DS won't move school

[PardonBeeOne]

We bought a house and had to move 45 miles away. The house was what we could afford and did not want to miss the opportunity.
I foolishly promised my DS 13, that he would not have to move schools as I would have kept my job in our old area.
Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible. I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

It's not sustainable

Now DS does not want to move schools. My fear is if I force the issue, it might affect his grades therefore wanted to involve him as much as possible. But the drive is killing us, it's tiring even though there is 3 of us taking turns 😔
We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ 😳

WWYD?

OP - the school commute is unsustainable. Your DS does not yet have the emotional intelligence to see the added stress this is having on your family dynamic.
I am assuming your DS has no SEN that need to be taken into consideration.
You need to get onto the council and see the admissions policy for secondary schools ASAP and find out which schools have spaces in his year group.
Look at the league tables, go and have a look around them. Talk to the teachers, ask how they integrate new children into the school.
Is your DS particularly into arts or sports etc? Is there a local school that specialises in it?

It will be hard for him for a bit - maybe a week or so, but schools are usually pretty good about this sort of thing.

Also bribery can be useful - is he after a bike or an x-box? He can only have this as you will be saving petrol money.

I am definitely not prioritising myself but I have come to a realisation that financially and energy wise, it's not sustainable. Esp with threats of food and gas bills going up.

If this is the case and he's Y9 I'd be making the move sooner rather than later - as GCSe work often start in Y9. It would also give him some time to settle before Y10 and pace increases.

I'd be urgently talking the local LEA and seeing what options there are for local school. The whole situation is far from ideal - I would be loathed to moved a child this close to GCSE and happily settled but if that's where you are - I'd stop prolonging idea that there is a choice or hope that it's not going to occur and I wouldn't expect said child to be happy about decision.

If it was me I would rent out the house you just bought and move back to a rental near his school for his GCSEs. But I say that as someone who moved a child after year 7 and then it took her 2 years to resettled into a new school and it was very upsetting watching her so distressed.
It prob really depends how socialable he is to be honest. If he makes friends easily - then moving might not be such an issue. But if he struggles than it might be very difficult for him.

All the people banging on about resilience and learning to deal with change are missing the point. This isn't about whether the child should have to adapt to a new school because his parents have had to move. In many cases, that would be unavoidable.

This is about the parent having made a promise to the child, knowing the distance involved, and then going back on that promise because they have realised that it doesn't suit them.

Children do not develop resilience or adaptability by learning that their parents cannot be trusted. Quite the contrary - children are far more able to cope with change and uncertainty in their lives when they are confident that their core relationships are solid, reliable and unshakeable.

It's quite simple. If you cannot be sure of keeping a promise to your child, just don't make it in the first place. I would not breach the trust that my daughter has in me for anything.

I would like to hear more from OP about some of the suggestions made here. I would also like to know - does your DH and DS older sibling both work from home too? If not can they not drop DS somewhere where he can public transport to / from school.

I would also like to know if you are all happy in the new neighbourhood or if it has been a bad move generally.

@julieca

Not automatically true, but probable. This is early in the new term. It is unusual for children to leave a good school at this stage, and there may be a waiting list already for places in the best schools. It is why if you are going to move a child, timing is important.

If it's a school where GCSE courses are started in Year 9, it's going to be incredibly unlikely that anyone will move at this stage. There's a bit more change if the school doesn't start GCSE until Year 10. I think there is a genuine possibility that OP will actually struggle to find a suitable local place.

Why dont you ask to go back to working in your office? (I moved schools at that age, hated it and still am angry with my parents, also ruined my exam results)

What about home schooling?
I took my son out at age 13 and he is self taught, taking exams next month.
There is so much information now online regarding education that by age 13 they are more than capable of being resourceful and learning it themselves
.

@Moonface123 that can work if the 13-year-old is motivated and wants to do that. If not and they are resentful, it can be pretty disastrous.

This is about the parent having made a promise to the child, knowing the distance involved, and then going back on that promise because they have realised that it doesn't suit them.

This is completely on the money. It’s a really rubbish thing to do.

RE: moving schools.

We don't know where in the country OP lives.

I do think it's important to find out if any local schools have places in Y9 and what the schools are like.

Part of making a decision to move is knowing what you're moving to.

And school waiting lists aren't organised in terms of 'first come, first served'.

Distance to school is nearly always one of the priority factors, after LAC and siblings.

@Blossomtoes

This is about the parent having made a promise to the child, knowing the distance involved, and then going back on that promise because they have realised that it doesn't suit them.

This is completely on the money. It’s a really rubbish thing to do.

Don't be ridiculous.

It's about a parent whose circumstances have changed and is now facing the reality of driving for 180 miles a day, in addition to a full day's work, trying to do what's best for her family.

If it's a school where GCSE courses are started in Year 9, it's going to be incredibly unlikely that anyone will move at this stage. There's a bit more change if the school doesn't start GCSE until Year 10. I think there is a genuine possibility that OP will actually struggle to find a suitable local place.

DN school and my DC school in different parts of the counrty start core subject GCSE work after Christmas Y9 often before they tell the the available GCSE options. They don't tell them if they've got their options till summer term - there was odd pupil who moved end of y9/start Y10 but having started some of the core GCSE subjects that wasn't an easy choice.

