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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

19 year old daughter home from uni and it’s difficult

228 replies

toni06 · 06/12/2021 08:25

My daughter started at Cambridge in October. She’s my youngest so I was very upset when she left. It became clear within days that she was struggling, and we has 4 weeks of nightly 2 hour tearful phone calls. During that time I wrote, sent bit and bobs through the post, and supported her, just telling her to get through this term. Together we were counting the 9 week term down. We visited her at the 5 week point and there has been a sea change since then. She made friends, got a social life. Phone calls reduced and often when we rang she’d be busy. We picked her up for Christmas on Friday and this weekend has been awful. I was so excited about her coming home, and it’s quite obvious she doesn’t want to be here. When we arrived to get her, after 4 hour drive, she wasn’t there and had gone out for a coffee. She’s not been rude, but goes on about how amazing life is there, how everyone else is there for another week, how she might go back early. Just little comments like it’s not worth unpacking, as she’s not here for long. We cooked a Sunday dinner yesterday, to be told she doesn’t eat rich food anymore. I’m quite hurt as it’s as if those weeks of supporting her never happened. I want her to be happy at Cambridge, but I also want her to appreciate being at home. How do we get through the next 6 weeks? We stuff planned nearer to Christmas but this week I’m working so can’t do much with her.

OP posts:
DebIr · 06/12/2021 08:32

So tough when they are away and unhappy so I’m sure it’s a huge relief she’s happy. You working this week may be a blessing as gives her time to settle and adjust to home again. Would also suggest as she’s off that she does some cooking for everyone this week.
If she’s not being rude you have to bite your tongue really.

zafferana · 06/12/2021 08:34

If she's now having such a great time, why has she come home a week earlier than everyone else?

AlbertBridge · 06/12/2021 08:35

You did a fantastic job supporting her when she needed you. Please hang on to that! You did the right thing and were brilliant.

It's a good sign that she feels better and can't wait to get back. It shows she's happy there.

This is good. I realise it's strange. But really she didn't "leave home" those first few weeks, did she? So she still needed you. But now she has actually left home, mentally at least, so now you're going through the missing her stage, even though she's technically back in your house!

It's all fine.

FabriqueBelgique · 06/12/2021 08:36

This is good!!

A bit hurtful, yes. But classic. Watch The Sopranos Grin

She’ll come back to you 💐

Member589500 · 06/12/2021 08:36

Maybe she’s a bit embarrassed about the support she needed and is now clumsily showing you she doesn’t need it any more.
You could tell her you feel a little hurt.

FrancescaContini · 06/12/2021 08:38

I’m afraid that she sounds selfish, ungrateful and lacking in self awareness. And you’re a very patient, supportive mum. If she were my DD, I would be drawing attention to her behaviour.

mumonthehill · 06/12/2021 08:39

You bite your tongue!!! It is great that she is happy but I think it is hard for them to slot back into normal family life that has routine etc. They get used to freedom and independence and everything is more exciting than home. It will settle down.

Ducksurprise · 06/12/2021 08:39

She is scared, scared to go back to the child her, the child that struggled. She is still getting used to the new adult her , and has a big fomo.

Parenting can be a thankless task, she can't realise now what you've done but she will in the future. You can't make her appreciate being home, the security of a loving home is something most people take for granted.

NOTANUM · 06/12/2021 08:40

If she’s in Cambridge her college rooms won’t even be available to her much before the start of term so it’s a fairly empty threat.

I’d be inclined to embrace it and let me crack on for now. Doesn’t eat rich food? She can cook tomorrow! Missing friends? Why doesn’t she go travel to see one of them on the coach. Rinse and repeat while you crack on with your own life.

She’s spreading her wings and ultimately it’s a good thing.

MsTSwift · 06/12/2021 08:41

Why did she come back so early? Whose idea was that?

Warmduscher · 06/12/2021 08:42

Try to remember how you felt when she was desperately unhappy and phoning you in tears every night, and how that compares to now, when she has friends, she’s loving her uni life and is no longer unhappy.

It’s hard when they start to pull away from you and want to spend time with their friends rather than with you. But that’s normal adolescent development. Your job is to encourage her to grow into an independent person. Be there for her when she needs you and be thankful she is starting to stand on her own two feet.

toolazytothinkofausername · 06/12/2021 08:43

My son, with Autism, hates going on holiday but then once he's used to it hates coming home. Same with school, he hates the beginning of the summer holidays, but once he's used to it he hates going back to school.

oneglassandpuzzled · 06/12/2021 08:44

It’s not unusual for them to be vile when they come home for the first Christmas. They are shattered and they know they can ‘relax’ into being horrible because you won’t reject them. It’s disappointing but it usually passes.

toolazytothinkofausername · 06/12/2021 08:44

@MsTSwift

Why did she come back so early? Whose idea was that?
Full Michaelmas Term: Tues 5 Oct – Fri 3 Dec
Warmduscher · 06/12/2021 08:45

@oneglassandpuzzled

It’s not unusual for them to be vile when they come home for the first Christmas. They are shattered and they know they can ‘relax’ into being horrible because you won’t reject them. It’s disappointing but it usually passes.
“Vile”?

