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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

19 year old daughter home from uni and it’s difficult

228 replies

toni06 · 06/12/2021 08:25

My daughter started at Cambridge in October. She’s my youngest so I was very upset when she left. It became clear within days that she was struggling, and we has 4 weeks of nightly 2 hour tearful phone calls. During that time I wrote, sent bit and bobs through the post, and supported her, just telling her to get through this term. Together we were counting the 9 week term down. We visited her at the 5 week point and there has been a sea change since then. She made friends, got a social life. Phone calls reduced and often when we rang she’d be busy. We picked her up for Christmas on Friday and this weekend has been awful. I was so excited about her coming home, and it’s quite obvious she doesn’t want to be here. When we arrived to get her, after 4 hour drive, she wasn’t there and had gone out for a coffee. She’s not been rude, but goes on about how amazing life is there, how everyone else is there for another week, how she might go back early. Just little comments like it’s not worth unpacking, as she’s not here for long. We cooked a Sunday dinner yesterday, to be told she doesn’t eat rich food anymore. I’m quite hurt as it’s as if those weeks of supporting her never happened. I want her to be happy at Cambridge, but I also want her to appreciate being at home. How do we get through the next 6 weeks? We stuff planned nearer to Christmas but this week I’m working so can’t do much with her.

OP posts:
fakereview · 06/12/2021 09:16

@oneglassandpuzzled

It’s not unusual for them to be vile when they come home for the first Christmas. They are shattered and they know they can ‘relax’ into being horrible because you won’t reject them. It’s disappointing but it usually passes.
Thanks for the warning - my son comes back tomorrow!

However, I can remember coming back for holidays and being bored rigid, even if I had a job. As long as he isn't sweary and rude, I'll cut him slack.

I don't think there's much chance of him rejecting a roast dinner either Grin

dottiedodah · 06/12/2021 09:16

Well thankfully she has found her feet now! Going to Uni is a huge change for many youngsters .Just leave her for a few days to settle in .Maybe see what food she likes and make that for her .See if she may like to cook one day . If you have any free time then maybe take her out somewhere ? Xmas Market or such .She will come round Im sure .

Cornonthecobblers · 06/12/2021 09:17

You sound like a brilliant mum and your dd is very lucky to have you. My dd started Uni last year and I too experienced the not wanting to come home, Uni was more fun etc. When she came home at Christmas she then didn’t go back until March because of lockdown and she was very unhappy about being at home. I must admit I was really hurt as she has a lovely home here and I do my best etc. But I’ve learned not to take it personally, they’re growing up and want to be independent. I remember being that age and it felt like such a come down when I returned home after having been away. That’s no reflection on my parents, but I now understand my mum must have been quite put out by some of the ways I behaved and things I may have said. It’s brilliant your dd has found her feet, that’s hugely down to you and she will look back one day and be ever so grateful.

eggandonion · 06/12/2021 09:17

Cambridge terms are very short, this is always mentioned on Oxbridge threads on budgeting.
It's a lovely city, and if she has friends still in their house she might feel a bit envious? (I feel a bit envious...although it gets dark really early, the colleges and shops look pretty!)

Tamrastarr · 06/12/2021 09:17

Your care and support worked exactly how it should have. You got her through the term and now she can survive independently. You are a great Mother and you should be proud of yourself. Just go along with her now, she is just showing her independence. And I also think children have pretty short memories Smile.

Warmduscher · 06/12/2021 09:19

When my dd came back from uni she was vile. I didn't tell her at the time, I just took deep breathes. She is now late 20's, and she now thinks she was vile looking back.

I hope in that conversation ten years after the event you told her you never thought she was vile; her behaviour was hard to live with at times but you knew it was a normal part of growing up? Or did you agree with her that you also thought she was vile? That must have been difficult for her to hear.

espressotogo · 06/12/2021 09:20

My DD was like this when she went to a 6th form boarding school. School was fun and exciting and being at home was boring. When she argued with her little brother she would say 'This is why I didn't want to come home' :( Its that initial excitement and novelty which does wear off to some extent so try not to be hurt by it. My DD is now in her first year at Uni and loves it but is really looking forward to coming home next week and being cooked for and looked after and we're looking forward to picking her up and spending a couple of days with her in her university town before heading home :)

HalfWomanHalfMincePie · 06/12/2021 09:20

This is classic first year at uni.

