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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds(14) hit me and won’t apologise

174 replies

Atalossthistime · 17/09/2021 20:31

On Wednesday evening I was putting tea on the table. Ds(14, nearly 15) asked for a different knife - there was a slight mark on it. He was wearing his dressing gown and I went to wipe it on him as a joke, whereupon he punched me on the arm, hard, and shouted at me.

I subsequently apologised for my joke, but he is refusing to apologise to me. He argued at the time saying he would do it again because what I had done was disgusting. When told that “we don’t hit in this house” he replied “well I do”.

I honestly don’t know what to do. Dh has spoken to him numerous times. We have not removed privileges like phone because I think he will just say sorry to get them back. I have stopped giving him a lift to school though, and have barely spoken to him, but he doesn’t seem to care.

I am so upset and bewildered really.

Other than the usual teenage stuff he is fine. Doing well in school. Socialising. Etc. We get on ok, although he won’t let me touch or hug him and hasn’t for a couple of years now.

I could go and sit and talk to him but sort of feel that he should make the first move at his age, is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
LukeEvansWife · 17/09/2021 21:48

There is some spectacular victim blaming here. Hmm

Deadringer · 17/09/2021 21:54

Gosh no wonder there are so many violent men in the world with the attitude of some of the pps. I am on my 5th teen and if any of them had ever punched me they would be out the door.

pilates · 17/09/2021 22:00

I am in shock that striped thinks it’s ok for son to hit his mother 😲

LukeEvansWife · 17/09/2021 22:02

@toocold54

He will know he's upset you just not in your time frame

I agree and as a PP said this was more of a reaction rather than a violent assault. I’d say it was a jokey situation that went wrong.

I would be fuming and I’m glad you spoke to him about it the next day but I would actually drop it now and let him think about his own actions. As adults we would only take a few hours max to realise we’ve made a mistake but teens do take a lot longer.

So if a 19 yo, for example, punches his 21 year old Girlfriend, she should suck it up as he’s in a different timeframe??? Fucking hell, the number of people excusing the boy is shocking
TonytheDog · 17/09/2021 22:04

My DS is the same age and in this situation would have got up, got a clean knife and put dirty knife in the dishwasher/sink. If he had behaved like your DS I would have made it completely and unequivocally clear that such behaviour is wrong and intolerable. If he didn't apologise there would be no WiFi/phone/anything that he cared about.
But, you have to parent him. You can't sit, passively, waiting for an apology! You're his parent so that strikes me as strange behaviour and that you, somehow, see him as an equal. Make to female violence is increasing - there's a reason for this.
I teach teenagers and the ones who have 'gentle' parents are the most rude, obnoxious, self-centred brats. Their parents constantly make excuses for them and it's exhausting because these kids literally think they can do what the fuck they want. I have no recourse (shit behaviour policy) but you do.

SprayedWithDettol · 17/09/2021 22:07

It’s not so much about him being sorry, but rather learning that actions have consequences. He isn’t learning anything other than violence has no repercussions. How do you think this behaviour will develop?

Downsize2021 · 17/09/2021 22:09

I absolutely don't endorse his behaviour. But you say he wont hug or touch you so you touching him as a joke, along side the fact that in his opinion you were wiping dirt onto him possibly has him feeling like your apology hasn't fully recognised all the things that actually upset him at the time? Maybe he's not ready to accept your apology and accept his own actions until he feels you understand him. Sorry if that's way off the mark. Im just trying to think through his possible feelings.

Downsize2021 · 17/09/2021 22:10

Hitting needs to be zero tolerance tho. But also being mindful of his feelings as a way to move forward.

LukeEvansWife · 17/09/2021 22:12

Why did he need mummy to get him a clean knife anyway?

Graphista · 17/09/2021 22:14

If my dd had done something like that she'd have been grounded for at least a fortnight. Grounded for us meant school and home only, no phone, no WiFi, no treats.

Quite honestly it sounds as if there's been a real lack of discipline and boundaries in your home which you need to rectify.

If my brother had done this to my mum?! Wow! Frankly he'd have received an instant slap and sent to his room and also grounded (not saying that's right just that's what our house was like)

We wouldn't even have asked mum to fetch a new knife! If we had we'd have been told to get off our lazy backsides and get it ourselves!

I very much get the sense you tiptoe around him.

You and dh are the ones in charge you need to act it!

Trumanshow · 17/09/2021 22:15

Think you are over reacting. Just let it go. You were in the wrong and so was he. Just give him a hug and get on with things; sounds like you are expecting a teenage boy to have the emotional intelligence of an adult… which they don’t! You are his Mum.. not a peer; it’s your job to model
Good behaviour.. not sulk and be horrible!

LukeEvansWife · 17/09/2021 22:16

Yay! Another generation of boys being excused

LukeEvansWife · 17/09/2021 22:16

Model good behaviour? He’s 14, I think he’s old enough to know good from bad

HypocriteHunter · 17/09/2021 22:17

I've made my point and I'm not getting embroiled any further in this nonsense

The only real nonsense I read on this thread was your post stripedbanana

Chloemol · 17/09/2021 22:17

@itsgettingwierd

Are we reading the same post?

