19 year old daughter home from uni and it’s difficult

[toni06]

My daughter started at Cambridge in October. She’s my youngest so I was very upset when she left. It became clear within days that she was struggling, and we has 4 weeks of nightly 2 hour tearful phone calls. During that time I wrote, sent bit and bobs through the post, and supported her, just telling her to get through this term. Together we were counting the 9 week term down. We visited her at the 5 week point and there has been a sea change since then. She made friends, got a social life. Phone calls reduced and often when we rang she’d be busy. We picked her up for Christmas on Friday and this weekend has been awful. I was so excited about her coming home, and it’s quite obvious she doesn’t want to be here. When we arrived to get her, after 4 hour drive, she wasn’t there and had gone out for a coffee. She’s not been rude, but goes on about how amazing life is there, how everyone else is there for another week, how she might go back early. Just little comments like it’s not worth unpacking, as she’s not here for long. We cooked a Sunday dinner yesterday, to be told she doesn’t eat rich food anymore. I’m quite hurt as it’s as if those weeks of supporting her never happened. I want her to be happy at Cambridge, but I also want her to appreciate being at home. How do we get through the next 6 weeks? We stuff planned nearer to Christmas but this week I’m working so can’t do much with her.

As mum to two 20 year old, both at uni, honestly - take the win she is now enjoying uni life and breeze through any complaints. She wants to go back early- sure she can take the train so she doesn't interrupt your schedule. She doesn't eat rich food anymore - no worries she can find herself something else if needed. She is not crying down the phone each night that is all I would care about!

Cambridge is relevant to the situation for many reasons. Short, intense term. For us, a long way from home with no chance of my daughter popping home. Plus, she initially felt like a fish out of water. State educated, northern, mum a childminder, full grant plus a bursary. Very different than some of the people she met in those first few weeks.

I'm really impressed with how hard she worked in her year out, and managing to save so much too. In another year, she won't be a teenager any more, and next Christmas, I'm sure the dynamic will be different.

She doesn’t sound like she’s being that bad? The support you provided at the beginning of term sounds fairly standard. I think you’re expecting a bit much for her to display eternal gratitude. Would you rather she was weeping in her room telling you she’s going to drop out?

I was the same when I was in college OP. Hated going home and just loved the campus life. It never occurred to me that I might be hurting my parents feelings ☹️
I think that’s just growing up though! Now that I’m adult I like to call my parents at least once a week and we have a nice 1hr FaceTime catch up!

Oxbridge terms have always been shorter than most traditional universities which have 10 week terms in the main.
The newer unis might have even slightly longer terms, if they are ex-polys, for example.
I remember I was an absolute cow coming home for Christmas after my first term at university, and not at all happy about a four week-plus break. But I was in the throes of first love!
However DS, who is a very balanced individual, waved us goodbye without a backwards glance when we first dropped him at university, but was really pleased to be back especially to a well-stocked fridge and drinks cupboard at Christmas after a hectic but wonderful first term.

My husband found his first term hard there, first in the family to go to any sort of third level. And supervisor that term was very scary. He liked the subject, but just not that part of it.
It is very intense, especially finding mates who know where you're coming from! He was also far from home.
Take her to the supermarket, ask her what she wants to eat. Try and work out some sort of meal plan.

@FrancescaContini

I’ve just re-read the OP and can’t see how the DD being at Cambridge is relevant.

I still think she sounds ungrateful and not very mature. Agree that a year out in the “real world” before CAMBRIDGE working or travelling would have helped her develop some maturity.

@FrancescaContini she probably HAS developed some maturity but that doesn't mean it's a finished process! Some students struggle when starting university, that doesn't mean they lack maturity. Full maturity develops in time.

Hopefully 99% of posters are correct that this is a good sign she's settled in.

I would only caution that you should keep an eye on her and make sure it's not a case of protesting too much that everything is amazing at uni to cover up that it's actually not and there are deeper issues going on.

Either way, basic common courtesy in your house is a must. She's an adult and needs to act like it.

"She’s my youngest so I was very upset when she left. "

Maybe she fears being typecast as "the baby of the family" and thinks "shiiit I've reinforced the baby role by crying down the phone". Perhaps she got a slight vibe of "Darling! My chick is back in the nest! I've made a nice big Sunday dinner with extra Yorkshires for you, because you like Yorkshires don't you, and lemon meringue for pudding, because that's always been your favourite since you were little hasn't it, and your daddy has topped up your screenwash- do be careful on the roads if it gets icy- and I've got your favourite jimmy jams with the rabbits on ironed and warming on the radiator for you" and she's thinking fuckity fuck I'd better press the reset button now or I'll be stuck as the baby forever.

@toni06

Cambridge is relevant to the situation for many reasons. Short, intense term. For us, a long way from home with no chance of my daughter popping home. Plus, she initially felt like a fish out of water. State educated, northern, mum a childminder, full grant plus a bursary. Very different than some of the people she met in those first few weeks.

Totally understand @toni06

Some uni experiences are very different worlds

Great,she is happy at University now.she made friends and really rather wants to be with her new friends.you have supported her during her first few difficult weeks.so,you have both done well,why are you upset.isnt it more important your daughter is happy now.be happy with her for however long she decides to spend time with you.at some point,I am sure, she will thank you for your support.