So I agree the OP need to talk to the local schools and find out what the situation is and what their options are and as soon as possible.

It's about a parent whose circumstances have changed and is now facing the reality of driving for 180 miles a day, in addition to a full day's work, trying to do what's best for her family.

It’s about a parent who was perfectly happy to do the commute when she had to do it for herself. She could drive 90 miles a day by returning to the office. After all, that was her intention when she originally moved.

I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

How long have you lived in this house

Surely you knew how long the drive would take you as must have thought I will be doing this daily for my work

Know you say it is tiring

And add on petrol crisis

I’m se. Last job was 43 miles each way so 86 a shift and an hours travel

Obv I had to queue to find diesel but managed it

I feel you should keep your promise and if you were at the office this wouldn’t be a problem

Equally this is his new life so ideally needs to find a school and friends and activities locally

Find out what schools have places

My children have a just over 20 mile trip to secondary school, and there are others who travel about 30. We live rurally and there's not a lot of choice in the matter. It's ok, but if it was avoidable I'm pretty sure everyone would like a closer option.
The days are long. Doing extracurricular activities can be difficult. Seeing friends after school or at weekends is tricky. And that is at a school where travelling a long distance is the norm, so there are both formal and informal systems in place to help. My boys go to school on a dedicated bus with 40 odd other kids from our village and the next one. Obviously there's still a cost and environmental impact but it is far less than for an individual. There's a social aspect to the bus and whilst friendship groups do expand to include pupils who live elsewhere, most still have school friends who are fairly local. And if they want to stay for something after school there's a good chance that another pupil in the village is staying too so we have a parents WhatsApp group to ensure that we minimise the number of parents travelling and try to help each other so that children don't miss out on activities. If we didn't have that network things would be a lot harder all round.
Also, because it's the norm for people to live a long way from the town and from each other, the kids completely understand that it's difficult for everyone to get to everything and it rarely causes any upset or falling out if someone doesn't make it to a social event. I can imagine that if it was just one child out of a group who couldn't meet up regularly that one could quite easily become isolated from school friends, whilst simultaneously finding it hard to make local friends who go to other schools.
I don't think your arrangements are sustainable the long term OP, or in the best interests of anyone in the family. Your DS does have a right to have his feelings considered but they don't trump everyone else's. Driving 180 miles a day to take one child to school is expensive, draining and environmentally irresponsible and it will probably take it's toll on your DS too in the long term. That's not to say that moving will be without its challenges, but it is better done now before he really gets into his GCSE courses. Your DS is probably too young to see the bigger picture here. It was a bad idea to promise him that he wouldn't change schools but what's done is done. You didn't deliberately deceive him. Circumstances have changed and you have got to deal with where you are now. What you are doing now is one thing if it is a stop gap til you find somewhere suitable locally, but if you don't act soon you are potentially doing it for another 5 years whatever the weather, traffic conditions or your other commitments etc. The longer you leave it the harder it will get so I think you really need to make a decision soon.

@Blossomtoes

It's about a parent whose circumstances have changed and is now facing the reality of driving for 180 miles a day, in addition to a full day's work, trying to do what's best for her family.

It’s about a parent who was perfectly happy to do the commute when she had to do it for herself. She could drive 90 miles a day by returning to the office. After all, that was her intention when she originally moved.

Op says that her employer changed her working arrangements. It doesn't sound as though she has the option to resume working full time in her workplace.

Even if she does, she also explains that the realities of rising fuel and food costs mean that driving nearly 200 miles per day is not sustainable.

I can't see any sign that fuel/heating costs won't be rising, ditto food costs.

Throwing away over £100 a week on petrol/diesel isn't something that most families can do lightly, I wouldn't have thought.

That's how life works. You make plans, things change, you make new plans.

It wouldn’t be nearly 200 miles a day if she went back to the office. It would be less than 100. I’d be asking my employer if it was possible to be office based again.

@Moonface123

What about home schooling? I took my son out at age 13 and he is self taught, taking exams next month. There is so much information now online regarding education that by age 13 they are more than capable of being resourceful and learning it themselves .

I think a main reason for not wanting to move schools is because of the friendships he has made so even assuming he is self-motivated and resourceful enough to cope with, home schooling it would probably just make him feel even more isolated.

I wouldn't move him. We moved when my daughter had just finished reception having got a lovely set of friends. I drove her to school all through years 1-6 and I would do it again for sure. Moving a child's school at 13 is a big deal.

Tricky one as you promised him

Do schools close by have availability?

And can you go back to working in the office

@honkytonkheroe but how far away did you move? Was it 45 miles? Also moving schools at primary is pretty easy for the average child. It just seems quite excessive to do an extended commute to a primary school for 6 years - unless you just moved to the next village / town.

We just could not continue renting until after his GCSEs.

Why not?

From OP :

"When this buying process started, I had started going back to the office, so it was not going to be a problem because we would have ‘killed 2 birds’ with one stone, but the employer changed it again." So ask your employer to let you work in the office, that is what you had decided to do when you moved. Nothing has changed from your original decision (apart from you have realised that its tiring.) Have you asked your employer and what is their reason for making you work from home?

I agree that some of these posts are overly dramatic. This is by no means ideal but it is get-overable. Kids move schools. Kids have promises made to them broken. They cope and deal with it and life moves on.