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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16yr old refusing to move

175 replies

Redtwins2005 · 09/09/2021 03:01

Hi. I'm not one to ask for help but I'm at my darkest. I'm having to move back near my mum as her health is deteriorating but my 16yr old twins are refusing to move with me. They have no job or anywhere to live, not financially able to look after themselves but say they will leave and sofa surf and get a job in Burger King. Can I make them move the 355miles with me or have I no rights now they're 16.
Please please help, im so distraught to think I will lose them

OP posts:
Okbutnotgreat · 09/09/2021 07:08

It does read as though it’s much more about your own situation thats making you want to move so I think it’s time to sit down with kids and discuss the financial situation.

If it’s about your mum then contact your local sheltered housing association. My mum was on benefits in private rented in a different area and we moved her into sheltered accommodation in our area with very little difficulty.

If everyone else in your family is near your mum though I’m wondering why you’re the one who gets to sort her care? Or is it that you see it more as a kill 2 birds situation and it will sort out your own financial issues, that is a different thing altogether and personally I think your primary responsibility is to your DC if they are still at home and you would need to sell the move as being more beneficial to them too.

MoreAloneTime · 09/09/2021 07:09

Are the 16 year olds in education? What opportunities would they have in the new area you would want to move them to?

These teenagers have their whole lives ahead of them and need to be the priority here. The next few years will hugely influence the rest of their lives. Like PP the lack of mention of their education is worrying as they should either be in the last year of GCSEs or starting A levels or college.

Many people support elderly relatives from afar and it isn't usually sustainable for one person to be a sole carer. Besides the rent situation what is motivating this move?

GoogleWhacked · 09/09/2021 07:09

Sounds to me like you want to move closer to your DM because it is cheaper, not that you have to move closer because of her deteriorating health. Whatever the reason is fine, but you need to be honest with yourself and your children.
They are 16, so if you are struggling to pay rent etc then maybe they can get a job and help.

anon12345678901 · 09/09/2021 07:11

I think it's quite selfish to take teenagers away from everything they know tbh. If their in education it's highly disruptive, my child would come first at that age.
What would you do work wise? Your mum is in sheltered accommodation so from sounds of it, she's okay.

Dashel · 09/09/2021 07:17

I think you need to prioritise your DC for now, they are dependent on you and you prioritising your mum will probably make then feel worthless.

Finishing their education should come first.

If you need help with finances, there is loads of information on money saving expert website that might be able to help you.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 09/09/2021 07:18

@LukeEvansWife

Can’t believe so many posters are saying you shouldn’t move (even though your mum needs you and it would be financially better for you) on the whim of a couple of teens! Are they going to cover the increase to your rent? Thought not

They need to suck it up - when they are earning, they can live where they want.

Right - so she can wait it out 2 years until they CAN earn and live independently where they want
zenthoughtsonlythanks · 09/09/2021 07:20

I have teens that are the same age op.

Here is what I would do in your position:

  1. Speak to the landlord, explain your predicament ask him to revise their rent increase, he may agree to a compromise, the increase is a lot! I would ask my teen boys as they are keen to stay, please can they contribute by getting a small part time job to help out.

  2. If this is not possible, I would move to a cheaper place in the same area

  3. Relocate mother to a sheltered accommodation close to me, or a nursing home and offer this as the only solution if she needs more help.

  4. If she won't help, set up a rota with your family in the north to care for her. Everyone needs to help, it is not all on you as a disabled single mother of teen children.

You are going to move 355 miles away and if she is unwell as you say, she could be gone in a year maybe two and you will nothing left of your own life. No friends, no job and no children. This is a very bad idea op from every angle, including your own.

Your teens have to come first until they are older, they can not be left to fend for themselves, they are effectively becoming homeless.

I am so sorry this is so hard for you, but your children really do need to come first.

onelittlefrog · 09/09/2021 07:23

It's not selfish for 16 year olds not to want to leave everything they know and move 400 miles away

This. Put yourself in their position. I can understand why they do not want to go - they're 16 and just on the brink of adult life, and you are taking them away from everything they know.

There must be a solution that allows your children to stay put at least for the next couple of years to start off their adult lives and get some independence. 16 is such a critical age.

I know it's hard but I really think if there is no way your mum can move down to you, you need to prioritise your children's needs over hers.

ShingleBeach · 09/09/2021 07:23

What school year are they just starting?

This is an education-wrecking time to move them.

If they can get a weekend job in Burger King they can pay you some if their wages!

lannistunut · 09/09/2021 07:25

I have no idea how to approach this, but I wanted to send Flowers and say I think you're in an awfully tough situation.

Sometimes children and young people do have to move, it is not ideal but also you are clearly trying to do the best for everyone.

I think it sounds better to move, but no idea if they can refuse.

zenthoughtsonlythanks · 09/09/2021 07:33

I can't think why your mother would even be on board with this op, surely she would be very worried about your children being left behind.

Legally they can choose where they live, although in reality securing accommodation is going to be difficult even if they can raise the money to rent somewhere. Most likely they will be listed as homeless by the council. As they are minors, possibly SS will be alerted. I am not sure as a loving parent you could go down this road op.

BishBashBoshBush · 09/09/2021 07:35

I think you need to stay where you are. Sit the twins down and explain you can't afford to rent this house anymore. Ask them for solutions.
There is a solution if the rent is going up by £400 and they don't want to move- they each get a job and contribute £200pcm toward rent.

This should help them understand how serious it is, give them a sense of responsibility and "real life" and help them understand the pressure you're under financially.

