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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

19 year old daughter home from uni and it’s difficult

228 replies

toni06 · 06/12/2021 08:25

My daughter started at Cambridge in October. She’s my youngest so I was very upset when she left. It became clear within days that she was struggling, and we has 4 weeks of nightly 2 hour tearful phone calls. During that time I wrote, sent bit and bobs through the post, and supported her, just telling her to get through this term. Together we were counting the 9 week term down. We visited her at the 5 week point and there has been a sea change since then. She made friends, got a social life. Phone calls reduced and often when we rang she’d be busy. We picked her up for Christmas on Friday and this weekend has been awful. I was so excited about her coming home, and it’s quite obvious she doesn’t want to be here. When we arrived to get her, after 4 hour drive, she wasn’t there and had gone out for a coffee. She’s not been rude, but goes on about how amazing life is there, how everyone else is there for another week, how she might go back early. Just little comments like it’s not worth unpacking, as she’s not here for long. We cooked a Sunday dinner yesterday, to be told she doesn’t eat rich food anymore. I’m quite hurt as it’s as if those weeks of supporting her never happened. I want her to be happy at Cambridge, but I also want her to appreciate being at home. How do we get through the next 6 weeks? We stuff planned nearer to Christmas but this week I’m working so can’t do much with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
toni06 · 06/12/2021 10:58

@Doyouwantcoffee

I would see behaviour as normal and positive. She has found her tribe at university and wants to make the most of the opportunities to mix that have been offered.

My youngest is still at Cambridge and it is absolutely the norm to stay on for ninth week every term and to return early the following term. Only freshers stick to the dates given by college - and then usually only for the first term. Those days outside full term are usually the best because there is no pressure to attend lectures/tutorials and you can mix with friends.

Most colleges facilitate vacation residence so you do not have to move out just because term has ended.There used to be a bit of pressure to move out of college at the end of the Christmas term because the rooms were needed for interviewees, but interviews are on line this year so this is no longer the case.

Young people grow up at university. That is one of the big effects of being away from home. The DD who went in October is now a different person and it will not be possible to turn the clock back.

That’s interesting to know. Do most stay on later and go back early? Her friends in the house are 2nd years and know the ropes.
OP posts:
HotMummaSummer · 06/12/2021 11:03

I'd just be happy she's happy.

I wanted to go to a university that was far away from home and stayed with my friends there sometimes after term had ended. My parents are lovely and easy to be around but being home was an adjustment after unlimited freedom!
After my first term of uni I went to leave my family home to head to a party and my mum asked where I was going... I found it so strange as she hadn't known what I was up for the past couple of month every evening! Really she was just being lovely and wondered if I wanted dinner Grin

Insert1x20p · 06/12/2021 11:06

She is now late 20's, and she now thinks she was vile looking back.

I was definitely vile when I came back after my first term at Cambridge. Amazed my parents didn't secretly move house before Easter to escape my twattiness.

Insert1x20p · 06/12/2021 11:08

Do most stay on later and go back early?

May be different now but most colleges allowed 10 weeks per term of occupancy, so a full week before and after included in the term's rent and then anything outside that was charged nightly - however, there were allowances for people doing college related things like sports training camps or retaking their failed exams Grin

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 06/12/2021 11:14

Doesn't every student spend their first Xmas home being dreadful to their folks and ditching their home town boyfriend? Grin

halloweenie13 · 06/12/2021 11:20

She's being deluded, most of her friends will welcome the break and be home for quite some time as home comforts are always preferred and she will be lonely back there without anyone else. If they are in each others pockets for now they wont be by the end of the year, almost everyone I know wasn't friends with the same people in first year in second; third and after university, started going home more and spending more time studying especially with oxbridge.

viques · 06/12/2021 11:23

Do you remember when she started infant school? How worried and anxious you were? And how within a few weeks you realised that she was talking about people and events that for the first time in her life you didn’t know about, how the opinions of these strangers, teachers and children suddenly seemed to matter as much or even more to her than your opinions? And then it was secondary school. Rinse and repeat.

You survived, she survived, part of the way we can measure our children’s progress is how our they face the world, new challenges and adapt . You’ve done a good job, she is finding her feet, now she has to realise that she has several worlds to negotiate, worlds which make different demands on her emotionally , intellectually and physically. This will dawn on her in a couple of days as she reconnects with old friends and listens to their stories and remembers that she too has a family as well as a new exciting life at university.

Zilla1 · 06/12/2021 11:28

Congratulations on supporting your DD through what might have been a difficult transition and achieving your and her goal of being happy at her university and next stage of life. Don't lose sight of the bigger picture.

Some students stay around College pretty much permanently, some return home as soon as Term ends and most somewhat in between. Try not to take it personally.

Good luck.

JustLikea · 06/12/2021 11:29

Can't she hang out with her old friends from home?

I loved coming home at Christmas to see my school friends and their families and just mooching around with my parents. I spent a lot of time in the local pubs as I recall

YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 11:32

Her other friends won't be home yet @JustLikea - if they went to the red bricks or other unis there's at least one more week of lectures left

Goldbar · 06/12/2021 11:36

She has gone through a huge transition and had an incredibly busy and stressful term with lots of highs and lows.

After that, home is bound to be something of a let-down - it's no reflection on you or the rest of her family. It's been 2/3 days. Give her a chance to readjust and get into her home routines again. And accept that she will have changed... living independently away from home is a huge step and it's bound to have had an impact.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/12/2021 11:39

This is very normal OP. Be thrilled that she has now settled and enjoys it so much. It's a big transition for them, and for you!

