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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Suitable punishment for lying about where she is

256 replies

jackstini · 30/10/2021 19:21

Dd is 15 (16 in March)

Few weeks ago we had an issue with her being out in a city, then a park until about 11 then stayed at a friend's house, where we've let her stay before

Issue is she had told us she was at a different friend's and only admitted where she had been when really pushed (& I had screenshots of her phone location)

We grounded her for a couple of weeks (ended up being 3 as she caught Covid)

She's gone to a friend's tonight, for a Halloween sleepover. Her phone says she's there but a friend of mine thinks she's just seen her in a tram going into town

Not answering phone (although iPhone says it is at friend's house) Best friend not answering hers either. Mum at the house she's staying at not answering text

Ideas please on WWYD now...

OP posts:
tigerinyourtank · 31/10/2021 00:26

[quote Mummyoflittledragon]@tigerinyourtank
Wtf are you talking about? Op said she would read the thread tomorrow. She last posted less than an hour ago. She hasn’t gone. She’s gone to bed.[/quote]
Squaaaaaaawk

Lindy2 · 31/10/2021 00:27

So all the other girls are still having fun on the sleepover while you've publically hauled your DD home after spending your evening driving around to catch her out.

In 2 years time when she turns 18 you won't see her for dust.

Also, if I was the other parent and your DH turned up to go mad at me I'd phone the police on him. He sounds like a nasty bully in my opinion.

TrainspottingWelsh · 31/10/2021 00:27

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow I'll admit I don't live in or near Manchester. I've been plenty of times though. That really isn't my experience. Or the experience of people I know that live there. And I'm a rural person, so I easily notice that type of thing.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2021 00:28

Lol.

OppsUpsSide · 31/10/2021 00:30

Unless you are the OP, you can’t possibly know that. She might well just be dealing with the situation at home before revisiting this thread.
OP has asked this question online for a reason, no one is screaming into a void (but well done for that little dig, I do hope you feel suitably pleased with yourself) they are simply answering the question the OP posed.
with seemingly no self awareness what do you mean by this in this context?

saraclara · 31/10/2021 00:41

@FATEdestiny

The op mentions a tram which makes me think Manchester might be the city she is talking about.

Nottingham has a tram system too.

And Sheffield
Lorw · 31/10/2021 00:44

What a way to push your daughter away. She’s going to be 16 soon you need to let her have some freedom. Seems very controlling. What if something had happened to her and she didn’t have her phone because she was too worried about taking it with her, that isn’t the kind of relationship you want with your daughter OP. Surely having an open and honest relationship is much better to keep your daughter safe? Can’t ground her forever...

Punishments at that age don’t tend to work. I think you embarrassing her and chasing her down would be enough.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 31/10/2021 00:44

the only thing I'd add is that teenagers lie. Full stop. Drilling down on the lies ends badly, you need to give them the opportunity to do the right thing and give them a ton of praise when they are open, honest, communicative.

I'm not suggesting that you don't do those things but I dislike the sound of your dh going nuclear, "the one thing he can't abide is lying" etc. Teenagers tell lies. So he needs to find another way to manage other than "going nuclear" or not being able to "abide". He is the parent here, he needs to control his reactions and come at this with an intention to resolve issues, not create bigger ones. At this rate she'll double down and you'll lose her.

AlexaShutUp · 31/10/2021 00:48

There's no trust in this relationship. You clearly don't trust her to be honest about where she is, which is why you go stalking her to catch her out. She clearly doesn't trust you to make fair and reasonable decisions about what she can and can't do, which is why she lies in the first place.

My 16yo dd has no need to lie because she understands that I'm not out to stop her fun and I'll only say no if I have a genuinely good reason that is connected to her safety. She trusts that my decisions are not arbitrary. In turn, I trust her to be open and honest about what she is doing.

Punishing your dd now is not the answer. I think your aim should be to influence her behaviour rather than to control it. Personally, I would focus on trying to mend the relationship.

Llicdd · 31/10/2021 01:33

I think the humiliation of being there at the tram and marching her home is enough punishment. Please don't push her away. Yes she lied as she was begging for some freedom but I'd be relieved there was no alcohol, they were responsible on time being picked up with a lift. Punishment at this age won't work and will possibly lead to more lies. Also, I would have hated to feel tracked and spied on by my parents and would not have tolerated it well.

Kintsugi16 · 31/10/2021 02:37

@Kintsugi16 - what do you mean? Do you think she shouldn't be punished for lying? Would you have let her carry on with the sleepover knowing that?

No, I don’t think she should be punished. A chat about why she lied and everyone agreeing on a way forward is much better. Punishment won’t stop her lying and yes, I would have let her carry on with the sleepover knowing she was safe.

Newmum29 · 31/10/2021 02:43

I think you’re being completely over the top. If I was your daughter I would tell you absolutely nothing. You are compromising your relationship with her the second she turns 16 and doesn’t have to have you full on spying on her.

BananaPB · 31/10/2021 02:56

OP you know that you can fake your phone location right ? For example if I put my phone on airplane mode and go out with the phone, it will look like I'm still at home. Did your dd leave a burner phone with a sim at her friend's house or leave her phone there ?

