19 year old daughter home from uni and it’s difficult

[toni06]

My daughter started at Cambridge in October. She’s my youngest so I was very upset when she left. It became clear within days that she was struggling, and we has 4 weeks of nightly 2 hour tearful phone calls. During that time I wrote, sent bit and bobs through the post, and supported her, just telling her to get through this term. Together we were counting the 9 week term down. We visited her at the 5 week point and there has been a sea change since then. She made friends, got a social life. Phone calls reduced and often when we rang she’d be busy. We picked her up for Christmas on Friday and this weekend has been awful. I was so excited about her coming home, and it’s quite obvious she doesn’t want to be here. When we arrived to get her, after 4 hour drive, she wasn’t there and had gone out for a coffee. She’s not been rude, but goes on about how amazing life is there, how everyone else is there for another week, how she might go back early. Just little comments like it’s not worth unpacking, as she’s not here for long. We cooked a Sunday dinner yesterday, to be told she doesn’t eat rich food anymore. I’m quite hurt as it’s as if those weeks of supporting her never happened. I want her to be happy at Cambridge, but I also want her to appreciate being at home. How do we get through the next 6 weeks? We stuff planned nearer to Christmas but this week I’m working so can’t do much with her.

@50ShadesOfCatholic

well you sound like a bloody nice mum. well done for supporting her so well through those difficult weeks. now the difficulty in letting go is yours. she's clumsy of course, but she's excited about her new life and also wants you to know that she is succeeding. it won't even occur to her that you'll be hurt because you've done such a good job of letting her go that she feels she can. but you need to pull her up on rudeness by asking her to contribute to meal preparation etc especially if she is going to be picky!

This sums up what I was about to post. She is happy there now, which is brilliant. In relation to food, I would breezily tell her to sort it out for herself, and just cook for yourself and whoever else you usually include.

Agree wholeheartedly when she mentions going back early, and tell her to look up trains. It was bad manners on her part to be out when you arrived to collect her, imo.

She will be flying the nest completely in the next few years so it's practice for the future, I guess.

I would see behaviour as normal and positive. She has found her tribe at university and wants to make the most of the opportunities to mix that have been offered.

My youngest is still at Cambridge and it is absolutely the norm to stay on for ninth week every term and to return early the following term. Only freshers stick to the dates given by college - and then usually only for the first term. Those days outside full term are usually the best because there is no pressure to attend lectures/tutorials and you can mix with friends.

Most colleges facilitate vacation residence so you do not have to move out just because term has ended.There used to be a bit of pressure to move out of college at the end of the Christmas term because the rooms were needed for interviewees, but interviews are on line this year so this is no longer the case.

Young people grow up at university. That is one of the big effects of being away from home. The DD who went in October is now a different person and it will not be possible to turn the clock back.

Is this your first experience of Cambridge? It is unbelievably intense with lots of intense young people. It’s not called the bubble for nothing.
The terms are ridiculously short and vacations too long. Assuming she has a term time only contract, you will have completely emptied her college room of all her belongings so she is home, at least not in Cam, until late January.
Are you in London? A large majority of UK students sadly seem to come from London and the Home Counties making it easy for her to meet up with friends if you are too but trickier if not.
I’d give her a week to sleep and de-stress with no expectations then have a sensible conversation about some new ground rules.

She has had to be on her ‘best’ behaviour all term and home is the place she can unfortunately releases all of the stress she has built up over the last 8 weeks.
I think Cam has been even more intense this term as it’s been the first term that things have actually been happening properly since the pandemic.
She still needs you. Be tolerant and patient for a week.

I'm glad to hear your DD has settled.

After four weeks of nightly two-hour tearful phone calls, I would be popping the champagne corks.

OP, this is so normal. Allow her her freedom to go off into the big world and define her 'new self' and personality.

There may be aspects you are surprised at and can even be hurtful at times. But allow her the freedom to discover more about who she is.

She will come back to you but only if you allow her the freedom. Too much fuss and she will see you as public enemy number one.

