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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Suitable punishment for lying about where she is

256 replies

jackstini · 30/10/2021 19:21

Dd is 15 (16 in March)

Few weeks ago we had an issue with her being out in a city, then a park until about 11 then stayed at a friend's house, where we've let her stay before

Issue is she had told us she was at a different friend's and only admitted where she had been when really pushed (& I had screenshots of her phone location)

We grounded her for a couple of weeks (ended up being 3 as she caught Covid)

She's gone to a friend's tonight, for a Halloween sleepover. Her phone says she's there but a friend of mine thinks she's just seen her in a tram going into town

Not answering phone (although iPhone says it is at friend's house) Best friend not answering hers either. Mum at the house she's staying at not answering text

Ideas please on WWYD now...

OP posts:
Frankii · 31/10/2021 06:26

Oh dear. My parents were like you OP.

We have very little to do with each other now sadly, and they don't know much about me or my life and the things I've been through.

You're making some big mistakes here in your approach. It's not too late to start fixing it though, please listen to people here.

Thefaceofboe · 31/10/2021 06:27

I think you are obsessing over punishments too much. She’s almost 16 ffs, what she’s doing is part of being a teenager.

You need her to feel confident in telling you where she is, not leaving her phone at home to avoid you tracking her (weird and stalkerish). My mum used to say to me to phone her for a lift no matter what if I was desperate and in trouble, would your dd dare phone you? No

Hercisback · 31/10/2021 06:30

Why did you go to McDonald's anyway? That's stalker ish.

user1487194234 · 31/10/2021 06:35

You and your DH sound like total control freaks
No wonder she lies

Vbree · 31/10/2021 06:58

I'm sure you mean well but you sound very controlling and suffocating. Your poor daughter would be mortified if your DH had started having a go at her friends mother. Ridiculous. She sounds like a good kid. When I was 15/16 I was allowed out until 11pm some nights as long as my parents knew where I was. They gave me a small amount of freedom so I never felt the need to lie. We had mobile phones at the time but this was way before trackers obviously. Must feel horrible for her to be tracked too.

MusicTeacherSussex · 31/10/2021 06:59

@Frankii

Oh dear. My parents were like you OP.

We have very little to do with each other now sadly, and they don't know much about me or my life and the things I've been through.

You're making some big mistakes here in your approach. It's not too late to start fixing it though, please listen to people here.

Same here, word for word. They barely know anything about me now. I'm 31.
Staryflight445 · 31/10/2021 07:02

Some of the best life lessons I learned through my freedom when I was 15-16.
It’s very important.

MultiStorey · 31/10/2021 07:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hibye123 · 31/10/2021 07:16

The comments are so strange😂 people thinking it's okay for a 15 year old to be out in town without permission and the whole time her parents think she's cosy inside at her friend's house? Come on

Frankii · 31/10/2021 07:18

@hibye123

The comments are so strange😂 people thinking it's okay for a 15 year old to be out in town without permission and the whole time her parents think she's cosy inside at her friend's house? Come on
It's the tracking, over the top reactions, humiliation in front of peers, and overly emotive frightening shouty tellings-off which will damage a long term relationship.
Oblomov21 · 31/10/2021 07:18

Why is she lying. What is driving the lying? I'm a bit confused as to what she's doing that warrants lying.

meltingappointment · 31/10/2021 07:28

@hibye123

The comments are so strange😂 people thinking it's okay for a 15 year old to be out in town without permission and the whole time her parents think she's cosy inside at her friend's house? Come on

Mine would not need permission. At 15 I would have been happy for DD to go into town with friends when on a sleepover. That said she would have dropped me a text to let me know because we have always had very open communication.

Sandunesandseashells · 31/10/2021 07:28

When I wax 15, m dad turned up at the fairground and marched me off the Waltzers (we used to stand around the back wall). That was 1975 and I barely spoke to him after that, the shame and consequent teasing at school was unbearable. We’ve been no contact since I left home to go to college in 1978; by then I’d realised I didn’t need him in my life. Is this what you want for your daughter?

pansypotter123 · 31/10/2021 07:36

She went for a sleepover with friends, they went into town and got picked up by one of the mums. Sounds bloody normal to me

@meltingappointment has nailed it. How very embarrassing for your daughter, her friends, the mum who picked them up.

Ducksurprise · 31/10/2021 07:41

[quote kateg27]@BananaPB a burner phone 😂 her 15 year old dd isn't a drug dealer ffs [/quote]
No but she is a teenager who is being tracked by her parents. I know kids do this, leave phone at allowed location and then go out, getting another phone is easy.

the only thing I'd add is that teenagers lie. Full stop.

I agree with this, and any parent that says they always no the truth is delusional, its a normal part of growing up and away from your parents, you start wanting to have a part of your life that is just yours.

hibye123 · 31/10/2021 07:43

It's the tracking, over the top reactions, humiliation in front of peers, and overly emotive frightening shouty tellings-off which will damage a long term relationship.

