DS won't move school

[PardonBeeOne]

We bought a house and had to move 45 miles away. The house was what we could afford and did not want to miss the opportunity.
I foolishly promised my DS 13, that he would not have to move schools as I would have kept my job in our old area.
Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible. I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

It's not sustainable

Now DS does not want to move schools. My fear is if I force the issue, it might affect his grades therefore wanted to involve him as much as possible. But the drive is killing us, it's tiring even though there is 3 of us taking turns 😔
We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ 😳

WWYD?

You could start by a small bribe just to get him to agreement to look at a school with no commitment. Then see if anything about it appeals. Try and build his life in the new place. Talk about what the extra time and money could mean. See if he can be won round.

The issue is that no one knows if he will cope and move in. It depends on so many things. What school will he go to instead? Will there be any choice for a place in a decent school? Does the DS make friends easily, or does he struggle? What has the DS life been like in the last 18 months? Has he really struggled and this will be one struggle too much? Or has he been relatively fine and will take this in his stride?
It really isn't as simple as saying he will cope. There are so many variables.

The same could be said of so many things though. In the scheme of things the idea that moving schools is going to ruin her ds's life is a bit silly imo. There are loads of threads here telling people to move their DC schools for other reasons (kids are bored, bullying, etc) and no suggestion that this risks damaging their DC for life.

That is not at all comparable. You are talking about situations where a child is not happy in their current school.

It’s a tricky one. You are both right, but it must be costing a fortune. 180 miles a day. It’s not really feasible is it.

You are going to have to move him. Another covid casualty and no ones fault. Can you offer to take him over both weekend days to compensate?

@Blossomtoes

It's about a parent whose circumstances have changed and is now facing the reality of driving for 180 miles a day, in addition to a full day's work, trying to do what's best for her family.

It’s about a parent who was perfectly happy to do the commute when she had to do it for herself. She could drive 90 miles a day by returning to the office. After all, that was her intention when she originally moved.

I live in London. I've just checked Google Maps and it's 44m from where I live to Cambridge. I think it was insane that the OP originally thought it was sustainable for a teen to go that distance too and from school each day. Even if she was still working in the area. So the "circumstances" where entirely predictable and the OP just didn't think things through properly so made a promise to her so that she was never going to keep. Of course he's going to end up changing schools but he's very likely to resent his parents for it for a long time. And I don't blame him.

But the unknowns are just the same. And sometimes the kids are generally happy but the parents are worried about the school performance or something. It's not an identical situation but it still paints the picture of kids moving schools and living to tell the tale.

I'd sit him down and tell him it's not working out. It's exahusting and you can't do it.

You might want to take him on a school run on the weekend, make him sit in the car there and back then again in the afternoon to show him what you are going through every day.

It was a mistake making a promise he could stay in his old school, but sometimes you can't keep promises due to circumstances.

I'd start looking for schools immediately and apply to your nearest good school.

Due to covid not many tight friendship groups will have formed, kids all started secondary school in September then went into lockdown in April he should be fine, keep an eye on how he progresses at school.

Can't believe people berating you for not continuing to rent, because it suits them 🙄

He'll be fine, tell him this is how it will have to be as the current situation is not sustainable. I wouldn't bribe him or anything just apologise for the promise you made but life doesn't always go to plan.

@julieca

The issue is that no one knows if he will cope and move in. It depends on so many things. What school will he go to instead? Will there be any choice for a place in a decent school? Does the DS make friends easily, or does he struggle? What has the DS life been like in the last 18 months? Has he really struggled and this will be one struggle too much? Or has he been relatively fine and will take this in his stride? It really isn't as simple as saying he will cope. There are so many variables.

Of course he will cope, he’s 13. It’s not like he’s changing country and having to learn a new language.

@honkytonkheroe

I wouldn't move him. We moved when my daughter had just finished reception having got a lovely set of friends. I drove her to school all through years 1-6 and I would do it again for sure. Moving a child's school at 13 is a big deal.

Was it 180 mile round trip like op is having to do while wfh

OP, what would you have decided to do initially if you had known that your work pattern/place would change?

Kids have promises made to them broken. They cope and deal with it and life moves on.

Yes, they cope and deal with it and life moves on. But they lose trust in their parents along the way, and that does have an impact on relationships.

The people who say it doesn't matter if promises to children are broken are the ones who end up with teenagers who don't trust or respect them.

I do think a promise being broken through no fault of your own is different from a promise being broken for entirely predictable reasons.
So you promise to take your child to some attraction and it burns down, is different from you promise to take your child to an attraction and then say you won't as it is too far to travel.