Where did it say he was treating his mum like his slave? He asked for a clean knife. She didn’t have to get it, she could have asked him to get his own

But instead she chose act childishly instead

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 17/09/2021 22:18

Taking the tech off him and the apology should have been two separate issues. My dd would have lost her phone for at least a week.

I would have also expected a heart felt apology.

An apology wouldn't have got her her phone back any sooner though!

Teens are funny about physical contact at this age, think that's fairly normal. Are there other things you can do together that he'd enjoy and might be good to build some bridges?

SeaToSki · 17/09/2021 22:18

I would call a family meeting and sit everyone down round the kitchen table.

Mock apologize that you have been such a dreadful parent that you clearly havent done one of you most important jobs correctly. You havent taught your children that hitting is not an acceptable response unless it is in self defense from immediate harm.

Do not let him interrupt to gas light you that he thought you were going to stab him with the knife

Explain that since you have been so remiss in your parenting that you and DH are taking remedial drastic action immediately

DS is required to write an essay of at least 3 pages in length explaining the appropriate use of force with examples (he can use historic references of preferred) and how this applies to his particular domestic setting. He then needs to write a further essay on the changes he is going to implement in his life to ensure that he does not react so disproportionately again. There must be at least three changes.

Since he will need to focus on this task (as well as doing all his homework and jobs around the house…please say Op that he does have jobs around the house) You and DH will be looking after all his tech for him until the essays are completed to your satisfaction. After all it will take a lot of concentration

Require all the tech to be handed in there and then

Apologize again for not teaching him properly

Wait for the essay. When he gives you the essay, you must make at least one set of corrections and send it back for a second draft. Rinse and repeat until you think he has really got the message.

If you are good it will take him at least a week, and he will never forget the lesson.

toocold54 · 17/09/2021 22:20

So if a 19 yo, for example, punches his 21 year old Girlfriend, she should suck it up as he’s in a different timeframe??? Fucking hell, the number of people excusing the boy is shocking

Absolutely but what is forcing a fake apology going to do? How is he going to learn from it?

This was a reaction not a violent attack. We all have a flight or fight response built in us. OP has spoken to him and it’s not helped, now it’s for him to work out what he did wrong instead of being told constantly else he won’t learn from it.

ChallBot · 17/09/2021 22:21

It's a bizarre situation that I'd never find myself in. My DS that age wouldn't have been bothered by a dirty knife, or would have asked anyone who was standing near the cutlery drawer to pass them another one and if not would have got himself one if he wanted. No one here would think it amusing to wipe a dirty knife on anyone. DS wouldn't have hit anyone who had wiped it on him but would have let them know he wasn't happy etc. There may have been a reflex sort swipe and a 'get off' who knows but there would have been immediate apologies from all sides and dinner would have resumed.

LukeEvansWife · 17/09/2021 22:22

So it’s okay if it’s a ‘reaction’? Wow.

I hate being touched but if someone does it I just move out of the way.

Kitkat151 · 17/09/2021 22:22

@stripedbananas

I've made my point and I'm not getting embroiled any further in this nonsense
Do you know how ridiculous and immature you sound? Are you 12?
HypocriteHunter · 17/09/2021 22:23

OP
titchy’s post

“Well what you should have done was fire a rocket up his arse at the time. Both you and dh.

However you didn't .... so. I'd suggest a calm meeting between you, dh and him. You need this to be very calm, but also very hard hitting. You need to talk about VAWG, the perpetrators, how he feels about such men, how he feels about being in the same category. He needs somehow to understand that he has crossed a line. He has assaulted a woman for no reason.

I'm not suggesting for one minute that he's an abusive violent future wife beater. But you all need to acknowledge that such people start the same way.

And no second chances. Next time - police.”

HypocriteHunter · 17/09/2021 22:25

A reflex swipe?

OP said he punched her - hard.

Nowt like a swipe or brushing OP away.

It was a punch. And that is never acceptable.

TheSmallAssassin · 17/09/2021 22:26

Violence of any sort and swearing at someone are the two zero tolerance things in our house, and result in phone/laptop/technology being removed for 24 hours (only ever had to do this for our daughter, and only once or twice). By the time the 24 hours is over, everyone has had time to think and reflect.

I don't think you can let a violent reaction lie, whatever the degree.

BoredZelda · 17/09/2021 22:37

We do normally punish with removal of tech but in this case I foolishly wanted to be sure he was actually sorry not just saying so to get stuff back. Had this idea that he might actually show remorse when he realised that I was upset. Got it wrong.

An apology doesn’t get the tech back. Ever. There is a set amount of time depending on what has happened. I would be looking at at least a month for this, along with many, many extra chores. I’d also be asking him to do some research and write something about women who experience domestic violence. I like the idea of having a community police officer round to have a chat too. Nip this in the bud. You don’t hit people just because they did something to upset you. I’m guessing this isn’t the first time he’s done it, but his “friends” just let it happen.

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