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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS won't move school

422 replies

PardonBeeOne · 10/10/2021 23:21

We bought a house and had to move 45 miles away. The house was what we could afford and did not want to miss the opportunity.
I foolishly promised my DS 13, that he would not have to move schools as I would have kept my job in our old area.
Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible. I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

It's not sustainable

Now DS does not want to move schools. My fear is if I force the issue, it might affect his grades therefore wanted to involve him as much as possible. But the drive is killing us, it's tiring even though there is 3 of us taking turns 😔
We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ 😳

WWYD?

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 11/10/2021 16:39

I moved a lot as a child and went to numerous different schools. The one thing my parents did right was to stay put through senior school years. With our own children we did one move around year 1 and never moved again until the youngest left 6th form.

I think that moving schools from age 11 to 16 is only done if it absolutely has to happen or it's for the benfit of the child.

It's done now, so not sure what you want us to say.

2bazookas · 11/10/2021 16:40

Well, now you have to admit you made a false and unrealistic promise and as a result he has NO CHOICE but to move school; end of.
If there is any choice of local schools you could offer to look at their website/prospectus together and discuss which might suit him best. If he won't co-operate you'll have to choose for him.

Yet again, you are MISLEADING HIM and giving him a false impression he can stay at old school. That is totally unfair.

STOP driving him to old school. It is unkind and dishonest to further the fantasy he can stay there another five years.

Yes, moving schools can be disruptive; but the longer you ignore reality and pretend it's not happening, the harder it will be for him to adjust and settle in.

christinarossetti19 · 11/10/2021 16:47

To be fair, there will need to be arrangements made to drive ds to school until there is a place in a local school.

It's not MISLEADING HIM by taking him to school.

LimitIsUp · 11/10/2021 17:07

I wouldn't worry about it affecting his grades at age 13. He's year 8/9 right? It's bit like it's Y10/11

LimitIsUp · 11/10/2021 17:10

Meant to say "it's not like it's Y10/11"

LIZS · 11/10/2021 17:13

Agree he has to move but can understand his reluctance if he is settled and has lived there long term. Making the promise was daft and you need to admit your mistake. How long ago did you move? If he has hobbies can you find more local activities or teams so he has new friends. Then it won't be so much of an unknown to change school and by doing so he will gain more down time.

LIZS · 11/10/2021 17:24

And bear in mind in the independent sector a lot of pupils move for year 9 and do well academically and socially.

rookiemere · 11/10/2021 17:32

It reads to me as if OP found out before they moved that her job would become/remain WFH. Surely that was the time to think properly about DSs schooling rather than ploughing ahead and lying to him so that he'd move willingly.

Now if it's entirely impossible for OP to work from an office at school location, then she needs to apologise to her DS and tell him that he needs to move. Highly likely he'll hold a grudge against her but that was always going to be the price of the shiny new house. Same that a 13 year old DS is the one to have to pay it.

julieca · 11/10/2021 17:33

@Kiduknot I dont think this was ever going to be practical long term

episcomama · 11/10/2021 17:40

@Irishfarmer

I'd move him, 90 miles before you start work is going to wear you out.

You know him best, but surely he will adjust? I moved to England at age 12, and started secondary school in year 8. A lot of friendship groups were firmly formed, many of the girls had also gone to the primary school attached to the school. But I still managed to fit in. It was only 15 miles from were we lived but took about 45mins due to traffic and that was tiring enough (there were no places in the local school). Then I couldn't always meet my friends every time you know pop around to just hang out after school on a Wednesday.

Then moved back to Ireland at 16 so entering A -Levels, but unlike England no one changes schools for A Levels, so again all well established friend groups. But I managed, and still have many friends from school. That one was better, as it was walking distance so I could meet friends whenever I wanted

I completely agree. Though my view may be colored by the fact that we have just moved house and all three of my kids have changed school. One is, like OP's child, thirteen.

Change is hard, but not impossible. Circumstances have changed and he'll have to adapt. With support, he'll get there. It's a school change, not the death of a parent.

julieca · 11/10/2021 17:43

I am in the middle ground. I think it is shit for your DS. You haven't said how long it takes to get him there? If it is more than 90 minutes round trip I would move him. But I would not pretend, oh its all going to be easy, he will quickly make new friends, etc.
I would start by recognising this may be tough for him and he wont trust you again for a long time if ever. And plan what I need to put in place to help with that transition
That would include not just putting him in a sink school because it is the only one that has an immediate space, but waiting for a decent school. Helping him build friends locally through local clubs and activities. Being prepared that he will be very angry and accepting he has a right to be as trust has been broken. Working hard on my relationship with him.

rookiemere · 11/10/2021 17:50

Those who said they/their DCs moved schools and it was fine aren't in the same position. If DS had been told at time of moving house that he would need to change school and agree that it would be hard for him but better overall in the long run for all the family, then he'd probably be settled in his new school by now.

That's not what happened so now as well as facing the inevitability of a new school mid term, the DS has to get over the fact his DM effectively lied to get him to move house.

catelina · 11/10/2021 18:03

There was no lying. A 13 year old is perfectly capable of understanding that circumstances change, and they have.

It's a bit shit for him but the situation is the situation.

Take him to look around the school you'd like him to move to. You never know, he might even like it.

SpaceshiptoMars · 11/10/2021 18:07

"He'll resent you. He'll hold a grudge. He'll have to get over the fact that...."

Big bloody deal. This is called growing up. If I resented every time I got put last as a child I'd be permanently simmering like a kettle! We do not have the right to have life go our way, not even most of the time. When it does, rejoice!

