Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds(14) hit me and won’t apologise

174 replies

Atalossthistime · 17/09/2021 20:31

On Wednesday evening I was putting tea on the table. Ds(14, nearly 15) asked for a different knife - there was a slight mark on it. He was wearing his dressing gown and I went to wipe it on him as a joke, whereupon he punched me on the arm, hard, and shouted at me.

I subsequently apologised for my joke, but he is refusing to apologise to me. He argued at the time saying he would do it again because what I had done was disgusting. When told that “we don’t hit in this house” he replied “well I do”.

I honestly don’t know what to do. Dh has spoken to him numerous times. We have not removed privileges like phone because I think he will just say sorry to get them back. I have stopped giving him a lift to school though, and have barely spoken to him, but he doesn’t seem to care.

I am so upset and bewildered really.

Other than the usual teenage stuff he is fine. Doing well in school. Socialising. Etc. We get on ok, although he won’t let me touch or hug him and hasn’t for a couple of years now.

I could go and sit and talk to him but sort of feel that he should make the first move at his age, is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 17/09/2021 22:38

I could go and sit and talk to him but sort of feel that he should make the first move at his age, is that unreasonable?

Not at that age. I’d go first otherwise it will just drag on.

GreekTragedy · 17/09/2021 22:40

Fucking teenagers are a nightmare. I've no advice for you OP. But am bemused about some of the replies on here!

There is never any excuse for a kids hitting their parent or hitting anyone, except in self defence.

As a PP suggested he probably did it as a reflex. Not saying it's right, just that teenagers are renowned for not being able to control their emotions.

I hope he feels mortified and embarrassed at hitting his mum.

My sympathies OP I have a teenage son and he is driving me mad at the moment. Almost to the point I want to chuck him out.

Apparently the rational part of a teen's brain isn't fully developed and won't be until age 25 or so. In fact, recent research has found that adult and teen brains work differently. Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the brain's rational part. ... Teens process information with the amygdala.

So you have at least 10 years of this shit!

Unsure1983 · 17/09/2021 22:50

Severe bollocking, loss of every privilege, documentaries about domestic violence, basically complete bootcamp living style from his dad until he cries with remorse and empathy. Is what I would implement personally. An experience he will never ever forget.

I would also maybe think you should take a much more authoritative role because I dont think he respects you and maybe he is looking for boundaries.

Unsure1983 · 17/09/2021 22:52

I think you have a son who is less mature than you think he is and he needs a strong hand and firm guidance immediately, for his own good.

SirChenjins · 17/09/2021 22:57

Bootcamp until he cries with remorse? Fucking hell - please tell me you don’t have teenagers or work with them. That is seriously twisted thinking Angry

Pallisers · 17/09/2021 22:58

I subsequently apologised for my joke, but he is refusing to apologise to me. He argued at the time saying he would do it again because what I had done was disgusting. When told that “we don’t hit in this house” he replied “well I do”.

ok that is really worrying "Well I do hit"

I know this sounds sexist but your dh needs to square up to this kid so he knows what's what and how to behave. he needs to go into him and not ask for an apology - irrelevant at this point - but be very very forceful in saying "you NEVER EVER even THINK about hitting my wife or ANYONE else in this house agai - if you want to go off and live in a house where you hit people at 16 or 18 fine but as long as you are under OUR roof you follow our rules of civility"

after your dh has told him that, then I might try to sit and have a rational conversation. it would not involve me apologising again.

he hit you, he refused to apologise and he said he hits. Someone needs to set him straight right now about this.

Unsure1983 · 17/09/2021 22:59

I dont mean to make him cry. I mean bootcamp bare minimum style living where all he has to think about is the seriousness of his actions. I would expect someone to cry with remorse for hitting a person in their family, absolutely, when they realise the gravity of what they have done.

Unsure1983 · 17/09/2021 23:00

@Pallisers I agree completely.

SirChenjins · 17/09/2021 23:01

Nope, you’re still twisted if you’re advocating a bootcamp and wanting a teenager to cry.

Do you have teenagers or work with them? I’m presuming you don’t by your posts.

JessCat75 · 17/09/2021 23:02

@stripedbananas

My DS would think I was a complete dick if I did that to him so I totally understand why he took offence and walloped you.

I mean as far as he's concerned you've rubbed a knife against his arm which is alarming if you're not expecting it and then you go and make a big fuss about it. Don't rub knives on people, it's weird. So no sympathy from me OO

Seriously get off this thread, you are no help to the OP
SirChenjins · 17/09/2021 23:03

And wanting a grown man to physically square up to his 14 year old? Bloody hell - you pair are twisted.

