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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds(14) hit me and won’t apologise

174 replies

Atalossthistime · 17/09/2021 20:31

On Wednesday evening I was putting tea on the table. Ds(14, nearly 15) asked for a different knife - there was a slight mark on it. He was wearing his dressing gown and I went to wipe it on him as a joke, whereupon he punched me on the arm, hard, and shouted at me.

I subsequently apologised for my joke, but he is refusing to apologise to me. He argued at the time saying he would do it again because what I had done was disgusting. When told that “we don’t hit in this house” he replied “well I do”.

I honestly don’t know what to do. Dh has spoken to him numerous times. We have not removed privileges like phone because I think he will just say sorry to get them back. I have stopped giving him a lift to school though, and have barely spoken to him, but he doesn’t seem to care.

I am so upset and bewildered really.

Other than the usual teenage stuff he is fine. Doing well in school. Socialising. Etc. We get on ok, although he won’t let me touch or hug him and hasn’t for a couple of years now.

I could go and sit and talk to him but sort of feel that he should make the first move at his age, is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
melissasummerfield · 17/09/2021 20:41

Well I wouldn't have apologise for the joke and I absolutely would be taking away all the tech and he wouldn't be getting it back after a simple apology either!

Also where is your DH in all of this? If any of my brothers would have dared to lay a finger on my mum there would have been absolute hell to pay, and my dad was / is the most chilled parent going.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 17/09/2021 20:43

He sounds resentful towards you if he hasn't hugged you in such a long time. Is he holding a grudge of some sort?
Sounds deeper than the incident mentioned op...
Sorry you are having a rubbish time.

Original poster
Atalossthistime · 17/09/2021 20:46

You’re probably right. The last thing I said to him was that I thought he was sorry but was too immature to take ownership of it and I do believe that, but I find it really difficult that he has had ample opportunities to apologise or make amends and he just won’t take them.

OP posts:
leavesthataregreen · 17/09/2021 20:49

I would be furious. I'd be tempted to say he has to apologise and mean it by bedtime tonight or I will contact the police about the assault because no man gets away with hitting a woman in my home. And I'd mean it. The police are pretty good at giving teens a scare if they start showing signs of domestic violence.

Original poster
Atalossthistime · 17/09/2021 20:49

Dh has talked to him several times and told him he needs to make it up to me if he is sorry, but nothing.

OP posts:
stripedbananas · 17/09/2021 20:49

My DS would think I was a complete dick if I did that to him so I totally understand why he took offence and walloped you.

I mean as far as he's concerned you've rubbed a knife against his arm which is alarming if you're not expecting it and then you go and make a big fuss about it. Don't rub knives on people, it's weird. So no sympathy from me OO

Smartiepants79 · 17/09/2021 20:50

So what actual consequences have there been for his behaviour.
A violent overreaction like this could get him a visit from the police if he did it with anyone other than his forgiving mother.
He does not seem to have understood the seriousness of what he’s done at all.

EllieLondon5 · 17/09/2021 20:52

Oh do shut up striped you’re embarrassing yourself.

stripedbananas · 17/09/2021 20:54

Violent domestic abusive son. Give me a break. Don't joke around rubbing knives on people it's not cool or funnny. Get a grip and learn to behave yourself at the dinner table and not act like a younger sister making a fuss and blaming your DS to your DH.

IDidntFloatUpTheLaganInABubble · 17/09/2021 20:54

Seriously people think its OK for your DS to punch you over a silly joke, no way is that acceptable.

Yes he can be cross about it, yes he can be pissed off but no he can't punch you and get away with it.

No advice but hope you get the situation resolved OP

BronwenFrideswide · 17/09/2021 20:54

If he wanted a different knife why didn't he just get up and get one, or why didn't you tell him to? Do you always dance to his tune?

He doesn't seem to have any respect for you which is why he acts the way he does, won't apologise and doesn't care about you not taking him to school.

Bit late now but you don't seem to have bothered with punishments for a very long time and this is the result.

Also this:

I absolutely would be taking away all the tech and he wouldn't be getting it back after a simple apology either!

Also where is your DH in all of this? If any of my brothers would have dared to lay a finger on my mum there would have been absolute hell to pay, and my dad was / is the most chilled parent going.

Original poster
Atalossthistime · 17/09/2021 20:55

To be honest, no consequences other than me being upset with him, which clearly means little to him (lesson learned there). And the loss of a lift in the mornings.
Now it looks like I am sulking rather than being in charge of the situation, and I feel like an idiot.
stripedbananas please don’t make me feel worse than I already do. Just needed some advice.

