Ds(14) hit me and won’t apologise

[Atalossthistime]

On Wednesday evening I was putting tea on the table. Ds(14, nearly 15) asked for a different knife - there was a slight mark on it. He was wearing his dressing gown and I went to wipe it on him as a joke, whereupon he punched me on the arm, hard, and shouted at me.

I subsequently apologised for my joke, but he is refusing to apologise to me. He argued at the time saying he would do it again because what I had done was disgusting. When told that “we don’t hit in this house” he replied “well I do”.

I honestly don’t know what to do. Dh has spoken to him numerous times. We have not removed privileges like phone because I think he will just say sorry to get them back. I have stopped giving him a lift to school though, and have barely spoken to him, but he doesn’t seem to care.

I am so upset and bewildered really.

Other than the usual teenage stuff he is fine. Doing well in school. Socialising. Etc. We get on ok, although he won’t let me touch or hug him and hasn’t for a couple of years now.

I could go and sit and talk to him but sort of feel that he should make the first move at his age, is that unreasonable?

Id talk to him. Go for a drive or a walk. Talk to him about how it must never happen again. Doesnt matter how frustrated you are, how irritated or annoyed, you didnt deserve for him to punch you. That hes nearly a man and he needs to learn how to control himself. Violence is rarely the answer, and certainly a man should never hit a woman. This is important. If it ever happens again police will be called

@stripedbananas

I've made my point and I'm not getting embroiled any further in this nonsense

You haven't made any point whatsoever.

@GreekTragedy

Fucking teenagers are a nightmare. I've no advice for you OP. But am bemused about some of the replies on here!

There is never any excuse for a kids hitting their parent or hitting anyone, except in self defence.

As a PP suggested he probably did it as a reflex. Not saying it's right, just that teenagers are renowned for not being able to control their emotions.

I hope he feels mortified and embarrassed at hitting his mum.

My sympathies OP I have a teenage son and he is driving me mad at the moment. Almost to the point I want to chuck him out.

Apparently the rational part of a teen's brain isn't fully developed and won't be until age 25 or so. In fact, recent research has found that adult and teen brains work differently. Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the brain's rational part. ... Teens process information with the amygdala.

So you have at least 10 years of this shit!

It's true teens are impulsive but that doesn't mean they are violent. There's no excuse for that.

OP, it sounds like you need to have the conversation with him about violence been absolutely unacceptable, and that as he's had more than enough time to apologise you are going to have to move to taking away his tech and pocket money with immediate effect.

Do all the posters excusing and minimising this boy’s behaviour think it’s ok for teenage boys to go around punching anyone that annoys them because they’re teenagers or just their mums?

I’m sorry this happened to you op and I do think you need to address this further, this is not normal behaviour at all.

Do you know any police officers, it is assault and he needs to realise that, if you know any get them to talk to him otherwise I would go and have a chat with them and see if they can help informally. If he had hit anyone else in could be facing criminal charges. Harsh I know but he needs to be held accountable.

@SeaToSki

I would call a family meeting and sit everyone down round the kitchen table.

Mock apologize that you have been such a dreadful parent that you clearly havent done one of you most important jobs correctly. You havent taught your children that hitting is not an acceptable response unless it is in self defense from immediate harm.

Do not let him interrupt to gas light you that he thought you were going to stab him with the knife

Explain that since you have been so remiss in your parenting that you and DH are taking remedial drastic action immediately

DS is required to write an essay of at least 3 pages in length explaining the appropriate use of force with examples (he can use historic references of preferred) and how this applies to his particular domestic setting. He then needs to write a further essay on the changes he is going to implement in his life to ensure that he does not react so disproportionately again. There must be at least three changes.

Since he will need to focus on this task (as well as doing all his homework and jobs around the house…please say Op that he does have jobs around the house) You and DH will be looking after all his tech for him until the essays are completed to your satisfaction. After all it will take a lot of concentration

Require all the tech to be handed in there and then

Apologize again for not teaching him properly

Wait for the essay. When he gives you the essay, you must make at least one set of corrections and send it back for a second draft. Rinse and repeat until you think he has really got the message.

If you are good it will take him at least a week, and he will never forget the lesson.

If its got to the point that he hit his mother and refuses to apologise or let her touch him, he is hardly going to sit down and write a dumb essay.

You can't make him apologise, you can't make him remorseful. You can set your own boundaries as to what is acceptable and tell him if this ever happens again, police will be involved/will have to leave/whatever you want to happen.

No excuses for what he did. None.

But separately you might want to look into why he doesn't want you to touch him.

And why would you think he read a diary? What could have been in there that caused this divide?

@Birdkin

Do all the posters excusing and minimising this boy’s behaviour think it’s ok for teenage boys to go around punching anyone that annoys them because they’re teenagers or just their mums?

I’m sorry this happened to you op and I do think you need to address this further, this is not normal behaviour at all.

I suspect its just mums... 🙄

If he’s punching his Mum at 14, he’ll be battering his gf / bf by 16 unless you take action. I agree with pp. I don’t think you have any choice but to contact the police.

Forget the actual genuine sorry. Sit down with him and dp and say we thought you might reflect on this incident yourself so that’s disappointing. We are so disappointed you think this is acceptable behaviour. there’s no tech for you this week, please hand me your phone. dp is taking over cooking for the week but can’t do Tuesday so you will have to feed yourself then as your mum does not have to do anything for boys who hit her, and if this ever happens again we are calling the police. Its assault. There will be no ‘there is hitting in this house’ smart assery about the kind of violent action that puts women in the hospital or the morgue every week. No son of ours will ever be under any mistake that it’s acceptable. I suggest you do a load of washing as no one else is doing your washing this week.

Been through a similar phase with my teen boy. Sounds like it was a reflex reaction, rather than an actual thought process that went "I'm gonna lunch my mum".

That explanation doesn't work given that he also shouted at OP, and given his attempt to claim some sort of right to hit people. The vast majority of teenage boys manage to deal with mis-aimed jokes without reflex actions that involve hitting their relatives.

Remove his tech for at least a fortnight because he hasn't apologised and don't give it back a day earlier even if he does say sorry. Violence is not to be tolerated and he needs to learn that lesson very quickly.

If you were worried he would apologise ‘just to get his tech back’ then don’t give it back. Remove it for a set time. So ‘as you punched me and did not apologise you won’t be using your phone for x time.’

If I tell my kids they can’t use the tablet due to bad behaviour, they can’t say ‘oh sorry’ and get it back. If they apologise I would say thank you for saying sorry to me. That’s it. They still wouldn’t have the tablet, because that’s the consequence of the behaviour.

Honestly I’d be totally disgusted with him. It’s horrible behaviour and he clearly is getting away with it - although I’m not sure any punishment is going to change his views on punching his mum for not getting him a new knife and wiping a (clean) knife on his arm, as his dad’s told him he needs to apologise and make it up to you and he just… hasn’t.

Plus, you said ‘we don’t hit in this house’ and he straight up said ‘I do.’

Like this is clearly not a reflexive action, he thinks he can hit people (presumably just women?) if they piss him off.

I am appalled by some of the PP defending your sons disgusting actions.

I have no advice but I am sorry that your son has done this to you, it's assault and it's not acceptable.

What I will say is no wonder we have a rise in mens violence towards women when you have the attitude of some of the PP's. There is no way on earth I would accept being assaulted by my son because of a harmless joke. In fact, there is no reason to accept being assaulted at all.

He is old enough to know punching is wrong, he's not 3. The fact he said he will do it again is worrying.

OP It has been a long time since I had a 14 year old son and I had two.
Neither of them ever hit me but if they did I would have told them in no uncertain terms that if they ever did that again, they would regret it.

You are the parent here. You want an apology and he is holding you to ransom by not apologising.
Sanctions Sanctions Sanctions.

He has crossed a line. He has been violent and I do not care what you did in fun, he should not have hit you.

Do not speak to him. Do not do anything for him at all until he comes and speaks to you and your husband sounds bloody wet. Tell him to grow a pair and deal with his son.

You have to show him that he crossed a line. And now. Do not let it fester and do not weaken.

@leavesthataregreen yes completely agree with you!! Absolutely no way a child should hit a parent!!! I obviously didn't make that clear.

And I wasn't excusing his behaviour. Not all all. If any of my sons had done something similar I have no idea what I'd have done or would do.

I have a punch bag in the garden and if I see them getting angry I ask them to take it out on that. So many hormones raging through their body they have to learn to control it. I think the
teenage years are the hardest time to be a parent.

No tech. No wifi (change the log on password) Grounded until Christmas or until he apologises.

