19 year old daughter home from uni and it’s difficult

[toni06]

My daughter started at Cambridge in October. She’s my youngest so I was very upset when she left. It became clear within days that she was struggling, and we has 4 weeks of nightly 2 hour tearful phone calls. During that time I wrote, sent bit and bobs through the post, and supported her, just telling her to get through this term. Together we were counting the 9 week term down. We visited her at the 5 week point and there has been a sea change since then. She made friends, got a social life. Phone calls reduced and often when we rang she’d be busy. We picked her up for Christmas on Friday and this weekend has been awful. I was so excited about her coming home, and it’s quite obvious she doesn’t want to be here. When we arrived to get her, after 4 hour drive, she wasn’t there and had gone out for a coffee. She’s not been rude, but goes on about how amazing life is there, how everyone else is there for another week, how she might go back early. Just little comments like it’s not worth unpacking, as she’s not here for long. We cooked a Sunday dinner yesterday, to be told she doesn’t eat rich food anymore. I’m quite hurt as it’s as if those weeks of supporting her never happened. I want her to be happy at Cambridge, but I also want her to appreciate being at home. How do we get through the next 6 weeks? We stuff planned nearer to Christmas but this week I’m working so can’t do much with her.

@Gastonia

Purely on practicalities, I think maybe she could have stayed on a week if she had paid for the accommodation, depending on the college. She might want to look into that in time for Easter.

You could try a bit of role play, where you both change places, and re-enact the scene. We did that a few times, and ended up laughing.

The halls are let out to tourists. She couldn’t stay on and we had to clear out her room. So even coming home on the train isn’t an option. But she could stay a few extra days with her friends with houses at Easter

I’d be turning somersaults to know that my child had settled after a difficult start.

Whose idea was it to return early hers or yours?

I can see why you are disappointed OP, but at least you know she now feels happy & settled with her life at Uni. If I was in your position I would love to hear all about it, the friends she has made etc.

Imagine if she was still upset and not wanting to return to Uni, that would be much worse.

Try not to let it upset you.

It's fine that she's finding herself and testing out her new self with you. It's not fine that she's not there when you have driven 4 hours. And it's not fine that she doesn't tell you about her new diet until after you've cooked dinner. I think you need to sit her down and say that you're happy she has made friends, and you're looking forward to learning more about her healthy diet. But that doesn't mean she can take you for granted.

@Warmduscher

But I appreciate that I have the benefit of coming from a family that I 100% absolutely rock solidly know love me and for whom blunt words are a form of humour - so there was no barb to the word and no harm caused by it

For sure - if describing someone as “vile” is seen as a form of humour in your family, of course it wouldn’t offend you. And maybe the OP would be happy to tell her daughter she’s vile too, who knows?

Not everyone does though, and as we know from the relationships board on here what some people feel is harmless banter is not always received that way by the person who’s struggling with their emotions.

Oh stop it.

The relationship boards are not full of 'I had a brilliant time at home and once my mum used the word vile', they are full of long-term toxic relationships.

There will be a bit of an elastic band going on for the first year. It's such a rollercoaster. One minute she's grown up and has loads of friends and is waaaaaay too busy for you, the next she is crying on the phone because she doesn't understand her bank statement.

You can do two things:

1. force her to grow up and be independent, take a step back and say ok, you've got this on your own. Stop coddling her, don't sit on the phone for hours, don't pick her up and do hours of driving, don't make her special meals without asking her etc. Treat her like an adult.

or

2. Carry on being super supportive and caring, even though it'll take time and energy from you, let her comments slide off you and just be there when she needs you. But be prepared for her to pull away from this.

I think its brilliant. She has found her feet and is happy. What a relief. It's not about being ungrateful. Much better this way around. Honestly.

@toni06

Thank you for putting it into perspective. The earliest she can go back is 4 days before planned, and that’s not a problem. I suppose I imagined it to be different, as every phone call in those few weeks was about wanting to be home. But, if she’d have been desperate to come home, we may have a different issue in 6 weeks time. I suppose I miss her and was glad to be needed during those 4 weeks, although I got no pleasure from hearing her so upset. We were very close and I just though we’d slip back into that, as if nothing had changed.