My DD is in her third year, her whole life is now in her uni city, she has a job there, loads of friends and is thriving. I do miss her terribly, we visit, she occasionally pops 'home', but I'm happy that she's so happy. I doubt she'll ever come back here properly again, she intends to get a full time job there when she graduates. I'd rather this than her being unhappy with her choice and pining for home. I do, however, draw the line at slagging off my food and our home town Grin.

fuckoffImcounting · 06/12/2021 11:42

Its great that she has found her feet - don't be hurt by it - be glad - she will come back to you.

Volterra · 06/12/2021 11:42

2 years on my DD still occasionally randomly apologises for Christmas 2019, she doesn’t have the excuse of it being her first year either! I’ve totally moved on and am waiting for DS to have his turn next year.

I find that at the start they revert to a younger teenager when they get back but then you all settle into parent and adult child roles in time.

RowanAlong · 06/12/2021 11:43

She has, with your help, adjusted to life pretty quickly at one of the best universities in the world. Teething problems are surely to be expected - just encourage her to go go go and make the most of it! It’s natural and wonderful that she’s a bit full of her new life (weren’t your other children when they left?)... that’s par for the course at 18.

Not easy for you, but give it time, it’ll all shake down and she’ll appreciate your help more as time goes on. If you think she’s been a bit ungrateful you could have a gentle chat, but if she’s usually otherwise a nice person, I’d let it go and focus on your own new life.

RowanAlong · 06/12/2021 11:44

Ps the rich food thing is funny, she’s getting airs and graces 😁😁

crochetmonkey74 · 06/12/2021 11:44

I am remembering me arriving home - my first 6 weeks of uni I was desperately homesick- crying on phone every night

Cut to the Christmas holiday when I can clearly remember putting dance music on and dancing in the living room like I was at a rave (it was about 11am) whilst saying everything was boring in my hometown and I just wanted to dance. My sister and her friend just stared at me and my lovely mum just said ' oh right - well dance yourself upstairs and strip the beds'
I am cringing out of my arse just thinking about it

Peaseblossum22 · 06/12/2021 11:48

@crochetmonkey74

I am remembering me arriving home - my first 6 weeks of uni I was desperately homesick- crying on phone every night

Cut to the Christmas holiday when I can clearly remember putting dance music on and dancing in the living room like I was at a rave (it was about 11am) whilst saying everything was boring in my hometown and I just wanted to dance. My sister and her friend just stared at me and my lovely mum just said ' oh right - well dance yourself upstairs and strip the beds'
I am cringing out of my arse just thinking about it

This made me laugh out loud Grin
Ormally · 06/12/2021 11:50

Yes - in the first term you end up living just for you and the same generation you're with. Then you're put back with family where you have to rub along. Interestingly, I've stayed up a time or 2 to do Christmasses in the university town where I was - dominated by the university - and without the work or the usual friends of term time, it was a big letdown and nothing like your imaginings. International students sometimes stay - can be a bit aimless unless you are very driven (and even then, you need a rest).

ilssagain · 06/12/2021 11:51

Have a chat with her and establish some ground rules.
If she doesn't want to eat the family meals then she can cook for herself (and pay for the ingredients too...)
Or she eats with you without complaint but cooks some nights per week.

I think it is hard coming home for the first holiday. I can remember being really annoyed because I felt like I had to tell my parents where I was going all the time and when I'd be back and I also struggled because we lived in a village with no bus routes late in the evening so it was difficult to meet friends from the city. In my first term I'd got so used to the freedoms of living in another city, 100 miles away from my parents, coming and going as and when I pleased and eating what and when I wanted.
I tried not to be a twat though! However, after that first holiday experience I decided I'd stay at uni as long as possible and had a selection of holiday projects working for professors and summer placements in industry in another city, which meant I barely came at all.
I loved my parents and was in touch with them several times a week but I struggled with the freedom aspect.

If your daughter wants to go back early and stay with friends, let her. She's settled in and is having a good time. The university years are over so quickly - she should make the most of them.
However, if she is being out and out rude, pull her up on it every time. Rudeness is not acceptable. Nor is going out for a coffee when you'd driven hours to pick her up.

BoredZelda · 06/12/2021 11:54

Sounds like you loved that she was struggling as you still got to be there for her and now you don’t like it that she is doing well. She hasn’t mentioned it because it is past. What do you want he to do? Thank you profusely for being a parent?

I’d be made up if my daughter overcame a struggle and then really began to enjoy uni life.

FreeBritnee · 06/12/2021 11:55

I’m not sure I’d see this as a bad thing. The thought of my child being at Uni absolutely miserable would be a far worse situation than then being a little sod at home as they want to go back. Try and see the positive in it.

LimitIsUp · 06/12/2021 11:55

I think in your shoes, whilst I would be a little disappointed at her not being 'present' at home and a bit uninterested in spending time with her family, overall I would be thrilled that she is enjoying university and is obviously going to make a go of it. I speak as a parent of a 19 year old who quit during the first term of university last year as she couldn't hack being away from home

NewlyGranny · 06/12/2021 11:56

DD1 was slow to settle and edgy when moving between her old world and her new. It was as if she didn't quite know how to "be". It was sorted by Easter.

ElftonWednesday · 06/12/2021 11:58

I would feel the same and I can totally imagine DD1 being like that. I'm sure I was a bit thoughtless to my parents when I first came back from university. I know I used to come home to get my washing done Blush.

Just have a little chat - as others have said she will come back to you.