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/10/2021 03:38

@jackstini
having read all your posts and some replies I think I'd be generous and not seek to punish her this time.

her missing the party and being whisked away by her mum had quite a high eek factor so being quite embarrassed in front of her friends was punishment enough.

in the morning I'd ask her these questions:

  • do you understand that if you lie to us you stop us from being able to protect you?
  • do you regret lying?
  • what punishment do you think is appropriate this time?
  • instead of being punished do you think you could promise to never scare us again like this and mean it?
  • anything you want to say?
  • are you ready to apologise?
  • would you like a hug?

this sort of process has yielded very positive results for us.
try it

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/10/2021 03:48

I meant to add that in my experience TELLING people what you want (especially angry ranting) is a lot less effective than ASKING them what they think about what happened, why it happened, how to fix it, how/what to do better next time.

Give her a chance to find a way out, a way to progress.
People co-operate better when there's an escape route, an exit strategy.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 31/10/2021 04:02

You must realise your parenting is a bit out of step as the other parents and the sleepover parent were all happy with the town arrangement, and had indeed organized a lift from the tram home at 8 something.

I have been through this recently with one of mine and realised I was holding on just that bit too tight. Once I realised that we were able to have a much more productive conversation about keeping her safe, but also me trusting her, and communication/phone has been much better since then.

Going ballistic and taking her out of a sleepover is too extreme, you obviously feel in the right, but I would also predict you are in for more rocky times as what she feels is reasonable parenting, and other parents are on board with, are breached- I predict more lies as well.

You can go the my house, my rules, punish and take stuff away, but very soon you will have a 16 year old who simply doesn't want to tell you anything and it won't be a good basis for the teen years.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 31/10/2021 04:04

Also, to me, she has been punished, she was on a sleepover, she was dragged home, embarrassed and not allowed on the sleepover. Isn't that enough? Adding further punishment onto this will not deter her from lying, or from seeing you as unreasonable. I don't think punishment is appropriate anyway, the consequences are she couldn't sleep over and I would be looking to establish a dialogue from here on in unless you want a very defiant teen (and just because she's been academic to date doesn't mean she'll toe your line now she's getting older and wants more independence).

LondonWolf · 31/10/2021 04:37

Sounds like she would have been the only one not allowed to go into town with her friends. I feel sorry for her. She must have been so stressed in the lead up to the outing and then terrified when she saw you patrolling the tram stop. You sound massively controlling and more furious that she’s dared break your overly strict rules than her safety. Must have been so embarrassed in front of her friends too. I had parents like you and desperately unhappy teenage years because of it. It’s only recent we’ve become close again and I am in my forties.

LondonWolf · 31/10/2021 04:53

Another thing, you keep emphasising your husbands fury, “going nuclear”, wanting to confront the other parent. I do find your descriptions of his rage concerning tbh and wonder just how much decisions within your household and the bringing up of your dc is managed around it.

kateg27 · 31/10/2021 05:34

I've got alarm bells ringing around the DH. He's obviously got anger issues. When you say he went 'mad' OP, what do you mean?
He sounds very controlling towards you too? Is he abusive towards yourself?
He can't, abide lying, screams to mr that he doesn't like it when he's not in control. I'm actually worried for your daughter. Her dad sounds like a nasty man and you are doing nothing to help her. You sound frightened of him.
Also no 15 year old should look "scared shirtless" because of their parents.

kateg27 · 31/10/2021 05:36

@BananaPB a burner phone 😂 her 15 year old dd isn't a drug dealer ffs

heidbuttsupper · 31/10/2021 05:37

Your poor DD op. My parents were like you and your husband. It was awful. I told them
nothing about my life. Even to this day I do not convide in my mum, we are not close and I am nc with my dad after the way he treated me growing up. I am 37.

frogsarejumpy · 31/10/2021 05:46

I can see your point op about the lying. This would really worry me too. I do agree that point needs to be made re being honest about where you are going, with whom etc.
I agree with Zingdramaqueen’s approach - we can give you more freedom if you can be honest and earn our trust back.

Staryflight445 · 31/10/2021 05:52

This is out of order of you op. She was with her friends and the friends mum clearly had it all under control. Now you’ve embarrassed her in front of her friends.
Stop tracking your kids phone, it’s not normal at all.

Notjustanymum · 31/10/2021 05:52

As parents, we all need to “grow up” with our DC. By that, I mean that as DC get older, we have to treat them appropriately to the age they are now. For those of us in London and similarly high priced areas, that means a complete re-negotiation of the parent/child dynamic as they are unable to move out of the parental home until they are much older than we were when we did so. So it’s important to stop, talk and revisit our own expectations of behaviour - both DC’s and ours - and we have to be willing to reset our expectations as parents, too.
OP you and DH now have the opportunity to do this with your DD. Make sure you let her know that her safety was the trigger for your actions, but acknowledge that you may have been ott in your reaction. Ask her how mature she thinks she is, and reassure her that you will always be there for her if she needs you, while letting her know that it’s also difficult for you to adjust to her getting older and knowing how to deal with the additional anxiety of worrying about her safety. You can turn this around, but only if you, as parents, are also willing to change.
It’s difficult to do, but ultimately, it’s what you have to do to evolve your relationship with adult children.