I believe I was the same Grin.

Be patient, OP. You'll get your thanks in a few years time. In the meantime, smile and let it wash over you. It's all just opart of her finding a big world out there and figuring out how she fits into it.

rrhuth · 06/12/2021 09:21

I think you should tell her that you are glad she has settled in, you want the best for her and feel very pleased she has now made friends - but she needs to knock the unpleasant remarks on the head as you only want her to come back if she wants to be there. I would suggest to her that she could always get a train back and then comes back again when she is ready?

Warmduscher · 06/12/2021 09:25

@rrhuth

I think you should tell her that you are glad she has settled in, you want the best for her and feel very pleased she has now made friends - but she needs to knock the unpleasant remarks on the head as you only want her to come back if she wants to be there. I would suggest to her that she could always get a train back and then comes back again when she is ready?
The OP has posted that she has to come home as her halls are now closed so if she went back she would have nowhere to live.
Original poster
toni06 · 06/12/2021 09:27

Thank you for putting it into perspective. The earliest she can go back is 4 days before planned, and that’s not a problem. I suppose I imagined it to be different, as every phone call in those few weeks was about wanting to be home. But, if she’d have been desperate to come home, we may have a different issue in 6 weeks time. I suppose I miss her and was glad to be needed during those 4 weeks, although I got no pleasure from hearing her so upset. We were very close and I just though we’d slip back into that, as if nothing had changed.

OP posts:
FabulouslyFab · 06/12/2021 09:27

Warmduscher
You having a bad day?

HalfWomanHalfMincePie · 06/12/2021 09:27

@Warmduscher

When my dd came back from uni she was vile. I didn't tell her at the time, I just took deep breathes. She is now late 20's, and she now thinks she was vile looking back.

I hope in that conversation ten years after the event you told her you never thought she was vile; her behaviour was hard to live with at times but you knew it was a normal part of growing up? Or did you agree with her that you also thought she was vile? That must have been difficult for her to hear.

TBF this might just be how different families operate.

I have been told I was vile. It wasn't difficult to hear - it was very funny and very accurate.

But I appreciate that I have the benefit of coming from a family that I 100% absolutely rock solidly know love me and for whom blunt words are a form of humour - so there was no barb to the word and no harm caused by it Xmas Grin

Chatwin · 06/12/2021 09:28

Totally normal, I was vile at that stage!

It's such a huge adjustment going to uni, making new friends - trying to fit in - working out who you are, all that independence... then you go home to your parents, and nothing at home has changed, while your whole world has gone upside down.

Hang in there, be available to her, but don't pander to her. She'll come back to you.

SantasGoodLittleGirl · 06/12/2021 09:30

It's university. One of it's functions is to separate you from your home community and bring you into the community of your peers. It filters out the brightest of working class communities, the potential leaders, thus preventing revolution. I learned that at... university.

CouldIhaveaword · 06/12/2021 09:31

@oneglassandpuzzled

It’s not unusual for them to be vile when they come home for the first Christmas. They are shattered and they know they can ‘relax’ into being horrible because you won’t reject them. It’s disappointing but it usually passes.
Many thanks for the warning. Mine is due to fly home tomorrow and the snappy attitude has already started on Whatsapp. The other is due to arrive a few days after. I'll try to temper my expectations. Xmas Wink
Original poster
toni06 · 06/12/2021 09:33

It’s a 6 hour train journey back to Cambridge and she’s no accommodation. Her friends in the house are all back home at weekend. Cambridge terms are so short.

OP posts:
rrhuth · 06/12/2021 09:34

@Warmduscher

When my dd came back from uni she was vile. I didn't tell her at the time, I just took deep breathes. She is now late 20's, and she now thinks she was vile looking back.

I hope in that conversation ten years after the event you told her you never thought she was vile; her behaviour was hard to live with at times but you knew it was a normal part of growing up? Or did you agree with her that you also thought she was vile? That must have been difficult for her to hear.

In order to have good relationships don't parents and children need to be able to have honest conversations?

