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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS won't move school

422 replies

PardonBeeOne · 10/10/2021 23:21

We bought a house and had to move 45 miles away. The house was what we could afford and did not want to miss the opportunity.
I foolishly promised my DS 13, that he would not have to move schools as I would have kept my job in our old area.
Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible. I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

It's not sustainable

Now DS does not want to move schools. My fear is if I force the issue, it might affect his grades therefore wanted to involve him as much as possible. But the drive is killing us, it's tiring even though there is 3 of us taking turns 😔
We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ 😳

WWYD?

OP posts:
Giggorata · 11/10/2021 11:35

I would, somehow, keep my promise, if at all possible. Depends how resilient you think he is. Most adolescents are fragile!
They need their friendships and comfort zones at this stage in their development.
Disrupting his GCSEs is also a really bad idea.

I have worked with too many adolescents whose lives were dislocated in some way, with adverse results. It is developmentally normal for adolescents to place high importance on friendships and breaking into established friendship groups is very difficult at this age.
Social isolation can result in bullying, depression, anxiety, antisocial behaviour, vulnerability to gangs and exploitation, and is a criminogenic factor.

I would consider renting out your new property and living somewhere nearer temporarily just to keep him steady where he wants to be, for this important period in his life.

Plus, you made a promise.

NoviceNewMN · 11/10/2021 11:35

@RantyAunty

I can't believe some of the posters here. Pandering to a 13 year old.

He's 13. He doesn't get a say. Get him moved to a new school and involved there. He'll be fine.

I'm not sure this is fair or right. Moving schools if you are happy and settled is always a wrench but there are times when it is easier and better to manage than others. 13 is particularly vulnerable age to do that because of entering adolesence and the importance of having teachers who know you.

PP mentioned how she developed bulimia and other problems from being moved and IME this was not uncommon at school when you have forced moves at odd times in a school career.

Plus joining a new school mid-way through a term will be a brutal experience. Everyone will be settled in their groups and places.

It's a hard one because from the posts, it was fairly obvious what the issues were going to be before this move took place. The school did not move 45 miles away unexpectedly! I think this was a bad decision - either you should have moved and moved your son at the same time or not moved and left him in school.

Now you are in this mess, I think you have a responsibility to try to help him. You could keep commuting - you won't like it but plenty of people do far longer commutes. As others have said, can you explore options of him staying with closer family or friends for part of the week to reduce it to a one or two day commute.

At the very least, try to push on so he can join at a natural break like the start of a new term.

Poor kid.

bigbeautwoman · 11/10/2021 11:36

@PennyWus

Bribe him. It is the best option. There must be something he wants...
Wow great parenting there! Lying to him then bribing the poor boy is gonna have serious issues later in life
TatianaBis · 11/10/2021 11:38

PP mentioned how she developed bulimia and other problems from being moved and IME this was not uncommon at school when you have forced moves at odd times in a school career.

Who’s to say she wouldn’t have developed it anyway, EDs are very common. It’s tempting to link mental health problems to specific events, but many people develop EDs without any obvious external trigger.

For many people changing school is a positive.

Milkbottlelegs · 11/10/2021 11:44

but then again, you couldn't foresee a petrol crisis

Because making a decision like this based on a couple of weeks of a petrol shortage is a totally rational thing to do.

For many people changing school is a positive

Usually when they were unhappy with their previous school.

Inastatus · 11/10/2021 11:44

@DameMaureen ‘Don't be ridiculous - many kids change schools during their school life and it doesn't do them any harm’

You seem to be forgetting that kids have only just got back to some sort of normal education after 2 very disruptive school years. I can’t believe the OP is considering this after everything school children have been through. Furthermore, most parents would try to time the move a bit better to minimise the disruption, not one month into the start of a new academic year!

SpaceshiptoMars · 11/10/2021 11:45

The truth about trauma: most of us cope just fine:

www.telegraph.co.uk/health-fitness/mind/truth-trauma-us-cope-just-fine/

TatianaBis · 11/10/2021 11:50

Usually when they were unhappy with their previous school.

Not necessarily - they may have changed areas like the OP, their parents’ financial circumstances may have changed, they want to meet new people, want a change, like the look of another school, another school offers different subjects, facilities to.

By and large kids tend to move around within the private sector much more than within the state, it’s not seen as such a big deal.

christinarossetti19 · 11/10/2021 11:51

dreamingbohemian the OP says that she didn't want to miss the opportunity of being able to afford to buy rather than rent.

To afford to buy, she had to move out of the area where she was living, her son was at school and she was working.

Lots of people do this, most people probably given house prices.

