AIBU Feel so hurt and rejected by teenage DD

[pigalow]

I am feeling so hurt and rejected by my teenage daughter. I cry most days and just don’t know how to make things better. We were very close until she was about 14 or 14 1/2 and then things changed. She was always a very loving and affectionate child who would give big hugs or watch a film snuggled together. She now will not make eye contact, literally gives me a cold (bony) shoulder if I try to give her a hug goodnight or before school. I miss her so much. She will not speak about this at all. If I try to explain that I feel hurt and that I would like us to try to be close again and make an effort to make memories, she tells me to go away or literally blanks me putting earphones in and acting as if I’m not there. She still expects me to drop everything to help if she has a problem. I spent hours last year helping her write revision notes and cards as she was behind and couldn’t do it all in time for her GCSE exams. She said thank you but in an offhand way not really seeming to mean it. She seems very entitled and takes anything that others do for her as her right and never seems prepared to put herself out for others. For example she knows how much I like going out for a shopping and lunch trip and how this would mean a lot to me but she won’t spend any time with me as ‘she doesn’t want to.’
I try really hard to give her anything she needs in reason - money to go out with friends, clothes, make up, money for nails etc. I spent hours and hours helping her with her GCSEs. Am I being selfish or unreasonable to expect a bit of love in return?

I’m astonished so many posters think it’s acceptable for your DD to speak to you like that, OP. I do think you need to accept she wants to be with her friends and not with you at the moment, but she absolutely should be polite, civil and respectful. And I heartily recommend you give her monthly allowance for clothes/nails/other crap. Once it’s gone, it’s gone.

I agree this sort of thing is normal, but I think it's also worth making sure nothing is bothering her. Is everything OK at school and so on?

@pigalow

I am really saddened that so many people think most young adults aren't close to their families and just want to get away. What is the point of family if the members aren't friends and support each other? I do believe this is a particularly western capitalist mindset and not shared by other cultures and societies.

OP I've spent a lot of time in African countries and many parts of Asia and can tell you that you are quite right - this is absolutely a Western phenomenon and you don't see it there in girls or boys. This shows to me that it is more a social phenomenon than a biological one. Same as teenagers being solitary in their rooms - you just ever see that. Bedrooms are for bed and dressing only.

An example. I was away when my gcse results came out. I asked my parents to wait until I got home, not open them and read them down the phone to me. When I got home, I took them to the bathroom, locked myself in and opened them alone.

My mother opened my confirmation of university place letter (after I got my A level results) while I was out. It pissed me off massively - this was 1976, my mother has been dead more than 4 years but just thinking about it gives me the rage.

Children deserve their privacy and autonomy from their parents as they grow older. Please don't make them resent you by demanding things from them.

I went upstairs at 14 as a lovely teen and came down as a complete bitch to my Mum.
She was old, out of touch, didn't understand me, pestered me, embarrassed me...
Came home in 1st year because I had been dumped by an idiot and we went out for lunch.
Ended up hugging and crying because I realised how much I'd missed her.
We have been close ever since.
She never ever mentions it, but I always remember...

You could be telling the story of my journey through teens as a mum. I would drive to work in tears most mornings because of her behaviour towards me, and dread going home at night for more of the same. She went from being a model child to a monster. Once she left home at 18 to go Uni things changed almost overnight.
Not she’s an absolute dream daughter again.
This time will pass

Understanding that it is a bog standard behaviour found in a large percentage of teens is not the same as saying it is acceptable.

When mine were teens they were often rude to me and they got told to knock it off.

You can understand, empathise and deal with the behaviour and all while not taking it personally.

@pigalow

Nothing wrong with choosing to live alone or not have children, a bit sad if you feel life is only about yourself. It might just be teenage selfishness but I have to say empathy and putting herself out for others has never been top of her priorities. When I see thing people in the media doing amazing things for charities or being young carers for parents or siblings I do wonder if I have done something wrong I'm not encouraging more altruism. Perhaps it's innate and not something that can be cultivated

You need to read some books on teenagers. Their brains are such that they struggle to feel empathy normal.