OP posts:
DrDreReturns · 17/09/2021 20:55

We had something similar with our son. We phoned the police and they came round and had a word with him. You need to take this seriously or he will think he can get away with it.

Tangledtresses · 17/09/2021 20:56

Oh I've been through this mine is now nearly 17

They are absolute bell ends at this age and the entitlement and animosity is astounding to say the least!

However, he seems to have come out of it now and we've had a few chats since

He won't remember this incident
But you will and did the right thing to pull him up the next day

The only way I got through those years
Keep boundaries tight
Bring it up when they have calmed down
And give them a hug even when they say no go away you're weird
Or just shout LOVE YOU up stairs

They just have to know we love them
Also probably something going on snap chat that you and I will never know about

Also striped bananas SHUT UP 😀😀😀

Puffalicious · 17/09/2021 20:56

@stripedbananas

My DS would think I was a complete dick if I did that to him so I totally understand why he took offence and walloped you.

I mean as far as he's concerned you've rubbed a knife against his arm which is alarming if you're not expecting it and then you go and make a big fuss about it. Don't rub knives on people, it's weird. So no sympathy from me OO

Are you bloody insane? There's gentle parenting and there's lying down and getting walked over. My DS, 14, or other DS,17, would not even consider hitting anyone in this house (apart from each other very occasionally which is dealt with sharply and harshly) least of all me. This smacks of a total lack of respect or caring and he should not be getting away with it. My boys have issues with my , or D exH or DH's rules at times, but care for us too much to hit someone. I am aghast at these responses.

If I was you I'd sit him down and explain your thoughts. I'd ask for his, but make it crystal clear there are other ways of expressing annoyance and if he EVER did anything like it again he could say goodbye to birthday/ Christmas gifts/ holiday/ days put etc. And I'd mean it.

Trinacham · 17/09/2021 20:56

@stripedbananas

My DS would think I was a complete dick if I did that to him so I totally understand why he took offence and walloped you.

I mean as far as he's concerned you've rubbed a knife against his arm which is alarming if you're not expecting it and then you go and make a big fuss about it. Don't rub knives on people, it's weird. So no sympathy from me OO

What sort of knife are you imagining exactly!?
stripedbananas · 17/09/2021 20:58

I've made my point and I'm not getting embroiled any further in this nonsense

Soontobe60 · 17/09/2021 20:58

@EllieLondon5

Oh do shut up striped you’re embarrassing yourself.
Best retort today 🤣🤣

OP, if my teenage child had thumped me in the same was he’d be grounded for life!
My children are 26 and 36 now. When we talk about the teenage years, they both tell me they’re so ashamed of the way they behaved towards me at times and are surprised I seemed so forgiving. I never smacked them but boy oh boy I was tough at times.

Original poster
Atalossthistime · 17/09/2021 20:58

We do normally punish with removal of tech but in this case I foolishly wanted to be sure he was actually sorry not just saying so to get stuff back. Had this idea that he might actually show remorse when he realised that I was upset. Got it wrong.

OP posts:
Puffalicious · 17/09/2021 20:58

@stripedbananas

I've made my point and I'm not getting embroiled any further in this nonsense
You're ridiculous!
Notonthestairs · 17/09/2021 21:00

"My DS would think I was a complete dick if I did that to him so I totally understand why he took offence and walloped you."

I am bemused by the idea that you think walloping someone is ever a normal reaction.

Back to the Op - does he let anyone else touch:hug him, I'm wondering whether he's had a bad experience which might have put him in high alert to an unexpected touch.

Soontobe60 · 17/09/2021 21:00

@stripedbananas

Violent domestic abusive son. Give me a break. Don't joke around rubbing knives on people it's not cool or funnny. Get a grip and learn to behave yourself at the dinner table and not act like a younger sister making a fuss and blaming your DS to your DH.
🤣🤣🤣 do you think they had daggers to eat their tea with? She pretended to wipe a dinner knife on his dressing gown - which surely by your standards he shouldn’t be wearing at the dinner table.
Tangledtresses · 17/09/2021 21:00

@Atalossthistime

We do normally punish with removal of tech but in this case I foolishly wanted to be sure he was actually sorry not just saying so to get stuff back. Had this idea that he might actually show remorse when he realised that I was upset. Got it wrong.
He will know he's upset you just not in your time frame Don't be so hard on your self Teen boys this age are tricky
EllieLondon5 · 17/09/2021 21:02

Maybe striped is the son

iklboo · 17/09/2021 21:05

My DS would think I was a complete dick if I did that to him so I totally understand why he took offence and walloped you.

Jesus Christ. There's apologists and there's this

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