Covid happened, offices changed and OP is now wfh. Most workplaces don't let you clock off for a couple of hours mid-afternoon to collect your child from school.

Ds hanging around school/going to library/going to club is an option, but still means that someone has to drive nearly 2 hours during rush hour five days a week to collect him.

If OP was still working in her office, she would have a 45 min drive twice a day. That's in pita but doable territory.

A 90 min drive twice a day, on top of a full days work, considerably less so.

rookiemere · 11/10/2021 11:57

It's a 45 mile drive each way not minutes. Sorry to be pedantic but it must be a minimum of an hour each way.

Blossomtoes · 11/10/2021 11:58

13 year old behaves like a mature teenager

There’s an oxymoron! I can see his point of view entirely. If you still had to go to the office you’d have had to suck up the commute and that was the basis on which you moved house. There are three of you to facilitate this commute, I think you’re being unreasonable.

christinarossetti19 · 11/10/2021 12:01

@rookiemere

It's a 45 mile drive each way not minutes. Sorry to be pedantic but it must be a minimum of an hour each way.
Good point.

Yes, depending on the route and time of day well over an hour each way.

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 11/10/2021 12:03

If your job needs you to be back in the office again will the commute suddenly be manageable again for you?
He only needs to get up 20 minutes earlier so presumably the 45 miles is on motorways and dual carriageways - not winding country roads that take hours.
Personally, I think you suck it up. You'd be happily doing it if you still had to commute and the commute obviously isn't much longer than you had from your old house if he only gets up 20 mins earlier.

Blackberrybunnet · 11/10/2021 12:06

You promised him and now you have changed your mind. He can use public transport. My parents moved me at the same age and I never settled in the new place, and never forgave them for it either. And they hadn't even promised to let me stay at my old school in the first place. Just saying ...

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/10/2021 12:13

Christ, he's not going to die if he moves schools. Just move him. Get him to accept why and decide the next school with him.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 11/10/2021 12:15

I'm actually depressed reading this. How has society managed to fail so many children by raising them to be completely unable to cope with change when necessary? It must be a western culture thing, honestly.

Tinpotspectator · 11/10/2021 12:15

It was unwise to promise him, but at the same time life changed happen and long term he may actually benefit from the experience of a change. Mine did when they had to move, and it may make a young adult move easier, as they've done it before and lived to tell the tale. What they fear is losing and not making friends, so focus a lot on that.

1Endeavour2 · 11/10/2021 12:20

Life changes, shit happens. Our western kids are grossly overprotected, coddled even.

How will he be prepared if something really awful happens? Be truthful with him.

Beautiful3 · 11/10/2021 12:22

It's 45 miles away?! Wow, he has to change schools, it's not sustainable at all. You're the gown ups, you look around some local schools and move him ASAP. Otherwise you'll be doing this drive until he leaves school!!

HoneyDewMel · 11/10/2021 12:26

I changed School and country at 15 and thought my life as I knew it was over.

First day at new school I absolutely loved it and never looked back.

I stayed in touch with my old friends but thoroughly enjoyed my new life and new friends.

I'm friends with people from both schools 30 years later

julieca · 11/10/2021 12:30

I changed school at 12. It was shit. But at least I changed to a better school. At this stage in the term, you are going to have to take a school where there are still places left, which will likely be a very unpopular one.

christinarossetti19 · 11/10/2021 12:31

@julieca

I changed school at 12. It was shit. But at least I changed to a better school. At this stage in the term, you are going to have to take a school where there are still places left, which will likely be a very unpopular one.
That's not necessarily true.

Places come up in schools for lots of different reasons.

OP, contact your local authority and ask which local schools have places as a start.

TaraR2020 · 11/10/2021 12:36

It might be that a place at a good school doesn't come up for a few months so you all have time to prepare. Living in the area, he could join some clubs and start making friends before he starts at a new school. It also gives him time to get used to the idea of moving.

You might also find the commuting manageable if you know it's time limited.

julieca · 11/10/2021 12:36

Not automatically true, but probable. This is early in the new term. It is unusual for children to leave a good school at this stage, and there may be a waiting list already for places in the best schools. It is why if you are going to move a child, timing is important.

SecretGardenn · 11/10/2021 12:55

Tricky one.
You really shouldn't have promised him, if you break that promise it will damage your relationship, especially at his age.
Look around local schools with him which might encourage him to try it.
Did you promise he could keep going there or that you would take him? If he really wants to continue, I would say that he needs to get bus there/back. Here that would mean crack of down and 2/3+ buses but if you live somewhere more built up might be case of just 1 train or 1 bus and a train etc.