[quote pigalow]@namename12 I would pull her up for swearing or anything like that but a lot of it isn't direct rudeness but more an offhand disregard such as an ill mannered person might behave to a waiter or hotel employee. No eye contact or smile if there is a thank you, and often no acknowledgment of something done for her at all. It's like living with a very entitled empress. She has so much that a new item of clothing is greeted with a perfunctory ty text [/quote]
That's different and very rude

Either stop buying or have a very straight conversation about manners

@Bunnyfuller I can totally empathise. This is exactly what happens to us too.

@pigalow
Fear not, she will ''Come back''
Teens HAVE to pull away, and in the wise words of my friend's GP, {who has adult DC now} said ''They have to go away to come back''
Leave her be...
I too was really emotionally hurt and upset by my son at around this age~ but a friend said ''snip snip of the apron strings..it has to happen''.. and she too was right.
Loose the reins.. let them slip through your fingers, give her her privacy, but always be there for her.

@ILoveHuskies Hear you totally

It’s not her job to keep you happy. Let her grow up. YABU to think she should pander to what you want the relationship to be like. As others have said …she’s a teenager and you’ve got a few years of this to go ! Maybe just roll your eyes and hold your tongue like the rest of us mothers of teenagers have had to do …😆

Not read the thread but feel sure loads of other people have said, its a development stage. Young animals need to be be able to move to independence and young humans are no different. Her behaviour towards you is part of her journey to be being an independent adult rather than a dependent child.

You have my sympathy though. I am dreading this with my boys. I'm trying to build up as much of a life for myself as possible so that I am
more able to cope with it. With my background I know its going to hurt though.

Give your DD daughter a break you’re too involved with her life. Can you remember when you were a teenager?

@pigalow Do not, do NOT spoil her!!! She really will lose respect if you constantly try to buy her affection! Her lack of saying ''Thank you '' properly shows she is losing respect fast.

No one likes a ''Brat'' and that is what you risk creating if you pander to her every whim, including buying stuff .

@EmKayEm That is so lovely. I'm so pleased you and your mum are close again. To make it clear, I absolutely respect privacy. My daughter phones her friends in her room and I wouldn't dream of going in without knocking. Also I took her to collect her GCSE results but she wanted to sit in her own for a bit to open them and then tell me in her own time. I am very aware for the need for privacy and if anything go the other way. I have never checked phones like some of my friends do with their teens. Just would like a bit of family love and affection to mitigate against the horrors of the world at present.

My 15 year old is like this.

But sometimes she will lie on the sofa, put her head on my lap and demand l stroke her head.

They are very backward and guests at this age.

The Cat Years

by Adair Lara

I just realized that while children are dogs - loyal and affectionate - teenagers are cats. It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts it's head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.

Then, around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorsteps, it disappears. You won't see it again until it gets hungry -- then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.

You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings.

Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.

Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.

Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.

One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, "You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you." Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.

I love that cat years quote

So true

Good grief....Whoever wrote the ''Incident diary'' about every minor infraction their teenager did, and 'How it made her feel' and who wants to 'Bind it' to give to said teen when she grows up?
.
That is bordering on the seriously self~ obsessed and creepy.

Forgive and forget, and move on.

YANBU but unfortunately this is common.
Take a deep breath, remind yourself she loves you really, and stop trying so hard.

In a few years things will be better.

Try not to take it to heart. Things will improve.

I went to attachment training a while ago, and the trainer said that teenage years are when your children move from a parent child relationship into an adult adult relationship, and parents go from being the controller to a consultant role. At this time your brain is rewiring attachments to go into adulthood. In order to to this the child has to break the parent child bond and can become quite challenging and even nasty during this time, especially when there’s been a previous close relationship as then they have to try harder to break that bond and make the break. It sort of makes sense to me, I had similar with my daughter, and it sort of made me feel better to think that it’s just part of her development.

[quote pigalow]@Alcemeg - this could literally be my daughter speaking! She's also said she doesn't want to get married or have children as she has no intention of having to consider others and just wants to devote her life to herself! [/quote]
I have recently thought I ought to have done this. It's a sensible plan.