on screen time and them helping us on holiday.
I was also thinking how liberating it must be for the teens to be away from constant drama at school.
Mostly the DC were fine but I could tell instantly when DD was in a dark mood. Usually after checking her phone!
I empathise when you say that how one small thing triggers and then they heap unpleasant words back at us.
I think it's sadly normal. We should just take it one day at a time and remember for every step forward we also go several steps backwards.

@ellebelli

I feel like I am distancing myself from my son(hes 15) He barely interacts with us and all he is interested in is his phone/xbox and meeting different girls every few weeks! I find his lack of concern for anyone else in the house hard and like I say am just ignoring his behaviour now. I guess I have given up! His dad tries hard with him and is the task master but they end up arguing and this makes son worse...he is taller than his dad already and can get quite aggressive when challenged about his behaviour,our younger son hides when this happens! I know he's had sex with his last girlfriend and god knows what's going on with the lastest(turns up with love bites all over his neck) I find this hard to deal with and despite repeated chats about what we deem acceptable he just bloody does what he wants! Dissappears out the house without any thought to whether it's tea time or even letting us know! So yes it's hard and it can have a negative impact on mine and my husband's relationship. Then there our the moments he spends with us and is funny and chatty and nice to be around... It is definitely not all bad but I am dreading the coming years!

I read this very accurate description and have come to the only logical explanation: my DS is actually a cat and has several homes and lives with you when he’s not here.

@noseyjosie
Haha that cheered me up! We do have a tom cat and actually you are right,their behaviour is very similar.
I dislike that bloody cat at times too!

Hope everyone is doing ok this Easter weekend. I've just caught up with the last couple of weeks of posts - and can see people are dealing with lots more than me.

Mine feels minor in comparison, but I am really really struggling. It's DD12. She isn't behaving perfectly - eg went somewhere we told her not to then lied about it. But the main thing I can't deal with is her attitude to me (similar with DH but not as bad). She is so dismissive and just doesn't want anything to do with me - literally not even walking with me (we're away - no one would see!!)

I feel pointless. Like I may as well not be here. And then stupid for letting it get to me. I hoped a family break would help - and there have been good bits - but I overall it has made me feel worse. Maybe because I hoped without the distraction of friends things would be better, but they weren't.

to everyone having a tough time.

can totally relate, I have one teen dd she used to be a lovely little girl very enjoyable to be around then she became a teen and omg she's morphed into a different person. Grumpy, miserable, selfish, inconsiderate, awful to her younger sibling. I get the seething hatred for me feeling also. sometimes it's not what she says but the way she says it her attitude is awful. She no longer wants to do anything with us refused to come on a family holiday recently but we forced her to come as she is still too young to be left home alone for a week at just 14. Whilst there she was miserable, moaning and pulling her face at everything she spoilt a few things for us. she also refused to have a family picture taken. All the things she used to love doing she no longer does. I'll admit I sometimes really dislike her now. I miss the daughter I used to have.

@bigyellowTpot

can totally relate, I have one teen dd she used to be a lovely little girl very enjoyable to be around then she became a teen and omg she's morphed into a different person. Grumpy, miserable, selfish, inconsiderate, awful to her younger sibling. I get the seething hatred for me feeling also. sometimes it's not what she says but the way she says it her attitude is awful. She no longer wants to do anything with us refused to come on a family holiday recently but we forced her to come as she is still too young to be left home alone for a week at just 14. Whilst there she was miserable, moaning and pulling her face at everything she spoilt a few things for us. she also refused to have a family picture taken. All the things she used to love doing she no longer does. I'll admit I sometimes really dislike her now. I miss the daughter I used to have.

Feel exactly the same as this.

My Dd wants constant sleepovers. Puts her friends on a pedestal. Changes plans at the last minute. I am expecting her to ask for another sleepover any minute now. So them we Will argue and she will tantrum. I feel like I live my life on tenterhooks.

@refraction yes my dds friends mean the world to her much more than we do. Mine never brings her friends home because I'm too embarrassing apparently. my younger ds is almost 10 and a different personality to dd. He's very thoughtful, caring and considerate such a lovely boy I'm now dreading him getting older and changing. sometimes I wish I'd never had kids!

@Frenziedandfurious

My 15 year old dd can be shocking, barely speaks to me, hides away in her room constantly. Won't eat full meals just a succession of snacks, suddenly deciding she doesn't like food she's previously liked so eats a very limited range of food. Holidays have become a nightmare, she doesn't want to be with us and her foul mood just contaminates everything. We try to appease her by always bringing a friend along which is yet more work (even though the friend is lovely), she's rude to DS I think he's a bit scared of her and the mess is beyond a anything I've ever seen.

