Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds(14) hit me and won’t apologise

174 replies

Atalossthistime · 17/09/2021 20:31

On Wednesday evening I was putting tea on the table. Ds(14, nearly 15) asked for a different knife - there was a slight mark on it. He was wearing his dressing gown and I went to wipe it on him as a joke, whereupon he punched me on the arm, hard, and shouted at me.

I subsequently apologised for my joke, but he is refusing to apologise to me. He argued at the time saying he would do it again because what I had done was disgusting. When told that “we don’t hit in this house” he replied “well I do”.

I honestly don’t know what to do. Dh has spoken to him numerous times. We have not removed privileges like phone because I think he will just say sorry to get them back. I have stopped giving him a lift to school though, and have barely spoken to him, but he doesn’t seem to care.

I am so upset and bewildered really.

Other than the usual teenage stuff he is fine. Doing well in school. Socialising. Etc. We get on ok, although he won’t let me touch or hug him and hasn’t for a couple of years now.

I could go and sit and talk to him but sort of feel that he should make the first move at his age, is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
Bumpsadaisie · 18/09/2021 19:08

@Suetully

We had something similar with our son. We phoned the police and they came round and had a word with him. You need to take this seriously or he will think he can get away with it

This. I am shocked people here are defending him, he is almost 15 ffs-nearly an adult,a grown man and he is hitting a woman. I can't believe your husband isn't taking a harder hand against him.

It does need to be taken very seriously.

But he's 14 - not in fact nearly a grown man. Quite a while to go yet.

Big difference between 14 and 19/20/21 ish - which is what I consider to be maturity based on youngsters I know.

LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 19:12

He may be physically nearer a man than a child at that age

Suetully · 18/09/2021 21:13

But he's 14 - not in fact nearly a grown man. Quite a while to go yet

Not really, he is nearly 15 and in year 10. I know plenty of boys of this age who are 6 foot and over and have Manish builds and could easily take an adult female in a fight.

Kanaloa · 18/09/2021 22:14

At 14/15 he should know not to hit people. People are acting like he’s a little boy - at just a bit older than him I had a baby. Yes, the brain isn’t fully developed, but he’s not a two year old lashing out because he doesn’t know better.

I would be shocked and hurt if my 11 year old hit me. I think at his age he should know better, and I don’t even know what I’d do or how I’d feel if he punched me then said ‘well I do hit’ and just went about his day happily.

Shmithecat2 · 18/09/2021 22:17

@Bumpsadaisie

But he's 14 - not in fact nearly a grown man. Quite a while to go yet.

Maybe, but at 14 I was over 6ft, and really could have hurt my mum if I'd punched her (5'7). At the boy's age, his age is no excuse.

pucelleauxblanchesmains · 18/09/2021 22:59

"I'd rather be teaching that no violence or threat of violence is acceptable in civilised society." Quite. When I was a small child I pinched my little sister's nose. My dad responded by twisting my nose so hard it bled. All it taught me was he was a fucking psychopath.

worriedatthemoment · 18/09/2021 23:41

A 5 year old knows its wrong to punch their mum or anyone lets be honest

TheWeeDonkey · 19/09/2021 16:17

Well he knows hes in the wrong obviously. Hes just feeling embarrassed and trying to act like Charlie Big Balls to get around it.

Like I said teenage boys can be little shits, that just the truth of it. He's trying to test your boundaries, what he can get away with. This is when you need to;

a, Stand as a united front as parents
b, be tough, really tough even when its killing you.
c, Set boundaries and consequenses and don't waiver from them.
d, Know you're not the only parents going through this.

Everyone will have a different opinion, but only you are living through this. Munsnet tends to swing from they're almost adults, let them do what they like to rule with an iron fist with no deviation.
I think somewhere between the two works best, with little bits of both so let him know there are house rules to follow but that home is also still his safe place.

cravingmilkshake · 19/09/2021 16:19

Errrrm call the police . He will do that to a future girfiend or wife if you let him get away with it.

Or call them and ask someone to come round and talk to him!