And truthfully, some people have terrible relationships with their teenagers and I can see why. You have to treat them like people, not just as inconveniences you can order around to suit yourself.

@julieca

And truthfully, some people have terrible relationships with their teenagers and I can see why. You have to treat them like people, not just as inconveniences you can order around to suit yourself.

Yes, absolutely!

I read some of the comments on these threads and I begin to understand why some of dd's friends have such poor relationships with their parents. Trust and respect go both ways!

I live in London. I've just checked Google Maps and it's 44m from where I live to Cambridge

So do I. If you live near King’s Cross it’s only an hour to Cambridge. Equally, it’s 50 odd miles from me to Brighton yet only a hour on the train. It took me an hour to get to school in London.

@julieca

I do think a promise being broken through no fault of your own is different from a promise being broken for entirely predictable reasons. So you promise to take your child to some attraction and it burns down, is different from you promise to take your child to an attraction and then say you won't as it is too far to travel.

Is Covid entirely predictable?

And we’re not talking about theme parks, we’re talking about school.

OP made a promise that was viable at the time as she was commuting to that area for work. Now she is not, it is no longer viable.

That’s how real life is.

FFS with the drama again. No one is suggesting ordering anyone about. It's precisely because they are people with relationships that they will cope, or are capable of coping, and why they won't necessarily lose all faith forever - because you can approach it by acknowledging their real concerns, your real sadness about the impact your broken promise will have and working through it together. But ploughing on with a madcap scheme because "you promised" is not a neutral act either. It will also have impacts.

@longestlurkerever

FFS with the drama again. No one is suggesting ordering anyone about. It's precisely because they are people with relationships that they will cope, or are capable of coping, and why they won't necessarily lose all faith forever - because you can approach it by acknowledging their real concerns, your real sadness about the impact your broken promise will have and working through it together. But ploughing on with a madcap scheme because "you promised" is not a neutral act either. It will also have impacts.

Agreed.

Among all the dramatic squawking, who on this thread actually has 4 hours a day and 4k a year spare to indulge this?

I don’t think it’s a good idea to keep it up, it’s so far. A shame it was done as it was but the best you can do is try to manage it well and move on.

I can see why your son feels the way he does. You were prepared to drive when it suited you for work but now that you don't have to consider this you've changed your mind and it's too tiring. Your behaviour comes across as selfish not his.

@longestlurkerever

FFS with the drama again. No one is suggesting ordering anyone about. It's precisely because they are people with relationships that they will cope, or are capable of coping, and why they won't necessarily lose all faith forever - because you can approach it by acknowledging their real concerns, your real sadness about the impact your broken promise will have and working through it together. But ploughing on with a madcap scheme because "you promised" is not a neutral act either. It will also have impacts.

Yes, to some extent, I agree. Ploughing on with a stupid idea "because you promised" is not always desirable. That's why it is never sensible to make throwaway promises that you can't actually be confident of keeping.

If the move was unavoidable, it would have been much more honest to tell the child upfront that they would have to move schools. Or at the very least, that they might have to if circumstances changed. Regardless of the pandemic/shift to home working, it was entirely predictable that the OP's job might change - due to illness, redundancy etc. This should always have been discussed as a possibility.

I can understand why your DS is upset. You shouldn’t have promised. I think you need to see what is available in the local area school wise for him and try and integrate him into the area. Is he Year 8 or Year 9?

My dd is 11 and has gone to a completely different secondary to her peers. She’s autistic and we chose a specialist autism school 30 minutes away. She’s socially struggling a lot and missing her friends and the pool of people at her school is small as it’s a very small school. So moving is a big deal to some kids. A lot I think will depend on the personality of your son. I don’t believe in coddling kids and them accepting change etc but the teen years are hard to navigate. I was bullied and this affected me for years. I don’t think anyone can know how the move will affect your son except you. First and foremost is to see what school places are available.

OP, life moves on and things change. You have rights too:

1. I have the right to ask for what I want

1. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.

1. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.

1. I have the right to change my mind.

1. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.

and more here:
samhorrockscounselling.co.uk/confidence-self-esteem-and-assertiveness/

@julieca

I do think a promise being broken through no fault of your own is different from a promise being broken for entirely predictable reasons. So you promise to take your child to some attraction and it burns down, is different from you promise to take your child to an attraction and then say you won't as it is too far to travel.

COVID is not the ops fault or predictable