This generation will have much bigger horrors to come to terms with than having to change school. Shielding them from reality is doing them no favours whatsoever.

Inastatus · 11/10/2021 18:07

@LimitIsUp

I wouldn't worry about it affecting his grades at age 13. He's year 8/9 right? It's bit like it's Y10/11
Poor kid is already up against it though (as are many others) after the last couple of years of disrupted education. He was probably looking forward to a near normal school year and now he has this to deal with. All these posters brushing it off as no big deal have obviously forgotten what it was like being a teenager, let alone a teenager just emerging from a pandemic, lockdowns, isolations, remote learning etc.
julieca · 11/10/2021 18:09

@catelina

There was no lying. A 13 year old is perfectly capable of understanding that circumstances change, and they have.

It's a bit shit for him but the situation is the situation.

Take him to look around the school you'd like him to move to. You never know, he might even like it.

Of course there was lying. OP has driven him there for one week.
AlexaShutUp · 11/10/2021 18:11

@rookiemere

Those who said they/their DCs moved schools and it was fine aren't in the same position. If DS had been told at time of moving house that he would need to change school and agree that it would be hard for him but better overall in the long run for all the family, then he'd probably be settled in his new school by now.

That's not what happened so now as well as facing the inevitability of a new school mid term, the DS has to get over the fact his DM effectively lied to get him to move house.

Exactly.

Moving schools would be hard for most kids, but sometimes it has to happen, and with the right support, there is no reason why they shouldn't be able to adapt and thrive in the new environment. It would be ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

The issue is not that they moved, but rather that the OP wasn't honest with the child before they moved about the possible implications of that. It was never a sustainable solution to commute all that way for several years, contingent on the OP's job staying exactly as it was. The promise shouldn't have been made in the first place. Perhaps now it will have to be broken but it's stupid to pretend that there won't be any fallout from that with regard to how the child perceives the parent. Trust has been broken, and the OP is going to have to work bloody hard to repair it.

AlexaShutUp · 11/10/2021 18:17

I don't think there was lying as such. I don't suppose that was a deliberate and calculated attempt to deceive. However, there was clearly an abject failure to think things through in even a half-arsed manner before the promise was made, and that in itself is quite damaging as far as trust is concerned. It suggests that being able to keep the promise wasn't ever an important consideration.

TatianaBis · 11/10/2021 18:21

@LIZS

And bear in mind in the independent sector a lot of pupils move for year 9 and do well academically and socially.
Absolutely. As I said children in the independent sector move around more.

Kids go to prep school and then they all disperse to different schools at 11 or 13. Then they may choose to move elsewhere for sixth form. There isn’t the same tie to local schools and local school friends within the same catchment area as in the state system.

I changed prep school and then I changed senior schools. No problem at all, I really enjoyed going somewhere new and just ended up with more friends.

As an adult I know kids who’ve changed schools, some of whom due to the pandemic, they’re all fine.

I’ve honestly never heard anyone make such a fuss about moving schools as this thread.

AlexaShutUp · 11/10/2021 18:27

Why don't people get it?

The fuss isn't about moving schools at all. Sometimes that's just how things have to be. We all get that.

The fuss is about the fact that the parent promised the kid that they wouldn't have to move schools. And is now wanting to renege on that promise because it no longer suits her.

Can't people see the difference?

SpaceshiptoMars · 11/10/2021 18:29

The fuss is about the fact that the parent promised the kid that they wouldn't have to move schools. And is now wanting to renege on that promise because it no longer suits her.

People promise to stay married. They don't. That's life, get used to it.

TatianaBis · 11/10/2021 18:34

The fuss is about the fact that the parent promised the kid that they wouldn't have to move schools. And is now wanting to renege on that promise because it no longer suits her.

No, she reneged on the promise because the pandemic completely changed the workplace and she ended up working from home. Thus the original plan was no longer practicable.

AlexaShutUp · 11/10/2021 18:34

@SpaceshiptoMars

The fuss is about the fact that the parent promised the kid that they wouldn't have to move schools. And is now wanting to renege on that promise because it no longer suits her.

People promise to stay married. They don't. That's life, get used to it.

Is that really what you want to teach your child? That promises are meaningless and you shouldn't trust anyone?

Wow.

SpaceshiptoMars · 11/10/2021 18:40

Is that really what you want to teach your child? That promises are meaningless and you shouldn't trust anyone?

I'd be teaching them that I'm fallible (fine with me), and that you don't keep promises that drive the entire family into the ground for the sake of one very arsey teenager!

AlexaShutUp · 11/10/2021 18:42

@TatianaBis

The fuss is about the fact that the parent promised the kid that they wouldn't have to move schools. And is now wanting to renege on that promise because it no longer suits her.

No, she reneged on the promise because the pandemic completely changed the workplace and she ended up working from home. Thus the original plan was no longer practicable.

But it should have been made clear from the start that the arrangement was contingent on the OP staying in that job. There could never have been any guarantees about that, so was it made clear to the child that the school agreement was entirely conditional on the job?

In any case, if the OP has only started doing the drive very recently, as indicated in the initial post, the pandemic wasn't an unknown factor when they moved. There has been plenty of discussion in the media about whether remote working might become the norm for some employers, so why wasn't this possibility at least considered?

It seems to me that a promise was made to persuade the child to get on board with the move, without any real commitment ever having been in place to honour that promise if it turned out to be inconvenient. If that's how other people choose to parent, then good luck to them. We all reap what we sow.