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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Ds(14) hit me and won’t apologise

174 replies

Atalossthistime · 17/09/2021 20:31

On Wednesday evening I was putting tea on the table. Ds(14, nearly 15) asked for a different knife - there was a slight mark on it. He was wearing his dressing gown and I went to wipe it on him as a joke, whereupon he punched me on the arm, hard, and shouted at me.

I subsequently apologised for my joke, but he is refusing to apologise to me. He argued at the time saying he would do it again because what I had done was disgusting. When told that “we don’t hit in this house” he replied “well I do”.

I honestly don’t know what to do. Dh has spoken to him numerous times. We have not removed privileges like phone because I think he will just say sorry to get them back. I have stopped giving him a lift to school though, and have barely spoken to him, but he doesn’t seem to care.

I am so upset and bewildered really.

Other than the usual teenage stuff he is fine. Doing well in school. Socialising. Etc. We get on ok, although he won’t let me touch or hug him and hasn’t for a couple of years now.

I could go and sit and talk to him but sort of feel that he should make the first move at his age, is that unreasonable?

OP posts:

spicedappledonuts · 17/09/2021 21:08

I'm surprised that any adult would be okay with being hit.
By their teenager or anyone else.

I think trying to get him to talk about what was going on for him when he did that is worth a try.

Along with explaining that it won't be tolerated and what future consequences will be.

Fireflygal · 17/09/2021 21:08

I don't subscribe to the teen phase theory and it's worrying that he doesn't have any regrets or compassion for you.. I aree with pp, Brolly however- has your relationship deteriorated in recent times?

I would sit him down (you and dh) and explain that his behaviour is worrying. That he needs to acknowledge that he hurt you and that hitting isn't ever acceptable. Hopefully he will discuss rather than stonewall you.

If he continues to sulk or be belligerent then take away privileges but I would also think you need to rebuild your relationship.

Do you have other children?

FATEdestiny · 17/09/2021 21:11

Been through a similar phase with my teen boy. Sounds like it was a reflex reaction, rather than an actual thought process that went "I'm gonna lunch my mum".

So it's not malicious. Keep that in mind - he isn't a bad lad. It is a bad reflex reaction though and he needs to learn to control his aggression in those reflex situations, because that's what grown ups do.

I hope you reacted immediately?
Did you send him away from the table?

Apart from that, I'd do the rest of the discussion when he's calmer and alongside his Dad. He should be taught the need feel remorseful, even if not forcing a faked appology. He can show you he is remorseful with actions, he may need telling that. He may also need a hug.

MushMonster · 17/09/2021 21:11

I would take everything he owns off him for his attitude!
No phone, playstation, football, pocket money, cooking fot him, doing his laundry, name it. Whatever you pay for him or do for him, gone. I would also mainly ignore him, for a set period of time, like 2 weeks minimum, whether he apologises or not.
He needs to sit down and think about what he is doing.
Ok, so he reacted wrongly to the idea of having the knife cleaned with his robe. He should acknowledge that. You do not hit anyone for that, especially your mother. He should not command you to get another knife for him by the way. He has legs and arms, and should have some respect for you. You cooked, he should be the one setting the table, and giving you a hand.
And you do not grow an attitude to your parents on their own home. He is not the boss, he is a child! So, those replies, they are out of order!
He will learn, he needs to mature, a lot!
I would ask my DH to have a chat with him. Is he having issues at school or anywhere else? Maybe someone bullying him or showing this shitty cocky behaviour, so he is copying? And his frustration is showing up like this?

lescompagnonsdeloue · 17/09/2021 21:15

@stripedbananas

I've made my point and I'm not getting embroiled any further in this nonsense

You've not made a point at all. You've missed the point entirely. She didn't wipe a knife on him, he punched her. The only point I get from your post is that if YOU behave like a dick, it'd be ok for your son to hit you. That's just wrong. Poor you.

TaraR2020 · 17/09/2021 21:15

Seriously why are you not enforcing serious consequences for him physically assaulting you ?!

Removal of tech ought to be the very least of it! There's no excuse whatsoever for violence and so your 'joke' is immaterial.

Let me get this right: you didn't smack to discipline when he was growing up because its rightly against the law but when he physically assaults you, you let it go because he manipulates you to get out of his standard punishment?

An apology shouldn't necessarily halt the punishment, it needs to be proportionate so you end it when the lesson has been learned. Which is when you decide.

GiveMeAUserName123 · 17/09/2021 21:16

That’s a very strange thing to do!? Would you do that to an adult?

I’d you did, what do you think there response would be?

How about if someone did that to you?

You’ve said sorry and that’s the end of it really.

It’s very likely he punched you as a stark reaction, I think most people would do that out of unexpected fear.

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 17/09/2021 21:16

You do not need an apology. You need a change in behaviour.

itsgettingwierd · 17/09/2021 21:20

@stripedbananas

My DS would think I was a complete dick if I did that to him so I totally understand why he took offence and walloped you.

I mean as far as he's concerned you've rubbed a knife against his arm which is alarming if you're not expecting it and then you go and make a big fuss about it. Don't rub knives on people, it's weird. So no sympathy from me OO

Really?

I'd think my fully capable mealy 15yo ds was a dick for not just getting up and getting a new knife if he didn't like the one provided for him.