Of course that's not to say being rude is allowed. But her need to become an adult and an individual is important and as a parent you must support that.

This is only the beginning.... She will come back to you - but maybe around the age of 26 or 27! Maybe earlier, maybe later - but just be there to pick up the pieces when you are needed and she will know she is truly loved.

I'd be thrilled that she's so happy and has found a group of friends. As parent of a child with SNs, this would fill my heart if my DC ever managed to do this. You don't know how lucky you are. Please try to get it into perspective.

The only other thing is that I read from your words you are strongly bonded to your daughter which is wonderful but make sure you have your own life and own interests. My parents were too busy working to keep money on the table to worry too much about how I was getting on at uni. I barely saw them both. But the good thing about that was that I had a lot of freedom to be me and they were too busy to notice changes or get upset. They just went with the flow...

Oh, and vacation residence might be possible but they certainly charge for every additional night outside the contract dates, so not an option for most without deep pockets.

Its so difficult, isnt it? I really do sympathise. Bite your tongue and allow her to be who she is choosing to be right now. Give it a few months and you'll get your girl back.

I remember when my daughter came home from uni for her first Christmas I was so excited. So happy. And by January I was bloody pleased she was going back!

Its all sorted out now; all calmed down. Our relationship is back on track. Not how it used to be...better if I'm honest. But it was tough at the time.

for you

Now I've been relegated to some vague form of white noise in the background of his life

That's so accurate.

Op, Uni is a process of change and I think over the next few years she will "try out" different versions of herself. I had it with mine...on reflection I thinks it's natural. Had they remained cute/lovely we would want them with us forever but their rejection of us is a developmental step to living independently.

We had the separation phase (which feels horrible if you have been close) but now back to a lovely relationship. We couldn't live together full time, which again feels natural.

Be glad that she's now settled and happy OP, she will soon get into the swing of being back at home.

One of mine was very unhappy in his first term of uni, messaged me constantly and ended up not going back in January as he was so unhappy. Fortunately it all worked out well for him (he reapplied for a different uni/course to start the following Sept) I remember feeling my heart sink every time my phone beeped and just wishing he was happy and settled.

Now he's very happy doing his phd and I never hear from him, so I moan about that. Poor bloke can't win!

I was vile to my poor dad at that stage. I'm embarrassed at the recollection of my attitude.

If she's acting like this, I'd think she's really stressed and needs to wind down.

DD2 came home after a failed relationship ended and it took us weeks to find a level of comfort where we could live together again.

There are some really horrid replies on here.

I remember my best friend coming back after her first term and my whole family thinking she’d become a complete arse. Pretentious, full of jargon, utterly uninterested in the world outside her uni. She mellowed out hugely by the end of the first year. You may not have to wait until she’s 26 as pp have mentioned!

Do remember that somewhere like Cambridge is utterly knackering and you have to live and work with a small group of people and be “on” all the time when you’re getting to know them as well as having a huge workload. Honestly I’d just assume she needs this week to sleep it off and leave her to do her own thing for a week and let it all be water off a duck’s back.

My only word of caution would be do keep an eye on her eating to make sure “no rich foods” isn’t code for something worse.

@Ozanj

Whose idea was it to return early hers or yours?

No choice. Her halls shut this weekend. Her friends are in a house.

When I left for Uni, I found the first couple of weeks daunting and missed my mum and the normal life I knew a lot. But by Christmas break I had settled in and made friends, so going back home felt like it wasn’t normal life anymore. What I would suggest is to let her have as much independence as possible, as others have suggested, ask her if she’d like to organise and cook dinner a few times. I hated when I went home and everything was on someone else’s schedule, when we ate, what we ate, everything we would be doing. Admittedly it was a bit selfish as my mum just wanted to be my mum in our normal setting again but I had had that taste of independence. I promise you, one day home with you will be the place she is most excited to be.