She's a young woman who is having a great time, by the sound of it! And she's home, she's in contact. All good.

I can imagine it's hard to feel you're not as close - I was very not close to my family from late teens to about mid/late twenties. Going out to see the world. A natural part of growing up, perhaps? I came back eventually. Still close.

Roots to grow, wings to fly, as the saying goes. It's part of the point of parenting, I suppose, bittersweet as it seems, is to help them to grow and function without you.

When terms are that short, it absolutely flashes by, and yes, there is usually categorically no chance of extending to stay on unless you have secured a job for the college like Housekeeping (which would still mean decamping from the room you pay for, to somewhere else, and which would usually only be up for grabs in Summer).
She will have been squeezing in Christmassy things at the end of November with her friends - it feels weird to have most of a month left before you can do the family Christmas and focus on term 2. There is time to go and see some friends, though not the whole crowd you want to see because they will all be dispersed, and even then, it can be a bit awkward inviting yourself as there will be a few who will try to do that.
Could she have a friend over to hers/yours between Christmas and New Year for a couple of days?

Warmduscher you are quite determined to be hurt on other people's behalf, even when they have said they are not! It sounds as though the teens on this thread have very understanding and supportive parents. Perhaps save your angst for those who don't?

One of my DCs was so rude and snappy with me during that first university Christmas break I said ‘are you sure you can’t go back a bit sooner? Maybe I’ll go and stay in your halls for a week instead!’ She did improve a bit after I said it

It sounds like she’s quite immature emotionally and, because she’s your youngest, you may have mollycoddled her a bit. Hopefully she will mature a bit more over the next few months and settle into university life.

The first Xmas they come home from uni is a challenge. Their world has expanded and home is the same, and its all part of the phase of separation into becoming an adult. Take a deep breath, sink some Baileys, and it will pass. But do tell her off if she steps over the line of rudeness.
I remember acting like a right idiot my first year away but grew up and out of it. I apologised to my DM when my first DC came back from Uni (a bit tardy I know!) DM always said in exasperation when I was a teenager "just wait until you have kids!"

OP this is normal. And I agree it is hurtful to us, especially if they have been struggling as all our maternal instincts go on high alert and don't switch off when they settle in. But the fact she wants to be there not at home is a sign of your success at helping her launch into the adult world. Both my DC have been a bit like this. I had a little pang when I saw DS1's best friend, back from uni last weekend, when DS, at the same uni, has no plans to come home for another two weeks. But at the same time, I'm glad he's happy. And DS2 who had an awful start to uni last year in lockdown won't be home until 20th as he is so busy socialising.

Try not to feel upset by it. Enjoy your own plans for Christmas with friends and partner, and just enjoy the time you have with her, however brief. Far better this way round than crying and lonely and not wanting to return.

I'm so pleased she's settled - the transition to university can be so hard.

The first break at home is also very taxing. She's finally creating her own life and wants to show to you that she's independent. Please don't take it personally. Just let her be herself. She will fine home boring by comparison - that's as it should be. Her whole life is opening up in front of her and it's an exciting time.

She's able to behave like this because she knows you are there no matter what. Oddly, this so your "reward" for being so supportive at first.

Whatever you do, don't say anything critical about her new life. I had a boyfriend come to stay for a few days in that first Xmas - it was a mistake to bring him home so early but also my parents reacted terribly and it drove me away for a while and I stopped coming home except in the summer pretty much.

Try to just be happy for her and encouraging, and please do not see any of this as a reflection on how she feels about you.

I think part of you needs to be happy that she's settled in and actually wants to be there with her friends (we went through the struggle when DD moved out at 16 for sixth form scholarship - no way she was coming back but wasn't settled).

Sadly for us it's part of growing up, at some point they move out, start to make their own way in life in terms of how they deal with situations (but they are still young and don't always manage as well as us). When home DD stays up until 2am, used to drive us mad but we just accept it now as she doesn't disturb us. She started to have her own ideas about food, so I started to tell her what I was cooking and if she doesn't want it, to do something herself. A year on, she actually goes out and buys a couple of bags of food (out of her own money) to cook meals for herself/make her lunch (usually 2/3 portions so there's always something in the fridge if she doesn't want our option) with extras she/we might fancy. This works out well as she has lots of local friends still and isn't always home at our meal times. Often cooks for us as well (always veggie though, so it does get easier. You'll get past this, and soon be proud of what she's achieved in life.