What an unpleasant and judgemental word to use to describe someone’s child.

junebirthdaygirl · 06/12/2021 08:45

Lots of First Years come back from college with complete change of wardrobe, different accents etc . It's all part of them finding their feet at college. Smile to yourself as this stage will soon pass. Just treat her as normal and let the comments go over your head. Try and watch some movies together and do tings she wold normally associate with home. It's great she is happy at college so just put all the nonsense down to immaturity. Don't treat her ny differently just to make her love home more.
She is underneath still the same daughter

toni06 · 06/12/2021 08:45

She’s not back early. Term finished last Weds. Shes in halls and had to come home, but her friends are in a house and can stay on.

OP posts:
oneglassandpuzzled · 06/12/2021 08:46

Actually I was using it about mine. I love her and we laugh about it now. She was awful her first Christmas.
Chill. If you have a daughter that age you need a lot of black humour.

TheVanguardSix · 06/12/2021 08:47

She's happy! That is everything!
I totally understand you though, OP. I'm in the exact same boat with my 19 year old DS who, after a gap year, started uni this year and what a wobbly, anxiety-riddled start it was. Heavens, it was like leaving him crying at the nursery doors all over again and then some. Now? Now I've been relegated to some vague form of white noise in the background of his life. It took me a moment or two to kind of make peace with the rejection. Grin
But you know what, it's just them, getting to know themselves, spreading their wings, all of that.
It's all a bit 'look ma, no hands!'
Go easy on her. Go easy on you. She's good! She's happy. Find comfort in that and just allow things to fall into place without trying. Flowers

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/12/2021 08:47

OP you did a fantastic job keeping her there when she could have pulled out and really buggered up her future. Pat yourself on the back.

Now, she’s doing that late adolescence thing of discovering the world - it’s new and full of wonder and yes, home is dull and for kids in comparison. To her it will be as if the weeks of crying didn’t happen.

She’ll come back to you over the next few years, first as a refuge from stress, and then eventually as a valued layer of her life.

For now, arrange grown up meets between the two of you - let’s go see this exhibition and have lunch. Change your relationship up a bit - it’s changed and you have to find new ways to connect.

If she’s being unintentionally hurtful you can pull her up but in a jokey way - I’ve just spent 4 hours cooking this for you!! - unless she’s really rude it will be more effective than saying you are hurt - she is self absorbed right now.

You could step back a bit on the help - and focus on building up your own life - at least once she goes into a house next year she can leave her stuff and get the train.

ApolloandDaphne · 06/12/2021 08:47

My quiet, amenable DD2 came back after her first term at uni like a different person. She had become more outspoken and condfident in a way I found quite difficult to handle. However I accepted she was just growing into her new adult self and watched as she slowly unfurled into an amazing young woman.

You have done what you needed to with your DD and she is now feeling her way into becoming an independent adult woman. Just go with it and watch he move forward into life. Don't see it as a negative, see it as the culmination of everything you have done for her and don't need to any more.

penguinwithasuitcase · 06/12/2021 08:47

@AlbertBridge

You did a fantastic job supporting her when she needed you. Please hang on to that! You did the right thing and were brilliant.

It's a good sign that she feels better and can't wait to get back. It shows she's happy there.

This is good. I realise it's strange. But really she didn't "leave home" those first few weeks, did she? So she still needed you. But now she has actually left home, mentally at least, so now you're going through the missing her stage, even though she's technically back in your house!

It's all fine.

This –well said, @AlbertBridge.

It's a backhanded compliment, OP. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but it's a sign of a job well done. And it's also a good sign that she's sharing how happy she is there with you, albeit in a clumsy teenage way.

She's swung from one end of the pendulum to the other. Give her a bit more time and she'll settle back toward the middle.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 06/12/2021 08:47

6 weeks?
Let her go back as soon as she wants after Christmas.
Learn that next holidays she needs to decide if/when she comes home
I thought you were going yo say she has come home and refusing to go back! Count blessings.

toni06 · 06/12/2021 08:47

@zafferana

If she's now having such a great time, why has she come home a week earlier than everyone else?
Term finished last weds and she’s in halls so had to come home. Her friends are in a house.
OP posts:
toni06 · 06/12/2021 08:50

@MsTSwift

Why did she come back so early? Whose idea was that?
Term finished last week and she’s in halls.Her friends are in a house.
OP posts: