Ds(14) hit me and won’t apologise

[Atalossthistime]

On Wednesday evening I was putting tea on the table. Ds(14, nearly 15) asked for a different knife - there was a slight mark on it. He was wearing his dressing gown and I went to wipe it on him as a joke, whereupon he punched me on the arm, hard, and shouted at me.

I subsequently apologised for my joke, but he is refusing to apologise to me. He argued at the time saying he would do it again because what I had done was disgusting. When told that “we don’t hit in this house” he replied “well I do”.

I honestly don’t know what to do. Dh has spoken to him numerous times. We have not removed privileges like phone because I think he will just say sorry to get them back. I have stopped giving him a lift to school though, and have barely spoken to him, but he doesn’t seem to care.

I am so upset and bewildered really.

Other than the usual teenage stuff he is fine. Doing well in school. Socialising. Etc. We get on ok, although he won’t let me touch or hug him and hasn’t for a couple of years now.

I could go and sit and talk to him but sort of feel that he should make the first move at his age, is that unreasonable?

I'm a solo parent with teen twins. They can be a right handful. I manage them with boundaries. They know where my boundaries lie because I have been really clear and consistent. I have to be. However there are some things I let go and they know that too. If a boundary is breeched my standard line is 'now I am going to rain fire on you sunshine' and I take stuff and deny them privileges. Since they have become teens I've done lots of work on my relationship with them, talking when I think they will listen, requiring that they help me, being super clear about what I expect, backing up their teachers and checking in with their friends parents. It is tedious and repetitive but is generally effective I think. I wonder if you could do some of that relationship building with your son? A relationship with him as a teen rather than a child?

Oh and if my son had hit me for joking with him I would have rained fire on him. No phone, no PlayStation, no going out with his mates, no mountain bike. But I really don't think that would have happened because part of our relationship is about joking around and he plays jokes on me too. I've effectively desensitized him.

@Atalossthistime I can picture the scene, and the knife-wiping is something I'd probably do too - as a joke. His reaction was totally OTT and unacceptable. Yours and DHs reaction afterwards has not been the most effective but you know that. My advice
Summon him to a serious talk with you and DH
Take his phone off him at the start of the conversation, so no distractions (plus the veiled, unspoken threat that he might not be getting it back).
Calmly explain why you are concerned, that he a) hit you (totally unacceptable, ever) b) why it's totally unacceptable (DV and how nasty it is).
Reassure him that a nice boy that you love would never intend to do something as bad as DV, and maybe did it understand how serious the incident was, and why it has made you so upset and disappointed in him. Now that he does, he needs to apologise, and mean it.

A good friend of mine always counselled that with kids of all ages you need to give them a way out of their current course of behaviour. An obvious open door that allows them to,change behaviour without losing face. In this case it's the fact that he probably hadn't understood how serious this is and now he does he can say sorry, has learned something (as have you), and move forward.

It can also help to fess up that maybe you as a parent could have made more of an effort to talk about important and difficult things like DV in the past, so shouldering some of the 'blame'.

The important thing is to keep communication open and calm. If he responds well, let him have his phone back, if he doesn't, keep it whilst he has a further think. When he's ready to talk again, he might get it back.

HTH

WTAF ?
You have never smacked your child, great. Why have you brought him up to believe that you are there to wait on him hand, foot and finger ?
"Mum, theres a mark on my knife I want another one"
"Ok, I will bring you one on my way back in".
OR
"Go and get one then".
What sort of childhood must a supposed adult have had to think that pretending to wipe a knife on anyone is funny ? It's Not. Your son was perfectly right to be very annoyed. Your behaviour was extremely imature and not something that would be expected from a 'normal parent.
However, Your son should not have hit you under any circumstances. You then let him get away with this.
Dear God, sometimes I despair of the parents today.
Also, I hate to point this out but most teenagers are generally over the hugging stage by about 12/13.
Although lovely I would find it a bit odd if they wanted to continue after this (unless of course they wanted something). 😉

There is a "teen phase", but it doesn't mean you just give up parenting and let them do what they want, you still need to set clear boundaries, especially around things like violence!

@Tangledtresses

Oh I've been through this mine is now nearly 17

They are absolute bell ends at this age and the entitlement and animosity is astounding to say the least!

However, he seems to have come out of it now and we've had a few chats since

He won't remember this incident
But you will and did the right thing to pull him up the next day

The only way I got through those years
Keep boundaries tight
Bring it up when they have calmed down
And give them a hug even when they say no go away you're weird
Or just shout LOVE YOU up stairs

They just have to know we love them
Also probably something going on snap chat that you and I will never know about

Also striped bananas SHUT UP 😀😀😀

I agree with all of this. Mine is 21 now and, he wouldn't punch me but from 13 to about 16/17 he was very difficult to live with. The most important thing is they do get through it, but yes you have to be tough and have very strict boundaries with them. As for the not touching, thats perfectly normal too. Mine wouldn't come near me either but I get lots of hugs and cuddles now.

Stay strong, the teen years are horrible, but you're not alone.

@stripedbananas thank you for posting, I almost forgot I need to replenish my supply of Zombie Knives and Machetes in preparation for Sunday lunch tomorrow

Neither of them ever hit me but if they did I would have told them in no uncertain terms that if they ever did that again, they would regret it.