Even if being unpleasant to your parents is a normal part of growing up, it is still surely OK to acknowledge years later it was unpleasant?

cooldarkroom · 06/12/2021 09:34

She's 19, it's entirely normal. She is bored & is bound to be missing her friends.I can remember this.
She can meet up with some of her friends over the break surely. Can she drive? if not get her a few driving lessons, it will give her something to aim for (visiting her friends)
If she doesn't want your food, thats fine, "I'll let you take care of your own" ... ignore it. Just let me know if you want to be counted in.
Ignore, Ignore... In a few years she will revert to being human

BrilliantBetty · 06/12/2021 09:35

She knows you're there for her. She knows you love her. She's just spreading her wings and it's exciting and new.

She'll be interested in you & home and family traditions once the new-ness and excitement wears of.

But this is good!! It could be so much worse if she continued to hate uni and left. Consider this a huge win for you, helping get her to this point.

Gastonia · 06/12/2021 09:36

Purely on practicalities, I think maybe she could have stayed on a week if she had paid for the accommodation, depending on the college. She might want to look into that in time for Easter. Grin

You could try a bit of role play, where you both change places, and re-enact the scene. We did that a few times, and ended up laughing.

rrhuth · 06/12/2021 09:38

It could be so much worse if she continued to hate uni and left. Consider this a huge win for you, helping get her to this point.

Agree with this! Make yourself a sticker chart and every time she moans about wanting to be back at uni, add a sticker - because she could have dropped out already if it wasn't for you.

Slowchimes · 06/12/2021 09:38

You have my sympathy op! This age group is my specialist subject currently! Grin Totally agree with everyone else. You sound like a terrific mum op and this is (unfortunately) part of normal development on your dd's part.

My advice to you would be to step back a bit. Don't be too keen on falling straight back in to full-on mum role. Sorry but you should not be regretting that you are working this week because you can't entertain an eighteen year old! That is a bit nuts! (Sorry! Smile) She can sort out her own entertainment!

Just as she has changed, you can change a bit. Be less hands on. Make it clear that you are enjoying having her back , but you are all adults living together now, and she needs to contribute, and don't react too emotionally to her comments. If she says she eats differently then just casually say she can cook a lot more for everyone. If she doesn't want to unpack, "right ho dear", it's up to you. Ditto her saying she wants to go back early "ah yes, I am sure you are missing your friends" and then be suddenly very interested and involved in your own activities. Don't show her you are hurt or upset, let it blow over you. Do some things over the next six weeks that you enjoy! Model well-being! She can join in or not! But make sure you take some time out with your friends op (COVID allowing)! That's an order! Grin

And suggest a list of tasks she can do, like putting up the decorations, making mince pies, icing the cake, delivering local cards, helping to volunteer at church, walking elderly neighbours dogs. Don't give her too much time to grumble Grin

I have a teen who is living between home and student pad ATM and have lots of her friends passing by currently and it's apparent that the pandemic has been really really hard on this age group. Many of the expeditions and trips they would normally have gone on in the past couple of years have been cancelled, in fact, pretty much everything my teen looked forward to at school was cancelled, and she basically spent two years in her bedroom studying on Zoom. So all of this has contributed to students leaving home a bit "younger" than normal, and it's been a bit harder for them to adapt to uni etc and returning back to home which reminds them of being stuck in their bedrooms is not great. So for that reason I would give her some slack. Which means you continue to be a solid support to her op, but not to indulge her if she is rude! Respond to the good and just completely ignore the bad is my strategy!

Good luck Flowers

Beautiful3 · 06/12/2021 09:39

You should be over the moon! You've done such a great job, supporting her. Now she finally feels happy and independent. She's naturally feeling like she doesn't want to be at home (which is perfectly normal, when returning home from independence). Encourage her to face time her friends and pop out to visit her local friends.

Warmduscher · 06/12/2021 09:39

But I appreciate that I have the benefit of coming from a family that I 100% absolutely rock solidly know love me and for whom blunt words are a form of humour - so there was no barb to the word and no harm caused by it

For sure - if describing someone as “vile” is seen as a form of humour in your family, of course it wouldn’t offend you. And maybe the OP would be happy to tell her daughter she’s vile too, who knows?

Not everyone does though, and as we know from the relationships board on here what some people feel is harmless banter is not always received that way by the person who’s struggling with their emotions.