Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

AIBU Feel so hurt and rejected by teenage DD

305 replies

pigalow · 05/12/2021 09:52

I am feeling so hurt and rejected by my teenage daughter. I cry most days and just don’t know how to make things better. We were very close until she was about 14 or 14 1/2 and then things changed. She was always a very loving and affectionate child who would give big hugs or watch a film snuggled together. She now will not make eye contact, literally gives me a cold (bony) shoulder if I try to give her a hug goodnight or before school. I miss her so much. She will not speak about this at all. If I try to explain that I feel hurt and that I would like us to try to be close again and make an effort to make memories, she tells me to go away or literally blanks me putting earphones in and acting as if I’m not there. She still expects me to drop everything to help if she has a problem. I spent hours last year helping her write revision notes and cards as she was behind and couldn’t do it all in time for her GCSE exams. She said thank you but in an offhand way not really seeming to mean it. She seems very entitled and takes anything that others do for her as her right and never seems prepared to put herself out for others. For example she knows how much I like going out for a shopping and lunch trip and how this would mean a lot to me but she won’t spend any time with me as ‘she doesn’t want to.’
I try really hard to give her anything she needs in reason - money to go out with friends, clothes, make up, money for nails etc. I spent hours and hours helping her with her GCSEs. Am I being selfish or unreasonable to expect a bit of love in return?

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 05/12/2021 15:46

To be fair you described a very strange thing - at least you have not given your child this document of her misdeeds - hopefully after reading this thread you will shove it in the recycling!

icedcoffees · 05/12/2021 15:46

@pigalow

I am really saddened that so many people think most young adults aren't close to their families and just want to get away. What is the point of family if the members aren't friends and support each other? I do believe this is a particularly western capitalist mindset and not shared by other cultures and societies.
It's biology. Have a read of this:

www.psychalive.org/what-to-do-when-teen-pushes-away/

Original poster
pigalow · 05/12/2021 15:46

@GiltEdges I don't expect tit for tat but a cup of tea if I have a bad headache would be nice or a thank you for writing approximately 80 GCSE RS revision cards for her as she'd left them too late.

OP posts:
toomuchturmericinwatermelon · 05/12/2021 15:46

@corblimeygov

Do you know what, I came on this thread to empathise with the OP as I too have been in her shoes. I now feel throughly depressed and am questioning my judgment on everything . Well thanks a lot you judgmental bunch of sanctimonious people. I won't be back.
why not?
RedToothBrush · 05/12/2021 15:47

YABU

Nature designed teenagers to do this, so they will learn independence and leave the family home. Otherwise they never would.

Give it time and space. She needs to learn to appreciate home. She will return when older if you give her that.

icedcoffees · 05/12/2021 15:48

@corblimeygov

Do you know what, I came on this thread to empathise with the OP as I too have been in her shoes. I now feel throughly depressed and am questioning my judgment on everything . Well thanks a lot you judgmental bunch of sanctimonious people. I won't be back.
Do you not think it's quite telling that everyone has responded in the same way?

I know you're probably reeling from some of the harsher responses but I think it's definitely worth thinking about your thought processes and why you thought giving a teenager a diary full of all her perceived "wrongdoings" would ever have been a good idea.

diddl · 05/12/2021 15:49

@pigalow

I am really saddened that so many people think most young adults aren't close to their families and just want to get away. What is the point of family if the members aren't friends and support each other? I do believe this is a particularly western capitalist mindset and not shared by other cultures and societies.
But people can look outside their family for friends & support!

It doesn't have to be one or the other, but it won't be you that she looks to if you stifle her & guilt trip her.

mam0918 · 05/12/2021 15:49

Your daughter is acting like a normal teenager.

You are not acting like a normal mother of a teenager.

She not 2 anymore - she doesn't show love with cuddles, sloppy kisses, hand drawn cards and 'love you mummy' yelled across the playground anymore and that's obviously normal 'growing up' behavior, however being so co-dependent and unable to deal with being alone or your child growing to the point that you cry over it is not normal grown up behavior though.

HighlandPony · 05/12/2021 15:50

@pigalow it’s not. It’s a teenage mindset. We are parents. We are not cool. Some children don’t go through this but most do. I think too many of us forget what we were like as teenagers. When I was a teenager in the 90s we all did things like this. Nobody ever spent much social time with family that wasn’t a pre planned or special occasion. Anyone that did was ridiculed as a ‘mummies girl’ (or boy) teenagers are stroppy hormonal huffy creatures and we grow out of it only to have karma bite our arses with our kids. My mum was only 19 years older than me and she was still “old and embarrassing”.

MsTSwift · 05/12/2021 15:51

You should be glad about the friends - the most worried teen parents I know are those whose kids are with them all the time and never see their peers.

violetskiss · 05/12/2021 15:53

[quote pigalow]@Alcemeg - this could literally be my daughter speaking! She's also said she doesn't want to get married or have children as she has no intention of having to consider others and just wants to devote her life to herself! [/quote]
What’s wrong with that?

ILoveHuskies · 05/12/2021 15:55

Oh op

I could have written your post.
It's absolutely heartbreaking....the rejection, I Honestly don't know how to deal with it, we were once so close. My dd is a bit younger but very similar

Thanks for you.
Feel free to pm if you'd like to chat more xxx

FedUpFelicia · 05/12/2021 15:55

My mum has never forgiven me for being a teen, or a child for that matter. She likes to bring up and talk about how selfish I was, how slovenly and how little pride I took in my appearance. It's toxic and annoying and I hate being held accountable for my childish actions decades after the fact.

