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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

AIBU Feel so hurt and rejected by teenage DD

305 replies

pigalow · 05/12/2021 09:52

I am feeling so hurt and rejected by my teenage daughter. I cry most days and just don’t know how to make things better. We were very close until she was about 14 or 14 1/2 and then things changed. She was always a very loving and affectionate child who would give big hugs or watch a film snuggled together. She now will not make eye contact, literally gives me a cold (bony) shoulder if I try to give her a hug goodnight or before school. I miss her so much. She will not speak about this at all. If I try to explain that I feel hurt and that I would like us to try to be close again and make an effort to make memories, she tells me to go away or literally blanks me putting earphones in and acting as if I’m not there. She still expects me to drop everything to help if she has a problem. I spent hours last year helping her write revision notes and cards as she was behind and couldn’t do it all in time for her GCSE exams. She said thank you but in an offhand way not really seeming to mean it. She seems very entitled and takes anything that others do for her as her right and never seems prepared to put herself out for others. For example she knows how much I like going out for a shopping and lunch trip and how this would mean a lot to me but she won’t spend any time with me as ‘she doesn’t want to.’
I try really hard to give her anything she needs in reason - money to go out with friends, clothes, make up, money for nails etc. I spent hours and hours helping her with her GCSEs. Am I being selfish or unreasonable to expect a bit of love in return?

OP posts:

Doomscrolling · 05/12/2021 16:05

@pigalow

I am really saddened that so many people think most young adults aren't close to their families and just want to get away. What is the point of family if the members aren't friends and support each other? I do believe this is a particularly western capitalist mindset and not shared by other cultures and societies.

It's A Phase.

Stop making it about failures of culture. Your daughter is going through a perfectly normal developmental stage and is acting entirely within a healthy normal range. It's you who are out of step. GIve her the space she needs and in years to come your relationship will probably return to its close and happy state.

The "point of family" is to help and support our children when they need it and trust them with their independence when they don't. The point of family is not to be spending every weekend together for instagram-friendly posts.

She can be negative towards you because she's secure that you love her even when she acts out. That's a good thing.

SleepyMathematician · 05/12/2021 16:07

[quote pigalow]@GiltEdges I don't expect tit for tat but a cup of tea if I have a bad headache would be nice or a thank you for writing approximately 80 GCSE RS revision cards for her as she'd left them too late. [/quote]
Don’t do this again. Learn from it. Writing 80 GCSE cards for her is ridiculous and not doing her any long term favours. One of the main benefits of writing revision cards is that you learn as you write. No point whatsoever you learning it and if she’s going to revise, she may as well read from the textbook or the internet as read what you’ve written.

If ever my teens were being really ungrateful I took it as a sign to do a bit less for them. Still do, now they’re in their early 20s.

She will turn into the adult who offers you tea, considers how you feel etc, but you’re going to slow that process down if you keep pushing for it.

BungleandGeorge · 05/12/2021 16:09

I think there’s a middle ground. Yes teenagers want to be with their friends and be more independent but she does sound like she’s not being very pleasant or respectful. It’s not a parent’s job to do everything and anything for the child and the child behaves however they like in return. Relationships are a 2 way street, perhaps be a bit less available for her every whim if she’s not grateful?

fakereview · 05/12/2021 16:09

I wasn't a horrible teenager at all. But I found my parents excruciatingly embarrassing and I would not have wanted to go out for tea and cake (spas not really a thing back then) with my mum. I remember, very occasionally, going to the theatre with my mum and her friends (although following the other thread about the 15 year old being invited along to the theatre I now wonder if my mum's friends were rolling their eyes about me going along!)

I wasn't rude because I wasn't allowed to be. But I used to spend all my time in my room reading and listening to music.

And OP please do NOT use the phrase "making memories". Ugh.

Also - as others have said, social media is a packaged-up lie.

fakereview · 05/12/2021 16:10

Oh and I think a text thank you is fine - its still a thank you. How much more do you want from her?

HundredMilesAnHour · 05/12/2021 16:10

[quote pigalow]@GiltEdges I don't expect tit for tat but a cup of tea if I have a bad headache would be nice or a thank you for writing approximately 80 GCSE RS revision cards for her as she'd left them too late. [/quote]
Stop babying her. You shouldn't have written revision cards for her. Did you offer to sit the exam for her too? She's a young adult. Start treating her like one rather than acting like a combination of doormat and money tree.

fakereview · 05/12/2021 16:10

I do believe this is a particularly western capitalist mindset and not shared by other cultures and societies

nothing to do with western and everything to do with being a teen. Once you get older you want to see your parents again

WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 05/12/2021 16:11

@corblimeygov

Well here I am. Can't say I was expecting the responses but have read them all . To me, it's odd that so many of you think so one person can be mean and spiteful and make me so upset but it must just be swept under the carpet as my feelings obviously don't matter. Well ok , I'll take your comments onboard an ditch my feelings book.

Still making it all about YOU and acting like a teenager yourself shouting “fine then! I won’t!”

couchparsnip · 05/12/2021 16:11

Apologies if someone else has mentioned this book, I've not read every post. I found out about it on a mumsnet thread earlier this year and its helped me with my obnoxious DD13.
It explains what going on in their heads and why they need to pull away from you. They do come back but it takes time.

blackwells.co.uk/bookshop/product/Get-Out-of-My-Life-But-First-Take-Me--Alex-Into-Town-by-Anthony-E-Wolf-author-Suzanne-Franks-author/9781781253311

catfunk · 05/12/2021 16:14

I would step back, tell her to stop being so bloody rude when necessary and next time she needs you to bail her out if honestly refuse. If she wants to ignore you then fine but why are you pandering to her ?