Don’t cook his favourite meals. Don’t record his favourite shows until he apologises.

Show him the stats on domestic violence and the women killed by thuggish boyfriends/husbands every week.

I hope you have a loving relationship with your DH op, and that your son isn’t copying learned behaviour.

for now, teens are tough to raise.

[quote Chloemol]@itsgettingwierd

Are we reading the same post?

Where did it say he was treating his mum like his slave? He asked for a clean knife. She didn’t have to get it, she could have asked him to get his own

But instead she chose act childishly instead[/quote]
That's my point.

His requests was cheeky so she cheekily cleaned the knife of his dressing gown sleeve.

His reaction was completely unacceptable.

She's apologised for upsetting him.

He's refusing.

His behaviour is way worse than hers as at least she's accepted he didn't find her reaction to his cheeky and lazy request amusing.

But I do think any 14yo who actually asks someone to get them a clean knife is using that person as some kind of slave. He has 2 legs

We had something similar with our son. We phoned the police and they came round and had a word with him. You need to take this seriously or he will think he can get away with it

This. I am shocked people here are defending him, he is almost 15 ffs-nearly an adult,a grown man and he is hitting a woman. I can't believe your husband isn't taking a harder hand against him.

Teen boys this age are tricky

yea but none I Know would even dare hit one of their parents, especially their mother who would be weaker. I'd be very alarmed he thinks it's ok to hit women at his age.

Dh would not tolerate ds's laying a finger on me.
It is a lack of respect, and like pp's I think this has been brewing for a while.

If he hadn't let you touch him for 2 years, it's going to take some serious work to repair that. Does he even want to? Can he be bothered? But you need to at least tell him how hurt you are and what you want, how you want the relationship to change and be repaired.

My DS is the same age and in this situation would have got up, got a clean knife and put dirty knife in the dishwasher/sink. If he had behaved like your DS I would have made it completely and unequivocally clear that such behaviour is wrong and intolerable. If he didn't apologise there would be no WiFi/phone/anything that he cared about.
But, you have to parent him. You can't sit, passively, waiting for an apology! You're his parent so that strikes me as strange behaviour and that you, somehow, see him as an equal. Make to female violence is increasing - there's a reason for this.
I teach teenagers and the ones who have 'gentle' parents are the most rude, obnoxious, self-centred brats. Their parents constantly make excuses for them and it's exhausting because these kids literally think they can do what the fuck they want. I have no recourse (shit behaviour policy) but you do.

@TonytheDog - bloody well said.

I agree with @Pallisers' comments too.

Everything about the knife situation was wrong from the start.

Your DS should have been the one setting the table, for starters. If he had done that, he would have realised that the knife had a speck on it and put it in the sink or dishwasher. Better yet, he should have been the family member emptying the dishwasher or doing the washing up.

Your son has no respect for you and is alienated from you because I suspect you are treating him as a guest or as a child and have no expectations of his enthusiastic and competent participation in the running of his own home, the production of his own meals, and probably much more that he takes for granted.

There is no way you should have responded to the observation that one of the knives was dirty with anything other than, 'You can get another one from the cutlery drawer, son'.

@Shmithecat2
This is not a common phase all teen boys go through at all.
Agree.

@Atalossthistime, what has your DS done over the years to earn the tech he enjoys, the internet access, the privilege of showing up for a meal cooked by someone else, and served at a table set by someone else, wearing a dressing gown?

@stripedbananas

My DS would think I was a complete dick if I did that to him so I totally understand why he took offence and walloped you.

I mean as far as he's concerned you've rubbed a knife against his arm which is alarming if you're not expecting it and then you go and make a big fuss about it. Don't rub knives on people, it's weird. So no sympathy from me OO

She didn't rub anything on him And it was a dinner knife not a machete Did she deserve to be punched for a joke?

@Fireflygal

I don't subscribe to the teen phase theory and it's worrying that he doesn't have any regrets or compassion for you.. I aree with pp, Brolly however- has your relationship deteriorated in recent times?

I would sit him down (you and dh) and explain that his behaviour is worrying. That he needs to acknowledge that he hurt you and that hitting isn't ever acceptable. Hopefully he will discuss rather than stonewall you.

If he continues to sulk or be belligerent then take away privileges but I would also think you need to rebuild your relationship.

Do you have other children?

What do you mean you don't subscribe to the teen phase theory?