Just try to talk to her like a normal person instead of crying or love bombing or trying to force an emotional connection.

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 05/12/2021 15:55

Maybe when you pass her the 'incident diary' she will pass you a few care home brochures............

Original poster
pigalow · 05/12/2021 15:56

Nothing wrong with choosing to live alone or not have children, a bit sad if you feel life is only about yourself. It might just be teenage selfishness but I have to say empathy and putting herself out for others has never been top of her priorities. When I see thing people in the media doing amazing things for charities or being young carers for parents or siblings I do wonder if I have done something wrong I'm not encouraging more altruism. Perhaps it's innate and not something that can be cultivated

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 05/12/2021 15:58

Nothing wrong with choosing to live alone or not have children, a bit sad if you feel life is only about yourself. It might just be teenage selfishness but I have to say empathy and putting herself out for others has never been top of her priorities.

Did you ever teach her to do those things? Did you encourage empathy, volunteer work etc?

titchy · 05/12/2021 15:58

@pigalow

I am really saddened that so many people think most young adults aren't close to their families and just want to get away. What is the point of family if the members aren't friends and support each other? I do believe this is a particularly western capitalist mindset and not shared by other cultures and societies.
She's not a young adult though that's kind of the point! Once she IS a young adult, and leading the independent self sufficient life of a young adult she probably will be quite family oriented.

You're making the mistake of assuming she's going to be like this forever, rather than recognising it for what it is - a very healthy normal development stage that CHILDREN (don't forget 16 is a child) go through.

When your toddlers screamed 'I hate you I want the red/blue/yellow bowl' did you genuinely believe they would spend their adult lives only eating off red/blue/yellow crockery and hating you? Or did you recognise it for the normal developmental stage that it was? This is no different.

Alcemeg · 05/12/2021 15:59

[quote pigalow]@Alcemeg - this could literally be my daughter speaking! She's also said she doesn't want to get married or have children as she has no intention of having to consider others and just wants to devote her life to herself! [/quote]
To be fair, that sounds quite sensible 🤣

Gretaburley · 05/12/2021 16:01

@corblimeygov be grateful you got these replies before you gave your dd the incident book.
I think pp's are just shocked that you think it would be helpful or acceptable.

Original poster
pigalow · 05/12/2021 16:01

When your toddlers screamed 'I hate you I want the red/blue/yellow bowl' did you genuinely believe they would spend their adult lives only eating off red/blue/yellow crockery and hating you?

Maybe this is the problem. I really don't remember this ever happening. I remember having to console her about imaginary fears and her getting upset about friendship issues and fallouts at school but not anything directed at me.

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/12/2021 16:02

let her buy her own clothes op

Schoolchoicesucks · 05/12/2021 16:02

Whoever said "comparison is the thief of joy" was right, OP.
What you see on Social Media of friends with their daughters is not real life, it's edited.

It sounds as though you've had a great relationship with your daughter. She's confident enough to branch out with her friends. That's great. She's not a little girl any more. She should be establishing new independent relationships from you.

She'll be back. You can look forward to having closeness as 2 adults. But you need to take a step back. Stop showing her all your emotions. Embrace the independence this stage gives you. Pull her up when she's rude and inconsiderate. But give her some space to explore and return.

noirchatsdeux · 05/12/2021 16:02

@corblimeygov Are you my fucking mother? She expected me to be her 'best friend' and 'emotional support animal' when I was a teenager and my father was working abroad shagging every local woman he could...but I wasn't allowed to expect any emotional support back, or act in any way like a 'normal' teenager. Looking back nearly 40 years later the stress and strain she put me under was totally inappropriate. I ended up having a massive nervous breakdown when I was 17 and tried to kill myself. Got no emotional support with that, either.

I now deliberately live on the other side of the world from her. Let your daughter be a teenager, stop taking it so fucking personally. She's the child, not you.

violetskiss · 05/12/2021 16:02

@pigalow

Nothing wrong with choosing to live alone or not have children, a bit sad if you feel life is only about yourself. It might just be teenage selfishness but I have to say empathy and putting herself out for others has never been top of her priorities. When I see thing people in the media doing amazing things for charities or being young carers for parents or siblings I do wonder if I have done something wrong I'm not encouraging more altruism. Perhaps it's innate and not something that can be cultivated
I think my Mum would talk about me a bit like this. I was much worse as a teenager, but teenagers are SUPPOSED to be selfish. I personally think being a bit selfish is a good thing - sometimes I look at someone like my very altruistic DH and worry he’s a bit soft for the world (in a loving way.)

Also, it’s pretty messed up to talk about young carers - those people are forced into those positions. I was 20 when I had to (with my Mum) become a cater for my terminally ill Dad for a year and it was awful, and I was “good” at it and coped. It had nothing to do with being selfish or selfless but just managing.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/12/2021 16:05

My relationship with my daughter felt like it was relegated to buying tat from Top Shop in her teens, its not like that now.

The teenage years are a time when they learn how to have adult relationships and it comes with testing boundaries. Hopefully these boundaries are tested with someone who loves them unconditionally so they know they are in a safe space.

We're much closer now but I'm not her friend, I'm her parent and she knows I'll support and encourage her.