LukeEvansWife · 19/09/2021 16:56

Still, he has learnt that there are no consequences for hitting women

Anordinarymum · 19/09/2021 20:11

@iklboo

The hyperbole of the year comment is going to be hard to judge this year.
Oh I probably have it in spades
Pickuptruck · 19/09/2021 22:08

Why would you give the tech back when he says sorry ?
The consequence is the loss of it for a fortnight from when he apologises - then he has actually had a consequence too

RoseMartha · 19/09/2021 22:40

Have you had a chat with him when he was calm and spoken about how it was ok to be cross but not acceptable to hit you? And that hitting is not something you tolerate in your family and you need an apology. That in future if he has trouble regulating himself (you might need to elaborate on that), he needs to take himself to his room until he is calm.

Then walk away and give him time to think.

You cant reason with or speak to anyone when they are not calm.

One of my dd can not regulate herself . Lashes out and hits me often eg several times a week and I have bruises and cuts from her actions.

After I have spoken to her and she thinks about it, she is usually remorseful but it can take a while for that to take effect.

notthemum · 23/09/2021 11:01

ericaandfamily.
I neither know or care who the hell you think you are.
No I will not shut up.
I am perfectly entitled to post and if you for any reason don't like it either report it or ignore it.
Whichever you choose is absolutely fine , but your pathetic bullying attempt will get you no where.
Been here for quite a long while now and never done this before but here, have a biscuit 🍪

Droite · 23/09/2021 18:49

Goodness, it took you a long time to come back, @notthemum. Have you read all the other responses to your message?

ArranMumma · 23/09/2021 19:26

I think he is having trouble with something in his life and he’s taking it out on you. Maybe you need to spend some time trying to improve your relationship with him or find out what’s causing him stress - maybe something is happening at school?
If you can afford it then maybe therapy would be good? Or just explaining to him that if something is bothering him then he can talk to you about it - and if that something is you, then listen to it and take it on board rather than be defensive. Xx

notthemum · 24/09/2021 10:51

@Droite
I apologise profusely for not replying in a more timely fashion. (Or within the time frame that you have decided that I should of done). The reason for this is that I am up and down to the doctor and hospital at the moment and if they let me come home I am either exhausted or can't be bothered with bullying posters who really don't matter.

I think I have read all of this thread but I will go back and check, may not be for a while yet though , hanging my head in shame 😔 but I do think that taking my medication especially the one that will hopefully prevent me from having a heart attack take priority who gets some sort amusement out of having a go without knowing the facts.

Puffalicious · 24/09/2021 11:33

notthemum bore off. No-one needs to know the intricacies of your life. Droite was polite.

Puffalicious · 24/09/2021 11:44

Oh, and notthemum both my DS- 17 and 14- hug me on a daily basis (and their dad and their little brother). It shows that they're loving, thoughtful, well brought up kids, not strange as you suggest.

notthemum · 24/09/2021 20:23

@Puffalicious, you can rest assured I would never share the intricate details of my life with someone like you.
No one mentioned your children and yet you shared intricate details of your home life with them whilst berating someone who was explaining something to another poster. If I could be arsed I may wonder why it was my post that you decided to pick on considering that posters before me said that their teens do not hug. However as i said I can't be arsed.
I put my original thoughts to the OP as we are all entitled to do.
Please don't waste any more of your time by replying to me as I will not get into some sort of playground tit for tat so will ignore, although you attempting to jump on the coat tails of another poster who also didn't read the thread properly conjures up an amusing image it's not one that I wish to hang on to. However thank you for you input, however ridiculous you are entitled to it.
Best wishes 🍷

BlackeyedSusan · 25/09/2021 01:01

I think the lack fo a lift is a good consequence. he pisses off mum (more than that) he loses privaleges from mum.

BlackeyedSusan · 25/09/2021 01:03

what if he does it again?

think what you might do now. discuss it with your dh. make a pan to have a united front.

teens go through so much brain changing and hormones and they are likely to do some thing unacceptable at some point. what are you going to do about it?

wanders off to take my own advice

BlackeyedSusan · 25/09/2021 01:04

a fucking plan. ffs.

Puffalicious · 25/09/2021 10:07

notthemum I don't think saying my children hug is an intricate detailGrin and it's very relevant to the thread. Hearing about your hospital appointments and health issues is not relevant in the slightest and totally unnecessary. These details don't excuse your rudeness.

You definitely have issues. Take them somewhere else.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page