Holidays are the worst though, she's too young to leave alone, she can't stay with a friend for more than a couple of nights so we have to suck it up. I don't particularly want to holiday with other families but we have to so she has company. I did lose my s"*t at her on a recent UK based city break as she was being so rude and ungrateful. To be fair she did make more effort the next day, DS now 12 is still lovely. I hope he doesn't go down the same path . ☹️. Any tips for dealing with holidays gratefully received. We don't even go for a week anymore as it's just too intense. The arguments over the parenting of her have been extremely damaging to our relationship.

@Frenziedandfurious, Bloody hell are you me my post is very similar to yours. Do we have the same dd as mine is exactly the same even down to no longer liking all her favourite foods. To be fair she's blaming that on loosing her sense of taste through having mild covid about 6 months ago she says things now taste disgusting but goes on at me as though I can do something about it. Her younger ds is almost 10 and she can be awful to him and I think he is scared of her too, he's always trying to please her, buys her sweets etc with his own money he his lovely and always thinks of her, I'm also dreading him changing as he becomes a teen. Yes the arguments here too over parenting her. OH always seems to side with her and won't discipline her when she's spoke to me like shit, I think he's scared of her too and doesn't want to upset her as she's always been daddy's little girl. She speaks to him like shit too and full of attitude but I always pull her up on it and tell her not to speak to her dad like that and have a bit of respect for him as he's so good to her. Just wish he'd do the same and back me up when she's awful to me but he doesn't. It's causing friction now between me and OH.

Yep with you there. We went to the pub at 5pm on a Monday a few weeks ago to escape!

I've found my people! Dd15 is utterly draining. I love her to pieces, but her moods can be very dominating. I'm a single parent, so I can feel really alone in this at times.
It the constant bad mood. Deadpan expression and total lack of empathy which is difficult.

@refraction and @bigyellowTpot - same with the sleepovers and the holidays. How do you deal with it all? I don't think I deal with it very well at all. I either get cross or upset - neither has any effect!!

@APretADay It's awful especially the not wanting to go on holiday she really wanted to be left home alone but no chance that was happening and she's totally useless cannot cook etc and wouldn't have lasted long alone anyway! we left her alone on holiday a few times while we went and did things with younger ds as not fair on him missing out just because she doesn't want to do things.
My dd doesn't do the sleepovers as we're too embarrassing to have her friends round and our house isn't up to standard and totally embarrassing too. (I must admit I have let it get untidy but I've had a lot going on with caring for parent with dementia to keep on top of it)
She was actually quite pleasant this morning and spoke to me like a human being but I think that was only because I was helping her arrange transport for a day out with her friends next week. Then she found out one of her friends has got a new pet today and that set her off! she has an incredibly jealous streak and now its so unfair and I'm awful for not letting her just get a pet on a whim and that's because I know novelty will wear off and she'll be bored of it after about 3 days and il be the one left looking after it for the next 10 years, No thanks that ain't happening got enough on my plate at the moment. She did the same when we got a dog last year promised to walk him, it lasted about 2 weeks. I do his daily walks now otherwise the poor dog would never go anywhere. I'm just concentrating on getting through each day and leaving her to it. Actually prefer it when she's up in her room out of the way!

Can I join.

Just came back from a 3 day break to a place he loves but there were stressful times throughout, getting up for one!

He hates school and during the last few days of half term he’s constantly feeling low at the thought of returning, of course I’m supportive and he knows he can come and talk to me but it’s draining and can sap my energy as I’m constantly trying to be upbeat for him!

He is on the ADHD pathway, all paperwork submitted, telephone consultation done and he’s due to see Comm Paediatrics in the next few wks, possible ASD suspected too but will have to discuss at the f2f meeting, so this adds to the stress currently.

On a positive note. During our little break I have seen a real funny side to DS, his personality is growing and even though it can be brief it’s lovely when it happens, like a brief reprisal until the next moody envelopes him.

Onwards and upwards

Sorry meant to add, DS is 15!

Oh and just to add, reading a pp with a dc on the ASD spectrum, the constantly asking about time really resonates with me.

This is something DS does ALL the time. What time are we going, how long will the journey be, what time are we going home (before we’ve even reached our destination) what are we doing when we get there, what time are we doing that, what are we doing afterwards, what time is it.

It annoys DH more than me at times, I tend to be the peace keeper which can be even more draining.

DD 10 is ruder and more unkind to me than her bog brother who's 14 and actually quite manageable as long as he gets fed and plays football as much as possible. To me it feels like boys are easier than girls who can be so moody and cutting, but probably that's not true. It can be a thankless task. I quite fancy a holiday just by myself or with just one of the kids or just DH. Why don't w have US style summer camps?