If my ds made such a comment I would assume he was taking the puss and return in a jokey manner. If it turned out he wasn't joking I would apologise for the misunderstanding and expect the same in return.

I'd also be making it clear in future unless his legs are broken he can fetch his own cutlery!

titchy · 17/09/2021 21:22

Well what you should have done was fire a rocket up his arse at the time. Both you and dh.

However you didn't .... so. I'd suggest a calm meeting between you, dh and him. You need this to be very calm, but also very hard hitting. You need to talk about VAWG, the perpetrators, how he feels about such men, how he feels about being in the same category. He needs somehow to understand that he has crossed a line. He has assaulted a woman for no reason.

I'm not suggesting for one minute that he's an abusive violent future wife beater. But you all need to acknowledge that such people start the same way.

And no second chances. Next time - police.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 17/09/2021 21:22

@stripedbananas

I've made my point and I'm not getting embroiled any further in this nonsense

Nonsense is right, but it's from you and not OP.

OP we are having a difficult time with out now 15 year old DS and it has been a struggle. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Is he affectionate with your DH or anyone else? Does he seen happy? Did anything happen that he stopped letting you near him a few years ago?

choli · 17/09/2021 21:25

I would go on strike until he apologized. No laundry. No cooking for him. No money. No lifts anywhere. No wifi. I'd consider canceling his phone or at least the data part of the package. This is not a minor issue, this is very serious.

SirChenjins · 17/09/2021 21:27

It’s awful, isn’t it? DC1 used to lash out like that, it was shocking and embarrassing and terrifying and hurtful beyond belief, and it became an endless cycle of consequences. He outgrew the stage and is now a lovely young man, so hopefully it will pass for you too OP.

What I would say is don’t expect an apology for the hitting as you won’t necessarily get it, and don’t put consequences in place for not saying sorry - but absolutely do put them in place for the hitting. There’s a difference between the two. Agree them in advance with your DH and let your son know that from now on you won’t tolerate physical violence in the house - you don’t treat him that way snd you expect him to extend you the same respect and courtesy. Let him also know that if he does behave that way there will be consequences, irrespective of whether or not he apologises. And then follow through. It won’t necessarily stop it overnight, but he has to know he cannot behave that way. Good luck

TartanJumper · 17/09/2021 21:31

@stripedbananas

My DS would think I was a complete dick if I did that to him so I totally understand why he took offence and walloped you.

Getting annoyed is one thing, being violent is another. My mum annoyed me yesterday, is it OK to wallop her?

Chloemol · 17/09/2021 21:32

Well to be honest you started it with your childish antics

So I don’t get why you feel upset and bewildered, it’s a consequence of your actions

He’s a teenager, you are supposed to be the adult. So you apologise for upsetting him and move on

SirChenjins · 17/09/2021 21:34

Well to be honest you’re talking childish shite.

Original poster

Atalossthistime · 17/09/2021 21:36

Thank you. I do know that it was a silly thing to do by the way. It’s the sort of thing we might have done in my family but I should have known he wouldn’t find it funny.

There is nothing that happened to trigger the distance between us that I can think of. I wondered at one time whether he might have found one of my old teenage diaries or something and read it.. but that would require him to actually read something

OP posts:

GettingItOutThere · 17/09/2021 21:38

take the tech off him until he has appologised!?

so basically hes got away with it

i would not stand for this shit in my house, talking isnt working clearly!!

Notonthestairs · 17/09/2021 21:38

Why would you think that he'd read an old diary?

itsgettingwierd · 17/09/2021 21:39

@Chloemol

Well to be honest you started it with your childish antics

So I don’t get why you feel upset and bewildered, it’s a consequence of your actions

He’s a teenager, you are supposed to be the adult. So you apologise for upsetting him and move on

I suggest he started it by acting like his mum is his slave to bring him clean cutlery he could easily get up and fetch himself.

She responded to his utter cheek with cheek.

He responded to that with unproportional violence

SirChenjins · 17/09/2021 21:41

Ahhh, the joys of raising a teenager @Atalossthistime They do come back, it can just be a difficult few years while they go through it all. Just let him know you love him and keep the channels of communication open (even if they’re difficult to like sometimes).

toocold54 · 17/09/2021 21:44

He will know he's upset you just not in your time frame

I agree and as a PP said this was more of a reaction rather than a violent assault. I’d say it was a jokey situation that went wrong.

I would be fuming and I’m glad you spoke to him about it the next day but I would actually drop it now and let him think about his own actions. As adults we would only take a few hours max to realise we’ve made a mistake but teens do take a lot longer.

LukeEvansWife · 17/09/2021 21:47

@stripedbananas

My DS would think I was a complete dick if I did that to him so I totally understand why he took offence and walloped you.

Wow. So it’s okay to go round hitting people because you don’t like a totally innocuous joke? So presumably it’s fine for a man to hit his partner?

He could have got up off his arse and got another knife instead of whining to mummy to sort it.

toocold54 · 17/09/2021 21:48

Great post from FATEdestiny I completely agree.

Tailendofsummer · 17/09/2021 21:48

I assume this was a regular knife-and-fork knife, not one sharp enough to have genuinely frightened him. Hitting out might be how you'd react if your pal at school did this, but not your mum.

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