Your mum is safe and ok where she is, focus on keeping your family together first.

Beamur · 09/09/2021 07:35

A friend of mine had to do something similar. Her son was a similar age and also didn't want to move.
But it wasn't his choice to make. The family moved.
For maybe the first year he spent every weekend back at friends houses and holidays. Struggled to settle into college at the new place. But it did improve over time. He started a different course, got a paid job, Mum helped him find a house share and it's working out well.
At 16 you can't rely on friends parents hospitality indefinitely. It is hard to move at this age, but if it's what you need to do, then they either have to come or support themselves. At 16 that makes no sense as they would be better off still in education.

Droite · 09/09/2021 07:56

Are the twins in school or other education?

saraclara · 09/09/2021 08:02

Many older people don't have offspring to step in. There are options for your mum that don't involve you moving your kids to the other end of the country at 16. Have you contacted SS or Age UK to see how she can be supported?

Also, yes. What other family is there up there, and what are they doing?

2catsandhappy · 09/09/2021 08:06

What a horrible predicament. Tell them to get the weekend jobs and you will be having 25% of their wages and stay in the area. If they refuse tell them that you cannot afford to live in that area and will be moving.
Not ideal but needs must.

MrsScrubbithatescleaning · 09/09/2021 08:13

It sounds like it’s more for financial reasons that’s driving this decision.

I think you need to draw up a budget and explain that you’re struggling to manage and moving to a cheaper (newer?) property will make your life easier.

Assuming you’re moving north nearer to a large town or city, the boys would be nuts to want to stay in rural Cornwall with bugger all opportunities for youngsters. Do you have any other family up north that could speak to the boys about what college courses are available?

shallIswim · 09/09/2021 08:14

I'd be calling your mums local adult social services. I live near my ailing mum and dad and it's a huge effort supporting them. I'd def not have disrupted my children tbo.
Throw it across to social services and back it up with a cal to your mum's GP. They should be playing a part too
And visit when you can

GoodnightGrandma · 09/09/2021 08:18

I wouldn’t move until they are 18.

Bythemillpond · 09/09/2021 08:34

At 16 you can't rely on friends parents hospitality indefinitely. It is hard to move at this age, but if it's what you need to do, then they either have to come or support themselves. At 16 that makes no sense as they would be better off still in education

I read it as the landlord was putting the rent up and it would then be £400 less if they all moved to be with her mother.

The rent might only be going up £10 or £20

Agree that a sit down to discuss finances and all your futures is needed.
You do seem to be coming across as though the only answer is to move to be near your mum and you can’t see any other way when your mum seems to be ok where she is or could move to be nearer you if she wanted

If your mum is in sheltered warden controlled housing then I can’t see the immediate issue that she would need you on hand 24/7. Could you start to go and see her every other week or at least a little more often.

Even if you moved to be nearer your mum I think you would be swapping one set of problems with another
Would you be able to find work?
What is the cost of living near your mums

I say this because we have moved around (currently in a holiday cottage somewhere north of Birmingham as we are between houses and it was the only available accommodation that had 4 walls and a roof for just under £100 per night)

Whilst housing is cheap the cost of just shopping in the local chain supermarket is extortionate, never mind the huge amount on petrol as it is several miles to the nearest shop/civilisation.
Incredibly pretty area but just not a practical place to live.

Could you sit down with your Ds’s and have an adult conversation with them about yours and their futures.

It might be that you move but in a different direction. What it is that they are wanting to do at 16 or 18. Will university be in their sights etc.
If they don’t pass exams what could they study or turn their hand to that would give them a brighter future.
At 18 I think their world will shift as a lot of their friends will leave for work or university or college.
I know that as a family we couldn’t survive financially in this part of the country as most of our work is very much London based or at least in an area that is more populated and not as spread out.

Is there work. Not even 9-5 PAYE type work but things that they could make a business/earn money doing

Even if you moved to a cheaper but more practical flat or to a completely different area that has more opportunities. I think that you all need to check out what you could do in different areas and have an ongoing discussion about the future for all of you.

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 08:35

Do they usually have the final say about huge life decisions like this? Do they contribute financially to the home? Whatever your reasons for moving are largely irrelevant - either they are grown up e(in which case they can make their own arrangements) or they are too young to be left, in which case they can move it with you.

Presumably they can move back to your home town when they are older and supporting themselves.

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 08:36

Although it explains why we get apprentices at work who want to do everything on their terms 😂

zenthoughtsonlythanks · 09/09/2021 08:41

luke They are sixteen not six, of course they have some say about their future. You can't force a 16 year old to do anything at this point. They will stay at home, and op will have to deal with the fall out of making her children homeless and choosing her mother, whom is being well cared for already, over her children.

It is a tough call, but kids come first.

Iggly · 09/09/2021 08:45

@LukeEvansWife

Do they usually have the final say about huge life decisions like this? Do they contribute financially to the home? Whatever your reasons for moving are largely irrelevant - either they are grown up e(in which case they can make their own arrangements) or they are too young to be left, in which case they can move it with you.

Presumably they can move back to your home town when they are older and supporting themselves.

They haven’t got the final say. They’re just expressing their opinions.

Maybe the work apprentices don’t like being treated badly - I bet a lot of people look down on them!

ShingleBeach · 09/09/2021 08:47

@LukeEvansWife

Although it explains why we get apprentices at work who want to do everything on their terms 😂
Not interested in 16 yos who understand the impact that changing schools, even a while school system if going to Scotland, mid GCSE? Seriously compromising their qualifications?

What snowflakes they are…..