I had exactly this with DD at the end of year one. It’s heartbreaking. I have coped by distancing myself and busying myself with hobbies. It’s very hard though, they know how to pull on our heartstrings x

Honestly this is so so normal , they have had a whole term of being told they need to be independent and now they are back in the family and being treated,in their eyes, as a child. In addition they are tired , probably run down and not entirely healthy, missing the constant stimulation of having friends everywhere , and desperately trying to demonstrate to you how independent they are whilst secretly pleased to be home.

My ds will be back next weekend , I am confidently expecting him to tired, grumpy and ill but we will get through it and by the next holiday he will be much more settled.

I know it feels hurtful, but try to feel pleased. This is far far better than the alternative, an unhappy, clingy child who drops out of uni. Maybe you should have a good think about how you can enrich your own life, so you don't feel quite so invested in hers, or her behaviour. Absolutely don't take any crap from her, and expect her to help out, etc, but do focus on things that bring you joy, independent of your kids.

@Normando91 I hate to admit that I still sometimes find that hard even now as a big adult. Being told that I can’t do a load of washing because it doesn’t fit in with the “washing schedule” or that “there’s no point cooking lunch” when I’m starving! It’s the transition to being a guest in your own home, it’s odd. Patience on both sides.

@Ormally

When terms are that short, it absolutely flashes by, and yes, there is usually categorically no chance of extending to stay on unless you have secured a job for the college like Housekeeping (which would still mean decamping from the room you pay for, to somewhere else, and which would usually only be up for grabs in Summer). She will have been squeezing in Christmassy things at the end of November with her friends - it feels weird to have most of a month left before you can do the family Christmas and focus on term 2. There is time to go and see some friends, though not the whole crowd you want to see because they will all be dispersed, and even then, it can be a bit awkward inviting yourself as there will be a few who will try to do that. Could she have a friend over to hers/yours between Christmas and New Year for a couple of days?

Yes this is a bit of a problem. They celebrated ‘Bridgemas’ on November 25th and it’s been parties, formal meals and Carol services ever since. And at home it’s just boring life carrying on as usual. Fortunately one of her new friends lives a bus ride away from here. But she’s not back yet. It will be good when she is.

Sounds to me like she’s met someone and is in the throes of early love. Possibly too early to confide in you about.

Let her enjoy it. And don’t try to make her eat too much if she doesn’t want to - she’s maybe feeling self conscious about her body!

@FabulouslyFab

Warmduscher You having a bad day?

Hear hear.

@CamQ

Is this your first experience of Cambridge? It is unbelievably intense with lots of intense young people. It’s not called the bubble for nothing. The terms are ridiculously short and vacations too long. Assuming she has a term time only contract, you will have completely emptied her college room of all her belongings so she is home, at least not in Cam, until late January. Are you in London? A large majority of UK students sadly seem to come from London and the Home Counties making it easy for her to meet up with friends if you are too but trickier if not. I’d give her a week to sleep and de-stress with no expectations then have a sensible conversation about some new ground rules.

She has had to be on her ‘best’ behaviour all term and home is the place she can unfortunately releases all of the stress she has built up over the last 8 weeks.
I think Cam has been even more intense this term as it’s been the first term that things have actually been happening properly since the pandemic.
She still needs you. Be tolerant and patient for a week.

Yes it is. My older daughter went to Manchester which is close and we saw her all the time. We are north of Manchester and yes many of her new friends are London or the south. Yes she’s had to clear out her room and is home for 6 weeks.

Be glad she made it through and seems to have settled there. I'm sure it will balance out once she's been with you for a few days.

I was that girl 20 years ago! I could not atand being at home for more than 48 hours. I was just horrible. But now as a respectable grown adult I have a great relationship with my parents and visit often. She will grow out of it.just be proud that she has stuck the first term and is spreading her wings

You clearly did a really great job of supporting her! It's her first term, all students come back from uni a bit snooty about being home. I know I certainly did. Of course uni life is better, shes completely free! You wait until the second year exam stress kicks in, she'll be back needing your hugs. Hopefully she'll settle down and you'll have a lovely Christmas x