First term at Oxbridge is always challenging - it's very smart, capable, often perfectionist people possibly the first time being pushed to the absolute limits of their abilities, and also sometimes facing finding out they're not the smartest person in the room when they always have been before. It's a shock to the system - I know some amazingly bright and motivated people who came close to throwing in the towel after a term at Oxford or Cambridge. But then they broke the back of that and had an amazing time.

Just let DD compress - it'll likely get much better from next term, which is what happened for people I know.

echobelly I was reading this thinking that the Cambridge thing was a bit of a red herring and not really relevant as all students have this sort of experience but you've made me realise something I hadnt considered. We struggle even at secondary school (I'm a teacher) with top set kids resilience and coping with failure so I guess a whole uni full of people suddenly realising they are one of many academically strong people , not one of a handful in a school must be tricky. I hadnt thought of that before!

@powershowerforanhour

"She’s my youngest so I was very upset when she left. "

Maybe she fears being typecast as "the baby of the family" and thinks "shiiit I've reinforced the baby role by crying down the phone". Perhaps she got a slight vibe of "Darling! My chick is back in the nest! I've made a nice big Sunday dinner with extra Yorkshires for you, because you like Yorkshires don't you, and lemon meringue for pudding, because that's always been your favourite since you were little hasn't it, and your daddy has topped up your screenwash- do be careful on the roads if it gets icy- and I've got your favourite jimmy jams with the rabbits on ironed and warming on the radiator for you" and she's thinking fuckity fuck I'd better press the reset button now or I'll be stuck as the baby forever.

If it helps, at all, my ds was vile about the dullness of home the first Christmas after starting uni . He appreciates it far more these day, and really misses it. When they get caught up in that first busy social whirl, home town is bound to pale into dullsville.

Also I think it's absolutely typical to reject the home diet in favour of what they see their new friends eating. All mine did it initially, with jibes about how my chilli was not spicy enough, and whole chillis added by the packet load 😄🤣. It's surely about differentiating.

[quote Lois345]@FrancescaContini How is any of this relevant to the OP's post? Are you jealous?[/quote]
No, not at all. Am very familiar with the short, intense terms and the total headfuckery of emptying rooms of everything three times a year.

Still don’t feel the location is relevant to the OP’s issue, but we can differ on our interpretation of it.

Still don’t feel the location is relevant to the OP’s issue, but we can differ on our interpretation of it

@FrancescaContini silly to differ in opinion, when you are WRONG. The location is absolutely relevant - the OP’s DD can’t easily stay in touch with those who are still local to the uni. Cambridge has very short terms and long holidays compared to other universities. ALL massively relevant. If you can’t see that, maybe no point posting? Also you suggested the OP’s daughter should have taken a year out to work AFTER OP had said she’d worked for a year and saved £20k.

Re your final sentence: actually, it’s the other way round.

@powershowerforanhour

"She’s my youngest so I was very upset when she left. "

Maybe she fears being typecast as "the baby of the family" and thinks "shiiit I've reinforced the baby role by crying down the phone". Perhaps she got a slight vibe of "Darling! My chick is back in the nest! I've made a nice big Sunday dinner with extra Yorkshires for you, because you like Yorkshires don't you, and lemon meringue for pudding, because that's always been your favourite since you were little hasn't it, and your daddy has topped up your screenwash- do be careful on the roads if it gets icy- and I've got your favourite jimmy jams with the rabbits on ironed and warming on the radiator for you" and she's thinking fuckity fuck I'd better press the reset button now or I'll be stuck as the baby forever.

Drifted off into a fantasy of someone warming my rabbit jimmy jams on the radiator for me, there ...

she's thinking fuckity fuck I'd better press the reset button now or I'll be stuck as the baby forever.

When I was 15 we visited my grandparents (in another country, before the days of cheap easy international travel) and my grandmother told my father to wrap up warm and wear his scarf. He was 45.

OP warn your DD - there is no reset button.

Anyway it sounds as if you and your DD will be fine. Hope you have a lovely Christmas and don't worry about a bit of grumbling/drama.

Drifted off into a fantasy of someone warming my rabbit jimmy jams on the radiator for me, there ...
Me too. Even into my 20s, my nan would say, "Look, Cat, there's a plane!" and point at the sky for me.

It’s readjusting to being home. DD was different the first Christmas but each return has shot better and she’s now 3rd year. Hopeful it means she’s made that leap and is starting to detach from you as her unit. I think it shows development. They come home with all these new ideas. I’ve learnt to just smile and show interest and not get into arguments, it must be quite a difficult adjustment.

@powershowerforanhour

"She’s my youngest so I was very upset when she left. "

Maybe she fears being typecast as "the baby of the family" and thinks "shiiit I've reinforced the baby role by crying down the phone". Perhaps she got a slight vibe of "Darling! My chick is back in the nest! I've made a nice big Sunday dinner with extra Yorkshires for you, because you like Yorkshires don't you, and lemon meringue for pudding, because that's always been your favourite since you were little hasn't it, and your daddy has topped up your screenwash- do be careful on the roads if it gets icy- and I've got your favourite jimmy jams with the rabbits on ironed and warming on the radiator for you" and she's thinking fuckity fuck I'd better press the reset button now or I'll be stuck as the baby forever.

Ouch. You are not far off describing how I treated DS2 after he left and came back. I have learned to back off now. But at first, I really was like this (minus calling pyjamas jimmy jams)