The problem with that @Anordinarymum, is it’s a bit of an empty threat. How would they regret it? I think that’s what OP is after. That kind of threat worked when DD was 7, I’m not sure it would work on a 14 year old.

@BoredZelda

Neither of them ever hit me but if they did I would have told them in no uncertain terms that if they ever did that again, they would regret it.

The problem with that @Anordinarymum, is it’s a bit of an empty threat. How would they regret it? I think that’s what OP is after. That kind of threat worked when DD was 7, I’m not sure it would work on a 14 year old.

If one of mine hit me (at that age) and answered me saying we don’t hit with ‘well I do’ I wouldn’t be continuing to provide any luxuries for them anymore.

Phone contracts, wifi, pocket money, lifts to schools, cooked meals, laundry. It would all stop and their life would be stripped back to bare essentials. Never mind fetching him another knife because his ‘had a mark on it’ I would no longer be doing anything for someone who punched me in my own home then implied that he’d be happy to do it again.

"My DS would think I was a complete dick

Like the rest of us.

Teens are so tricky.
I remember my ds asking me to volunteer to drive some lads to a school sport tournament. For some reason the minibus wasn't available.
I stood next to ds in the car park waiting to be allocated some dc.
My ds asked me to stand on my own away from him! I didn't volunteer again.
Tbf I found it quite amusing.

A boy punching his mother is just flat out unacceptable. My brother wouldn’t have made it to 16 if he did that. The minimising on this thread is extraordinary. It’s kids like this who end up committing domestic violence. There is a line between being a bit of a little sod and using physical violence. How many of you think its ok for your husbands/partners to punch you, why would you minimise it from a son.

I have no idea in terms of advice but I would definitely be refusing to do anything for him, no food cooked, no laundry no money, nothing. Also if his knife is dirty why on earth did he not sort it himself. You are not a skivvy or a punchbag stop giving the impression that you are.

I think in this situation, father needed to scare the living shit out of him. Many won't agree.

Either of my two did that to Mrs PC and, no matter how big they are, I'd be turning their shit white.

@PhilCornwall1

I think in this situation, father needed to scare the living shit out of him. Many won't agree.

Either of my two did that to Mrs PC and, no matter how big they are, I'd be turning their shit white.

So they learn that women are vulnerable? Okay

I have DSs a similar age and there's a high chance I'd have done the same as you, as a joke.

He needs a sense of humour and to learn sons look after their Mum's, they say you can learn a lot about a man by how he treats his Mum.

Hormones and testosterone at that age are a heady mix - he needs to apologise, otherwise it may be the thin edge of the wedge.

Hope you get it sorted OP x

@PhilCornwall1

I think in this situation, father needed to scare the living shit out of him. Many won't agree.

Either of my two did that to Mrs PC and, no matter how big they are, I'd be turning their shit white.

What good would this do? The only reason we don't hit people is because someone stronger might hit us? That's pretty much the definition of toxic masculinity. Is that what you want to teach? I'd rather be teaching that no violence or threat of violence is acceptable in civilised society.

You would hope a 14 yo would have enough respect not to punch his mom in the first place - being threatened by his father is just adding to the issue

If one of mine hit me (at that age) and answered me saying we don’t hit with ‘well I do’ I wouldn’t be continuing to provide any luxuries for them anymore.
Phone contracts, wifi, pocket money, lifts to schools, cooked meals, laundry. It would all stop and their life would be stripped back to bare essentials. Never mind fetching him another knife because his ‘had a mark on it’ I would no longer be doing anything for someone who punched me in my own home then implied that he’d be happy to do it again.

Yep, that would be my view too.

@notthemum

WTAF ? You have never smacked your child, great. Why have you brought him up to believe that you are there to wait on him hand, foot and finger ? "Mum, theres a mark on my knife I want another one" "Ok, I will bring you one on my way back in". OR "Go and get one then". What sort of childhood must a supposed adult have had to think that pretending to wipe a knife on anyone is funny ? It's Not. Your son was perfectly right to be very annoyed. Your behaviour was extremely imature and not something that would be expected from a 'normal parent. However, Your son should not have hit you under any circumstances. You then let him get away with this. Dear God, sometimes I despair of the parents today. Also, I hate to point this out but most teenagers are generally over the hugging stage by about 12/13. Although lovely I would find it a bit odd if they wanted to continue after this (unless of course they wanted something). 😉

Please shut up.

@PhilCornwall1

"My DS would think I was a complete dick

Like the rest of us.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👏

The hyperbole of the year comment is going to be hard to judge this year.

So they learn that women are vulnerable? Okay
He already knows that, hence he hits his mother and not his father.

Sod that, I'd have taken his tech and he wouldn't be getting it back for some time even if he did apologise

Your behaviour was extremely imature and not something that would be expected from a 'normal parent.

Your post smacks of immature. You are talking as if the threatened him with a carving knife. It was a piece of cutlery. Perfect response from the mum in a lighthearted way, something many people who don’t have a stick up their arse would find funny.

I hope your DH isn’t simply saying he needs to apologise. Far more important is absolute clear and repeated message from both of you together that violence is not acceptable and won’t be tolerated. And then consequences. Phone etc and not simply returned on a begrudging apology. Actually confiscated for a time.
Really sorry you’re going through it. It will pass but it can take some time !