EyesAsGreenAsAFreshPickledToad · 05/12/2021 16:14

Stop spoiling her, op, and then getting upset she isn’t grateful. Did she put any of her pocket money towards the holiday or festival?
Bit bizarre of you to blame capitalism for her behaviour

MuguetRose · 05/12/2021 16:16

If my mum had presented me with a log of my misdeeds I'd have presented her with one back and it would be very long! Might not have gone quite how the pp was imagining so this thread probably saved her a lot of damage to their relationship.

GreenWhiteViolet · 05/12/2021 16:17

A tangent, but on the issue of culture - I do think that the problem of teenage stroppiness is partially cultural. In the past, many people would have been in full-time work in their early teens. This might have meant living apart from parents, as an apprentice or in domestic service. They were participating in the adult world, with real responsibilities, and little time to spend with their parents even if living in the same home. In our culture, childhood is extended, and young people don't have those same avenues to develop their adult personas. Obviously there are reasons things changed, but it does lead to a limbo stage where young people are considered children but are physically maturing and are biologically primed to want to separate from parents. Hence the frustration and childish behaviour.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 05/12/2021 16:18

This thread should be copied and pasted onto every single , " i have just found out o am having a boy, i am so disappointed " thread.

IncompleteSenten · 05/12/2021 16:22

She's not your friend. She's your daughter. That's a completely different relationship and a very important one. She'll come through the teenage years and I'm sure you will have a lovely relationship but for now, back off and don't look to her to meet your needs. Be her mum. Things will be ok.

Original poster

pigalow · 05/12/2021 16:25

I think I do these things for her because of the ideology of unconditional love and motherhood being sacrificial that has been created. I do them willingly enough but then later feel upset if I text, could you make me a tea as I'm lying down with a headache to get a 'get it yourself; I'm not here to look after you' response.

OP posts:

icedcoffees · 05/12/2021 16:27

@pigalow

It reads to me like you've spoilt her, and are now upset because she's acting like a spoilt child.

ShineySparkleyChrissmassy · 05/12/2021 16:33

@pigalow

The friendship part comes after they've grown up completely, not while they're doing it. She's doing the breaking loose and finding herself part at the moment. It's normal, natural and right. You don't have DC to create friends for yourself. You have DC to create a family, which includes giving them the skills and space they need to get out ini the world alone, then you hope that you Iike each other enough as adults that they come back to you as friends.

You type of attitude is what's behind all the tense parent/child relationships that exist, the parents won't acknowledge the DC are now grown/growing up with their own lives, that the DC don't have to do whatever their parents want/say any more and owe their parents nothing. You've done a good job upto now, that's why she's so independent, don't screw it up now!

Its not an equal relationship until they reach adulthood. Until then it's one way, with you supporting them. In adulthood you become equals, which means respecting their opinions and preferences and not treating them like a child or disapproving openly of their choices etc, because who wants friends who do that?!

There's nothing wrong with her, she's not depressed, she's got enthusiasm enough for her friends. Their Christmas plans are fab!

whenwillthemadnessend · 05/12/2021 16:34

My dd is the same but she is getting there at 16

Re the diary Do it for your own sake and hide it WELL but fgs destroy it in a year or two and never give it too her. That's awful!!!

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 05/12/2021 16:35

@corblimeygov

This has got to be a wind-up. No one can really be this self-centred and self-pitying.

SSOYS · 05/12/2021 16:35

@pigalow

Agreed, OP, that’s not a reasonable response and I think is quite a different issue to her not wanting to do shopping trips etc.

CoachBeardless · 05/12/2021 16:36

Ah, I think my mum is a bit like this. She'd pictured us in the future going shopping together, having girly lunches out, and getting our nails done/spa days.

In reality we are nothing alike. Clothes shopping is my idea of hell, im not "girly" and I don't want my nails done or to go on spa days. We don't have the same interests at all.

I love going to museums, and love bookshops. Which she is completely astounded and bored by.

I think my DM expected that as I was her child I would be a clone of her and would want to do the same things. We really don't have many common interests.

ILoveHuskies · 05/12/2021 16:40

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

This thread should be copied and pasted onto every single , " i have just found out o am having a boy, i am so disappointed " thread.

Haha yeah 🤣🤣😩

ChicCroissant · 05/12/2021 16:41

@corblimeygov

Do you know what, I came on this thread to empathise with the OP as I too have been in her shoes. I now feel throughly depressed and am questioning my judgment on everything . Well thanks a lot you judgmental bunch of sanctimonious people. I won't be back.

But you were not going to empathise with your daughter, you were going to give her a written list of her faults in your eyes! I hope you have destroyed the book, it would totally destroy your relationship with anyone you gave it to.

OP, you are expecting too much from your daughter. Do you do charity work yourself, or go out with your own friends? She is a teen, it's time for her to strike out on her own and spend time with her friends. Give her space.

Sunshinelover2 · 05/12/2021 16:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

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