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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16yr old refusing to move

175 replies

Redtwins2005 · 09/09/2021 03:01

Hi. I'm not one to ask for help but I'm at my darkest. I'm having to move back near my mum as her health is deteriorating but my 16yr old twins are refusing to move with me. They have no job or anywhere to live, not financially able to look after themselves but say they will leave and sofa surf and get a job in Burger King. Can I make them move the 355miles with me or have I no rights now they're 16.
Please please help, im so distraught to think I will lose them

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 09/09/2021 03:11

I'd wish them good luck with that and carry on with your plans. Sorry that their behaviour is making a hard time tougher. 💐

AreYouReally · 09/09/2021 03:11

Could your mum move to you?

Original poster
Redtwins2005 · 09/09/2021 03:16

No, unfortunately as she is in Sheltered Accommodation due to disabilities.

OP posts:
Hothammock · 09/09/2021 03:18

If they were 18 I would probably reply differently but are you sure you are really considering your 16 year olds needs properly in this emotive situation? It is incredibly disruptive to uproot children at this age and tear them away from any fledgling plans they have made about their futures. Why on earth are they only aspiring to sofa surf and work in burger king...

If your mum needs your help she should be relocating to be nearer to you all.

Original poster
Redtwins2005 · 09/09/2021 03:20

I really wish I could but the law isn't very clear once they turn 16 and I would never forgive myself if anything was to happen to them.

OP posts:
Notapheasantplucker · 09/09/2021 03:25

I might be wrong but I don't actually think you can force them to move with you.

olympicsrock · 09/09/2021 03:28

Are you really considering your children in this? Huge for them to give up their friends and support network. I don’t blame them for not wanting to be uprooted.
You are essentially choosing your mum over them . How long will your mum be around? If only a year or two then perhaps you go on your own? Or she moves to be nearer to you. Or do you keep your house , rent it out and reassure your teenagers that you will move back when your mum no longer needs you.

Try to be broad thinking about this.

Original poster
Redtwins2005 · 09/09/2021 03:30

I have tried to move my mum closer but I only live in private rented accommodation, mother is in secure accommodation and because she has no family ties in Cornwall, I have been told that she wouldn't be entitled to council property.
I know how hard this is for my boys and its breaking my heart.

OP posts:
Hercules12 · 09/09/2021 03:34

not sure you have much of a choice. surely you can't move? Confused

Original poster
Redtwins2005 · 09/09/2021 03:36

I'm in rented property and struggling to make ends meet and to top it off, the landlord is putting the rent up next month. Where as the rent nearer my mum is £400 cheaper. That's another reason for the move.
I'm a single parent with disabilities of my own

OP posts:
Original poster
Redtwins2005 · 09/09/2021 03:37

I know, this is what scares me the most.

OP posts:
coffy11 · 09/09/2021 03:39

My son is 16 and there's no way I would leave him to be on his own, even for my mum.

Could your mum move in with you and help contribute to the rent?

Original poster
Redtwins2005 · 09/09/2021 03:44

I'm really struggling to live with the very high rent and over all price of living here. I have no family or friends to help the boys, everybody is up north.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redtwins2005 · 09/09/2021 03:47

Her home is warden controlled with no stairs, walk in shower, grab rails, life line and monitored daily.... Mine on the other hand is a200 Yr old 2 bed cottage.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 09/09/2021 03:50

Are you allowed to live with her in sheltered accommodation??

Coyoacan · 09/09/2021 03:51

What a horrible choice you have been given, but as a grandmother myself, I think I would want my dd to choose for my dgd's wellbeing over my wellbeing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/09/2021 03:56

Your mum's needs will be met by SS if needed. If you have to move because of finances, that's different. Can you work where your mum is? Do you have a job there already?

Maybe try honesty. Show the twins your budget. Explain the reality.

Bythemillpond · 09/09/2021 04:03

I think you have to be pragmatic about this.

Could you afford more rent with suitable accommodation for you all in your town if your mother moved up to be with you.

I really can understand why your dc don’t want to go given that not only will they be uprooted and moved hundreds of miles from their support network but Cornwall itself does have a reputation of lacking opportunities for young people

PersonaNonGarter · 09/09/2021 04:05

OP, this isn’t fair. Your priority needs to be your DC not your mum. Put them first. You cannot uproot them like that. It would be different if they were a bit older.

Stop imagining moving away and focus on getting a better financial situation where you are.

Plumtree391 · 09/09/2021 04:07

I don't believe you can force them. At sixteen they are allowed to leave home but of course they will have to get jobs, and a bedsitter type place;
they may be able to claim some benefits towards their upkeep. You can't blame them for not wanting to move 355 miles away!

I'm so sorry about your mother. I always thought 'sheltered accommodation' meant there was care available.

Is there no way you could go and stay with or near her for short periods, returning to your home regularly?

EccentricaGalumbits · 09/09/2021 04:13

Can you move to a different rental in your that can house all of you, with her pension to add to the budget?

Explosivefarts · 09/09/2021 04:15

At 16 they are so young they have to be your priority

InTheNameOfAllThatIsHonest · 09/09/2021 04:39

Why do You need to be near your mum in the first place?

twelvefiftynine · 09/09/2021 04:45

You can't seriously be considering this. Your kids come first. End of.

Didactylos · 09/09/2021 05:14

OP- while I am sure you feel torn between everyones needs, and want to be with your mother and look after her - her situation with a warden controlled home with no stairs, walk in shower, grab rails, life line and monitored daily sounds better than yours ATM in some ways, and physical care needs can be better met in that situation, if she has no family nearby care and assistance will have to be provided.

What are your boys doing at 16 - school, work, apprenticeship? what plans have they got for the future? Although 16 is in some ways very close to adult its a vulnerable stage where they need your stability and guidance - mistakes and problems now can have lifelong effects and repercussions, they cant just be left to fend for themselves a bit and you can pick up the parenting later.

Where is the pressure on you to move coming from?
How does your mother feel about the idea of you essentially leaving your children to care for her - I know my mother would be horrified if I suggested it and not accept it because she would see that her grandkids are my first responsibility, no matter how much I love her.