Unsure1983 · 17/09/2021 23:08

I'm not twisted. I know what I said and I know what I meant, which I clarified in my second post. I know that any boy hitting their mother in my family growing up would have had the fear of god put into them. A nearly-man teenager hitting his mother is so far beyond acceptable it is almost unthinkable. I did not advocate hitting or harming the child in any way. If a teen did not cry with remorse for hitting their mother they do not have the respect of their mother that is required and they are being facilitated in going out and disrespecting other women. The way we raise boys is why we have so many predatory and violent men who think it is fine to ill-treat women. The fact the boy is hitting his mother is extremely worrying and in my situation I would see that he needed a complete transformation of perspective and character. That takes real strong decisive action on the part of the parent.

Unsure1983 · 17/09/2021 23:10

I have just reread and seen the child is 14 not 17 as I originally thought. I would treat that with more leniency.

SirChenjins · 17/09/2021 23:12

I know exactly what you said snd meant too - you advocate bootcamp style child raising and you want a child to cry. I don’t care how hard you try and backpedal, that it what you said. I can assure you. - neither approaches will encourage a boy to respect his mother.

Given you’ve ignored my question about whether you have teenagers or have experience of working with them I presume you don’t - and it shows.

SirChenjins · 17/09/2021 23:13

@Unsure1983

I have just reread and seen the child is 14 not 17 as I originally thought. I would treat that with more leniency.
That’s very magnanimous of you - I’m sure the child will be very grateful.
ChallBot · 17/09/2021 23:13

There seems to be a lot of that on this thread tbh

Shmithecat2 · 17/09/2021 23:13

WTF is wrong with some of you? Maybe the son's first punch was reactionary I don't think so, but he then said he'd do it again!!!

This is not a common phase all teen boys go through at all. Why are so many of you victim blaming and excusing the boy's behaviour? It's disgusting behavior, absolutely foul. Fucking hell. We want men to do better, we want woman to not be scared for simply being born a woman, yet we set the bar this low for young men? I'm beyond flabbergasted.

SirChenjins · 17/09/2021 23:16

Because what teenagers say they’ll do and what they will actually do are often two completely different things. A bit like some of the posts from adults on here.

Pallisers · 17/09/2021 23:16

I'm not twisted. I have three young adult children and have been through the teen years. You do not need to leave your principles at the door when dealing with teens. You don't need to tolerate being hit. you don't need to accept that your child will hit you and not apologise.

Doing that is not helpful to the child who is actually looking for boundaries not "oh you must feel so bad having hit me, I'm so sorry".

We actually never punished our teens - luck and the way our lives/home worked. But by god my completely gentle dh would have squared up to my son if he had thumped me and then refused to apologise and told me he does, in fact, hit. I'd have squared up to him myself. Someone needs to make it clear to him that he can't do that. if a parent won't - then they are a bad parent.

ChallBot · 17/09/2021 23:17

@Shmithecat2 how do you know if it is or isn't a common phase.

I for one have honestly no idea if it is or isn't.

TonytheDog · 17/09/2021 23:18

I could go and sit and talk to him but sort of feel that he should make the first move at his age, is that unreasonable?*

Are you his parent or his best mate? Language like "sort of feel that he should make the first move" is not parenting!

SirChenjins · 17/09/2021 23:20

So your adult DH would have physically squared up to his 14 year old child?

No he wouldn’t - because good, decent adults don’t physically square up to children. He would have dealt with it in another far more appropriate way.

TonytheDog · 17/09/2021 23:23

@Shmithecat2

WTF is wrong with some of you? Maybe the son's first punch was reactionary I don't think so, but he then said he'd do it again!!!

This is not a common phase all teen boys go through at all. Why are so many of you victim blaming and excusing the boy's behaviour? It's disgusting behavior, absolutely foul. Fucking hell. We want men to do better, we want woman to not be scared for simply being born a woman, yet we set the bar this low for young men? I'm beyond flabbergasted.

Completely agree. Some of the teenagers I teach have no limits and no repercussions. They are not like this accidentally. Their parents are scared of them and treat them like fucking princes. It's dangerous.
HalzTangz · 17/09/2021 23:24

@stripedbananas

Violent domestic abusive son. Give me a break. Don't joke around rubbing knives on people it's not cool or funnny. Get a grip and learn to behave yourself at the dinner table and not act like a younger sister making a fuss and blaming your DS to your DH.
Regardless of the knife joke that does not give anyone the right to punch someone. The boy is completely in the wrong.
Pallisers · 17/09/2021 23:27

@SirChenjins

So your adult DH would have physically squared up to his 14 year old child?

No he wouldn’t - because good, decent adults don’t physically square up to children. He would have dealt with it in another far more appropriate way.

so glad you know our home better than I do.

Maybe squared up means something different in your locale. For me it would mean my dh would have stepped into ds's space and said in a very authorative way don't you dare hit my wife or your deal with me.

Good decent adults don't let 14 year olds think they can hit their mothers - or anyone.