She’s being a bit selfish. She’s forgotten all the support you gave her, the emotional toll the phone calls took on you knowing your child was upset and so far from home, the thoughtfulness of sending her things to cheer her up. But she is a teenager, and her behaviour sounds quite normal.

As a parent I’m sure you’d rather she be happy at uni, so busy she forgets to call you and enjoying herself than sat alone miserable and homesick. It would be nice for her to come home and want to spend time with you but the alternative is worse. By the time she is in her second and third year the novelty of this new and exciting social life may wear off, she may be happier to come home and be around her family. She probably has fear of missing out at the moment.

I’m sure she loves you and appreciates everything you have done for her. Just put it down to a teenage brain that isn’t fully developed.

@Slowchimes

Warmduscher you are quite determined to be hurt on other people's behalf, even when they have said they are not! It sounds as though the teens on this thread have very understanding and supportive parents. Perhaps save your angst for those who don't?

Some people just like to hijack the thread and make it all about them. Rather than about the Op and her feelings. And everyone else who has been in the same situation with a child back from uni.

I think that the problem is that your DD has moved/is moving on but you’re still in the same place, I remember it all too well with DD although it didn’t happen to such a degree with DS.
I too had a DD who needed a lot of support from a distance when she started university, and I do remember that her visits home entailed an enormous amounts of tongue biting on my part!

She’s a grown women, she’s an adult. You say she’s not rude or cheeky etc so what’s the problem? Is it because you expect her to be over the moon to be home with you? And you’re pissed off because she’s not?

Surely it’s better that she’s happier at uni now (to the point she’d be happy to go back earlier?)

Why are you making it about you? Your wants, needs etc…

What is it with threads about mothers that get upset if they’re child is happy to go it alone?! That’s you’re job as a parent. Just be happy you have a healthy, bright daughter…..

I’d say this is good news!! She is being indépendant - don’t take it personally. She has learnt to be selfish with her time (the joys of being a student!) and habits are hard to break. She’s still very young and as a pp has said- she will come back to you. It’s a time full of change and transition for her; the last chapter of ‘growing up’. I was all over the place at uni. My parents were never the type to come and collect me and if they had I’d probably have moaned at them 😁 I think you’ve done a great job and she’s flying the nest chapter by chapter so please be reassured as it means you have succeeded in the ultimate end goal 😌 xo

@Warmduscher

When my dd came back from uni she was vile. I didn't tell her at the time, I just took deep breathes. She is now late 20's, and she now thinks she was vile looking back.

I hope in that conversation ten years after the event you told her you never thought she was vile; her behaviour was hard to live with at times but you knew it was a normal part of growing up? Or did you agree with her that you also thought she was vile? That must have been difficult for her to hear.

OH FGS will you just stop ? How many times are you going to go on about this ? It's not your thread !

She hasn't been rude so what's the problem? Just let her get on with it. She'll have to amuse herself while you are busy, she'll probably figure out for herself that she still has friends locally. Actually she should be busy and have plenty of work to do, Oxbridge terms are short but they usually set vacation work. Some students stay an extra week in halls at each end of term to work/socialise though that might not be available in all collleges.

The stuff about not wanting our food is surprisingly hurtful. I asked DS1 if there were any favourite recipes he wanted me to cook when he got home. He said not really. Maybe one of dad's curries, and he was looking forward to cooking his own pasta. Part of me was heartbroken that my 18 years of loving fresh home cooking hadn't had an impact on him. But I think he was just being honest. He's outgrowing us right now, as he should. At least DS2 still misses my cooking!

When I look back I was probably a real PITA as well and probably even vile at times . Sadly they are all at that age where they know everything and are very self centred . It's life but it's hurtful at times. I don't know about "holding your tongue " - I think it is well worth saying something like " we are so happy you have settled and so happy you are home " .