The OPs DD already has form for lying about her location (saying she's with one friend but really staying with a different friend.) The OP also said 'I reminded her she needs to tell us if she's going anywhere and send pics' so there was no problem about DD going out, it was the fact that the OPs friend saw her on a tram to let her know. Is that not wrong of DD to do?

Sorry if you're somewhere you shouldn't be and you get humiliated by your friends because your mum has come out of the house to pick you up, that's really your own fault. 15 is still a kid it's not like she's 18/19

GoingForAWalk · 31/10/2021 07:44

This is normal teenage behaviour. They go round in packs or pairs so tend to be safe together.

More safe than stuck isolated indoors meeting some weirdo online probably

hibye123 · 31/10/2021 07:46

Mine would not need permission. At 15 I would have been happy for DD to go into town with friends when on a sleepover. That said she would have dropped me a text to let me know because we have always had very open communication.

Exactly. She wouldn't need your permission but the OP has stated her daughter was to let her know if they were going out yet she didn't. It's simple really but people are going way over the top for some reason.
If I went to a sleepover at that age and my mum thought I'd be indoors the whole time but I was really out with my friend and their mum was coming to pick us up. My mum would be livid that she wasn't notified

Ducksurprise · 31/10/2021 07:47

@hibye123

The comments are so strange😂 people thinking it's okay for a 15 year old to be out in town without permission and the whole time her parents think she's cosy inside at her friend's house? Come on
It was 8.30pm, she was in a group, she is 15, early next year she can leave home.

Her friends parents were evidently happy with it, anyway what could she do, she couldn't ring and let her mum know what they were doing as she knew she wouldn't be allowed, so her choice was stay alone at her friend's house or join her friends doing age appropriate activity.

WaltzingBetty · 31/10/2021 07:47

@WaltzingBetty - no I definitely don't want her to learn that. But she's not a fully grown adult yet and sometimes her judgement is a bit off. The mum had no idea where they were - untiil her daughter texted her after she had our message - then she came to pick them up

And neither did you.
Because your child is too afraid of her father going nuclear to tell you the truth.

You have created a situation where she cannot talk to you about what she'd like to do for fear of judgement.

That is much more dangerous than anything she is doing.

You and your DH need a serious talk about loosening the apron strings and giving her opportunities for decision making and independence

chergar · 31/10/2021 07:47

You need to stop thinking of punishments and instead have an open and honest conversation with your dd, I would suggest just the two of you, no dh.

Why does she feel she has to lie - would you say no, do you say yes but give loads of conditions, is she interrogated when she comes back?

My dd is the same age, my son a bit older and we all have the Find my friends app locator on, they agreed to this and are happy to have it, if ever they didn't want to share their location that would be fine. I don't check up on them to catch them in a lie, as far as I know they haven't lied about where they have been, they've never felt the need to. I have always explained that I would rather be told the truth and shown that in my actions, no long lectures or blanket no "because I said so" type things.

As a previous poster said both of them know they can call at any time regardless of what has happened or where they are and I will be there for them, I think it is called "the green card" no questions asked you just collect and make sure they are safe. I want to give them the freedom to make their own choices based on their own judgments, this helps prepare them for adulthood but safe in the knowledge that if things go wrong they have an escape route with no "what were you thinking", "why did you do that" or punishments. If they want to talk about what happened and ask advice on how to avoid that outcome next time then great but calmly and without blaming or shaming.

meltingappointment · 31/10/2021 07:48

@hibye123

Mine would not need permission. At 15 I would have been happy for DD to go into town with friends when on a sleepover. That said she would have dropped me a text to let me know because we have always had very open communication.

Exactly. She wouldn't need your permission but the OP has stated her daughter was to let her know if they were going out yet she didn't. It's simple really but people are going way over the top for some reason.
If I went to a sleepover at that age and my mum thought I'd be indoors the whole time but I was really out with my friend and their mum was coming to pick us up. My mum would be livid that she wasn't notified

There is a huge backstory as to why the DD isn't openly communicating though.

MultiStorey · 31/10/2021 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaltzingBetty · 31/10/2021 07:50

@hibye123

The comments are so strange😂 people thinking it's okay for a 15 year old to be out in town without permission and the whole time her parents think she's cosy inside at her friend's house? Come on
Yes it's pretty normal teen behaviour

If you think however that phone tracking, stalking McDonald's and lying in wait at the tram stop to catch your child out are normal parenting strategies you should probably review your approach

Bumpsadaisie · 31/10/2021 07:51

She went to a friend to sleepover.

As part of that, friends mum allowed them into town, having arranged a pick up place - which they complied with.

Why do you have to know where she is every minute of the day? Especially when you know another adult is in loco parentis?

Your DD is 16! When I was 15 just turning 16 I went away for a week alone with my friend. We spent most of it smoking roll ups by the sea and buying bottles of Liebfraumilch in the local Spar. My parents heard from us once as agreed on the Wednesday night. There were no mobiles no tracking no emails - just phone boxes.

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